Ah, May. Besides being a month of major motion picture releases, it's also the month of weddings. Yes, the eternal union of man and woman (sorry, homosexuals!) should be a joyous occasion, but sometimes, the bride and/or groom wake up on that special day and just want to get the hell out of Dodge. Whether you want to disgrace yourself to get out of getting married or just want to make sure everyone remembers your special day forever, here are 10 surprisingly sensible ways to fuck up your wedding.
It's not enough that I had to find and read a tale of Eric Idle and Michael Palin enjoying each other's Monty Pythons. No, I have to look at my Google Alert and see Radar Online's brand-new "Robert Downey Jr. or Iron Man" quiz about their respective drunken hi-jinks. I admit that it's a clever idea, but that's part of the reason Topless Robotran the same thing back on January 29th. I know TR had just started out, and only two people were visiting the site as opposed to the 13-16 of you there are now. It just bums me out, is all. I don't think there's anything that'll cheer me up.
It appears someone has filmed my subconscious again. Although I fully admit the 20 Slave Leia who visit my dreams usually carry chicken wings and Asahi Super Dry beer instead of numbered briefcases. Still, E for effort.
Don't get too excited, fan boys. This is Time's reader-selected Most Influential Person of the Year, which is not nearly so...uh...worried about how much influence that person has had in the past year. I mean, I love Mario creator Shiggy as much as the next videogame obsessed nerd, but the Wii is more than a year old, and while fun and cool, didn't exactly revolutionize the world. Second place is Korean pop star Rain, who, other than getting like 6th billing in the upcoming Speed Racer movie, has done nothing that I know of; and third place is Stephen Colbert, whose biggest influence is mainly on Wikipedia, by ordering his minions to fuck around with it. For some perspective, it's probably worth noting that utterly inconsequential actress Mia Farrow (!) clocks in at #137 , while the Dalai Lama is #207. But still, congratulations, Miyamoto-san. Now make that goddamn Kid Icarus sequel.
Ah, booze and the boob tube; there hasn’t been a partnership this profitable since Barnum and Bailey started dragging wild animals kicking and hissing from their habitats. And while most of us probably can’t remember our first legal taste of an alcoholic beverage, we certainly remember our first intrepid sips from Dad’s room-temperature can of Bud when he wasn’t looking, our first “Tom’s brother said he’ll buy us a six-pack for $20!” party in high school, and, of course, our favorite beer commercials from our childhood.
While cigarette manufacturers often got the shit end of the stick for marketing their lung-defiling product at the youth of America, the breweries of this great nation somehow bypassed scrutiny, for the most part. Spuds McKenzie was criticized for his kid appeal, but everyone from Bob Eucker to Billy Dee Williams has proven that drinking booze sure is a hell of a lot of fun. At least it is on television, the Land of Fully Stocked Fridges and No Hangovers. Since commercial spots for alcohol can be as far-fetched as Pabst Blue Ribbon being marketed as the choice refreshment for upper-class fairway frequenters (It’s true! You’ll see below…), here are the 10 most hilarious booze ads of all time.
Guatamalan police led a drug bust on April 13th that captured 1.2 tons (!) of cocaine on its way to Mexico. Obviously, TR doesn't usually report on the war on drugs, unless...
Those drugs are decorated with Hello Kitty.
God, I love the little South American revolutionary Kitty image. The only way it could be better if she had an AK-47 and a tiny mustache. (Via Japundit)
Seriously, no sober man should have to watch the above video, which is—I am shitting you not—some kind of Bollywood movie musical starring "Superman" and a "woman in a Spider-man outfit" dancing and romancing for five long, batshit insane minutes. There's dancing and flying and dancing and rescuing a couple and dancing and throwing people into the atmosphere and dancing and oh god, I'm going to have to have scotch for breakfast.
Also, I'm almost positive Luke Cage is one of the background dancers in the song's finale (look for him around 5:30). Sweet Christmas indeed. (Via Gorilla Mask and Have You Seen This)
Regular TR readers know that I'm not above tooting the site's horn whenever I get a chance to do so. Plus, this knocks that horrible Star Wars fan fiction from the top of the page, so it's win-win.
