Most people don't believe urine cures athlete's foot. A few people do, although those few people include Madonna (which I think ends up working better for the non-pee side). But no one has ever espoused the theory, that I know of, that urine somehow helps soften and/or shine up dry and scaly foot flesh... until now. Because now the Japanese have created the FootPee! Pack. Basically, these are two foot-bags that you can pee into, and then stick your feet into. So they soak in pee. Your pee. Which might help them in some way. Also, some kind of lotion is involved, but frankly, I'm horrified enough that I don't need to know any more. "Easy & Surprise" indeed. (Via Tokyo Times)
(Zombie Haiku author Ryan Mecum, who so generously inspired this week's contest and donated a couple signed copies of his books, wrote up a little something for the contest, and had his own honorable mentions. I'd be a jerk not to post it. After Mecum's winners, I post my Mentions and winners, so read the whole post.-Rob)
Rob B. must regret opening the floodgates for zombie nerd haikus. - Chris Ward
Fewer haiku have ever rung so true, Chris. This Zombie Haiku contest led to 850 haiku to be read by poor Chris and me. Of those 850, about 700 included the word "brains", and it seemed like half of them somehow attempted to combine zombies with Transformer testicles. That being said, your haiku were all fun to read and there were a lot of haiku gems to be found. I have picked out a few of my favorites, as well as the one zombie haiku I deem The Best Zombie Haiku Written In The Comments Of A Zombie Haiku Themed Post On Topless Robot. First up, here are my two favorite topical themed zombie haiku that deserve special attention:
Michael Jackson's dead. Any word on Thriller 2? What? Is it too soon? - eenyne
"Zombies on the lawn? Then try this brand new product," bellows Billy Mays. - Spock-Strap
Too soon, indeed. However, they still both had clear zombie haiku structure and imagery, so... HONORABLE MENTION! More mentions and winners after the jump!
Goddamn it. From wherever WENN ripped it off from:
The British boy who was flown to New York to meet Megan Fox after she accidentally shunned him in London has been snubbed by the star again - he missed the planned meeting with her.
Harvey Kindlon, 11, was snapped as he attempted to give Fox a yellow rose at the London premiere of the Transformers sequel earlier this month.
The youngster was thwarted as paparazzi flashbulbs blinded the actress and she failed to spot him. Fox subsequently apologised to the boy and bosses at camera giant Kodak offered a $5,000 (£3,300) reward to anybody who could track the boy down.
Once Kindlon had been identified, Kodak bosses then flew him to New York to meet the actress while she was in town to record an appearance on U.S. TV programme the Today Show on Friday.
But Fox's appearance was scrapped after the sudden death of Michael Jackson on Thursday - and the star flew back to Los Angeles without meeting her young fan.
A source tells New York Post gossip column PageSix, "Kodak basically put this kid on a plane on the off-chance that he'd get to meet her. They never even confirmed with 'Today.' Now they're offering him around for interviews. It's exploitative and creepy."
While a representative for the Today Show adds, "Harvey was never scheduled to appear and we don't plan to have him on."
IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD? A creepy kid just wants to give one of the most popular actresses in the world a yellow rose. Given Fox's previous statements, I doubt she had any idea Kodak was flying the kid in that night or anything. This is Kodak's fault, totally. Kodak, you make this right. YOU MAKE THIS RIGHT, GODDAMN IT.
Yes, it's haiku time again, partially because I'm a glutton for punishment and partially because there will be no TR contest next week, and I figure I owe it to you guys to give you a big contest this week. Plus, I have two copies of a book not coincidentally titled Zombie Haiku, written by Friend of TR Ryan Mecum, which contains gems like this:
You are so lucky That I cannot remember How to use the doorknob
All I think about Is how hungry I will be Once I eat this foot
Which is pretty damn awesome, as is the rest of the book. I have two signed copies of Zombie Haiku to give away, and both I and Mr. Mecum will pick a winner to receive a book and a TR shirt. I highly suggest you visit the Zombie Haiku site for inspiration.
So get to it. Haiku can be from the perspective of people fleeing zombies or the zombies themselves. Enter as many times as you want, but the contest ends at 12am EST on Monday, June 29th. I have no idea if you'll be able to beat the masterpieces that came out of the robot haiku contest, but I'm eager to see you try. Use your brains, dear readers. Then eat them.
