I hold a great deal of love in my heart for the Muppets, but I cannot say the same for Fraggle Rock. For some reason, a show about an entire colony of mis-shapen creatures living in the crawl spaces of and underneath buildings did not appeal to me; I think I thought they would mistake me for being friendly and/or happy to see them, and they would drag me against my will to their underground lair when in fact I hated and feared them (I felt the same way about E.T., actually. I was a very frightened child). Also, I'm still pretty sure Doozer Sticks and Crystal Meth are the same thing.
At any rate, the Fraggles are coming back, as the Devil—through his minions the Weinsteins—has ordered the creation of a Fraggle Rock musical/movie. Sez Variety:
Cory Edwards, who directed the animated "Hoodwinked!" for TWC, will helm the picture and write the screenplay. The Jim Henson Co. will produce and TWC will distribute.
Sez me: Bleagh. But it does remind me that I need to set some rat traps in my basement.
Sorry, but "Patrick Batman" is no typo. See, there are some new Dark Knight TV commercials out there, but frankly, I'm bored of posting new trailers today. So you get this little gem from the exquisitely named blog Geekanerd. I can tell you that I would have enjoyed Batman Begins a lot more if Batman had dropped a chainsaw on Katie Holmes to the sounds of Huey Lewis. Wouldn't you?
...and back to the irksome movie news. Here's the first pic of Justin Chatwin as Goku in the live-action Dragonball movie, courtesy of the Japanese Shonen Jump. Besides his overmoussed hair and American Eagle clothes and dull expression and the fact that none of the actors in this thing look at all like Akira Toriyama's original manga, I guess it's okay. Except for all that. Here's a translation of the Japanese text, courtesy of DB the Movie:
I’ll grant you a wish…!!
Rumor after rumor but [now] Dragonball live action movie finally comes true !
Director James Wong of Final Destination, and producer the revolutionary film maker Stephen Chow of Shaolin Soccer. Remarkable casts are Son Goku is Justin Chatwin who played Tom Cruise’s son at Steven Spielberg movie War of the Worlds, and Master Roshi is Chow Yun-Fat of Pirates of the Caribbean.
All Dragonball fan’s wish are granted now ! We will continue to offer new information to you on Jump Cinema Island !
And the Chinese character on the Goku’s T-shirts is “Un”(means luck, fate, fortune)
I don't think I'm wrong in thinking this movie will need all the luck/fate/fortune it can get.
I can't fucking stand it. A whole goddamn galaxy to explore, and yet, everything of consequence that happens in the Star Wars universe is always ON GODDAMN TATOOINE. A whole galaxy of alien races and people to meet, and yet HERE'S JABBA THE FUCKING HUTT AGAIN. And if you can somehow dismiss the stunning lack of creativity, you can't explain why Obi-Wan decided to hide Luke there after Revenge of the Sith. "Well, Anakin was born there, his mother died there, and he served several major Clone Wars campaigns there. But I'm sure he wouldn't think to look for his son on Tatooine."
Please enjoy this totally incomprehensible X-Files 2 movie trailer while I look for an embeddable version of the new, infuriating Clone Wars trailer. Look, Chris Carter—the reason I stopped watching X-Files in the first place is because I didn't know what the fuck was going on. After seeing this trailer, I also have no idea what the fuck is going on in the new movie, either. I do not find that appealing. Also, I'd like to punch you in the balls.
Since the Halo movie has long since had a sticky bomb attached to its head, and now lies lifeless and skull-less on the floor of Hollywood (metaphorically speaking), it's time to move on and pin all our hopes on a new videogame movie—Bioshock. Pirates of the Caribbean director Gore Verbinksi has announced he'll be making the artsy-farsty first-person shooter into a movie, and Variety says the deal was structured to make sure the movie happens (unlike Halo).
"Bioshock" takes place in an underwater city based on the free market principles of Ayn Rand, but things have gone disastrously wrong. Players control a pilot who crash-lands at a secret entrance to the city, called Rapture, and is drawn into a power struggle during which he discovers that his will is not as free as he'd thought.
"I think the whole utopia-gone-wrong story that's cleverly unveiled to players is just brimming with cinematic potential," said Verbinski. "Of all the games I've played, this is one that I felt has a really strong narrative."
...
