Weekend Open Thread: Become Robocop, Shake Some Tail and Drone in on Disney

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 7:05 pm

There won't be a Weekend Hangover post on Monday, as Monday morning's list will be Liz Ohanesian's report from Power Morphicon. So let me try to throw as many items as I can out there now:

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-Rob Liefeld just looks like he's blatantly feeding the trolls with that variant cover above.

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Funko's Got Your Dancing Baby Groot Toy Right Here

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 2:29 pm

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It doesn't actually dance; it just bobbles its cute li'l head. But that's how we all got started.

Aside from the accessory figure that comes with the insanely expensive Hot Toys Rocket & Groot, this is the only official version of Dancing Baby Groot in toy form so far. I feel pretty certain it won't be the last.

Per Marvel's Ryan Penagos, pricing and preorder information will be revealed Monday. I hear it's going to retail for $IAmGroot.99, and be available online at IAmGroot. Consider that just a rumor, though.

White People Don't Leave the House in New Amityville Because One Is Comatose

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 1:00 pm

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Let's hope the audience won't be. With Red Foreman and Single White Female finding ways to answer the Eddie Murphy question, maybe there's hope. The trailer seems decent...though it has some creepy competition in Annabelle, which is that rare haunted house movie NOT produced by Jason Blum (both posted below)...

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Nicolas Cage as an English-Accented Samurai...AND Hayden Christensen? It's Like You Read My Mind

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 10:00 am

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I realize this is set in China, and that therefore "samurai" may not be the right word. But before you even think about criticizing my use of it, consider just exactly what sort of movie you're trying to apply a cultural-accuracy argument to.

To reiterate: Nicolas Cage. ENGLISH ACCENT. Looking like THAT.

It's like Hayden Christensen actually went to him and said, "Look, I'm tired of everyone saying I'm a terrible actor like it's a fact. Here are my action figure residuals; make me look good in this."

That'll do, Nic. That'll do.

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I READ YOUR FANFIC! "The Quest for the Holey Grail" by KingAurthr2

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 8:00 am

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If you want to submit fan fiction for me to read, please send it - or a link to it - to toplessrobot-at-gmail-dot-com with subject line "Read my Fanfic!"

It finally happened.

I found the fanfic that broke me.

We're talking about a creation that severely impaired my own ability to read it.

So how bad could it be?

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The 17 Coolest Things in Starlog #009: Star Wars Ascends, Star Trek Descends, and Shatner Absconds

Friday, August 22, 2014 at 6:00 am

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The ninth issue of Starlog hit the stands on September 1, 1977, the sixth of the eight-times-a-year issues. The focus is primarily on television, including the surely-going-to-happen new Star Trek series intended to replace the definitely-not-gonna-happen Star Trek feature film, but Star Wars continues to pull focus. And William Shatner tries to walk away from it all.

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Smaug Alert - 22" Hobbit-Eating Dragon Figure Flies Home for Christmas

Thursday, August 21, 2014 at 5:30 pm

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While there have been some issues with the action figure lines from The Hobbit movies, we can be relieved that the one figure fans are likely to want most is indeed going to be available, though he may prove almost as elusive as the Archenstone. A limited run of 3,000 individually numbered Smaug figures will be made available to those who preorder at WBshop.com, and given that he'll come with a mystery 1.5" bonus figure...I think we can safely say that IF said bonus figure is a Hobbit or dwarf, this Smaug will be in scale with the 3-3/4 inch figures released thus far. If not, you'll have to fake it.

Smaug has ten points of articulation, bendy wires in his wings, and multiple paint apps for a detailed color scheme. At $70 he's not super cheap, but for a figure that size in a limited run it's pretty fair. You could try to forge a black arrow and bring down a real one, but really, seventy bucks on your credit card is the safer option. If you can't manage that now, be aware that trying to find him on eBay later might just be..."the greatest adventure."

h/t Matthew Catania

That Ken Jeong-David Hasselhoff-Hulk Hogan Movie You Never Knew You Never Wanted? It's on.

Thursday, August 21, 2014 at 4:00 pm

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Say, what could be better than a movie in which Ken Jeong tries to win a celebrity death pool by killing David Hasselhoff, co-starring Hulk Hogan?

Well, how about that same movie, directed by Darren Grant? Let me explain: Darren Grant directed Diary of a Mad Black Woman, the only Tyler Perry's Madea movie not directed by Tyler Perry. The one that is actually worse than anything Tyler Perry did all by himself.

I would totally change my tune if they revealed that this is actually a big-screen Thunder in Paradise, the show in which Hogan managed to rip off both of Hasselhoff's most famous TV shows in one, and do so amazingly badly...

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TR Review: Sin City: A Dame to Kill For Is as Frank Miller-y as a Taliban Whiskey Enema

Thursday, August 21, 2014 at 12:00 pm

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Taken on its own terms, for what it's trying to achieve, Sin City: A Dame to Kill for is almost an unqualified success - it sets out to bring Frank Miller's words and pictures into 3-D as literally as possible, and it does (the major exception to that fealty, as you certainly know by now, is brought to you by the letters J.A., and NOT by the letters T&A).

Despite viewing it at a press screening in a theater that should never, ever be used to project 3-D (when I closed one eye, it was STILL in double-vision, which is a technical error), I was engrossed every time the effect actually worked. A shower of shattered glass here, a late-night dive into a swimming pool there, and the rain that falls on the just and unjust alike. While the backdrops of the original occasionally looked and felt like backdrops, this is a tangible world with depth that you want to lose yourself in - and that made me wish for an open-world video game where I could go anywhere in the city by myself.

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10 Character Deaths that Warped the Minds of '80s Children

Thursday, August 21, 2014 at 6:00 am

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My first real-life experience with death took place when I was about five years old. Apparently, while I was at kindergarten, one of my two hamsters decided he no longer liked his roommate, and proceeded to do his best Hannibal Lecter impression on him. My mother walked in and saw the surviving rodent elbows deep in his counterpart's entrails. As my home had a strict "No Cannibalism" policy, she felt it was necessary to dispose of the offending creature before he busted out a nice Chianti. Her method of execution was to take the hamster, put it in a mason jar, and heave it as far as she could into the woods (sorry PETA, but this took place 30 years ago, so the statute of limitations is long past). As I walked off the bus, my sister, absolutely delighted with the thought of delivering me disastrous news, ran down to tell me the tale of the untimely deaths of both of my beloved pets. I walked the rest of the way home from the bus crying my eyes out when to my surprise, I saw my hamster was walking up the street towards my house. It was a Christmas miracle in October, that is until my mom assured me that it was not my dead hamster, scooped him up, put him in another mason jar, SEALED it this time with a lid, poked holes in the lid so it wouldn't die relatively painlessly by asphyxiation and could instead starve to death, and then launched him once more into the woods.


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