Michael Jackson died yesterday of cardiac arrest at the age of 50, and I'm freaked out. If you weren't cognizant in the late '70s/early '80s, it's impossible to explain what Michael Jackson was to not just to music but pop culture, because he was a lot more than a singer, and a lot more than a celebrity. To try and put it simply, he was a star in a way that no one since has been, someone who everyone in the world knew, whose work -- which is absolutely phenomenal -- virtually everyone in the world enjoyed. And then he fell. And no matter how bizarre he got or what horrible crimes were hinted at, the horrors of his own upbringing served to make him and his whole situation unbelievably tragic instead of someone to be vilified.
As the King of Pop, he had an indescribable impact of pop culture; he'd deserved to be memorialized for the "Thriller" video if nothing else (of which the coolest fucking picture in the world is above, found by and shamelessly swiped from Geek Orthodox). Since you're going to be hearing and seeing a ton of Michael Jackson music videos today (and probably watching "Thriller" or Moonwalker clips on all the other nerd sites) I figured I'd show you this:
A little known cameo by MJ in Sega's Space Channel 5 games, where he plays -- I shit you not -- Space Michael. I can honestly say I hope this is where he is -- and what he's wearing -- right now.
Actress and eternal '70s sex symbol Farrah Fawcett died this morning at the age of 62 after a lengthy about with cancer. I wasn't going to post this sad news -- I'm sure you've heard it elsewhere by sites with less Transformers-based profanity -- until many readers chimed in with Ms. Fawcett's often overlooked career in nerdery, and I'm not referring to Charlie's Angels. She starred in both the little-known sci-fi show Saturn 3 (seen on right) as well as the Logan's Run TV series, as well as a few episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man (she actually was married to the Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors, for a little while. Also, she was so damn popular in the '70s that Mego made a doll of her -- not her Charlie's Angels character or anything, just her. This isn't the stuff that will make into other articles and memorials. But I'm happy to help others remember a part of her legacy that others will forget.
If you recognize the item on this shirt, then I probably don't need to tell you why it's awesome. The only thing I rocked harder than a Speak n' Spell was the Speak n' Math, and yes, I did get all the ladies in third grade, although these plastic tablets of learning were so much better than having real friends or a Nintendo. The shirt is $20 from Wire & Twine, who I discovered this past weekend after by this even awesomer (but technically less nerdy) shirt of a guide to men's facial hair; there's also a shirt of badass women's hairstyles. I humbly suggest that any of them would be well worth your $.
I'm not the world's biggest G4 fan. Basically, all I ever watched was Cinematech, because it was clips of videogames without their video jockeys talking over them trying to sound hip, and that was all I really wanted out of a videogame channel. But I always appreciated their E3 and SDCC coverage, because not all of us go get out to these cons, and it's nice to be able to see what's happening on TV instead of scouring the infonetment supertubeway all week. The fact that I'm actually going to SDCC this year doesn't change my opinion.
Now, G4 is taking the next step and just airing the Star Wars panel itself, so that more than the 3000 or so people who attend SDCC and can get in the panel room can see it. I approve mightily. I say SDCC (and E3, and a hand full of other cons and shows) are too big to just be for attendees. Hell, I think every panel should be televised. I should be able to hit up my Tivo and select to see whatever panel I want. There's no reason not to, frankly.
About the only qualm I hear is about G4 tainting the purity of the Star Wars panel with its G4-ness, which I guess means making Steve Sansweet wrestle a monkey while covered in Axe body spray while Olivia Munn, dressed as Oola, looks on. First of all, that would be awesome. Second of all, while that might be a worry for other panels, I doubt G4 is going to be bossing Lucasfilm around. It's Lucasfilm -- G4 will bend over and film the panel however Lucasfilm wants, and that's as it should be. Do you disagree? (Via SF Universe)
Star Wars is the most important thing ever to happen on this or
any other planet. It brought together people from all walks of life, taught
them to live in perfect harmony and bought them all a Coke. Okay, maybe not. It
was a pretty big deal though. In the late 1970s, the demand for anything and
everything Star Wars meant that you simply could not escape the film.