• The National Post, which sounds like it should be one of those big important papers like the Washington Post or National Review but is in fact Canadian, tells its reader to click on TR. We/me/it "delivers some playful but worthwhile observations, particularly about toys, comics and gadgets." "Playful but worthwhile" is also how my last girlfriend described me, until the incident.
• The Blog Judge has judged Topless Robot "not guilty"! Despite having no discernible focus (I'm trying for nerdy shit, incidentally) and finding our design looking, the site says we have great content. Yay! See, mom? People don't mind when I use cusswords!
• And last but not least, last Friday's "A 20-Point Letter of Protest Regarding D&D 4th Edition" was Farked, and I'm not really trying to get you to be impressed about that. I do, however, desperately want you to read the comments on the article over at Fark, which are mysterious and awesome. Mostly it's a huge nerd fight over the best edition of D&D, with a large portion of people desperate to see the hlaf-naked succubus writer Teague Bohlen mentions in the article, along with a few people chastising Teague for hating on 4th Edition with his letter...as if he believed himself to be both a half-orc and gnome and wrote the damn thing seriously. I love them all, and hope they become regulars. They are my people.
The Kids in the Hall have reunited for a new tour, and this video catches them brainstorming an opening for their new act. Sure they look older, but they've still got it—stick all the way through the video, as it's a bit of a slow burn. Frankly, I'm as happy as poor Kevin MacDonald is terrified.
So if you do laugh, you might as well head over to The Obligatory and watch the four other videos of Wilford Brimley breaking it down, "diabeetus"-style. Thanks to Justin for the tip, and for dooming us all!
I just wanted to give a quick congrats to Nikki Finke, editor of Topless Robot's far more successful sister blog Deadline Hollywood Daily, for being on the list of Time's 200 Important People Who Will Be Whittled Down Into Time's 100 Most Important People shortly. You can help Nikki by voting for her here; I know I've been ordered to I will!
Most of the time, reading erotic fan fiction for this weekly feature is pure pain and misery. Today, however, it's different. I thought I was going to be stuck reading "Bart the Ripper II: Mothersnuffer," which is described by its author as "Ten years into the future, Bart Simpson returns to teach Marge a brutal lesson in rape, torture and death." I was not looking forward to it. But then I spied a Godzilla/Lion King crossover, and my friends, it's so much more than I dared to hope for.
Like Joyce's Ulysses, the story is stream-of-consciousness, eschewing most punctuation, but from an unseen, third-person omniscient viewpoint. The prologue with the stars of the Lion King mourning the death of Mufasa and Simba (stay with me), introducing two lionesses named Sarabi and Ziara to hang with Nala. It picks up in Chapter 1:
Ziara: See i told you Sarabi was not going to succeed in this task the whore is probably slacking Off!!. The Other lioness named Called Nala in barely restrained rage growled out Stop Insulting Sarabi Ziara! she is an good hardworking lioness whom is likely being delayed by circumstances that are not her fault!. Ziara snorted and said in an mocking tone Sarabi is too weak anyway to do "ANYTHING" Necessary for us to get welcome here why she is likely going to reject using her body as an bargaining chip!. Gasps Of shock came from half of the lionesses while nods came from the other one(they were divided between the two leaders) an look of rage was on Nala's Face All right bitch you asked for it!
Cat fight, indeed! Meanwhile, Sarabi who has gone to negotiate something for some reason, runs into trouble in the form of a lusty lion from a neighboring land.
He swatted sarabi down and watched in glee as she looked up helpless, terrified and obviously distressed said What Are You going to do? She had an feeling she already knew but asked anyway he answerd Rape You!
Admittedly, if a stranger screamed "Rape You!" to me, I'd be pretty terrified, too. After an hour (!), Sarabi is rescued by a mysterious stranger who says this:
Never though i would save anyone but if thier is one thing i hate its rape...
Here's a coincidence for you—the same day that Adult Swim offers the entire Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie for free (whatta deal!), Cnet offers two free Flight of the Conchords' MP3s—including the panty-dropping "Business Time." Nice! Go watch the movie here, then download the tunes here. And if you don't know about the raw sexual power of "Business Time," your team-building exercise begins below.
