10 Ways George Lucas Can Ruin Indiana Jones
Posted at 5:03 AM May 21, 2008
By Rebecca Kelley
Well folks, the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones movie series debuts tomorrow. Fans young and old have been anticipating this film for years, so you can imagine that there's some high expectations of Star Wars prequel proportions. Coincidentally, the sole factor that could ruin the movie for even the most hardcore Indiana Jones supporter is the same man who molested, defiled, and ruined the Star Wars prequel trilogy with unabashed glee on his chinless face. That man is George Lucas, who just so happens to be executive producer of the Crystal Skull movie. Oh, and he also has a story and character credit. Thus, it goes without saying that Lucas will undoubtedly bastardize some portion of the movie, but we here at Topless Robot are sincerely hoping he keeps the franchise raping to a minimum. Below, we outline the 10 biggest ways George Lucas can ruin Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Here's hoping he commits no more than three of these cardinal sins.
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10) Releasing bullshit “Special Editions" of the previous Indiana Jones movies right before the fourth movie's release date
At this point we're fairly accustomed to lame recycled DVD releases that coincide with a sequel coming out in theaters, and, in fact, the first three Indiana Jones movies were recently re-released just last week so they can ride on the coattails of the newest theatrical venture. Did anyone watch them to make sure Lucas didn't add in any bullshit CG characters and scenes, as he did with the generally terrible Star Wars special editions? We can all too easily imagine a super ultimate extended edition where instead of a boulder, a giant T-Rex chases Indiana Jones out of the temple (which is now a fortress completely encased in adamantium). Then we imagine losing all faith in humanity.
9) Adding a Sean Connery Impersonator to Crystal Skull
We've all heard the rumors that Sean Connery was offered a cameo as Indy's dad in Crystal Skull, and Connery turned it down. But cold reality has never stopped Lucas before. Terrifyingly, Saturday Night Live's Darryl Hammond does a decent Connery impression, and was surely available for filming; we have no doubt Lucas would have added a Hammond-as Connery scene, but did he? Even worse, any of Darryl-as-Sean's lines would inexplicably consist of some sort of remark regarding Alex Trebek's mother being a whore. Oh, and he would say “schwards” a lot during sword-fighting scenes.
8) Inserting a CG River Phoenix in a “Indy as a young boy” flashbacks
River Phoenix appeared in Last Crusade as the young Indy, and it's all-too-feasible that Lucas would want a similar scene in Skull. The fact that Phoenix has been dead for a decade or so wouldn't stop Lucas from having his ILM monkeys making an all-CG River to appear in any young Indy scenes, which would cause confusion of “Tony Soprano's mom who died in real life yet appeared in an episode by way of stock footage” proportions. Also, Lucas would surely have to steal some Phoenix footage from My Own Private Idaho to make the model, which would just be awkward in an action-adventure film.
7) Pretending Harrison Ford isn't in his 60s
The only way to forget Ford's many wrinkles and graying hair would be through CG the likes the world has never seen. We envision it being extremely creepy, in a “Polar Express train conductor” sort of way.
6) Explaining why Indiana Jones is so awesome
George Lucas isn't stupid enough to feel he needs to rationalize the supreme, pristine awesomeness of Dr. Indiana Jones, who had been promoted to bad-ass status the first moment we laid eyes on him in Raiders of the Lost Ark...right? I mean, that would be like going out of your way to superfluously and tediously rationalize why Jedis are so fucking rad...oh...shit.
Comments
Okay, Speed Racer wasn't THAT bad.
Posted 05/21/2008 at 06:35:28 PMSpeed Racer was awesome. The movie didn't center around the technology it added to it. Speed Racer was a movie made for fans and was completely ridiculous (in a Shoot 'em up kind of way) and it was one of the most entertaining movies I've ever seen.
Posted 05/21/2008 at 07:05:44 PMI doubt this happened but it should have:
George: Hey guys...
Steven: Stand in the corner.
George: But guys.
Harrison: IN THE CORNER!
George: Fine I'm in the corner, but...
Steven: Shut up and turn around....
