If Sagat's impossibly toned butt doesn't strike your fancy, I'm today's Fan Fiction will. It's an epic tale of Buffy, that indomitable vampire slayer, and her cute-as-a-button sister Dawn, and more specifically, about Buffy prostituting Dawn against her will. I'm not going to lie; this story is a pretty challenging read, but that's because author TinkerBell is such an artist. Honestly, I feel "TeenHook" is more of a tone poem than a short story, per se. For instance, it's made up entirely of stanzas like this:
Buffy watched Dawn as she laid on her bed reading. “ that position just make her boobs look bigger, I wanna suck them” she thought when she heard the bell.
- Yes? – she asked as she answered
- I’m here for the teen puss? – a man answered
- Oh yes! Race?
- Stromin
- Not familiar with your kind – the man smirked
- I feed on the juices……. – Buffy made a pleased squeal
- What do you intend on doing?
- Just suck her
- $200 – he handed her the money and Buffy just told him to wait.
That's the second stanza of the six that make up "TeenHook" (I'm sorry to not show you the first stanza, which includes this line from Buffy: "Here is the deal, I have a teen puss home. I want to make some money. Spread the word!"). The lack of quotations, the refusal to indentify speakers...I think TinkerBell wants we readers to see ourselves not only in the teen puss-seeking stranger, but Dawn as well. We are violators and being violated. Why TinkerBell uses "puss" instead of the more traditional "pussy" I have no idea.
To make a short story shorter, the stranger recommends making Dawn's breasts bigger, which strikes Buffy as a grand notion. But after a boob-enhancing spell, there's a twist in Buffy pimp plan when the phone rings!
- Hello, I’m calling about the teen puss? – a man’s voice said – I would like to know if there is any chance she may be for sale?
- If I were to sell it would cost a lot of money, and she hasn’t finished her training yet… - Buffy answered
- I’ll take her anyway
- She’ll be ready to go in 2 hours…
That Buffy is one savvy negotiator, a fact I never truly picked up in the TV series. Alas, all good things must come to an end, and "TeenHook" ends with both whimsy and melancholy.
Dawn watched as Buffy made her bags putting only trashy clothes and no underwear, keeping all the good stuff for herself.
- Buffy, please let me take some better clothes – she begged
- You won’t be needing them
- At least some underwear…
- No! – Buffy approached smiling evilly – I want the buyer to see what a slut you are ....
You guys are welcome to read the whole thing here, and I invite all you English grads to debate the metaphor of the underwear in the comments.
Although it pains me to recall it, there was a time when I thought Heroes was better than Lost. That was in the beginning of Heroes' first season, when some big revelation or twist happened every episode and Lost's third, when nothing was happening at all. Of course, Lost immediately stepped up its game and Heroes has sucked immensely since the first season finale. Point is, I kind of hate Heroes now for starting so good and then sucking so bad, as I feel I've been tricked.
But when Heroes' third season starts this fall, there will be a new member of the cast. Namely, Tron—Bruce motherfucking Boxleitner himself. And some chick named Brea Grant from the always-almost-doomed Friday Night Lights will show up as a Flash/Quicksilver-fast-person-type. TV Guide's Ausiello says that despite these additions to the cast, the show will focus of the original Heroes, to avoid the insane waste of time that were the Mexican brother and sister (who made Nikki and Paulo look brilliant, by the way). I'm not opposed to adding more people to the Heroes' cast, because most of the original Heroes are incredibly dull. Just as long as they do something besides take a road trip with Sylar and use their powers in a way with absolutely no consequence for 10 episodes in row and then die, making their dull adventure even more worthless.
