1989—Nintendo releases Kid Icarus, which is awesome.
1990-2007—Nothing.
2008, Yesterday—IGN's Matt Casamassina says he's "really looking forward to Kid Icarus Wii" on an IGN podcast.
So it's one of two things: 1) Casamassina knows the game is coming out and accidentally forgot it hadn't been announced yet, or 2) like every other gamer on the planet, Casamassina assumes Kid Icarus is coming out for the Wii, because Pit was in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and why the hell would he be included if he wasn't going to appear in a new game, and also Kid Icarus would be perfect for the Wii with all of its arrow firing, and mostly because we all want it so bad.
I'm not sure which is the truth, but I've decided to post this story assuming it is happening, so if it isn't, maybe Nintendo feels stupid and decides to make it anyway. I'm not sure why I'm so excited, actually; although I loved the game as a kid, I downloaded it on the Virtual Console and I could not suck more at it.
SOTA sent me some pictures of its new Sagat Street Fighter II statue, it's 12-inches tall and $120 and due in September and god help me, I can't stop STARING AT HIS MAGNIFICENT ASS
Since the Halo movie has long since had a sticky bomb attached to its head, and now lies lifeless and skull-less on the floor of Hollywood (metaphorically speaking), it's time to move on and pin all our hopes on a new videogame movie—Bioshock. Pirates of the Caribbean director Gore Verbinksi has announced he'll be making the artsy-farsty first-person shooter into a movie, and Variety says the deal was structured to make sure the movie happens (unlike Halo).
"Bioshock" takes place in an underwater city based on the free market principles of Ayn Rand, but things have gone disastrously wrong. Players control a pilot who crash-lands at a secret entrance to the city, called Rapture, and is drawn into a power struggle during which he discovers that his will is not as free as he'd thought.
"I think the whole utopia-gone-wrong story that's cleverly unveiled to players is just brimming with cinematic potential," said Verbinski. "Of all the games I've played, this is one that I felt has a really strong narrative."
...
Verbinski noted that Rapture's art deco design and visually arresting characters, such as the mechanical Big Daddys who protect genetically mutated girls called Little Sisters, particularly inspired him to see the game as a film.
That's a video of the Bioshock game above, if you're interested; I do wonder if Hollywood would allows a movie where the protagonist has to repeatedly shoot little girls (evil ones, but still).
Just a reminder. Remember how everyone in Hollywood was fellating each other in joy over the news that Iron Man made $100 million domestic and $200 worldwide over its first weekend, as it broke several records and signified a stronger box office after a weak first quarter in 2008? Yeah, Grand Theft Auto IVmade $500 million in its first week. That's more money than the entire GNP of several African nations, incidentally. I'm not sure, but I think if we run over the stockholders of GTA publisher Take Two with our cars, we can get our money back, too.
Oh, but I kid Mirror's Edge, the upcoming EA PS3 and Xbox 360 game that has folks in a tizzy. What's the big deal? Well, it's either the fact that you can run up, down, across and over just about anything in the huge city-scape, like some kind of ninja parkour master, or it's the fact that for the first time ever, a character in a first-person shooter has legs and feet. It's definitely one of the two.
The amazing Gia pointed out this video clip at her blog, which I immediately had to steal for my own. See, in Japan there's a fighting game engine called M.U.G.E.N., which allows people to create their own characters. Someone created food spokepeople Ronald McDonald (named Donald, because why not?) and Col. Sanders, master of the 7-herbs-and-spices fighting style and, in this video, teamed them up to basically beat the living shit out of various anime and videogame characters.
If you've ever wanted to see an old man beat someone up with a giant friend chicken leg, then this is the video for you.