George: *quietly sobs*
Posted 05/21/2008 at 07:31:37 PMThe most obvious way to ruin the film in my mind is to give Indiana Jones one or more sidekicks. I hate sidekicks. Look at how adding Robin and Batgirl ruined the original Batman franchise. If you ask me, sidekicks ruined the last two Indiana Jones movies. I only liked the first one. The reason the new Batman, Spider-Man, and Iron Man movies are such successes is because they feature heroes going it alone. I know this Indiana Jones film prominently features Shia LaBeouf and Karen Allen on the poster and in the trailer, so it concerns me that they will play not just a support role in a few crucial scenes, but rather will be on screen for most of the film and be elevated to sidekick status.
Posted 05/21/2008 at 07:32:52 PMspeed racer was good. it followed the television series to a T.
Posted 05/21/2008 at 07:36:27 PMfew others have stayed so true to the original formula as that.
If Lucas is involved with "story credit" we are bound to see the dialog revert to the monosyllabic drivel of Star Wars Episode All.
Posted 05/21/2008 at 07:39:36 PMGreat list. But N'Sync was offered a role in Attack of the Clones, not TPM.
Posted 05/21/2008 at 07:47:19 PMhey, another top 10 "how lucas spoiled my childhood because he dares to create more movies around a character he created" article.
Maybe you can get on the "lets bash Favreau before he ruins my memories of Ironman" bandwagon before that one gets rolling.
move along... nothing to read here...
Posted 05/21/2008 at 08:25:52 PMYou forgot the obligatory, "Man, I'm gettin' too old for this."
That's gotta be in there somewhere.
Posted 05/21/2008 at 08:56:56 PMTo be fair, I loved Speed Racer.
I have this terrible feeling Indiana Jones is f*cked from here on out though...
Posted 05/21/2008 at 10:55:26 PMTo Ken, "I hate sidekicks. Look at how adding Robin and Batgirl ruined the original Batman franchise." Are you kidding me? Is that what you really think ruined the original Batman series? How do you explain the second movie (which was horrible)? Maybe it was bad writing. Maybe it was the fact that the plots were written/forced to fit within 20 minutes of planning. It was hardly ruined by sidekicks. And "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade rocked.
Posted 05/22/2008 at 05:57:11 AMI do agree speed racer was a fast paced and fun movie to watch
Posted 05/22/2008 at 07:59:21 AMI thought speed racer was going to be horrible, but I have heard alot of great things, like they even had the monkey in it. I am excited about the new IJ4 movie, and will be seeing it this weekend. Great post!
Posted 05/22/2008 at 09:55:25 AMthe correct answer for #1 is: Jar Jar
Posted 05/22/2008 at 10:18:54 AMno, its number 2
Posted 05/22/2008 at 11:14:08 AMI just wanna say this article is a poor attempt at being funny.
Posted 05/22/2008 at 12:21:07 PMI watched the movie last nite (it premiers earlier here) and the ending sucked! Bring the old Indiana Jones back!
I wrote a review here
Posted 05/22/2008 at 02:26:32 PMSpoliers ahoy:
Posted 05/22/2008 at 03:36:41 PMQuoting "I hate snakes"- check
Launching a CGI flying saucer out of Cate Blanchett's forehead- check
The Beef dressing as Marlon Brando- check
and having an affinity with monkeys
Surviving nuclear explosions by hiding in fridges- check
hitting the ark of the covenant with a jeep- check
Why o why?
Speed racer was awesome, great story, people just need to have better imagination and realize the style was based on manga comics. The "technological" special effects got the manga style right on. Obviously the writer of this article read to many "mainstream" critic reviews whom most either despise the wachowski brothers or who are old people. Spread the word, go see Speed Racer.
Posted 05/22/2008 at 04:03:05 PMRemember how every third line in the Star Wars prequels was "I have a bad feeling about this"? remember how it was funny and fun the first time, and then made you die inside the 18th time it happened? Lucas remembered, and didn't want you to forget. That's why Indy utters it towards the end. (to a collective groan/laugh in a packed theater).
Posted 05/22/2008 at 05:02:40 PMSPEEDRACER SUCKED SPEEDRACER SUCKED SPEEDRACER SUCKED SPEEDRACER SUCKED
SPEEDRACER SUCKED
NO NEW IDEAS!!!! WE ARE IN REMAKE ''HELL''
Posted 05/26/2008 at 05:49:14 PMI'M EXPECTING BEVERLY HILLBILLIES MEETS THE MUNSTERS, ANY DAY NOW!!!
ALSO,,, DID ANYONE NOTICE ''JABBA THE HUT'' I MEAN,,,GEORGES HAIRDO AT CANNES??? WTF???