If you're a regular viewer of the The Colbert Report, you're probably aware of Colbert's hatred of Rain, the Korean pop singer who always ranks above him at Time's most influential polls. Well, looks like Rain—who's also starring in this Friday's Speed Racer, by the way—had enough of Colbert's shit talk, and came in on Monday for a dance-off. I was actually watching this episode, then turned it off tmid-way through to go to sleep. Damn you, human body! (Via Kotaku)
Wondering why the hell Mezco hadn't announced a Future Hiro figure from its three waves of Heroes figures or recently announced Toys "R" Us exclusives? Well, wonder no more: Mezco did indeed make one, and they're going to make him exclusive to the San Diego Comic Con and their online store, according to ToyNewsI. If you're not attending (or don't want to deal with the uncertainty of fighting the SDCC crowds) you can pre-order him here for a mere $30.
But seriously, where's the Mohinder love? As the greatest toy of 2008, you'd think Mezco would be churning out the variants and exclusives. Why, he could be wearing a different color sweater underneath his jacket, or have a slightly more confused expression on his face! He could come with a variant open man-purse! Do I have to do all the thinking for you, Mezco?
If the internet were somehow made of paper, I promise you would see this post stained with large tears, the ink running down the page as I cry quietly, broken and miserable after seeing what evil is possible in the world. Yes, the post title does not lie—this story from author Nyssa is not about any of Eric Idle or Michael Palin's Monty Python characters, but the two comedians themselves.
Author's note: This story is set in April 1976, during Monty Python's three-week stint at New York's City Center theater. It could be considered an AU, as there is no mention of wives.
Yes, because they did not bring their wives to a 1976 performance, it is entirely possible they had hot, throbbing gay sex. My wife isn't currently in the room while I type this, so I suppose I might be having hot gay sex as well. Anyways, after the show Palin drags a drunk and sexual assault-happy Idle to their hotel room:
He captured Mike’s mouth with his own, slipped a hand into Mike's trouser front, and Mike’s brain began to hum with the effects of this new intoxicant. Eric was an unpredictable, drunken bastard -- at least at the moment -- but Mike loved him. And he felt so bloody wonderful, Mike wanted to pull him down to the floor and have him right now. The fifteen feet or so between them and the bed seemed suddenly a mile.
Palin, being a gentleman, does not press the matter further. Unfortunately, that's not the end, as the two end up having a long talk about love, and then hot gay sex. I want to show you two more snippits, then I really can't bear any more.
Agonizingly, Eric released him, using both hands to still Mike’s thrashing hips. “Steady, steady,” he whispered, in a teasing, if breathless, tone. “That’s just what I mean. Fucking desperate. How d’you think that makes me feel? Being solely responsible for your, erm, sexual sanity. How long do you think I can handle all this on my own? I’m not very good with responsibility, you know that.”
And:
He started to rise, but Eric shot out a hand and gripped his arm. Mike jerked free and stood, and Eric spoke in his pepperpot falsetto. “Oooh. ‘His strength is as the strength of ten because his heart is pure.’” Mike ignored the Galahad reference.
I don't know why, but the Pythons making Monty Python references to each other like a couple of goddamn high school nerds offends me so much more than the idea of Eric Idle fucking Michael Palin up the ass (which happens). Frankly, I feel violated myself. I'm off to have a long, hot shower, and cry for awhile.
Michael Rosenbaum is leaving Smallville. Forgive me if I'm not more broken up, but I never really got into Smallville. I tried, honestly, but then saw an episode where there's an illegal street racing subculture in Smallville that Clark had never heard of despite living in Smallville his entire life, and I decided that was the stupidest thing ever.
Anyways, there are two important things to note about Rosenbaum/Luthor's departure; the first is that Entertainment Weekly says he will be replaced by two villains, Doomsday—the guy who killed Supes in the '90s—and an unnamed female. In the comics, Doomsday looks like this:
Since this is The CW, I assume the Smallville version of Doomsday will look like this:
The second things is that Rosenbaum wants to start "the next chapter of his life and career." Is there a spec script for Sorority Boys 2 that I'm unaware of? More importantly, wouldn't it suck if Michael Rosenbaum couldn't grow hair anymore? I think he'd be bitter as hell.