From fast food restaurants to newsstands, Han, Luke, Chewie and the rest of the
Star Warriors were everywhere. The flick was even marketed in doctor's offices
thanks to the classic R2-D2 and C-3PO immunization poster that was to prepubers
what the Farrah Fawcett one was to older folks of the era. Inevitably, Star
Wars fever spread to the pop charts quicker than Chlamydia at Plato's
Retreat. After Meco released his disco version of the movie's theme, aspiring
musicians around the world decided that Star Wars was their ticket to
fame too...with various results. A flood of quickie records peripherally and/or
explicitly related to the movie soon followed. Some of these were brilliant,
though most just were hacky re-recordings of the score by sub-par session
musicians. Instead of looking at the crap ones, let's instead focus on awesome
LPs featuring songs about Darth Vader on a respirator and funky Force jams.
Here's a look at the eight wackiest/greatest albums that drew their inspiration
from George Lucas' space opera.
Okay, not exactly. But she did apologize for shattering his huge, dorky heart into a million pieces when she accidentally passed him and his iconic yellow rose by in her hurry to get somewhere or other. The Fox tells US Magazine...
After seeing the photos of the boy's sad face, Fox [says], "I feel so sad for him. That's so terrible. That kills me."
She insists she didn't realize it was a child handing her the flower.
"There were, like, 80 million people everywhere. It's dark, all I
see are flashes," she says. "Everyone's yelling different things ...
and I didn't know that was happening."
The star is promising to make things right with the boy.
"If you know his name, I will send him a personal apology," she says. "I'm horrified. I would never do that."
"I'm sorry, sweet boy," she goes on. "I would never do that to you, and I would gladly accept your rose if I see you again."
Dude! She called you "sweet boy"! Go ahead and break into her house, and wait inside her closet with another yellow rose -- and maybe a knife too, just in case. She wants you so bad! That salmon-colored t-shirt will be crumbled on the floor before you know it. Hell, you might as well even get nude while you're in the closet -- it'll save time later!
Ladies and gentleman, I am proud to introduce you to the video embodiment of What The Fuck. Please make sure you're sitting down, and keep your arms inside the rise until the video comes to a complete halt.
What the fuck is going on here? Why does Zachary Quinto shriek in rage about his sunglasses? More importantly, why is he walking with a man in a butcher costume and another man dressed as giant steak? Is this staged? Is it not? If it is, why would Quinto possibly do this? If it isn't, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING HERE? (Via Dlisted)
Nicely done, you guys. We've just created enough sexual and scatological robot scenes that Michael Bay can make the next 26 Transformers flicks. Chances are he can just copy and paste the contest entries, use his "ADD EXPLOSION" script-editing stamp, and be done with it. Please, go read all the brilliance here, because these are only a few of those who deserved Honorable Mentions.
• y2jbrak for "Then at the end they all wind up celebrating Christmas together and
sing some 80's sounding Christmas song when Arcee goes into labor with
Crunchberry Commander's baby. And guess what kinda baby? A FUCKING
Go-Bot! Take that childhood memories!" • Erm for "Bumblebee professes his undying love for Lebeuf and proceeds to urinate
on him in the steamiest robot/boy water sports scene to hit the silver
screen." • Zach T. for "then shit explodes randomly for emphasis and Megan Fox rides a tiger in
a bikini and JOHN TURTURRO is just dumped in a container of robot piss." • Kprl_Kool for the terrifying "Think of babies day out meet the search for Spock." • Captain Flunky for the brilliant "Just your typical 'Budweiser commercial directed by Leni Riefenstahl' Michael Bay shot." • Monte, for the insightful "Five hundred new Transformers show up, and they all look like half-finished MC Escher illustrations." • Joe for an apt comparison between Transformers and the Batman movies • Phil, for the obvious but stunning mental image of "Optimus Prime jumps a shark whilst waterskiing and then wins the dance contest with Joanie Cunningham." • Mike for "Transformers 3 is the same movie as 1 but this time Starscream shoots first." • The Great A'Tuin for... you just have to read it • Mojo for "Decepticons infect the Autobots with a virus that makes them
incontinent. That's right robot pee everywhere. Sort of like the fff
from a few weeks ago without the creepy sexual connotations. The solution will of course be allspark depends." • Strangeman for "Have you seen Star Wars?" • Will for "At the end, Optimus Prime (with Megan Fox piggyback, and Shia piggyback
on her) will ride Road Rocket full speed at a trio of Decepticons... Suddenly, Optimus Prime will jump off his cycle
and launch himself into the air towards his enemies... turn towards the camera, look at the audience,
and exclaim, "It's time to take care of those TRANSFORMERS 3!" • Talanic for "It's also known that Devastator is seeking his missing comrade, who
takes the form of a train. When he finally finds it, it merges with
Devastator to form a thirty foot dong, which he uses to beat Optimus
Prime nearly to death; he finishes him off with teabagging." • Scalpel for "The third film is the quiet film Michael Bay wants to make. It
will be a courtroom drama in which Bumblebee argues for the rights of
those Transformers that don't want to transform any more, and for their
right to say "no" to the constant orders of Optimus Prime to turn into
robots... In a stirring slow-motion climax, the judge explodes for no reason right before delivering
the verdict. The Beef yells "NOOOOO" in slow motion for a full six
minutes." • Thomas, for almost certainly being right • WYSeanIWYG for "Gobotse"
This is too long. The winner(s?) is on the next page.