• Some Splatterhouse screens have hit the web, and I'll be damned if you aren't still hitting monsters in the face with a large 2x4. It's hard to fuck that up. More here. (Via Destructoid)
• Legendarily awesome SNES RPG Earthbound has been ESRB rated for the Wii, most likely as part of the Virtual Console. Many RPG fans reach orgasm whenever Earthbound is mentioned, mostly because of it's fantastic, tongue-in-cheek storyline and gameplay, which I've never experience. You're welcome to see the joyous wankery in the comments section here. (Via Kotaku)
• A new Metal Gear Solid 4 trailer was released, which is noteworthy for have old Snake—er, previous Snake—wandered around a fog-filled, strangely empty Shadow Moses from the first Metal Gear Solid game. Then old Snake—er, elderly Snake—woke up and remembered he was in MGS4. God only knows what the hell it all means. (Via GameTrailers)
Don't get too excited, fan boys. This is Time's reader-selected Most Influential Person of the Year, which is not nearly so...uh...worried about how much influence that person has had in the past year. I mean, I love Mario creator Shiggy as much as the next videogame obsessed nerd, but the Wii is more than a year old, and while fun and cool, didn't exactly revolutionize the world. Second place is Korean pop star Rain, who, other than getting like 6th billing in the upcoming Speed Racer movie, has done nothing that I know of; and third place is Stephen Colbert, whose biggest influence is mainly on Wikipedia, by ordering his minions to fuck around with it. For some perspective, it's probably worth noting that utterly inconsequential actress Mia Farrow (!) clocks in at #137 , while the Dalai Lama is #207. But still, congratulations, Miyamoto-san. Now make that goddamn Kid Icarus sequel.
My bad. But after seeing the bizarre Lovecraftian nightmares play through "Sweet Emotion" in the above Guitar Hero: Aerosmith game trailer, can you blame me? The cartoon versions of Steven Tyler and crew are slightly better, mostly because they all die in a horrible van accident in the first quarter of the video.
The line of products kind of hurts my head a little, but it's true—there will be a short, 4-minute CG Lego Indiana Jones cartoon on May 10th, airing at 9 p.m. on Cartoon Network. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull star Shia The Beef will host it (can you really host a 4-minute cartoon?), which will be titled Raiders of the Lost Brick. Astute nerds will remember that CN and Lego did the same thing for Lego Star Wars with a Revenge of the Brick cartoon a few years ago. Oh, that video is a trailer for the game, not the cartoon. Although they'll look exactly alike.
A batch of new screenshots for the upcoming Ghostbusters game have been released, and rather than tell you were to see them, I decided to post the above video interview which ends up running them as a nice slideshow. There's also some good news in there, although it comes close to the end: all the original 'busters will voice their videogame counterparts, including Bill Murray; Zuul will use pieces of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man to make marshmallow dogs; and best of all, original Ghostbusters nemesis William Atherton will repirse his dickless role. Yay! Oh, and Kotaku says Wii owners will be able to hook up a Nintendo DS to the Wii game as a PKE Meter. I can't believe this game sounds as good as it does.
Street Fighter II has a lot to answer for. Sure, it founded an entire subculture of videogames and offered a nicely complex tournament fighter that holds up even today. But it also relied on the most basic of international prejudices, from its South American beast-man to its stoic Japanese warrior, ensuring that each and every fighting game to follow would paint its cast with similarly broad strokes.
Not that we’re really offended or anything. Fighting games are all about visual impact and overbearing style, and their lack of any coherent story (no, Soul Calibur doesn’t count) makes it easy to laugh at the misguided caricatures they present. So let’s just point out the most ridiculously stereotyped characters in fighting-game history.
Okay, the idea is more about video game instructional nudity than straight-up porn, but I couldn't resist the title. If you're mildly interesting in naked ladies, you've probably at least heard of Carmen Electra's pole-dancing kit. It's made by Peekaboo, who has gotten everyone in a tizzy by announcing that they want to make a Carmen Electra-branded pole-dancing game for the Nintendo Wii. Despite the fact that Nintendo has never allowed anything like this for any of their consoles ever, both boobie-craving boys and the media have gone apeshit over the idea.
It's the boys that crack me up, though. Are they really going to buy a pole-dancing game to see Carmen Electra's digital breasts? Don't they realize that they'd have to, you know, play the damn game to see them? If you aren't laughing at the idea of horny boys trying to dance like a stripper to see some boobs, you might be dead.