I'm ever so glad someone uploaded this moment of genius from last week's 30 Rock in which the uncanny valley is explained as the reason why no one can properly combine video games and pornography. My only regret is that I've already missed 30 years not asking people to "tell it to me in Star Wars" in every possible situation. I'll be rectifying this immediately. (Via Kotaku)
When we last saw the American preview for Kamen Rider Dragon Knight, the actors were godawful and the show was due on February 27th. Now the show is supposed to premiere at some point this year, and I've upgraded the acting from godawful to merely bad. My new biggest problem is that the main hero looks like a giant 5-year-old. Incidentally, there are apparently 13 different Kamen Riders in this series, so don't give yourself a hard time if you have trouble telling them apart. (Via Japanator)
If you grew up in the 1980’s, the Muppets are a likely a staple of your childhood. Everyone has a favorite character, and people still look back fondly on the old Muppet Show or the early films, like The Muppet Movie or The Great Muppet Caper.
But it’s impossible to deny that there are plenty of suck-ass Muppets that screw up the movies and TV shows they’re in. Some of them are one-note, one-gag characters that tell the same tired joke over and over again. Some of them were created after the death of Jim Henson, who apparently took many of the secrets behind what it takes to make the Muppets not terrible to his untimely grave. The one thing they share in common: they’re awful.
Would you like to watch that NYCC preview for the third season of the Venture Bros., but actually hear the dialog this time? Oh, and watch it without getting nauseous? TR buddy and writer Jon Gutierrez sent me this blessedly legit version of the preview from Quick Stop Entertainment, and I promise you, it's totally worth watching again, if only to hear the final, shocking words.
Ah, booze and the boob tube; there hasn’t been a partnership this profitable since Barnum and Bailey started dragging wild animals kicking and hissing from their habitats. And while most of us probably can’t remember our first legal taste of an alcoholic beverage, we certainly remember our first intrepid sips from Dad’s room-temperature can of Bud when he wasn’t looking, our first “Tom’s brother said he’ll buy us a six-pack for $20!” party in high school, and, of course, our favorite beer commercials from our childhood.
While cigarette manufacturers often got the shit end of the stick for marketing their lung-defiling product at the youth of America, the breweries of this great nation somehow bypassed scrutiny, for the most part. Spuds McKenzie was criticized for his kid appeal, but everyone from Bob Eucker to Billy Dee Williams has proven that drinking booze sure is a hell of a lot of fun. At least it is on television, the Land of Fully Stocked Fridges and No Hangovers. Since commercial spots for alcohol can be as far-fetched as Pabst Blue Ribbon being marketed as the choice refreshment for upper-class fairway frequenters (It’s true! You’ll see below…), here are the 10 most hilarious booze ads of all time.
Yes, Lost blissfully returns tonight at 10 p.m., beginning the final half of season 4. We know the Oceanic 6, and we know everyone in the future is totally miserable. We also know this bizarre and oddly irritating hint from Entertainment Weekly's Doc Jensen regarding tonight's episode:
Double-Crossing Telescopic Two-for-One Ass Whooping!
I don't know why that makes me mad, but it does. Because I think that's such a shitty spoiler, you can have a few more after the jump. Remember, these are spoilers, so don't go bitching to me if you learn something you didn't want to.