Verbinski noted that Rapture's art deco design and visually arresting characters, such as the mechanical Big Daddys who protect genetically mutated girls called Little Sisters, particularly inspired him to see the game as a film.
That's a video of the Bioshock game above, if you're interested; I do wonder if Hollywood would allows a movie where the protagonist has to repeatedly shoot little girls (evil ones, but still).
Seeing as everyone expects Speed Racer to be a box office disaster and the movie is getting terrible reviews, the power that be have allowed Yahoo to show the first seven minutes of the movie in hopes of getting people interested in seeing the other 17/18ths. I think it looks pretty good, myself, but then I also enjoy shooting LSD directly into my retinas, and this seems like an equivalent experience.
No job is perfect. But if you're on the pit crew of the fabulous Speed Racer racing team, helping him, uh...race...in his...races...you'd think things might not be too terrible. Not so, as Topless Robot has obtained a copy of an employee complaint form from earlier this year. Looks like there are plenty of demons off the wheels as well as on them.
Hollywood has a long and storied history of sexing anything up to make it more appealing to the masses. For instance, check out the recent 21 to see the true-life story’s fat math geek transformed into a svelte, blonde Kate Bosworth. But its bullshit machine seemingly kicks into overdrive whenever a computer enters the script. Whether through ignorance or willful belief that the common moviegoer doesn’t know jack about what a computer can actually do, Hollywood moviemakers rarely bother to present a computer's limitations on screen, instead letting them be capable of anything, especially leaping through plot holes and loading a fat deus ex machina as needed. As geeks, this upsets us greatly, and thus have no choice but to call out the eight most egregious examples.
IESB got this exclusive pic of Destro from the upcoming live-action G.I. Joe movie, just as one might exclusively get herpes from an untrustworthy sexual partner. Now, I'm well aware of the fact that this Destro will (SPOILER ALERT) put the silver mask on at some point in the film, and/or get it permanently stuck on his noggin. But that does not make me any happier; how hard would it be to just have him wearing the goddamn mask from frame 1? Why not do that, if only to please the fans? Why bother with a face-mask-origin-story (which sounds a hell of a lot like Dr. Doom's origin) anyway? Oh G.I. Joe movie, you will never please me.
Theoretically loyal TR reader Joe emailed me this clip of Canadian comedy group Loading.Ready.Run's Iron Man trailer parody. As it was a welcome change from invites to make my penis larger (I can do that myself, thanks!) I'm showing it here. So I'm sucker for people wearing cardboard. Sue me.
If you thought I was being racist, shame on you. It's not my fault that Sideshow Toy has decided to make the lovely and dead Jedi Aayla Secura and a midget in a black Royal Guard outfit as their Star Wars San Diego Comic Con exclusives. Aayla is a new 12-inch figure, and as you can see, she has nice fabric robes which will hopefully be machine washable for when the fanboys wank all over 'em. The Shadow Guard is part of Medicom's Star Wars vinyl collectible doll, which would be awesome if it were also a 12-inch figure instead of a goofy vinyl style thing, but it's not, so I've stopped caring. (Via Jedi Insider)
With all the Marvel movie hoohah from yesterday, I'd forgotten that the new Indiana Jones trailer came out, to replace its shitty bootleg version from last week. I'm not that thrilled with this one, I think because after watching Iron Man, I want all my heroes to drink and womanize and be awesome. And as we all know, Harrison Ford only does that off camera.
Here at Topless Robot we've already given the business to a not-quite-dozen nerd-centric songs that could best be described by Spinal Tap's immortal two-word review, "Shit Sandwich." But there's more to life than snark—there's even more to the Internet than snark, believe it or not—and while anyone whose driver's license doesn't read "MATLIN, MARLEE" can tell you that Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" eats it, selecting the true cream of the soundtrack crop is a tougher row to hoe. Armed only with fond memories, refined taste, and that sweet YouTube extension for the Firefox search bar, we've selected the finest tunes ever to grace any movie about extraordinary, gaudily dressed individuals solving problems through violence. (If you're reading this site, that describes pretty much every movie you've ever seen.) Our one rule: If the song is from a score it has to have vocals—otherwise we'd just end up rattling off a few dozen tracks from John Williams, Danny Elfman, and John Carpenter and having to call it a day.
