So someone replaced the score of the new Phantom Menace 3-D trailer with death metal, and all the lines of dialogue with dialogue sung in death metal-style (i.e., almost completely unintelligible). given that a reasonable portion of Episode I's crappiness was due to character voices -- the Neimoidians, Watto, Anakin, Jar Jar, etc. -- it's actually a significant improvement. Although I guess not understanding the dialogue is its own benefit, too. (Via FilmDrunk)

​From The Hollywood Reporter:

The vampire Lestat could be heading back to the big-screen.

Brian Grazer and Ron Howard's Imagine Entertainment has optioned the rights to Anne Rice's The Tale of the Body Thief, the fourth book in Rice's best-selling series The Vampire Chronicles.

...

Producing with Imagine are Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, the writer-producers behind TV's Fringe and the Star Trek and Transformers movies.

...

The hook of the Body Thief is that the story concerns body-switching. Lestat, depressed and lonely after centuries as a vampire, decides to transfer souls for a day with a psychic, who after the transfer reveals that he has no intention of switching back. Lestat, now in a human body and with the help of some friends, must track down the man and get his body back.

Well, thank god. I was just saying the other day how desperately we needed more effete, unintimidating vampires in the movies; thank god Ron Howard heard me. And the worst part is that if ever a series could be excused for a reboot, Anne Rice's Melodramatic Ambisexual Vampires Inc. would be that one. Not only has it been 20 years since Interview with the Vampire, no one saw Queen of the Damned. Plus, they've never made The Vampire Lestat into a movie, which would be the perfect way to reboot the franchise. Also, and this is important, but Tale of the Body Thief is horrible. Just awful, people. Seriously, Ron, just do Lestat. It's what people what, it's the smart financial choice, and it's even the right creative choice.

Ugh. Even though I truly believe this, exhorting a Vampire Chronicles reboot is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Please excuse me while I go rinse with rubbing alcohol and a match.

Between Avengers, G.I. Joe: Retaliation and The Amazing Spider-Man, I'd kind of forgotten all about little Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance coming out in the next couple of weeks. Bloody Disgusting has three new TV spots for the flick; I picked this one mostly because of a flaming skull doing a pretty solid Nic Cage impression while looming out of the car's sunroof. But the reason I'm mentioning this at all is because of the synopsis BD posted, which I hadn't seen before:

"It has been several years since making a deal with the Devil and Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage), living in self-imposed isolation, finds himself as the only person who can help save 10-year-old Danny - and ultimately the world - thanks to his unwanted and uncontrollable power - his ability to transform into the hell-on-wheels monster known as The Ghost Rider."

...Danny? Maybe as in Danny Ketch? As in the other Ghost Rider? Sure, maybe it's a coincidence, but if I get to see the flaming skull of a 10-year-old in this film, that's going to earn it a minimum of two stars.

Yeah, you can laugh at this old Indiana Jones/Nutella commercial if you want. As it turns out, if you open a jar of Nutella in a room full of Nazis, the Nazis' faces will melt off. From one who knows. (Via Geeks of Doom)

Sacré mackerel! Topless Roboteer Jay D. alerted to me to this new French trailer for G.I. Joe 2, which is a lot like the first American trailer, but with a small but tasty portion of new scenes. I tell you, even these few new shots made more excited than anything I saw in the new Amazing Spider-Man trailer from this morning. Now, you can attribute that to a major character flaw on my part -- you wouldn't be the first or the last -- but I have to think it's partially because Retaliation is surpassing its original (admittedly awful) predecessor, while Amazing Spidey seems only to be staying the course. Either way, it's sad that a single new angle of Cobra Commander in his mask can make blow my mind with awesomeness while every single shot of the Lizard just makes me shrug my shoulders.

Specifically, the Next Generation, represented by Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and the Star Wars prequel generation, represented by Qui-Gon Jinn. Sir Patrick Stewart and Liam Neeson were on the Graham Norton Show together, when Norton decided to settle the eternal debate of which franchise is better by comparing the two actors' toys. This video is awesome for two reasons: 1) I had forgotten how ridiculous those old Episode 1 banks looked when they weren't all paired together. Qui-Gon was supposed to be placed next to an Obi-Wan and a Darth Maul bank, so they could "fight." Without his partners, Qui-Gon looks like he's having an episode of the DTs. 2) Stewart actually facepalms. Hell, he headpalms. It's divine. (Via The Mary Sue)

FYI, the only DVD of note coming out today is Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1, which I only mention for Rifftrax purposes. Hopefully DVD Day will be back next week, assuming next week doesn't also suck ass.

​Yes, there's going to be a Batman Mr. Potato Head, uncreatively named The Dark Knight Spud. One can only hope this means a Heath Ledger Joker Potato Head is on the way, complete with a menacing potato peeler in his hands. I assume a Bane Potato Head will be next, though, since Bane already kind of looks like a potato anyways. (Via Big Bad Toy Store)

Battleship wasn't the only Bayformers-related video shown during the Super Bowl; Universal Studios Hollywood aired this commercial for its Transformers: The Ride 3-D... uh... ride, which intimates the only way you can defeat Megatron and the Decepticons is by paying $77 and sitting in a small theater with moving seats for a while (in other news: It costs $77 to get into Universal Studios Hollywood? Not counting parking? Holy shit, that's obscene). Ignoring the question of why Megatron is still alive at all (he was dead at the end of two of the three TF movies, after all), and why Optimus decided to make his call while Megatron was less than 10 feet away from him, I just want to say how lucky everyone at Universal is that I missed this commercial. If I'd seen Bayformers Optimus Prime appear to interrupt a NY Giants Super Bowl, I would have immediately had a brain embolism, run out of my apartment, and gone on a Universal Studios Hollywood executive killing spree before even considering it might have been a gimmick-y commercial.

The first real trailer for the Spider-Man reboot came out last night -- too cheap to buy a Super Bowl spot, eh, Sony? -- and I'm just not feeling it. I think the problem is that I'm not seeing anything in here to really differentiate it from the Raimi movies, so instead of being "Oh wow, it's a better Spidey flick!" I'm all like "Oh, it's another Spidey flick, with a new guy and we're starting over from the beginning for some reason." Or maybe it's because Rhys Ifans is no Willem Dafoe or Alfred Molina (I'm not even sure he's Topher Grace, frankly).

Actually, the real problem is that after the Avengers trailer and the G.I. Joe: Retaliation trailer, there's a pretty fucking high bar of awesome you need to clear to impress me this summer. I'm not dismissing The Amazing Spider-Man entirely, I'm just saying this trailer attempted the jump, hit the bar, knocked it off, and then landed awkwardly on its neck.

What if the Muppets did their own version of The Wicker Man, by which I mean the original and extremely creepy 1973 version, and not the recent Nic Cage PSA on the importance of punching women while wearing a bear suit? I think it would go a little something like this:

HOLY SHIT THAT'S TERRIFYING. Maybe even moreso than the original. Much thanks to Ian D. for the tip, though.

Also, sorry for half-assing it today; I've been too full of happiness and booze and red meat and victory to really function. I promise I'll use my full ass tomorrow.