Warning—there is so much goodness in this preview of the third season of the Venture Bros. (shown at NYCC) that your may die. Not because of the return of Henry Killinger, not because of Brock in a Nick Fury outfit, not because of "The Nozzle," but probably because of the greatest G.I. Joe parody that will ever exist. The rest of the day is all downhill for here, kids—we should probably watch this and go right back to bed. (Via MikeGerber.com)
More importantly, would you buy a statue of a cartoon of a magic lesbian? Sideshow Toy and Electric Tiki hope the answer is yes, because they plan on releasing this "Tooned Up" Willow statue from Buffy the Vampire Slayer this fall. Willow is 10-inches tall and will run $90 when she's released; for those of you keeping track at home, Willow is the second in the Tooned-Up Buffy line after Buffy herself (assumably Angel, Spike or Xander will follow). You can pre-order her here. (Via Action-Figure)
I'm not sure how I missed hearing about this (well, besides my refusal to watch Deal or No Deal), but apparently there was a Marvel-themed Deal or No Deal on Wednesday night. Comic fan Josh Akuna won $189,000 and a chance to be dawn in Uncanny X-Men #500. The reason I'm posting this story, of course, is because the Deal models got decked out in Storm costumes, and far be it from me to deny you boys the site of eight ladies in nerd costumes. Given that the Deal girls will also be decked out in Slave Leia bikinis in a few weeks, it looks like Deal or No Deal is really trying to get the nerd viewers. What's next? DC superheroines? Video game girls? Cosplay? Please god, let it be cosplay. (Via Marvel)
My apologies if you've heard this news already, but frankly, my brain is still trying to process the fact that there's going to be a Star Wars-themed Deal or No Deal on April 28th. All the models will be dressed in Slave Leia outfits, Chewbacca, R2-D2 and others will help out the contestants, and Darth Vader will take over the role of banker. The Star Wars.com blog has a pretty detailed overview of the show, if you care, but chances are you just want a shot of 20 models in gold bikinis. Well, I don't have one. Your consolation prize: Howie Mandel hanging out with Chewie and R2.
Anyone know if that's Mayhew in there?
The fourth and final season of the amazingly good Battlestar Galactica kicks off tonight, which means that our intrepid crew will no doubt find Earth this season and live happily ever after. Or everyone will die horribly. One of the two. But don’t despair, because you’re not done with the Cylons yet! The Sci-Fi Channel has greenlit Caprica, a spin-off that takes place before the first Cylon War. Caprica won’t be just a continuation of the Battlestar we know and love, though. It will be a family saga based around the high-stakes world of Cylon manufacturing. In fact, the it’s been described as “Dallas, but with robots.”
Well, we here at Topless Robot think that they’ve stumbled on the formula for an infinite number of spin-offs. “(Classic TV show) but with robots” is the premise that keeps on giving! We highly suggest that the producers get to work right away on more spin-offs, but to keep from flooding the market right away, here are just a handful that they should concentrate on first.
Kind of. Actually, not at all. Toys R Us is actually getting two exclusive Heroes action figures from Mezco, one of Hiro in Times Square (in front of the Toys R Us flagship building! What a coincidence!) and one of cheerleader Claire after she rescued that girl from a fire in her cheerleading outfit. While they're both good ideas, I can't help but feel Hiro's mid-teleportation face is a bit unfortunate; he looks like he's trying desperately to shit his pants, which, if you've been to Times Square, you know is far more common an occurrence than teleporting.
Case 1: Despite the Knight Rider TV movie being incompetent beyond measure in all facets (acting, writing, effects, writing, writing, writing), NBC has gone ahead and ordered an unknown number of TV episodes, starring the same less charismatic, faux-Dane Cook who shrugged his way through the TV movie. I think this is an act of aggression by NBC to its viewers, and frankly, would be willing to talk about countermeasures.
Case 2: I saw the above Knight Rider news in an article at the Hollywood Reporter, where I also saw this, which leads me to believe NBC is both mean and dumb. See, NBC has ordered a show titled Kings, starring Ian McShane. Now get this:
The Michael Green-penned "Kings" is loosely based on the story of King David. It stars Christopher Egan as a pure-hearted young warrior who joins the court of the charismatic and authoritative King Silas (McShane).
I'm no vastly overpaid TV exec, but I'm pretty goddamned sure America is not and has not been looking for a TV show about King David. Who approved this? Who the living hell thinks this will be on for more than two weeks? Why not a show on the wacky adventures of Job, as he tries to deal with family life at the birth of civilization, while God afflicts him with ever curse and tragedy known to man to see when he'll break! Starring Ray Romano as Job! Sigh.
Toy makers are a cowardly, superstitious lot. No, wait—that’s criminals, Toy makers are a sneaky, lazy bunch. If you don’t watch them closely, they’ll try and pull a fast one—and one of their more common tricks is shoving weird, generic characters or vehicles into licensed toy lines, just to pad it out. It especially happened back in the hedonistic ’70s and ‘80s, when toys were just for kids who didn’t know any better (as opposed to well-informed, highly nerdy adult collectors). Topless Robot investigates the 10 most blatantly stupid additions to the toy lines of the past.