I'm ever so glad someone uploaded this moment of genius from last week's 30 Rock in which the uncanny valley is explained as the reason why no one can properly combine video games and pornography. My only regret is that I've already missed 30 years not asking people to "tell it to me in Star Wars" in every possible situation. I'll be rectifying this immediately. (Via Kotaku)
...and the big press embargo lifted yesterday, meaning there's tons of GTA4 reviews and movies and nonsense and shenanigans now available all over the World Wide Tubes. I was trying to decide which of GameTrailers' many videos to show—the lapdance "gameplay" was both sad and funny, while the "Choice Cuts" montage involved a great deal of shooting random women—so I ended up with this chase sequence. It allows me to say two good things, namely 1) the location-based car damage is gorgeous, and 2) the city is absolutely amazing; hell, the bridge is phenomenal.
You know what's crazy? GTA4 is rated "M" for Mature, which allows you to shoot women, run over pedestrians, shoot cops, go on killing sprees, all the regular ultraviolence. And yet the only difference between an "M" and an "AO" for Adults Only is the fact the virtual strippers have their nipples covered. That's the line. Digital nipples.
It's Friday, and while Beer o' Clock might still be a few hours away, I'm officially declaring it Ridiculous Video Game Violence o' Clock, thanks to this video of every single Mortal Kombat fatality move in rapid succession. And I repeat, dear makers of Mortal Kombat vs. DC, that the only way your game won't suck is if I have the ability to rip Wonder Woman's skin off in one pull. (Via Gorilla Mask)
Sorry to switch the weekly geek apparel up on you, but these things were just too grand not post. Every wanted to wear something incredibly nerdy, but not have women shrink from you in repulsion because you're wearing an armpit-stained Punisher skull t-shirt? Ever wanted to own something wearable that was as classy as it was nerdy? Cufflinks.com (also—holy shit, there's a Cufflinks.com) offers these sterling silver, uh...cufflinks, featuring the Wii-mote and the nunchuk. They do cost a substantial $150, but when you read the text on the ordering page...
For those times that you are away from your beloved gaming system, at least you can pretend to pretend to be fighting your evil nemesis, Gargamel.
...you know they need the money for more drugs. (Via the intriguingly named Tasty Booze)
I was going to post the leaked GTA4 intro trailer, but it disappeared before I could even embed the damn thing. So second place winners get the trailer for Square Enix's Nintendo DS game The World Ends With You, which—despite coming from Square Enix—is not a Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts game. Crazy, right? The game supposedly has you fighting on both screens at once, and as you can see in the video, the battles can get a little...uh...let's just say busy. Still, I think it's worth picking up just to reward ol' Squeenix for remembering they're allowed to release an original concept once in a while.
• 1UP sezSplatterhouse is coming back! The masked killer will be on the cover of the next EGM magazine; although no details ahave been released, I thought you'd like this video of the gameplay. I hope to god it comes out for the Wii, because if the Wii-mote isn't made to let me simulate bludgeoning someone to death with a 2x4 with nails in it, then it's not made for anything.
• Coincidentally, Earthworm Jim is coming back as well, according to creator Douglas TenNapel (via Kotaku). That includes a new game (Earthworm Jim 4), a new cartoon series (really?) and a movie (probably not).
• Remember how I wondered how the Mortal Kombat Vs DC game could possibly justify Superman hitting any of the MK jackasses and not having them explode in a fine red paste? MK creator Ed Boon has an answer: "Magic!" Seriously. Thanks for clearing that up, Ed.
Yes, that insane announcement from last week is all true; the savagely retarded fighters of Mortal Kombat will tussle with the often near-omnipotent heroes of the DC Universe. In the above clip, Sub-Zero trades punches with Batman, and it seems all right, possibly because of Batman's large experience with fighting ice-based people. But just imagine Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, Hawkman in Batman's place, and it's just goes straight to the goofy hell.
