Pixar's Latest Character Is a Giant Singing Volcano

Thursday, August 28, 2014 at 11:30 am


His name is Uku, and he seems awfully mellow for a giant hard-ass prone to blowing his stack and spewing hot death.

The guy's looking for - naturally - "someone to lava." By which I think he means "love," rather than "somebody to cover in liquid rock and burn alive." Is the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock still single?

"Lava" will play in front of Pixar's Inside Out next June.

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My Wife Reacts to Hello Kitty Not Being a Cat Any More

Thursday, August 28, 2014 at 4:00 am


She has a thing or two to say. Quite loudly.

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If Hello Kitty Isn't a Cat, What Is She? I Think I Know!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 at 5:30 pm


Who says the L.A. Times is irrelevant? Today they broke a bombshell story that would seem to just be the result of asking something nobody ever thought of.

"Hello Kitty is not a cat. She's a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She's never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it's called Charmmy Kitty."

Now, if Disney could release a similar statement about Goofy, we'd be getting somewhere. But even if Hello Kitty is a cartoon, she has to have a species. So if she's not a cat, which she looks the most like, what's the next thing in nature that resembles her the most?

See if you can guess before reading on...

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Super Terrific Japanese Thing: Hello Kitty Face Wiener Cutter

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 at 10:00 am


Face. Wiener. Cutter.

Not exactly the most commercial of product names in English, I'd say. But if you've ever wanted to carve a pussy out of your wiener, or you've ever had an unfulfilled dream to literally pork Hello Kitty, $4.25 is a steal.

Also, the accompanying plastic toothpicks look like penises.

Donald Glover Finally Gets to Be Spider-Man - for One Animated Episode

Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at 2:30 pm


Glover famously campaigned to take Tobey Maguire's place in the movies, which in hindsight looks like a far better idea than it might have seemed to some at the time. But with great Twitter irresponsibility came great power, and now he's voicing Miles Morales in an arc of the current animated series that involves parallel realities.

At 30, Glover's a bit old to do it in live-action, but I'm 100% for the current onscreen Peter Parker getting killed off and replaced by Miles. As I don't know any 13 year-old actors out there right now, I have no casting suggestions - probably a young-looking 18 year-old to get around child labor laws - but playing it safe hasn't worked so far.

Just please don't let Milo Manara draw him

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Live-Action Remake of "Prince Adam Sings Four Non-Blondes" Meme

Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at 11:30 am


Today just turned out to be a day for weird fan fiction somehow. I don't try to have thematically similar posts, but sometimes the Cosmic Enforcers just seem to will it.

So anyway, YouTuber Real T. Dragon decided to direct a live cosplay of that one video where He-Man's even more gaily clad secret identity Prince Adam sings along to Four Non-Blondes. It's not as mind-melting as the versions of that meme which just repeat the chorus for hours on a loop - but it does have a female Furry as Cringer.

Which is something you just can't beat.

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Blu-ray Today: Zombie Apocalypse, Nuclear War...and Legends of Oz

Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at 8:00 am


The Walking Dead Season 4 - It's getting to where the quality of the shows themselves really don't matter so much when it comes to Blu-ray sales, as the McFarlane packaging alone is almost worth the cost. Last year it was floating heads in fishtanks (mine have grown an impressive layer of mold); this year, it's a tree zombie whose head and arm move when you pull the discs out, making it more articulated than most classic Spawn figures.

The show itself was iffier this season once it got rid of the Governor - the solo episodes are less fun, and the new characters en route to Washington haven't made much of an impression. Here's hoping Terminus itself will be more compelling than the build-up to it.

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Weekend Open Thread: Become Robocop, Shake Some Tail and Drone in on Disney

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 7:05 pm

There won't be a Weekend Hangover post on Monday, as Monday morning's list will be Liz Ohanesian's report from Power Morphicon. So let me try to throw as many items as I can out there now:


-Rob Liefeld just looks like he's blatantly feeding the trolls with that variant cover above.

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "The Quest for the Holey Grail" by KingAurthr2

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 8:00 am


If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

It finally happened.

I found the fanfic that broke me.

We're talking about a creation that severely impaired my own ability to read it.

So how bad could it be?

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10 Character Deaths that Warped the Minds of '80s Children

Thursday, August 21, 2014 at 6:00 am


My first real-life experience with death took place when I was about five years old. Apparently, while I was at kindergarten, one of my two hamsters decided he no longer liked his roommate, and proceeded to do his best Hannibal Lecter impression on him. My mother walked in and saw the surviving rodent elbows deep in his counterpart's entrails. As my home had a strict "No Cannibalism" policy, she felt it was necessary to dispose of the offending creature before he busted out a nice Chianti. Her method of execution was to take the hamster, put it in a mason jar, and heave it as far as she could into the woods (sorry PETA, but this took place 30 years ago, so the statute of limitations is long past). As I walked off the bus, my sister, absolutely delighted with the thought of delivering me disastrous news, ran down to tell me the tale of the untimely deaths of both of my beloved pets. I walked the rest of the way home from the bus crying my eyes out when to my surprise, I saw my hamster was walking up the street towards my house. It was a Christmas miracle in October, that is until my mom assured me that it was not my dead hamster, scooped him up, put him in another mason jar, SEALED it this time with a lid, poked holes in the lid so it wouldn't die relatively painlessly by asphyxiation and could instead starve to death, and then launched him once more into the woods.

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