The Empire Is Totally Metal in This Anime-Style Star Wars "TIE Fighter" Short

Wednesday, March 25, 2015 at 9:00 am


I'm a little slower to the party than normal due to a weekend that included a ride on a massive Ferris wheel with an open bar inside each pod. But speaking of enclosed spheres that give you a spinning sensation, this short about TIE fighter pilots scored to guitar rock is what I imagine Imperial propaganda to be like. Not only is the music way better than anything Star Wars characters actually listen to, but the spaceships actually manage to hit Rebel targets more often than not.

it took four years to complete, and is worth seven minutes of your time.

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Edible Sex Lube Based on Cartoon Ponies Is in the Works

Wednesday, March 25, 2015 at 8:00 am

Take a vacation for a couple of days, thought I. What could possibly happen? Mission: Impossible trailer? No biggie. X-Files doing six new episodes? Great, but I know anyone filling in for me can handle writing about that.

Seems it's just another uneventful...HOLYWHATTHEFUCK??


This thing isn't available to buy yet, but the Etsy page is already set up. Are you ready for the product description?

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Are We All Ready for a Family Guy/Star Trek Crossover Game? No? Too Bad.

Friday, March 20, 2015 at 12:48 pm


It's actually a limited-time game within the Quest for More Stuff app, and thankfully, it's The Next Generation, rather than anything to make Leonard Nimoy spin in his grave (which makes sense when you consider what pals Seth MacFarlane and Patrick Stewart obviously are). Still, as much as I enjoy both franchises sometimes, the synopsis made me a trifle ill, and not in the good Beastie Boys way:

Commander William Riker is on a mission to protect baby Stewie Griffin, whose future self will create technology that threatens the Borgs' existence. Riker also enlists family patriarch Peter Griffin to repair the Enterprise, save the crew, and protect the future of mankind.
At this point, wouldn't killing Peter Griffin's mother, Terminator-style, be the best way to save mankind a whole hell of a lot of trouble? Make that the crossover, and allow me to actually kill Peter when he's 12 and looks like adult Peter with an Edward Furlong haircut and stupid '90s references, and I might be sold. Tell you what, Seth, I'll even write you some dialogue:

"This is really bad, like the time he said he'd be back."
FLASHBACK: "I'll be back"
"Hey! You're back! Just like you said!"

Alas, this instead...

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"Streets of Cage," the Nicolas Cage Genesis Game That Never Existed (but Needs to)

Friday, March 20, 2015 at 10:00 am


Hey, Sega had a video game version of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker - why not every recent Nicolas Cage movie in one game based entirely on Streets of Rage?

The impersonation could be a little better - but maybe it's a meta-riff on how half-assed Jean Claude Van-Damme's line-readings were for the Street Fighter: The Movie game.

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Disney Reveals Frightening New Details About Live-Action Beauty and the Beast

Monday, March 16, 2015 at 11:21 am


So yeah, I just got a press release that says "The beloved tale will be retold for the big screen with a modern live-action lens and the help of transformative CG magic."

Who at Disney thought "transformative CG magic" was a positive that needed to be talked up? Really? I do intend to add it to my vocabulary in a completely ironic way, because I do that.

The movie's also opening on St. Patrick's Day of 2017, and will include new songs as well as the old ones. It's like they're trying to screw up the inevitable drunken sing-alongs by confusing us. But on the plus side, Kevin Kline and Emma Thompson have joined the cast, making the appearance of Luke Evans in the lead role even more baffling by comparison. Full release text below:

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10 Things We Learned From the 1986 Transformers Movie's Original Cast & Crew

Monday, March 16, 2015 at 5:00 am


It's hard to exaggerate the impact that The Transformers: The Movie had on those of us who saw it in the summer of '86. Back then, all I expected was a snazzier version of the TV series. Instead, the film played like a trippy collaboration between Ralph Bakshi and Sam Peckinpah. With its slaughter of everyone's favorite characters shown in a more elaborate fashion than we had any reason to expect, "more than meets the eye" didn't quite cover it. At a recent tribute screening presented by the American Cinematheque and Dammaged Goods, I spoke with the movie's story consultant Flint Dille, voice director Wally Burr and voice actors Neil Ross and Michael Bell about its enduring legacy.

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New CG Thunderbirds Are Go Trailer - Better Than the Original?

Friday, March 13, 2015 at 10:55 am


Like Rob Bricken's persistent phobia of E.T., this is a drum I'm going to keep beating: for all the talk about "uncanny valley" and CG characters that we hear nowadays, nothing about digital cartoons is remotely as creepy as Gerry Anderson's marionettes were. NOTHING. Thunderbirds may be a property that does not belong in live-action, but with glassy-eyed puppets it's only good for nightmare fuel of the wrong kind, as far as I'm concerned. I have always believed this and I stand by it.

So this new CG version? It looks a million percent better to me. And if that makes me sound like George Lucas, so be it. I'll dig out my one and only plaid shirt for solidarity.

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6 Disney Animation Features I'd Actually Like to See Remade in Live-Action

Friday, March 13, 2015 at 5:00 am


I haven't seen the new Cinderella yet, but friends who have tell me that, against most conceivable odds, it does not suck. This sounds downright shocking, but when I consider that Kenneth Branagh made the umpteeth Frankenstein remake that, in my opinion, did not suck either (I took a LOT of heat in film school for liking that and Street Fighter, but for me, that was just Tuesday), it's not so odd. Remakes don't inherently have to suck, especially if they all come from strong source material. Lots of Sherlock Holmes interpretations have been worthy, as has more than one Robin Hood. And I would argue that, while it's misguided in many ways, even Maleficent was not a total letdown.

So given that Disney is going down this road anyway, what are the best possible stops along the way? I have a few suggestions. I suspect they will not listen. But I'm here to entertain you, not make money for them, so read on.

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An International Masculinity Conference Hosted a My Little Pony-Fetish Panel

Thursday, March 12, 2015 at 2:30 pm

Björn Sahlberg

My late great-uncle John, who lived into his nineties, made a career of creating crossword puzzles for The Guardian. It was the newspaper of choice for my English grandparents, and a family tradition. When I hear the name, I think of home-cooked meals, family board games, and Sunday breakfasts full of toast.

Hmm, I wonder what's in The Guardian today? Tum-ti-tum-ti-tum...

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More Lego Simpsons Minifigs! Willie! Comic Book Guy! Professor Frink!

Thursday, March 12, 2015 at 12:30 pm


Comic Book Guy looks very strange without the fat torso overlay, and just a belly painted on the regular body. I'm not going to be hyperbolic and call it Worst Design Choice Ever, but it's...lacking. Smithers with Malibu Stacy is a nice touch, and Fallout Boy will undoubtedly be popular with fans of the band (though IS USELESS without Radioactive Man!).

Blind-bagged minifigs are fun - but building sets are what we want. There've been a whopping TWO so far. Time for more.

Speaking of which, wanna see a better picture of the Lego Kwik-E-Mart?

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