Okay. This might not be placenta juice, but this week's STJT is certainly the most extreme example of something which only the Japanese would have. Puppine is a fashion magazine...for dogs. It highlights clothes and beauty tips for dogs, and occasionally, their owners (mostly how to match your dog).
I can only assume this magazine is a test to see which Japanese people have too much disposable income. Hopefully these people are taken to the top of Tokyo Tower and thrown off. (Via Trends in Japan)
Trends in Japan has cruelly highlighted two new beverage experiences in Japan. On the left is Cafe Colon, a coffee for older people who need more regularity in their pooping. I can more of less get behind that. But on the right is Placenta 400,000, a brand-new Japanese health drink made from—you guessed it—placentas. Pig placentas, to be exact. Apparently, placentas are good for health, and thus this drink costs a whopping $8 in USD. The blog's Michael Keferl has tied it, and says it's rather peach-flavored, but I imagine I'll be killing myself well before I get close to finding out for myself if that's true or not.
You guys remember the old "gas, ass or grass" mantra that described the ways one could pay for a ride? Please add "dressing like a ninja" to the official list. From Mainichi in Japan (of course):
IGA, Mie -- Passengers dressed in ninja costumes will be given free travel along the Iga Tetsudo line from April 1 to May 6 to mark the city's popular ninja festival, railroad officials said.
Iga Tetsudo, which took over the running of the old Kintetsu Iga Line in October last year, is making the offer as part of the Iga Ueno Ninja Festa, a festival that celebrates the Mie Prefecture city's links with the ancient stealth art of ninjutsu.
And if you're a ninja willing to share your marijuana, you also get a free sandwich and soda of your choice. Nice!
Alas, one of the old sci-fi Grandmasters is dead. Author of more than 100 sci-fi books including 2001: A Space Odyssey, Arthur C. Clarke died in Sri Lanka at the age of 90. At least he lived long enough to see HAL freak out, although he did die a couple of years before we shot John Lithgow into space. And of course, he didn't even come close to seeing the West German-alien orgies of 2069: A Sex Odyssey. Alas!
For instance, these children know now that's not really the amazing superhero Ultraman in that suit, but just some slightly clumsy dude working for 1200 yen an hour. Still, points for turning it into a roll. (Via Danny Choo)
Crazy Japan Ad - Little Red Riding Hood - video powered by Metacafe
Because no just and loving god would allow this commercial to exist. I don't even know what it's supposed to be selling—breasts? maybe?—but I know it's wrong on about 18 levels, and that's where I stopped counting. I'm off to kill as many brain cells as necessary with scotch to make sure I never remember seeing this. All collateral dmage is acceptable. (Via TokyoMango)
This month, our country officially begins Daylight Saving Time, and once again, we will be living a lie. What lie, you ask? The lie that we are “saving” anything.
On March 9, we “spring forward,” skipping an hour of time so that we can start the day earlier, supposedly taking advantage of the longer hours of sunlight. But what will we do in November? “Fall back,” giving that hour we saved to an increasingly ungrateful winter that regularly sends heating bills through the roof and imprudent ice skaters to the emergency room. This constant advance and retreat isn’t getting us anywhere, and frankly, I’m sick of it.
Luckily, I have come up with a proposal—a plan to make DST work for us, and not against us. In March, we should spring forward as usual, but when winter comes around at the end of the year with its hand out, we should give it nothing. Not a second. After all, I wouldn’t give a penny to a beggar in the street, so why should I give an hour of my time—of America’s time!—to a season that can’t even whip up a decent snowstorm anymore? My new strategy is called the Daylight Savings Plan (DSP), and while it may seem difficult to grasp at first, I’ve come up with a list of benefits Americans would receive under this plan that I think will persuade you of the plan’s necessity.
