10 Reasons Why VCRs Are Better Than What We Have Now

Thursday, October 16, 2014 at 6:00 am

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I am often accused of being a Luddite. This is because I think I am. I have always been - even as a child - largely suspicious of new technologies, especially those that come trumpeted as the "next great thing." If everyone is using it, my prejudiced and backward-thinking mind immediately dismisses it. This is probably why I don't own a smart phone. It's also why I still own numerous VHS tapes and have two working VCRs in my home.


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Give Your Gummi Bear a Scorpion-Style Fatality With Skeleton Candles

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 at 10:00 am

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I know, I know. You thought Gummi Bears had no backbone. You were WRONG! This Gummi Bear candle has all the bones, but you'll have to slowly melt his skin away, pleasantly scented drop by drop, to expose them all. Or, if you have a nearby Ark of the Covenant, just stick his head in there for a second or two.

Speaking of which, how come nobody's made a Toht-head candle yet? ThinkGeek, I'm looking at y'all...

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The 18 Strangest Versions of Dracula

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 at 6:00 am

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Could Bram Stoker ever have imagined, back in 1897, that the character he created would one day be used for everything from pornography to breakfast cereal? It's hard to imagine that even Bela Lugosi could have guessed that the accent he gave Dracula would still be in use, more than 80 years later, spoofed by George Hamilton, or teaching kids to count, or marketing everything from car insurance to debt-consolidation loans ("because debt sucks!") to throat lozenges. Thus Dracula Untold, the title of the Drac movie that opened this past weekend, seems almost impertinent. Can there be a variation on the Dracula tale left untold?

Here are 18 strong contenders for the most peculiar takes on Count Dracula in popular culture. Note: These aren't just vampires in the Dracula mode; all of them had, at minimum, to have either the title "Count" or the prefix "Drac-" or the suffix "-ula" somewhere in their name.


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I READ YOUR FANFIC! Anthropomorphized "America" Gets Raped by McDonald's Happy Meals

Friday, October 10, 2014 at 5:22 pm

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

Title: "America Goes To McDonald's And Never Comes Back (Part 1 of 2)" by Konata101

Logline: "America," a nation embodied herein by an overweight man with glasses named Alfred, investigates an empty McDonald's. Or so he thinks. It's full of evil, homicidal Happy Meals who proceed to have their way with him.

Acts Involved: Guro, oral rape, force-feeding, bone-breaking, anal violation, enema fetish, anal gang-rape

Participants: America, the McDonald's Happy Meal creatures.

The Live Reading/Performance...

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JJ Abrams Personally Solves 8th-Grader's Star Wars Math Problem

Thursday, October 9, 2014 at 5:00 pm

Remember the math problem that reader Bob S.'s son Cody wrote, involving JJ Abrams and Star Wars?

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Well, guess who took the time to write back and solve it?

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An 8th Grader Turns His Math Homework Into Star Wars

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 at 5:30 pm

Reader Bob S. writes in: "My son's homework was to make an algebraic expression into a word problem...this is the end result with zero input from me."

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That the 13 year-old kid knows his Shadows of the Empire references is what impresses me the most.

Jeff Goldblum Wants to Seduce You Into Buying Lightbulbs

Tuesday, September 30, 2014 at 3:30 pm

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The video description calls Mr. Goldblum "an over-the-top celebrity." Umm, yeah...

I've heard things I can't repeat, but suffice it to say this probably isn't anywhere near over the top when it comes to our pal Brundlefly. All GE really needs to tell me is they have a bulb I can throw in the trash without worrying about mercury poisoning, and I'm sold.

Is this one? I don't know. I was distracted by the chestiness. Which I guess is the point. Stupid sexy Goldblum.

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Ask Luke's Mother-in-Law: How CHiPs Gets It Wrong. Also, Pet Detective!

Thursday, September 25, 2014 at 11:36 am

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Martha Boyd is not just Luke's mother-in-law - she's also an ex-cop, a landlord, a self-described crazy cat lady, a major Star Trek geek and the widow of a green beret. So go ahead: ask her anything. And we mean anything. Just be polite when you do.

Wow, it has been busy since we last chatted. I went to the First Joshua Tree Film Fesitval. Have sent a pic of the fest's founder, "Q" (no not Q from Star Trek). He is on the right and the pet detective Mr. Jack Tyler on the left. We saw the documentary " If Only Cats Could Talk" by Signe Veje from Denmark. It is the story of 2 cats - one a missing one out of Huntington Beach, CA and the other a cat who lives in a library. Anyway I got to speak with Mr. Tyler prior to the screening. He is a cat naturalist and tracks missing cats in their ecosystem. He said that missing cats don't generally wander too far from home unless they try to hide in something like a truck bed or open car. Cats like to hide and will generally lay low. Generally a house cat when it escapes will return and come out of hiding in about 8 days.

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Revoltech Darth Vader Welcomes the Weekend Open Thread

Friday, September 19, 2014 at 7:29 pm

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We probably didn't need yet another company to make Darth Vader, but it happened anyway. A few more things before everyone chips in...

-James Deen is presumably Dick Reckard in this NSFW Blade Runner porn pictorial.

-Bill Nye endorses this time-travel documentary Kickstarter.

-GWAR replaced Oderus Urungus with a woman named Vulvatron.

-David Ayer may do a Suicide Squad movie.

-Laser cannons on planes are already a thing.

-A Top Cat origin movie isn't the movie you need, but the prequel Mexico deserves.

-An L. Frank Baum biopic? Word to the wise - he's a little harder to whitewash than Disney in Saving Mr. Banks.

-Game of Thrones theme, '80s synth-style version, is the best thing today.

Japanese-Style Cat Cafe Seeks Kickstarter Funds to Open in L.A...Again

Friday, September 19, 2014 at 3:13 pm

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They're pretty common in Tokyo - cafes full of cats, where people with or without pets can feel like the temporary owners of a whole menagerie of purring, face-rubbing, string-batting cuties. Catfe wants to bring this concept to the U.S...but the first Kickstarter failed.

Now they're trying again, with a new stipulation that assuages the concerns of animal-rights folks - some of the cats will be adoptable right then and there. This also ensures that I WILL NEVER EVER GO THERE.

Why? Simple: I have a wife who would gladly adopt every pet she sees. I have an apartment with limited space. If we go to a Catfe where the cats are on offer, it is a near-certainty that I don't get to leave without one. I realize it may have been a requirement to get the necessary support, but I'm warning you single guys who don't know any better: take a woman on a date to Catfe, and you'll be choosing between looking like a callous asshole, or bringing home one or more of the four-legged residents.

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