There's no better way to start the weekend than watching the A-Team intro, secure in the knowledge that the A-Team movie has been scheduled for the summer of 2009 by Fox, directed by John Singleton. Defamer has a startlingly good cast list, but as long as the team is driving a black van and not some kind of Hummer or bullshit Taurus SUV, I'll be there opening day. Have a great weekend, everybody! Try not to fuck your nieces and nephews!
• Good news! The director of The Incredible Hulk movie says that Bruce Banner transforms into the Hulk within the first three minutes of the movie, as part of the "more action" mandate. He also talks some shit about the design of the Abomination, which isn't interesting, but I did find this goofy:
"We pick him up in the movie when he's in Brazil and he's trying to keep the monsters at bay, literally. Both the monster inside and the army chasing after him to harness his monster — to create a supersoldier. So he uses Brazilian jujitsu and yoga and meditation techniques to keep the monster inside of him. And, also, if someone picks a fight with him, he's using that Brazilian jujitsu because jujitsu and aikido are more elusive martial arts — he's deflecting the blows so he can run away and not get involved."
So Banner knows jiujitsu? Does that means the Hulk knows jiujitsu? You can read the rest of the interview here.
• That Wolverine and the X-Men cartoon where Wolverine, despite being a rugged loner who hates authority, starts leading the damn X-Men? It's going to air in 2009 on Nicktoons, sez USA Today. More importantly, it'll be joined by a new Iron Man cartoon (that's it above), where Tony Stark is a teen, and probably not an alcoholic. I'd be pretty impressed if he was, though.
• Marvel is starting its "Secret Invasion" promotions with mug shots of various Marvel heroes as Skrulls, painted by Greg Horn. And for reasons that are unclear to me, they all look horrible. Like old Marvel Trading Cards from 1991.
There are plenty more here; Hawkeye is in particular terrible.
Comingsoon.net has an exclusive interview with George Lucas, and—while it's not exactly loaded with cool facts about the Clone Wars CG cartoon—it has a few tidbits that are worth me summarizing. For instance:
• The movie will air in August 15, and the show will sometime begin in October.
• Only Anthony Daniels will reprise his voice C-3P0, because he still has nothing better to do.
• The show will be episodic in nature, although there could be two-, three- and even four-parters.
• There will be more getting to know the clones.
• Lucas enjoyed doing the Young Indiana Jones TV series more than any movie.
• Genddy Tartakovsky's Clone Wars cartoon was an "experiment" (that just happened to kick the ass of all three prequel movies).
• Lucas is making 100 episodes of Clone Wars, no matter what the ratings are, whether it's getting aired or not, and everyone who doesn't like it can go fuck themselves (I'm paraphrasing somewhat).
• The live-action Star Wars TV show will now premiere in 2010.
Doesn't Lucas' hair look deflated and sad in that picture? It makes me uncomfortable.
Like most card-carrying nerds, I enjoyed the hell out of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series, and have equally enjoyed the current Season 8 comic from Dark Horse. Now the New York Times has an article about one of the upcoming issues, and if you're curious why the NYT is discussing a comic at about issue #12, well...that's because it has Slayer-on-Slayer action.
Yes, Buffy's experimenting with the Willow side of life, but not with Willow; instead, she's hooked up with fellow Slayer Satsu (Whedon assures the Times that Buffy is not gay, just open-minded); rest assured their is no hardcore action in the comic itself (with stakes or otherwise), just the post-coital awkwardness Buffy usually finds herself in. You can also hear from Whedon on the Buffy/Satsu hook-up in the article here, where he also discusses his history of killing lesbians.
This comes so far out of left field, I honestly have now idea how to feel about this, which is seldom the case when I think about lesbianism. Am I impressed at its open-mindedness? Betrayed at its gratuitousness? Aroused at the lesbian-ness? Damn you, Whedon!