So feast your ears on the eleven songs listed below: They're really freaking good. And for once, we're not even being sarcastic.
Okay. In Terminator 3, the movie franchise dropped both director James Cameron and the character of Sarah Connor, and we all know how that turned out. Now here's a quick look at what's not happening for Terminator 4: Salvation: The Future Begins (yes, that is the real title).
• No Arnold Schwarzenegger (which we've known forever).
Instead it will be PG-13—a Terminator flick for the whole family. I think the Terminator learns a valuable lesson about friendship in this one, and how we should all treat each other equally, even if that person is a human who's leading a revolution against the machines.
As we've noted, Marvel's feeling pretty good today. And amidst doing rails of cocaine down rows of dozens of prostitutes (all lined up), Marvel took a moment to discuss their future plans. You can read the full press release here, but it's pretty boring and I've got the important news below:
• There will not only be an Iron Man sequel in 2010, but a Thor movie as well
• In 2011, there will be an "Avengers-themed two-picture project," including Captain America: The First Avenger and The Avengers
If this news has made you shit your ants, rest assured you're in good company (mine). The only sad part of the Iron Man movie for me was seeing the Sam Jackson/Nick Fury cameo and knowing it was just a huge tease, since there was no Avengers film in sight. Admittedly, there's no way to know what the movie will be, if Jackson or Downey or anyone will star in it, or it'll actually get made, but it's nice to think it might.
But I wouldn't be a nerd if I didn't find something to criticize, so here goes: I think Thor is going to flop. I don't think there's possibly a way to make a Thor movie accessible to modern movie-goers without taking away everything the comic fans love, just because of his weird mythological origins and all that. Thor has no alter-ego to speak of (don't talk to me about Donald Blake), and thus there's nothing for mainstream audiences to wrap their heads around. And I'm worried that if a Thor movie tanks, it could fuck up an Avengers movie, which strikes fear even into my cold, shriveled, black heart.
Likewise, I think it'd be a mistake to make a Captain America solo movie before an Avengers movie. Partially because Captain America's origin is 100% tied up in the Avengers, and I'm a bitter nerd who would cry if they changed it. But mostly I think given the heat of Iron Man (and potentially the Incredible Hulk), the Avengers is a sure bet right now, and a solo Cap movie would have more to gain after an Avengers movie introduced him, and not have to deal with the origin stuff. Additionally, I think you could introduce Thor in an Avengers movie, see how audiences dig Thor, and then judge if a solo movie could work.
Last but not least, I also feel that The Ultimates is pretty much the best Avengers story ever, and Marvel would be fools not to use it as a template for an Avengers movie. I'm sure they want to take out some of the dark stuff like the Wasp/Giant-Man domestic dispute, but the evil Nazi aliens storyline is gold. And it would be easy to sub in the movie Iron Man and Hulk into it. And it would serve as the perfect intro for mass audiences to Cap, which would lead naturally to a solo Cap movie.
Stay tuned for more "Enormous Nerd Rants I Come Up with When I Can't Go to Sleep" on Topless Robot. (Via Newsarama)
Because it's actually a direct-feed video, and you can tell what the hell is going on. It looks good, but after Iron Man, The Dark Knight is now the underdog in this fight. Incidentally, don't bother sending me a link to the direct-feed video of the "Jokerized" version of the trailer, because I still think it's really stupid and I hate it and I won't post it anyways. So there.
So...how did your weekend go? I finally got around to doing the laundry. Iron Man, on the other hand, earned over $100 million in three days.
It would be safe to say that the folks at Marvel Studios—who took the risk to make Iron Man on their own, as opposed to letting another studio spend the cash and reap the rewards—are thigh-deep in high-class prostitutes and mounds of cocaine at the moment. They've earned it, as here's what Iron Man has done:
• The 10th best 3-day opening ever
• The 10th movie to make $100 million in three days
• The second highest grossing non-sequel movie ever (#1 is Spider-man)
• Also made $97 million overseas, for a total of $200 million world wide..in three goddamn days
I think it's probably safe to say we'll be getting a sequel. For the TR take, I think it's the best comic movie I've ever seen. Usually origin movies are pretty clunky, just because they have to set everything up, but Iron Man is massively entertaining from start to finish. I think that's mostly to do with Robert Downey Jr., who is just a massively entertaining guy, My wife, no comic book fan, told me she would have happily watched a movie of Tony Stark drinking and womanizing pre-Iron Man, and I would have too. Go see it.
