At 90 years old (91 this Monday), our favorite portrayer of characters named "Count D______" is still pretty much the exact opposite of all the guys 20 years his junior who are always asking those damn kids to turn down that racket. See, metal is the secret to eternal youth - how else to explain that Lemmy Kilmister still has a functioning liver, or how the still-working Slash looks the same age as he used to while semi-recluse Axl Rose gets bigger?

Even more metal? Lee's third album as hard rock hero is a concept piece about the emperor Charlemagne...from whom the original Hammer man claims direct lineage! Are you going to argue with him?

The featurette after the jump is nearly 9 minutes. But you'll thank yourself for putting them aside.

Stop me if you've heard this one. An aging rock frontman walks into a Japanese bath house (I think that's what it is, anyway), takes off all his clothes except a sumo diaper, then pulls out a gun...

There is no punchline. This is a short film that exists because David Lee Roth wrote and stars in it.

Can't wait for the American remake with Sammy Hagar, and the direct-to-DVD sequel with Gary Cherone.

Seriously, Roth's really hoping Tarantino sees this, right? Or is it a commercial for the oddly fetishized brand of strawberry milk at the end?

Watch after the jump and you decide.

Were the various patent rulings of the early aughts stating that Lego couldn't trademark the shape of its bricks a blessing, or a curse? On the one hand, competition in the marketplace theoretically makes for a better product. On the other, Lego was always doing just fine thank you, and none of its imitators has ever quite managed to be as reliable in construction, though they can all stab your bare feet with equal vigor.

You probably think I'm exaggerating. Ehh, you've seen worse, right? NECA's Die Hard figure wasn't great. Is this 8" figure so terrible? Like, it has a well and everything.

It costs seventy-five dollars. Also it's soft vinyl and has only two points of articulation. For that, I expect to at least be able to see the one creepy-as-fuck upside-down eyeball that's key to her dominating way more scary dreams than her U.S. counterpart Samara. Or to actually kill my enemies in seven days. (I suppose I could try to convince them to swallow her and they might choke...)

NECA actually sculpted a Samara figure years ago, but were never able to clear all the legal hurdles to releasing it. A prototype is on display in their studio and was recently caught on camera by Figures.com (warning: clicking over may make you weep for cool toy you will never have).

Is soft vinyl Sadako better than none at all? My hope here is that maybe the license is now loosening up and someone else can do something better with it.

Before I die...I want to see that thing.

Favs kinda has a thing for guys in hi-tech armor, doesn't he?

The game involves creating a character, interacting with other players in FPS scenarios, and a storyline about a fallen Earth-based intergalactic society that must be reclaimed.

The trailer, however, like trailers for so many games, is a tad more cryptic than that. It looks like Giancarlo Esposito is remembering the time he mixed up Halo and John Carter in his head. Not that there's anything wrong with that, as space Seinfeld might or might not say after riffing on the quality of shuttle-served peanuts for 30 minutes.

Watch it after the jump. No actual Seinfeld humor in it, I promise. Not that there's...okay I shut up now.

Irish makeup artist Julian Checkley may or may not be able to act - though he can most definitely gesture threateningly - but he wears that Sith Lord outfit like a nightmare come to life. Also, he built the entire get-up from scratch over six weeks. Yeah, the character is basically Vader without most of the helmet and sporting yellow and red "Sith eyes," and his name sounds awfully like some dude named "Gus" decided to call himself "Darth Maul" and screwed it up, but hey, Julian didn't create the guy - he just recreated him spectacularly.

Now witness the time-lapse of Julian transforming from civilian duds into a fully armed and operational battle Sith. It is your density.

The Dutch equivalent of "like molasses in January" is "als een slak op een teerton," or "like a snail on a tar-barrel." In As You Like It Shakespeare describes "...the whining schoolboy...Creeping like snail/Unwillingly to school." And of course, with the advent of email the conventional posting of letters became known as "snail mail."

All of which is to say that snails are slow, both proverbially and in fact. Thus the little creatures just aren't a natural fit with the hyperactive, quick-cut, short-attention-span idiom of contemporary pop culture.

Yet it's shaping up to be a higher-profile-than-average year for gastropods. The animated fantasy Epic, opening this weekend, features a comic-relief snail and a slug. And slated for July is Turbo, another animated feature, this one about a snail with racing ambitions. Then there's this distressing development.

Here are 13 other notable snails:

13. The Doorkeeper Snail in Pinocchio

"Snails are never in a hurry," says this domestic of the Blue Fairy in Collodi's classic children's novel. She makes an exception in Pinocchio's case: it only takes her nine hours, while he waits outside in the rain and cold, to come down four flights and let him into the house. When he asks for something to eat, it's only a few more hours before she returns with a tray for him.

Apparently she was too slow to make it into Disney's 1940 film version; however there's a charming statue of her in The Pinocchio Park (Parco di Pinocchio), a tourist attraction in Tuscany.

It's about damn time somebody figured out this was a good idea.

I'm fond of The Simpsons ride at Universal Hollywood, and the way the ride queue is structured like you're in the terribly run depths of Krustyland. But then outside they have "Moe's," and it's just a gift shop. Adding insult to injury, the "Duff" they serve inside is an energy drink, the makers of which can eat my shorts.

But an actual Moe's Tavern, with Duff Beer brewed exclusively for the park? Lard Lad donuts? Krusty Burger? Okay, yeah, admittedly, to properly duplicate the show, Krusty Burgers would have to be terrible. And there probably won't be Flaming Moes made with cough syrup, but Universal's flavorsmiths need to figure out some way to duplicate the infernally medicated beverage.

Other attractions will include a new Kang and Kodos ride and a Bumblebee Man taco stand. And the gift stores had best not run out of "Bort" license plates.

So, can we say "Best Idea Ever"? Or will a simple "Woohoo!" suffice?

I guess this is an Urban Outfitters ad, even though it doesn't really promote the product in any way. Nothing gets your message out like the "comedy" stylings of an Alien-American prone to rambling and spending millions of dollars on a movie that's half out of focus (seriously, if you're not familiar with The Room, take the time to watch this two-and-a-half minute edit which sums it up very well).

I can only assume he did not write the script for this, as some of the jokes are self-parody, which requires self-awareness, which almost nobody believes Wiseau actually has (except for those who think he's mob-connected; his refusal to ever answer any question about his background with a direct answer is part of the appeal).

Not everyone finds the humor in this, but my holiday weekend is already happier for having seen it. View after the jump.

Rapture-palooza is basically a comedic take on the Left Behind books and movies - Anna Kendrick is one of the unfortunates who doesn't disappear up to Heaven, and to add insult to injury, Satan (Craig Robinson) moves in next door.

I hadn't given it much thought until today, probably because that poster's kinda terrible - when Machinima released a clip of foul-mouthed crows swearing at Kendrick from a parking lot. Because you just know that if you had Dr. Dolittle's powers of translation, that's exactly what they'd turn out to be doing. No Brandon Lee soul-reviving shtick here; crows are assholes. And these ones are proud of it.