5) Wild Smurf
If you thought the Smurfs were freaky, with their shirtless ways and their giant mushroom houses, Wild Smurf is king freak of the forest. He lives in the woods all by himself, wears only leaves and speaks in an unintelligible chatter that animals can understand. Whether he’s a radical Smurf who rejects Smurf society or a mentally ill Smurf that the other Smurfs feel no responsibility for, either way he’s probably having sex with animals.
Aside from the inevitable problems that arise with being the only sexually active woman in town (Sassette is practically a toddler, and Nanny is well past the cougar stage), Smurfette also represents a staffing issue. As the lone working female, Smurfette seems to fill all of the traditionally female jobs, including nurse, secretary, ballerina and stewardess. Surely there are male Smurfs that can fill these jobs without being teased by their peers? Vanity Smurf, for instance?
3) Jokey Smurf
Everybody loves a good joke. But what do you call a Smurf whose biggest pleasure in life seems to be leaving boxes around that are packed full of explosives? Would you call him Jokey? Or would you call him…“terrorist”?! With his exploding gifts, Jokey is the Unabomber and Al Qaeda in one small blue package. If you see something (like a present with a wick sticking out of it), say something!
2) Clockwork Smurf
Handy Smurf built this robotic Smurf out of wood, and somehow managed to make it capable of feeling emotions and morality. Either it’s a magical being, and therefore an abomination in the eyes of God, or it’s a highly advanced artificial intelligence, like the Terminator, and all of the Smurfs will eventually perish in a nuclear holocaust. If this seems unlikely, consider the fact that in the cartoon he was voiced by the same actor who voiced Megatron, leader of the Decepticons, in the original Transformers. Coincidence? We think not.
1) Black Smurfs
Is there anything more unsettling than somebody you used to know chasing you and trying to eat you alive? Other than blatant racism, not much, right? This is why we’re unsettled by the early “Smurfs” cartoon episode where a bite from a fly turned Lazy Smurf’s skin purple and sent him on a zombie rampage worthy of 28 Days Later. Speaking gibberish, he would bite other Smurfs on the ass, turning them purple, and so on. Unsettling, right?
Well, prepare to be more unsettled. In the original French Schtroumph comics, their skin didn’t turn purple…they turned black. So just to make sure you’re following along at home, not only did the black smurfs act in a violent manner, they couldn’t speak properly, couldn’t be reasoned with, and they spread their darker skin color through biting other people’s asses. Seems a lot more racist now, doesn’t it? Hell, even the purple smurfs seem kind of racist now. At the very least, we’re certain Al Sharpton disapproves.