Remember that bootleg Dark Knight trailer from a few days ago that I told you not to watch? Well, don't watch this one either. Partially because it's still filmed by an epileptic in back-left of the theater on a '92 Sony Camcorder, and partially because it's the "Joker-ized" version of the same trailer—where the Joker got his hands on the trailer and did his thing to it. It sounds like a cool concept, and it is a cool concept, but if you watch it—AND YOU SHOULDN'T, GODDAMMIT LISTEN TO ME—it's execution is crap. Basically, all the Joker does is scribble over everything, draw clown faces on Bruce Wayne, arrows pointing to the Joker, glasses on Alfred (the horror!) and a bunch of bullshit scribbles everywhere else. Clever and intriguing, it is not, unless you're a second grader who also likes scribbling in the margins of things.
All right, film geeks, it's time to represent. You should know what this is—the flag representing a certain band of seven samurai from a certain famous Akira Kurosawa film (you get no credit if you've just figured it out); the triangle represents a drunken Toshiro Mifune, as per usual. As with the best geek shirts, only your fellow film nerds will know what you're representin'. At $20, it's a hell of a lot cheaper than hiring someone to defend your village from bandits—buy it here.
HOLY SHIT. Don't read this. Just watch the video of Nikko's beyond incredible R2-D2 Digital A/V Projector, then cry because it's so beautiful, then try to figure out a way to save up $3000 so you can buy it here. I imagine I'll be crying until I can convince someone to let be borrow their credit card.
Sure, the Hulk and the Abomination still look like they were made in a Computer Generated Characters 201 class at Devry, but this second trailer for the second Hulk movie is still much better than the first one. You got your Ed Norton running (and running, and running), you got your Tim Roth being a badass by walking up to the Hulk and antagonizing him (with is cool, but also the most idiotic thing ever) and the Hulk doing far more shit than just running down the Vegas strip to give the Abomination a big erotic hug. It's still no Iron Man, but now I might go see it sober.
StarWars.com accidentally made me start drinking before breakfast when they showed the above bit of insanity, along with nine other twisted/awesome Japanese Star Wars posters. You can check them out here; I'm going to go around my house and make sure all the windows are locked, because if George Lucas flew in on a satellite dish with Wicket and Chewbacca, I would literally shit my pants in terror.
As your favorite news nerd, I feel duty bound to post this bootleg version of the Dark Knight trailer, for however long it might be around (not long, I'm guessing). But I honestly ask you not to watch it—it looks like it was filmed by an epileptic holding a camcorder from 1984, transferred to a cellphone, transferred back to the camcorder and then dunked underwater for good measure. The point is it looks like shit, and a hi-res version of the trailer will be coming on Sunday at the latest when it's officially released. I'll post it, I swear. But don't spoil it by watching it in the worst conditions possible. (Via WWTDD)
Comic Book Movie has a look at the official U.S. movie poster for the live-action Dragonball movie.
CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT? I can't, because I'm busy drinking scotch in a fetal position under my desk, sobbing uncontrollably.
Wh. Not too long ago, Uwe Boll started making videos slamming directors like Steven Spielberg, films like Indiana Jones (which Boll's Postal movie will be crushed by at the end of May) and others, all in a desperate bid of attention for his movie and himself because his mother never loved him. It was all innocent douchebaggery until Boll called Transformers director Michael Bay out for sucking (which is true), and Bay, who was too stupid to figure out he was playing right into Boll's hands, called Boll a "fucking retard" (which is also true). Now Boll's response:
Yes, Boll wants to fight Bay, just like he fought his internet critics, because his shitty movies can be improved by beating people. However, I'm all for this match; let's put Boll and Bay in a steel cage and let them fight it out. Then let's not remove the cage, and watch the winner starve to death. It's win-win!
It's official, fantasy nerds—Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth director Guillermo del Toro has agreed to direct the two pictures that will make up The Hobbit movies, while Peter Jackson produces. Now, this is obviously a great choice, because del Toro is a huge nerd with an amazing vision, a great deal of experience directing quality fantasy and he loves the materials. But let's ignore that for a moment, because I think that del Toro is just directing the Hobbit to get in shape.