I have one suggestion on how to save this—just own the goofiness, and have DC-related fatalities. If I could play as Wonder Woman, wrap my lasso around Scorpion's neck, and pull his head and spinal column out? Well, that'd be a game worth playing.
Videogames come and videogames go, but nothing will ever hold sway over an entire generation like the good ol’ Nintendo Entertainment System. Some estimate that 800 NES games were released for the system from 1985 to 1995; far too many for us to process. If you had a normal childhood, you invariably missed a lot of good NES games, unless you were that hopelessly spoiled kid who owned every single release and had Super Mario Bros. 3 imported from Japan a year before everyone else got it. Then he charged his friends a quarter per life to play it, the little shit. No one liked that kid.
Yet today, each of us can be that kid. The vast majority of NES cartridges are dirt cheap on eBay, and emulators allow to us to play just about anything from the Ninja Gaiden trilogy to cult hits like Crystalis and River City Ransom. Perhaps now’s the time to make it up to the games we ignored because they didn’t have pretty box art or prominent advertising or Vanilla Ice tie-ins. Here at Topless Robot, we’re starting with these.
There's a trailer for a new Spider-man video game out today called Web of Shadows, but it's goofy and boring and shows no gameplay whatsoever, which is fine because I'd rather show this Lego batman clip instead:
Yes, it's the same old Lego gameplay, but if you watch closely, you'll see that the Riddler can beat a man with his cane so savagely that his little yellow head comes off. I don't think it's possible to love this game any more than I currently do.
Oh man. Remember how awesome all those Capcom Street Fighter vs. Marvel Superheroes video games were back in the late '90s? Well, Midway and DC have been paying attention, and now—a mere 13 years later—they've announced the next Mortal Kombat game, which is—I am shitting you not—Mortal Kombat vs. DC.
Oh yes. We're talking Sub-Zero, Raiden and Goro fighting against Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman. Besides the fact that Mortal Kombat has sucked out loud since 2000, think about this:
• There's a rumor going around that the game will not have blood or fatalities, which I'm prepared to accept as 100% true. There's no fucking way DC is going to let Scorpion rip out Wonder Woman's spine.
• If the Mortal Kombat guys can't perform fatalities, Mortal Kombat is literally the shittiest fighting game ever. Ever. It's like watching baseball without beer (Homer Simpson: "Wait a minute...this game sucks!")
Additionally, I have a theory I'd like to share with you guys. Think about this: in this game, Superman is going to be fighting, say, Kano, and Superman could possibly lose. Sounds ridiculous, right? Now think about those Capcom games, where the Hulk would punch Chun Li and Chun Li wouldn't explode in a fine red mist. While it might not be comics-accurate, it did work for the game. I'm not exactly sure why, but with the Marvel heroes, you could kind of accept the equalization of the field.
Now, maybe we can do that with DC heroes like Wonder Woman and Green Lantern, and obviously Batman is no problem. But Superman? You can't do it. He's Superman. He can move the goddamn moon. There's just no way the nerd mind can justify a loss to any of Mortal Kombat's roster of jackasses, and likely most of the DC heroes too. I don't think you can have Superman in a fighting game, period, because of this same problem. But I don't think the problem will be any more glaring than it will be in MK vs DC.
If you want more proof that Grand Theft Auto 4 is the biggest entertainment thing ever, you could have worse proof than the news that British comedian/movie star Ricky Gervais performed an exclusive three minutes of stand-up comedy for the game. He was even motion captured for the performance, although he says his game version looks a bit "tougher." Now think about this—at three minutes, there can only be like one GTA mission in a comedy club which will use the material, and surely most of it will be drowned out by gunfire and screaming when you kill whoever the hell you have to kill (maybe Gervais. Who knows?). So really, a top-tier comedian wasn't necessary. Also, Ricky Gervais is currently doing pretty well for himself, and it can't be cheap to get him to write exclusive material, perform it, and get him into a lycra outfit. For my money, this is far bigger than some normal celebrity voice over. (Via Kotaku)
I've run the above video for two reasons: 1) to remind you that Mario Kart is coming out for the Wii in 10 days, and 2) to point out something I didn't quite realize before—I mean, I knew you could drive as your Mii in the game, but I had no idea how much that amped up the already potent dickery in the game. There's something about having a smug-faced Mii as your opponent that makes a red turtle shell to the tail pipe even more infuriating. I wasn't racing against the dude in the video, and I don't even know who he was, but I wanted to punch him in the face. This game is going to ruin friendships forever, and it's going to be awesome.
