John Rambo's Solutions to 5 Everyday Office Problems
Posted at 5:01 AM Jan 23, 2008
By John Frusciante
Rambo is back in theaters this Friday, and despite the fact that Sylvester Stallone is about 300 years old, we can all learn from Stallone’s and Rambo’s perseverance under pressure—whether we’re also ex-soldiers tormented about ‘Nam or just mindless office drones. See, Rambo can be a guide to handling anything, including the hassles you face in the office every day. Throw away your copy of Sun Tzu and the Art of Business and take a lesson from a true master of war.
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1) Rambo Loses A Dollar In the Snack Machine
Regional Account Executive John Rambo wants nothing more than his three o’clock bag of Famous Amos Cookies. But after inserting his dollar, the cookies don’t make it all the way out. Emotionlessly, Rambo barricades the door to the break room, makes camp and lets the machine sweat fear for the night. In the early morning hours, he pries open the plastic front of the machine open with his hunting knife, removes the cookies, and topples the vending machine over as a warning about what happens when you double-cross a hard-working employee like Rambo.
2) Rambo Gets a Poor Performance Review
Despite hard work on Rambo’s part, sales are down and the result is a poor performance review from his manager. The negativity triggers his memories of being a POW. Rambo’s snatches the review sheet out of his manager’s hands, shoves it onto an arrow, lights it, and fires it from the office, through the window, and into the boss’s new convertible. The car explodes with a fireball three-stories tall. As the car burns, Rambo mumbles to no one in particular, “I always like to take ownership of my work.” But Rambo will never get over the guilt he feels for living when so many of his friends died in ‘Nam.
3) The Office Copier Runs Out of Toner
Rambo has to make ten copies of a report for the weekly account review, but discovers the copier is out of toner—worse, the office manager forgot to order more toner, which will likely result in a passive-aggressive dressing down from his boss. Rambo returns to his cubicle, takes out the bullets he stores next to his post-its, and cuts them open with his knife. He collects the gunpowder and mixes it with the ink from his pens. Once he has enough fluid, he pours the mixture into the empty toner cartridge, and begins copying, without even creasing his business-casual camouflage pants.
4) Rambo Learns His Company is Hiding POWs
Looking for paper clips, Rambo opens what seems to be a storage closet only to find a secret compartment where his company has been secretly keeping Vietnam prisoners of war. Rambo doesn’t need his Outlook Calendar to remind him how to kick ass—he wraps his tie around his head, grabs the M-60 from behind his “Hang In There!” kitten poster, dives into that supply closet and executes the guards with ruthless efficiency. He frees the POWs, providing covering fire until every one leaves the office park safely. Then, Rambo strides into the office of the executive who held them, leaving a “present” of C4 explosives underneath his desk.
5) Someone Eats Rambo’s Lunch
Rambo doesn’t just put his name on his lunch bag because he needs practice writing it. But when some intern (accidentally?) eats his roast beef sandwich Rambo vows revenge. He crawls up into the ceiling from his office chair, and makes his way into the air ducts. He crawls slowly and silently, through the ducts to the area above the intern’s cubicle. He waits patiently for three days until the intern is momentarily alone in the room, during a conference meeting for salaried employees. Rambo quietly removes the ceiling tile, bends down, and breaks the intern’s neck without making a sound. After returning to his desk, Rambo hits the fridge to take the intern’s lunch, which is unfortunately a Lunchable.
Comments
this is awesome. But what about when Rambo's inter-office dating goes awry?
Posted 01/23/2008 at 07:20:25 AMCOMPANY HIDING POWs?
Posted 01/23/2008 at 03:20:36 PMGRAAAGGHH.
This list sucks.
Posted 01/23/2008 at 03:27:25 PMNot funny at all..
Posted 01/23/2008 at 03:35:44 PMThis is funny as hell. Thanks for putting this up.
Posted 01/23/2008 at 03:58:07 PMbeen shilling long?
Posted 01/23/2008 at 04:05:12 PMhot funny at all.... almost as funny as when my father molested me
Posted 01/23/2008 at 04:08:37 PMUnderstandably Rambo (funnily enough named John) a bad ass will have a positive thought promotion poster of "Hang in there" kitten. The only explanation is that office workers are like the drones or machines of the future and they will never suspect a thing behind the kitty poster.