Don't believe me? He's what Lord of the Rings trilogy director Peter Jackson looked like prior to Fellowship of the Ring:
And here he is after Return of the King:
Quite a change. Now here's what Guillermo del Toro currently looks like:
See any similarities here? Yes, the original Jackson and current del Toro do look almost exactly alike in the portly nerdiness; it's safe to assume that del Toro could make a similar transformation. Based on the calculations of the Topless Robot Topless Intelligence, here's what we assume del Toro will look like after directing two back-to-back Hobbit films:
You'd think with the Joker running around Gotham City that Batman would have better things to do than set elaborate, bat-shaped fires on the sides of buildings, but as this new Dark Knight poster shows, apparently not. I think this is setting up for a major fight between Batman and Smokey the Bear in the next movie, though.
So take a look at what I got in the mail today.
Neat, huh? Despite the fact that opening someone else’s mail is a federal crime, I’m pretty nosey, and decided to open it anyways. What was inside, you ask?
Why, a whip, a fertility idol (needed one of those!), a notebook, and the Holy Grail! Admittedly, all those things are just printed on a piece of cardboard, but since my face didn’t melt off when I opened the box, I figure it evens out. Oh, when opened, a soundchip plays the Indiana Jones' theme, which is totally awesome. Even better, underneath the cardboard lay these other treasures:
• A Raiders of the Lost Ark Mr, Potato Head
• A 12-inch German Soldier (Not a Nazi, just a mean-spirited German Soldier)
• The Akator Temple Race Game
• The Indiana Jones Game of Life (Note that you can choose either the path of “fortune or glory,” which is a pretty sweet deal considering the original Game of Life lets you choose between the path of fortune or abject poverty and half a dozen hungry peg children)
• An Electronic Sound FX Whip (Can this be used as a sex you? I’ll keep you posted!)
• A 3 3/4-inch German Soldier (For those hard to reach places that the 12-inch German Soldier can’t get to)
• An Adventure Heroes two-pack
• A Shia the Beef puzzle (100 pieces of pure dreaminess!)
Now, I’m not showing you all this to show off (hell yes I am, you goddamn plebeians) but because I think it’s interesting to see what swag companies hand out to the press to get in their good graces (Note: if you are a large media or toy companies and wish to discuss this phenomenon further, email me at toplessrobot(at)gmail.com). And I wanted to assure you readers that this big box of goodies will not influence me or Topless Robot’s coverage of Indiana Jones or Hasbro’s Indy toys in the tiniest agree. I hope you come back next week, when we feature long-planned-in-advance Daily Lists like:
• 18 Reasons Indiana Jones is So Awesome
• 10 Reasons Hasbro is Today’s Finest Toy Company
• 13 Reasons Everyone Should Own Three Separate Hasbro German Soldier Action Figures
• 8 Ways I’m Willing to Whore Myself Out for your Movie/Toyline/TV Series/Etc.
Christopher Nolan's reboot of the Batman franchise has proved successful with his genius casting of fanboy-approved Christian Bale as the titular hero. With Cillian Murphy as the Scarecrow in Batman Begins and the late Heath Ledger's spine-tingling turn as the Joker in The Dark Knight (slated for a July 18 release), Batman's villains are getting better and better. Below, Topless Robot shares some other casting suggestions for future Batman characters, both good and bad. We'd hate to see the franchise take a sharp turn towards WTF (cough*Spider-man*cough), so we've thought long and hard to come up with actors adequate to suit up in Gotham City.
Turns out even DC's mightiest heroes couldn't stop the evil triumvirate of a terrible script, the delay caused by the writer's strike and Australia's unwillingness to give them tax breaks. Given how stupid the script was supposed to have been, we should probably all send the forces of evil a thank you card. (Via IESB)
16bit alerted us that Hasbro is currently showing off some of their new 3 3/3-inch (i.e., G.I. Joe-sized) Indiana Jones action figures, and wow, there's a lot of grails going on here. You can see Young Indy and Old Man Jones (with a grail) above, and you can head here to see Indy, darned Nazi Colonel Vogel, darned Nazi Elsa Schnieder (with grail), and a Grail Knight (with grail). I'm pretty sure these Last Crusade figures will be out a few months after the first wave of figures hit with the new movie in May.