Remember how EA was trying to buy Grand Theft Auto publisher Take two a couple of months ago, and both Take Two and its shareholders separately told EA to fuck off? That was apparently a good move. Variety says that Grand Theft Auto 4 is on track to gross $400 million upon its release, which is as much as the top-grossing movie debut of all time, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, which grossed $404 million its first day. This also whups Halo 3's $300 million.
I'm sure all you good nerds have heard how the vide games industry has eclipsed the movie industry in terms of money-making, but HOLY SHIT $400 MILLION IN A DAY. I imagine EA is crying bitterly today, while the guys and gals of Take Two are grinning broadly and shooting the bird at whatever direction they think the EA main office building is in. Good for them.
Whether you give a shit about anime in general or anime video games in specific—and I'm betting many of you do not—I highly recommend you watch the above video, because it is outstanding.Thanks to this trailer, I'm ready to call this trailer for the PS3's Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Storm the best anime video game of all time, because it seriously looks like you're playing the cartoon (maybe slightly better), although I feel like a douchebag for typing it (and the lighting is absolutely amazing). It's enough to make on forget that one episode of Naruto is centered almost entirely on him peeing on people.
http://view.break.com/487616 - Watch more free videos
Still, I anticipate far more masturbation to cartoon characters in his future than regular intercourse with a woman. But maybe I'm wrong.
No, seriously—after the little CG movie footage we've already seen, it's about 18 seconds of genuine action, as Vader fights Mitsurugi and Yoda reveals himself to be a totally cheap bastard with an air-juggle that probably belongs in Tekken. Thankfully, Astaroth is there to swat the green bastard with his axe. Enjoy!
...but I would be a bad nerd if I didn't pass along the new rumor that director John Woo will be announcing a Metroid movie at this weekend's New York Comic Con. The rumor comes from the Swedish gaming mag/site Games Reactor, which I have no idea of the respectability of. Suffice to say that if Woo hadn't bought the rights to a Metroid movie back in 2004, I'd have dismissed this totally. Anyways, it'll give you something to be excited about for the week until your hopes are crushed this weekend. (Via Albotas)
Have you heard of WiiWare? It's like a second Virtual Console on your Wii, except of downloading old, often terrible games, you can download new, fantastic ones. Seriously, every trailer I've seen for a WiiWare game has been bizarre and great. The most baffling one is World of Goo:
I have no idea what's going on, how you play or what you're supposed to do, but I'm intrigued, which is more than I can say for anything that's come out so far for the PS3. If the mysterious goo isn't doing it for you, you're welcome to check out the Strongbad game (do people still watch Strongbad? Is that what you kids are into?) and the Major League Eating game, which including licensed eaters like Kobayashi and bazooka barfing.
Yeah, the video is short, but seeing all the armors you can wear in the Iron Man video game is pure nerd joy. It kind of sucks that you can't have both the Silver Centurion and the Ultimates armors in the same console, though.
...and to wrap up today's weirdness, I present this naughty little gem from sometime TR contributor and -third-cousin-twice-removed-blog writer Chris Ward (i.e., he's word-jockey-ing for Joystick Division, a videogame blog for fellow VVM alt-paper City Pages).
Yes, Hustler magazine paid some trollop to wear a terrible Ms. Pac-Man costume and show off her lady bits; this is sad enough, but to do it to make fun of Debbie Gibson's Playboy appearance makes it much sadder. As Ward notes:
At any rate, consider this: Somewhere in the USA, at some point in time, a leggy skank and her overweight camera crew rented a bedbuggy hotel room and snuck a GIANT MS. PAC-MAN HEAD through the lobby and/or up the freshly vomited-upon stairs.