Alternate title: Whizzy wham wham wozzle!
Fox has applied for a trademark for Slurm, better known as the carbonated beverage of choice in the year 3000, as per Futurama. It is indeed secreted from a giant space slug's keister, but it's highly addictive, so that's okay. Gizmodo says the trademark covers:
...carbonated and non-carbonated soft drinks; fruit drinks; fruit juices; mineral and aerated water; bottled drinking water; energy drinks; syrups and powders for making soft drinks and other beverages, namely soft drinks, fruit drinks and tea; coffee-flavored soft drinks; Ramune (Japanese soda pops); powders used in the preparation of isotonic sports drinks and sports beverages.
I have no doubt this will be less an affront to my tastes buds than a soy sauce-flavored Kit Kat.
It’s no secret that the key to the success of many episodic ‘80s TV series was the wheels. Whether it was series that were based entirely around a cool car (Knight Rider, The Dukes of Hazzard) or those that featured a vehicle prominently as eye candy (think Magnum’s Ferrari 308 GTS, the A-Team’s van and Sonny Crockett’s white Testarossa), a flashy ride was an easy way to hook viewers in the days when cable TV was just for rich people. Of course, the networks started to go bananas with the whole “car as a show” concept when choppers, cycles and at least one bizarre big rig entered the fray. Sadly, few of these shows even lasted a full season, and only a couple sputtered beyond those crucial first 22 episodes. So with Memory Lane a-callin’, we’ve gassed up the tanks of the 10 most kickass forgotten road-hogs. Grab your license and your favorite C-list celebrity, and we’re off!
Just a reminder. Since I'm sure you needed a reason to watch Lost, especially since tonight's episode is supposed to follow Sayid and Desmond on the helicopter. The Iron Man image is from the upcoming Sega video game, by the way, but I liked it, so there you go.
It's a phenomenon that occurs more frequently than I'd like. While flipping through channels at my usual supersonic clip, all of a sudden my fingers become paralyzed and for some odd reason I find myself totally incapable of moving on to the next station. My every instinct tells me what I'm watching is shameful and wrong, but with each passing second I only become more transfixed.
None of them are ever shows I'd go out of my way to watch, but each one instantly sinks its teeth into me like I'm Samuel L. in Deep Blue Sea. Below are the five most frequent offenders.
I'm told this is an awesome preview of Season 4 of Battlestar Galactica, and that there are spoilers. Since I've not seen a minute of the show, I have no idea, personally. This also renders me unable to make fun of the show, other than my vague belief that all the characters in the show are actually Cylons. Let's move on, shall we?
While the writers strike has finally ended (like Jim Belushi’s career), networks have already filled their immediate schedules with reality shows faster than they fill their pockets with internet revenues. Despite most shows getting back on track before the end of the year, there are unfortunately a plethora of new, shitty reality series that will help pad out the broadcast day until decent television returns. Topless Robot offers a sneak peak at some new reality shows you’ll be seeing this summer and fall.
It's been so long since Medicom's Kubrick line got an awesome license that I'd sort of forgotten about 'em. Now I remember:
These little guys are so awesome they speak for themselves, but it's worth noting that 1) they'll be released in Japan in August (and have the hell imported out of 'em) and 2) look how mad Charlie is! Is that because he's dead? Because boring Claire got shafted? Because he didn't come with a heroin-filled Virgin Mary statue? Like so many things in Lost, it's a mystery.
Medicom will also release this 12-inch Real Action Hero of Jack in the same month, but I'm not nearly as excited about him.
(Via Pop Candy Blog)
I suppose if you're the type to not mind that this footage of the X-Files 2 movie teaser trailer is from some dude's camcorder at a Wondercon panel, then you also probably won't mind that the trailer is also mostly of a disheveled Billy Connolly (okay, more than usual) playing in the snow with absolutely zero information about the story.
