The Dutch equivalent of "like molasses in January" is "als een slak op een teerton," or "like a snail on a tar-barrel." In As You Like It Shakespeare describes "...the whining schoolboy...Creeping like snail/Unwillingly to school." And of course, with the advent of email the conventional posting of letters became known as "snail mail."

All of which is to say that snails are slow, both proverbially and in fact. Thus the little creatures just aren't a natural fit with the hyperactive, quick-cut, short-attention-span idiom of contemporary pop culture.

Yet it's shaping up to be a higher-profile-than-average year for gastropods. The animated fantasy Epic, opening this weekend, features a comic-relief snail and a slug. And slated for July is Turbo, another animated feature, this one about a snail with racing ambitions. Then there's this distressing development.

Here are 13 other notable snails:

13. The Doorkeeper Snail in Pinocchio

"Snails are never in a hurry," says this domestic of the Blue Fairy in Collodi's classic children's novel. She makes an exception in Pinocchio's case: it only takes her nine hours, while he waits outside in the rain and cold, to come down four flights and let him into the house. When he asks for something to eat, it's only a few more hours before she returns with a tray for him.

Apparently she was too slow to make it into Disney's 1940 film version; however there's a charming statue of her in The Pinocchio Park (Parco di Pinocchio), a tourist attraction in Tuscany.

It's about damn time somebody figured out this was a good idea.

I'm fond of The Simpsons ride at Universal Hollywood, and the way the ride queue is structured like you're in the terribly run depths of Krustyland. But then outside they have "Moe's," and it's just a gift shop. Adding insult to injury, the "Duff" they serve inside is an energy drink, the makers of which can eat my shorts.

But an actual Moe's Tavern, with Duff Beer brewed exclusively for the park? Lard Lad donuts? Krusty Burger? Okay, yeah, admittedly, to properly duplicate the show, Krusty Burgers would have to be terrible. And there probably won't be Flaming Moes made with cough syrup, but Universal's flavorsmiths need to figure out some way to duplicate the infernally medicated beverage.

Other attractions will include a new Kang and Kodos ride and a Bumblebee Man taco stand. And the gift stores had best not run out of "Bort" license plates.

So, can we say "Best Idea Ever"? Or will a simple "Woohoo!" suffice?

I guess this is an Urban Outfitters ad, even though it doesn't really promote the product in any way. Nothing gets your message out like the "comedy" stylings of an Alien-American prone to rambling and spending millions of dollars on a movie that's half out of focus (seriously, if you're not familiar with The Room, take the time to watch this two-and-a-half minute edit which sums it up very well).

I can only assume he did not write the script for this, as some of the jokes are self-parody, which requires self-awareness, which almost nobody believes Wiseau actually has (except for those who think he's mob-connected; his refusal to ever answer any question about his background with a direct answer is part of the appeal).

Not everyone finds the humor in this, but my holiday weekend is already happier for having seen it. View after the jump.

Rapture-palooza is basically a comedic take on the Left Behind books and movies - Anna Kendrick is one of the unfortunates who doesn't disappear up to Heaven, and to add insult to injury, Satan (Craig Robinson) moves in next door.

I hadn't given it much thought until today, probably because that poster's kinda terrible - when Machinima released a clip of foul-mouthed crows swearing at Kendrick from a parking lot. Because you just know that if you had Dr. Dolittle's powers of translation, that's exactly what they'd turn out to be doing. No Brandon Lee soul-reviving shtick here; crows are assholes. And these ones are proud of it.

It is the suit, not who's under it, that defines this figure. As a Comic-Con exclusive, Square Enix is releasing this movie Batman figure in special metallic deco. At $65 it isn't cheap, but that's about par for their regular figures so it's actually less of a mark-up than most companies will have.

Best of all, you can preorder it now and avoid the long lines. I'm always afraid these figures will break in my hands, but visually the stuff they're doing seems very cool.

Any readers collect these? Are they as fragile as they look?

Before he was an #Avenger, he was just a REALLY fast kid. Thrilled to say #EvanPeters is joining #XMen #DaysOfFuturePast as #Quicksilver.

— Bryan Singer (@BryanSinger) May 23, 2013

Peters is best known for appearing on every season of American Horror Story. As we know, Quicksilver is also going to be in Avengers 2.

Think Disney would never shell out the bucks to do a big crossover movie with characters owned by other companies? I got two words for ya...Roger Rabbit.

This is Hollywood, so they'll find a way to fuck things up somehow. Nonetheless...

What else would it be?