Posted 01/23/2008 at 04:09:02 PMpure awesome, please continue with more of the same, maybe with other characters
Posted 01/23/2008 at 04:10:46 PMTypical of NZ scum though, and most of NZ is
Posted 01/23/2008 at 04:11:43 PMscum that is
This was really funny. Anyone who can't find the humor in this is a pathetic loser who should look into suicide. Stop being such uptight queers...
Posted 01/23/2008 at 07:09:22 PM"After returning to his desk, Rambo hits the fridge to take the intern’s lunch, which is unfortunately a Lunchable."
Posted 01/23/2008 at 07:20:39 PM@ James King Auckland NZ:
This list is _way_ funnier than you will ever be in more than looks.
Posted 01/23/2008 at 08:24:33 PMhahahA! nice post... could've been better if u put some gfx into it,
Posted 01/23/2008 at 09:07:13 PMVery Funny Indeed!
Like someone said, stop being so uptight and learn to enjoy humour :)
Posted 01/23/2008 at 11:07:55 PMHaha good stuff! Go Rambo!
Posted 01/24/2008 at 12:11:56 AMI've seen funnier barley hops.
Posted 01/24/2008 at 12:38:24 AMfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunny
Posted 01/24/2008 at 03:03:46 AMnot funny, u tried to hard.
Posted 01/24/2008 at 04:02:02 AMsry
@ Anonymous...
I had to attack your lack of criticism for you, dear kind sir, are what i would call Mentally Challenged. Not in the classical sense of those whom have suffered (keep them in your prayers), but of one whom states an opinion without backing it up with either facts or reasons. I find that your comment is bland and equates the a pile of fecal matter on a dinner plate, uninteresting and repulsive. As for trying hard, props to someone who put time and thought into something.
@James King Auckland NZ
your comment defacing this priceless work stunk, and your follow up commentary was not necessary, although i was there when you were molested, and that was funny
@Eric
Posted 01/24/2008 at 05:14:11 AMyour baseless accusations are meaningless and your balls have yet to drop, but somehow Gary still rides them like a champ. I hope that Rambo shows you both the meaning of pain when he gets up in both your faces for completing the reach around that occurred on these lists.
Hahaha :))
Laughed my pants off! Also forwarded the link to my ICQ and YM contacts :D
My fav. is:
"Rambo doesn’t just put his name on his lunch bag because he needs practice writing it."
Great stuff, keep 'em coming!
Posted 01/24/2008 at 05:21:03 AM"But what about when Rambo's inter-office dating goes awry?"
Rambo learned not to date "on the job" when he lost his new girlfriend (Co Bao) in Rambo II. :)
Posted 01/24/2008 at 05:43:02 AMIt was kinda funny, the concept is funny, it just could have been a lot better. So no, it wasn't that funny. I thought it was funnier when that dude said "almost as funny as when my father molested me". That was funny.
Posted 01/24/2008 at 08:31:50 AMIt sounds a little too much like the Chuck Norris fad, the Jack Bauer fad, or the insert-action-star fact fads. Not really that funny anymore.
Posted 01/24/2008 at 11:24:54 AMWell, I thought it was funny. Well done, sir.
And seriously, who takes the time to tell someone something's not funny? What happened to losing interest and checking your Facebook page?
Posted 01/24/2008 at 07:46:16 PMIs this author the same John Frusciante from the chili peppers?
Posted 01/24/2008 at 11:50:50 PMIf so, good stuff. If not, good stuff.
This is written with a brilliant sense of wit and timing. I think it is absolutely delicious. Good Job!
Posted 01/26/2008 at 06:30:12 AMI just like rambo...
Posted 01/27/2008 at 10:02:15 AMhttp://www.spymac.com/details/?2337382
OMG I have tears in my eyes, this has got to be the funniest thing I read in the last month.
Thanks for sharing.
Joe
Posted 01/27/2008 at 11:13:34 AMAhh, I long for the days where Rambo was Prime Minister and Brian Denehey was head of the Croatian Mafia.
Actually I just wish they existed, as well as time travel -period of said reigns permitting.
Posted 01/29/2008 at 10:14:13 PMDoes Rambo already walk and work amongst us, but is just wearing a dress?
Posted 02/18/2008 at 06:26:35 AMFunniest thing I've read in a while. Really awesome.
Posted 03/05/2008 at 02:35:40 AMFunny!!!!
Posted 03/26/2008 at 03:57:26 PMaw come on you bitches, the guy aint a professional comedy writer, it was worth a giggle and you need to have one once in a while.
Posted 05/10/2008 at 12:35:25 PMJames King Auckland NZ-- just because you call your cell-mate Daddy doesn't means he's really your father.