In less than a week -- June 24th, to be exact -- Transformers 2 will open, and whether you love it or hate, think Devastator's wrecking ball testicles are hilarious or unholy, it's going to make a jillion dollars, and there's going to be a third one. I appreciate all you folks that sent me the tip that Bay was quitting the Transformers franchise, but I didn't run it because I didn't believe it; not only was the source suspect, I refused to believe Michael Bay had any interest in making a quiet, indie-type film. That's not him -- I don't think he could if he tried. For good or ill, Michael Bay only makes stupid movies where a lot of shit explodes, and there's no reason he wouldn't be able to do more of the same in TF3.
So we're getting a third TF flick, and I want to look ahead -- I want you guys to tell me what the worst appearance/moment/scene will be in Transformers 3 (I also wanted to post the above pic, which I made and am inordinately pleased with). We've gone from robots peeing to robot genitalia, but I have no doubt Bay has room for more. Feel free to add script notes and dialog, but let's not go too long, because these will probably depress me as they'll all be terrifyingly plausible.
Now, you Bayformers apologists, my apologies -- stay tuned next week, because I'll be running another haiku contest with a bonus prize. The rest of you, lay it on me. One entry per person, not too long, your votes are appreciated, and PAY ATTENTION HERE -- the contest will end on MONDAY AT 12AM EST. NOT 3AM. 12 AM. Because I finally got the comment timestamp changed to EST, as you'll notice if/when you comment. Post after 12:01AM, and I believe a manspanking session will be in order.
Most of you folks probably know it better as conveyor belt sushi -- those restaurant which put the sushi on little plates, and then put the little plates on a conveyor belt which travels around the restaurant, allowing patrons to simply pick what they want. They're awesome, and there are a few in America, which is nice.
But we do not have this restaurant, which is fucking amazing even if you don't like raw fish (for the record I enjoy raw fish and friend fish, and almost nothing in-between, which I think marks a serious character deficiency). First of all, sensors on the plate keep track of how long each plate has been on the belt, and automatically disposes of them when they've lost their freshness. Second, you can also order specific sushi straight from the computer at your booth. Last and certainly not least, you dispose of your plates at a slot right at the table -- which automatically tallies your bill -- but the extra cool part is that for every five plates you put in, you get to play the slot machine/capsule toy thingie at the table and have the chance to win prizes!
Now I desperately want sushi for lunch, but the only seafood place even close is a Long John Silver's.
It's a fact that one day the robots are going to kill and/or enslave us all. It's even in the Bible somewhere, trust me. This notion of creations turning against their masters has been a staple of fiction for centuries; from the Jewish folk tale of the Golem to Frankenstein to Battlestar Galactica. However, these cautionary tales still haven't swayed those with the means of construction from playing god and building blasphemous, soulless machines that will one day eat our kittens and take away our cable. People have been writing about and even designing robots since BCE, but the real robot renaissance began during the Age of Enlightenment and carried throughout the 18th century. The unveiling of new robots would pack theater halls and museums from London to New York City and even royalty couldn't resist the draw of these eerily real creations. Some merely played instruments and some simulated defecation, but no matter how innocent the action, they're all permanently written in the blueprint of our destruction.