Nestle KitKat “soy sauce flavor”Nikkei Weekly Feb. 28, 2008
[machine translation]…going on limited sale in Tokyo from the middle of March, “Nestle KitKat soy sauce flavor”…It is said that the scent of soy sauce will drift faintly if a bag is opened, a scent matches the sweetness of chocolate… the “soy sauce flavor” can enjoy unexpected delicacy…
JAPAN
YOU HAVE FINALLY GONE TOO FAR (Via News on Japan)
HotelChatter has a list of the six greatest geek hotels in the world, and, between the video phones with A.I. receptionists and free Guitar Hero lessons, they're all pretty damned awesome. Check it out here.
So a guy who runs a blog knows a guy who knows a guy who heard that presidential candidate Barack Obama might be coming to this year's San Diego Comic Con. The Comic Con itself denies that Obama has contacted them in any way, so it's probably all a bunch of hooey.
I'm reporting on this non-news because I think it would be cool if a presidential candidate recognized the nerd populace and tried to win its votes. I also think it would be a huge waste of time, since generally nerds don't vote, but play videogames, paint Gundam models, and file comics in bags with boards in them instead of participating in the democratic process.
Newsarama has the above pic of Obama, which I'm 99% certain was taken in Metropolis, Illinois, which bills itself as the home of Superman. This is despite the fact that Superman was raised in Smallville, that Metropolis, Illinois, has no buildings taller than two stories and thus is hardly representative of the skyscaper-laden Metropolis of the comics, and that it's main superman attraction is the pictured 7-foot-tall Superman statue pictured with Obama.
On a side note, I was reminded earlier today that, while drunk out of my mind, I peed on a stranger's car in Metropolis, and vomited all over a hotel room. Small world!
Dungeons & Dragons co-creator Gary Gygax died this morning in his home at the age of 69.
He leaves behind a wife and Treasure Type H, which includes 1000 + 1d6 x 100 gold pieces, one magic sword, three scrolls, and a map of the dungeon below Dragonstorm castle, where the evil wizard Morfinkrull is rumored to reside.
Thanks, Gary, for making us all nerdier than before. May hippogriffs and red dragons speed you to heaven on their wings.
Wow. Okay, first I have to apologize to all you American Idol perverts out there looking for detailed description of the two Idols playing with multiply pronged dildos, because this story doesn't have them. Instead, it's a reasonably tender story of love awakening between the the two singers, as they move from competitive envy to become best friends and something more, while dealing with family members, dead dogs, and the media. There's no scissoring, just soft kisses and cuddling.
Carrie took out the necklace, attempting to put it on herself.
"Need help?" Kelly laughed, walking behind her.
"Thanks," Carrie replied, holding her hair out of the way. She fingered the necklace carefully. It was a small white gold treble clef with a cross running vertically through it. The pendant was encrusted with diamonds, and it fell against her chest, sparkling beautifully.
"Seriously," she shook her head. "I can't accept this."
"You don't like it?" Kelly asked, worriedly.
"God no, Kell," Carrie said quickly. "It's beautiful, and it's perfect. It's just...my gift is no where near this good."
"I thought we agreed," Kelly smiled.
"Yea, but I knew you wouldn't be able to not get me something. Honestly, you can be too sweet for your own good sometimes."
"So, you'll take the gift?" Kelly asked, hopefully.
Carrie sighed. She couldn't say no to that face; besides, the necklace was gorgeous. "Of course, I'll take it."
Kelly glowed with happiness.
Or so I'm guessing, because I only read the first ten chapters of the 22 chapter epic romance, which I estimate totals a minimum of 25,000 words. Devoted to Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Falling in love. You can read it here. And don't worry, gentle readers, as I promise to find some terrifying account of Jack Sparrow trimming Will Turner's mainmast next week.
I've just booked a one-way to Narita. Trends in Japan has word that a new booze market has been created this very week, as beermakers Suntory and Kirin have espectively unveiled Zero-Nama and Kirin Zero, beers with zero sugars in them.
Both also come in close to nil in the calorie department, Kirin Zero with 67 calories for a standard 350ml can and Suntory Zero Nama with 81 calories. Though it should be noted that both of these are happoshus, and thus not technically beer.
Arrgh! So close to perfection!