When I was young, I used to idolize He-Man. Now that's I'm older, I idolize a new cartoon character, namely Drinky Crow, star of Tony Millionaire's Maakies comics, which are focused mostly on alcohol, alcohol abuse and the everyday horror of living. Last March, Adult Swim aired a pilot based on the cartoon, titled The Drinky Crow Show, which looked a little something like this:
And now, according to ICV2, Adult Swim has ordered 10 more episodes a mere 11 months after the pilot first aired. I'd say this calls for a toast, but I'm drinking alone tonight.
Diamond Select has made toys and collectibles for a ton of properties over the years, but a great deal of what they showed at the Fair were the toys that make sci-fi nerds get up in the morning. Seriously. First it's their new line of old-school Mego-style Star Trek figures, with cloth outfits and all-new figures like KAAAAAHHHN:
The regular action figures of the Star Trek TV series and movie crews include the Amok Time Kirk n' Spock two-pack, some Deep Space 9 figures, and some Borgs:
They had plenty of Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis figures, too, but since I've avoided all knowledge of Stargate over the years, I'm giving you pics of their new Battelstar Galactica figures instead. June's Wave 2 will include Starbuck, Kat and a Cylon Centurion, and Wave 3 includes Husker, Kendra, Gina and an old-school Cylon, due later in 2008:
Amok Time has been a swell toy retailer for as long as I can remember, but just a little while ago, they decided to start actually producing figures. I don't understand where they get off getting so many decent (alhtough weird) licenses and having the toys look so good. For instance, I'm no classic Battlestar Galactica fan, but Amok's 12-inch figures looks incredible. I am dead certain the figures are wearing higher quality clothes than I am (admittedly, my Tweety Bird as a Gangsta T-shirt I got at Wal-Mart is pretty ragged by now). It's kind of unreal.
Apollo, Starbuck and Adama are out now and the rest will be available later on through the year.
There are few things that delight the worker monkeys of Topless Robot like a titillating season of Lost. And this season is turning out to be quite awesome. In the past three episodes, we’ve already learned that six passengers from the crashed Oceanic Airlines flight 815 are rescued and brought back home, and dubbed the “Oceanic 6.” This includes killer Kate, alcoholic doc Jack, crazy fat Hurley and torturer-turned-hitman Sayid have all made it back to the U.S. (as well as spectacularly evil douchebag but non-Oceanic passenger Ben).
That leaves two more, and we can’t stand not knowing…so we decides to come up with the answers ourselves. Here are our top 10 candidates (and their odds) to get off the island, and become the final two members of the Oceanic 6.
Mezco had some really nice Hellboy 2 movie toys, The Warriors and more, but c’mon—I know you’re mostly interested in the Heroes toys. S’cool. I can’t blame you. Especially since they look pretty damned good. So here’s wave 2, beginning with Horn-Rimmed Glasses dude and Parkman with plot anchor Molly accessory…
Then Malcolm MacDowell as Linderman, the beautiful but intensely dumb Niki/Jessica, and finally Future Peter with extra emo.
Is it weird that I’m most excited about a Malcolm MacDowell figure? Also, does anyone else want Niki/Jessica to just die whenever she comes on screen?
You may have noticed that wave 2 or Heroes looks better than wave 1, and you’ll see that wave 3 is better than wave 2. It’s got Hiro in samurai gear (so you can recreate his interminable absence from the main storyline), Nathan Petrelli (which could also make a swell Profit figure), and the Haitian in a sensible jacket…
Then Kristen Bell as Elle and Alias’ Sark as Adam Munroe.
I repeat: KRISTEN BELL
If Sagat's impossibly toned butt doesn't strike your fancy, I'm today's Fan Fiction will. It's an epic tale of Buffy, that indomitable vampire slayer, and her cute-as-a-button sister Dawn, and more specifically, about Buffy prostituting Dawn against her will. I'm not going to lie; this story is a pretty challenging read, but that's because author TinkerBell is such an artist. Honestly, I feel "TeenHook" is more of a tone poem than a short story, per se. For instance, it's made up entirely of stanzas like this:
By Zac Bertschy
By Brian Heiler
By K.J. DeVault