Just because we nerds keep "Weird Al" Yankovic in fresh Hawaiian shirts doesn't mean we want all the music we listen to to be a total joke. (Are you listening, Rivers Cuomo?) Yet clearly that message hasn't gotten through to the Hollywood studios and major labels when it comes to the soundtracks they select for geek-centric movies. Like a nightmare cross between the mutants in The Hills Have Eyes and the Von Trapp Family Singers, every fresh act of corporate incest they commit breeds hellishly bad musical offspring.
Whether cheesy, syrupy, grating, baffling, or just plain dumb, the 11 songs (and videos) listed below all have two things in common: They come from geektastic flicks, and they stink on ice.
Before we get into the New York Comic Con coverage, let's watch this Spirit teaser trailer. Think of it as the pickled ginger before the sushi of news arrives. Do you think Frank Miller realizes that there's an appreciable difference between movies and comic books? Because in the trailer above, I saw a lot of scenes and heard dialog that would make for a decent comic, but when shown as a motion picture, are goofy as hell.
I've not read The Spirit (I know, I know), so I have no idea if he really lives in an empty loft with two dozen cats or if that's Frank Miller just doing his Frank Miller thing along with the all-black suit, the city-lover-mother thing and the rest. Can anyone tell me?
Credit where credit's due—the magnificent WWTDD has a huge exclusive in pics of most of the live-action G.I. Joe movie cast in their outfits. You should totally go over there to see the pics as is just and right, but since their site is running slower than hell, I'm giving you one. Anyways, hey! It's Storm Shadow and the Baroness!
...yeah. I promise you that this maskless Storm Shadow and glasses-less Baroness are the best of the bunch (there's a pic of Storm shadow in a white suit that makes him look like he's running a southern plantation and a pic of the Baroness in big sunglasses that just makes me want to cry). If you make it onto WWTDD, you can see Duke in the same boring unnecessarily detailed body armor as Scarlett, Ripcord in the same boring unnecessarily detailed body armor as Duke, Cover Girl looking just absolutely nothing like Cover Girl (TR buddy Sean points out she looks like the first Becky from Roseanne in camo), a few more shots of Snake Eyes and Scarlett and an okay General Hawk.
Entertainment Weekly's got a great article about the problems with The Incredible Hulk movie, specifically the post-production battle between star/writer/uncredited producer/auteur Ed Norton and Marvel. You could read it here, but I can save you some time by telling you the good bits:
• Marvel wanted an action-packed, more commercially viable, less than 2 hours version of the film.
• Ed Norton and director Louis Leterrier wanted a slightly more "meditative" 2 hour, 15-minute version.
• Marvel didn't care.
• Ed Norton was irked but understood why Marvel wanted the more commercial version (after the first Hulk flopped), and admits their version is indeed more commercial.
• It was only after TR sister blog Deadline Hollywood Daily called the Norton/Marvel-thing a "feud" and the press freaked out that Norton and Marvel stopped talking to each other. (Awesome! I wish TR could do that. Maybe someday!)
• Ed Norton gave EW a 257-word statement saying that the whole thing was a normal, if passionate collaboration as happens on virtually any movie, and he's cool with everybody and excited about the movie...
• ...but he still hasn't done any press.
I didn't see any Hulk art that didn't bore me, so the pic above is "Norton Defiant" by the always awesome Brandon Bird.
It's true that this video is the most tasteless thing you'll see all week, and that you'll go to hell if you watch it and laugh. But I highly recommend you do, so I'm not all lonely in hell when I die. (Via FilmDrunk)
Congrats to JoBlo.com, who got the second character image from the live-action G.I. Joe movie—namely Scarlet, as played by Alias' Rachel Nichols. Unfortunately, as much as Scarlet is trying to sway me by presenting her ass to the camera, I remain disapproving. Yes she's got red hair, and bonus points for the crossbow. But her "battle armor" is generic action movie of the highest order, covered in those mysterious and needless grooves that seem to be so popular with the heroes nowadays. Now, I don't expect Scarlet to wear this, necessarily:
But I would like to remind the G.I. Joe movie makers that they already have a character whose schtick is wearing black armor, so maybe they could check out the other colors in the Crayola crayo
By Summer Mullins
By Rebecca Kelley