Sapporo, meanwhile, has a 50% reduced calorie actual beer planned for release on February 27, which weighs in at 119 calories and 4.6g sugar. Sapporo already has a low calorie happoshu, Sapporo Slims, which has 74k calories and 1.4-3.15g sugar (no, we’re not sure why it varies).
I'm pretty sure I'm going to name my child Sapporo Slims, so this isn't a total loss. Oh, and Sapporo's half-cal beer is called Beer Fine, which makes me extraordinarily happy.
Assuming, of course, you had some paperwork to do. This outrageously amazing Han Solo in Carbonite desk was made by Tom Spina for a buddy of his, meaning 1) you can't buy it and 2) that sucks, because the desk is awesome. Check out TomSpinaDesigns.com for more info.
I suppose some people don't enjoy the destructive, obsessive-compulsive glee of slowly popping all the bubbles in a sheet of bubble wrap, but I don't know them, nor do I care to. So when Japan came out with Mugen Puchi Puchi—a small, bubble wrap-esque plastic keychain that could be infinitely re-popped—I was actually pleased and impressed.
Thank goodness Japan has now made this otherwise innocent keychain dirty, however, because I would then have been surprised, also. What you're looking at is "Puchi-moe"—they same deal as the regular Mugen Puchi Puchi but with an extra touch of the submissive, too cute girls that Japan lusts so heartily for; after about 50 pops or so, a voice chip of a high-pitched girl squeals something not explicitly sexual but still theoretically dirty. And when you stop popping, she whines for you to "do it again." Classy! The Puchi-moe comes in four flavors: bossy girl, maid, little sister and childhood friend. (Via Japanator and Canned Dogs)
No, I'm not doing anything dirty here (that you could prove in a court of law). But I did want to take a moment to congratulate myself and the L.A. Weekly / Village Voice Media minions who've made this blog possible, since we've made it one full month! Yay to us all! I bet you didn't think the site'd be used for posting gay Scrubs porn, did you? Well, you probably should've asked.
When you hear you're dog barking, it's mostly trying to tell you something. One Japanese company posits that what your dog is saying is: "It's Miller Time, dammit."
Thus, Pet Drink Happy Lager, which is a beer made exclusively for dogs. It's actually non-alcoholic, so no worries about your dog getting drunk and throwing up in the living room (well, the drunk part, at least) but it does contain beef extract which makes it another totally gross thing that only dogs would consume. It's about $5 for a bottle, so it's probably best to give it to your dog when he's really stressed, or on Friday nights after a rough week. (Via CScout Japan)
You know how American celebrities will make commercials in Japan but won't deign to do the same thing in America? Tommy Lee Jones is currently pimping Boss Coffee overseas (which is delicious, by the way) in a series of commercials where he plays Alien Jones, an alien sent to learn about Earth. Unfortunately, he's landed in Japan, meaning all his information is going to be seriously fucked up.
Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records, because if there's a product more socially damning than the unofficial, World of Warcarft-inspired "Mana Energy Potion" beverage spotted by Kotaku, I don't know it. And the world would probably explode.
Packed with enough caffeine (two Red Bulls' worth, although it's less than half the volume) and sugar to keep you glued to your computer all night and day and the next night too, and to ensure your acne never clears up.
Frequent TR contributor and depraved pervert Rebecca Kelley has sent in this breaking news item:
I stopped by the Brooks outlet store to check out some running gear,
and they were having a big storewide sale. Most of their stuff was
half off or buy one get one free, but this deal in particular stopped
me in my tracks:
One might hope the "runderwear" was used to, say, wipe off a dusty desk rather than act as a de facto diaper for some poor runner, but I guess someone will have to pay $1.99 to find out.
kendo
After so much stupidity today, it's nice to be able to post something brilliant—specifically, a monkey doing kendo, thanks to a Japanese TV show (of course). My advice is to imagine the chimp wailing on whose who decided the Bond movie title and any executive at D.C. who thinks killing Batman is a good idea. (Via Japan Probe)
By Jason Arango
You guys remember the old "gas, ass or grass" mantra that described the ways one could pay for a ride? Please add "dressing like a ninja" to the official list. 