Somewhere, at some point, some guy was ordered to spend weeks in his workshop creating an incredibly detailed, pretty sweet Ms. Pac-Man costume, only to have some lady get her dirty meat flaps all over it. And then have some low-paid, hack writer make a joke about "grabbing your joystick" and "rolls of quarters in your pocker." Territory that's been pretty well covered, thank you very much.
There's truly nothing that Ward can't make more depraved. Now I'm off to have a stiff drink and a long shower.
Leave it to Japan to re-writer history as an excuse to see large-breasted anime girls pawing at each other. No, seriously—let Japan do it, because it's really weird and awkward.
IGN reports the existence of Moe Moe World War II, which is essentially a WWII strategy game where the combatants are portrayed as scantily clad gals in bathing suits (and yes, the Nazis have swastikas on their trunks); to be more specific, each unit is represented a well-armed, well-endowed girl, so battles involve 1-20 ladies, not thousands. Here's one of the game's screenshots, which I believe represents when the Russians successfully counter-attacked the Germans in the second battle of Kharkov:
...represented by the Russian chick pulling the swimsuit off of a German chick. Ha ha! Based on a PC game, Moe Moe World War II will be released this fall for PS2 and PSP, and be so only available in Japan it's not funny.
I won't criticize General Petraeus for indulging in a bit of Wii-waggling instead of, you know, fighting the war in Iraq, as I figure his job is stressful enough that he certainly deserves a break now and then (although Deadspin, who provided the picture, says he quadruple-bogeyed the hole! Yikes). But I'll totally criticize his for playing Wii Sports' golf. C'mon, Petraeus! Golf sucks! Tennis and bowling are where it's at!
This video of the differences between the different Star Wars: The Force Unleashed console has been making the nerd rounds this weekend, and far be it from me to miss out (unless you count posting it several days later as "missing out"). Each version has something unique about it, which is cool, whether it be the PSP's classic Star Wars missions or the Wii's outrageously awesome lightsaber controls. But of course, the real highlight is seeing all the horrible things you can do to Stormtroopers using the force, which includes throwing them into a TIE fighter so hard the TIE Fighter breaks. I admit I'm looking forward to this game.
The goodness continues! Gamespot reports that the long-rumored Wii port of the new Sam & Max point-n'-click PC game will indeed be coming this fall, with the entirety of the chapters that make up Season 1. Again, if you don't know why this is good news, I refer you to the above clip which is in Season 1, episode 4, titled simply "Abe Lincoln Must Die."
When something’s been around so long that it’s an institution, you tend to accept it at face value. You know, like religion. But sometimes if you really stop and think about things like that, you’ll find that the stuff that’s just second nature to you actually doesn’t make any sense (you know, like religion). Video games are full of this kind of thing; does Link from Legend of Zelda actually have three hearts in his body? Does he steal the hearts from his vanquished foes to replenish his own supply? Do people leave hearts lying around in tall grass? How can people be so cavalier with their friggin’ hearts?!?
But by far, the video game with the most befuddling features is the most well-known video game in the world—Super Mario Bros. We’ve been playing it for so long and it’s been ripped off so many times that it never seems weird to us, but if you actually stop and think about the game, it’s a more bizarre acid trip than Naked Lunch. So here are the eight things in SMB that don’t make any sense if you really stop and think about them. Beware—you may never play the game the same way again.
It's been 30 years since aliens from space invaded Earth, and conquered the planet with their incredible battle plan of speeding up as they descended. Now, Taito is celebrating our alien overlords with these two fine home goods.
The pillows will set you back $30 each, while the towels ar $20; both are available from Shopncsx.com. (Via A Geek Spot)
By Todd Ciolek
Okay, the idea is more about video game instructional nudity than straight-up porn, but I couldn't resist the title. If you're mildly interesting in naked ladies, you've probably at least heard of Carmen Electra's 
By Todd Ciolek
By Jackson Alpern