42 by 44 feet, 5.2 million bricks, with an inner metal structure to support the weight, this mega-set was just unveiled in Times Square. And yes, you can sit in it.

There are many things you're probably expecting from The Hangover Part III - a retread of the first two, perhaps, or a series of good, hearty laughs. You aren't getting them.

What you are getting is more challenging, and possibly less entertaining: a threequel that is in itself a critique of its own existence. Not only is it about intervention and rehab - it is its own intervention and at least attempted rehab. Where the other two movies played danger for laughs, this one plays laughs for danger (perhaps they should have set it in Soviet Russia, heeeeeeeh heeeeeeeh heeeeeh). Some will argue that this is an undercurrent which is accidental, but I believe otherwise. Director Todd Phillips got his start doing documentaries on things like fraternity house hazing rituals and self-destructive punk performance artist G.G. Allin, so I think he understands full well what hangover-inducing behavior can really do, and it ain't all laughs.

Did you find this scene to be gratuitously sexist?

On Conan, JJ Abrams offered his apology...in the form of some equal opportunity ogling...

All better? Equally bad? Or perhaps...most important question here...GIF FODDER?

(BTW, did you know "gif" is supposed to be pronounced "jiff"?)

This week, Lucasfilm and Disney announced what many fans had been suspecting for some time; after pulling the plug on Star Wars: The Clone Wars earlier this year, Disney has greenlit a new animated series called Star Wars Rebels to air on Disney XD in fall 2014. In fact, the series has already begun production, and will be debuting preview footage at Star Wars Celebration in Europe this summer.Simon Kinberg (X-Men: First Class) will serve as an executive producer on the new series, and is writing the pilot.

Dave Filoni, who was the supervising director and lead creative force on Star Wars: The Clone Wars will also serve a executive producer, along with Greg Weisman, producer of fanboy favorite animated series like Young Justice,The Spectacular Spider-Man and Gargoyles. This animation dream team are setting the show during the "Dark Times" between Episode III and IV, and will be using the concept art from Ralph McQuarrie for the classic trilogy as a jumping off point for designing the look of the show. So far, all of this news takes a lot of the sting away from losing Clone Wars so abruptly.

Regardless of what one thinks of the prequel trilogy, the Clone Wars animated series ended up being the best Star Wars anything since the release of The Empire Strikes Back. Series producer David Filoni took the lemons of the prequels and gave fans sweet lemonade in exchange, with over one hundred episodes showcasing the best CG action animation on television. Within months of Disney buying Lucasfilm, they cancelled Clone Wars, probably not wanting a Disney owned property on the Time-Warner owned Cartoon Network. Several episodes were already produced for a sixth season, but it seems that Disney was more interested in launching an all-new Star Wars series for their Disney XD channel than playing out one last season of an older show.

The fact that Rebels follows up Clone Wars chronologically means that this new show can be a sequel series in most respects,addressing the dangling plot points left hanging by the abrupt end of the Clone Wars this year, while still being its own show. Star Wars: Rebels can give fans a show set in the beloved timeline of the original movies (or at least closer to it) and please younger fans, for whom the animated series is the only Star Wars they know. And to start things off on a positive note, here are the five characters I most want to see return on Star Wars: Rebels when it makes its debut next year.

5. Darth Maul

When last seen in the final season of Clone Wars, a resurrected Darth Maul was waging his own war on the galaxy as its newest crime lord, along with his brother Savage Oppress. (Yeah, Savage Oppress was a stupid name, but he was actually a cool character.) Of course, Darth Sidious didn't quite like his former apprentice mucking up his plans for the galaxy, and had already replaced him with Dooku, so in a rather awesome fight sequence, Sidious killed Maul's brother and subjected Maul to the old lightning torture routine. We are led to believe this would be the inglorious ending for Maul, but in a surprise twist, Palpatine decided to leave Maul alive for his own, as yet unknown purposes. I can only expect that Filoni had plans for Darth Maul in season six of Clone Wars, as Maul was obviously nowhere to be found in Revenge of the Sith, much less the original trilogy.

So, what if the Emperor's secret plan for Darth Maul was to use him to help the Empire hunt down and destroy the remaining Jedi? And what if this puts him into conflict with Palpatine's official Sith apprentice, Darth Vader? The prospect of Darth Maul and Darth Vader, scouring the galaxy for hidden Jedi Knights, then eventually coming into conflict with each other, has to be too good of a prospect for Dave Filoni and the production crew to pass up. It's Star Wars fanboy porn, and it would address one of the biggest loose plot threads left over from the end of the last series.