By Rebecca Kelley
Well folks, the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones movie series debuts tomorrow. Fans young and old have been anticipating this film for years, so you can imagine that there’s some high expectations of Star Wars prequel proportions. Coincidentally, the sole factor that could ruin the movie for even the most hardcore Indiana Jones supporter is the same man who molested, defiled, and ruined the Star Wars prequel trilogy with unabashed glee on his chinless face. That man is George Lucas, who just so happens to be executive producer of the Crystal Skull movie. Oh, and he also has a story and character credit. Thus, it goes without saying that Lucas will undoubtedly bastardize some portion of the movie, but we here at Topless Robot are sincerely hoping he keeps the franchise raping to a minimum. Below, we outline the 10 biggest ways George Lucas can ruin Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Here’s hoping he commits no more than three of these cardinal sins.
10) Releasing bullshit ?Special Editions” of the previous Indiana Jones movies right before the fourth movie’s release date
At this point we’re fairly accustomed to lame recycled DVD releases that coincide with a sequel coming out in theaters, and, in fact, the first three Indiana Jones movies were recently re-released just last week so they can ride on the coattails of the newest theatrical venture. Did anyone watch them to make sure Lucas didn’t add in any bullshit CG characters and scenes, as he did with the generally terrible Star Wars special editions? We can all too easily imagine a super ultimate extended edition where instead of a boulder, a giant T-Rex chases Indiana Jones out of the temple (which is now a fortress completely encased in adamantium). Then we imagine losing all faith in humanity.
9) Adding a Sean Connery Impersonator to Crystal Skull
We’ve all heard the rumors that Sean Connery was offered a cameo as Indy’s dad in Crystal Skull, and Connery turned it down. But cold reality has never stopped Lucas before. Terrifyingly, Saturday Night Live‘s Darryl Hammond does a decent Connery impression, and was surely available for filming; we have no doubt Lucas would have added a Hammond-as Connery scene, but did he? Even worse, any of Darryl-as-Sean’s lines would inexplicably consist of some sort of remark regarding Alex Trebek’s mother being a whore. Oh, and he would say ?schwards? a lot during sword-fighting scenes.
8) Inserting a CG River Phoenix in a ?Indy as a young boy? flashbacks
River Phoenix appeared in Last Crusade as the young Indy, and it’s all-too-feasible that Lucas would want a similar scene in Skull. The fact that Phoenix has been dead for a decade or so wouldn’t stop Lucas from having his ILM monkeys making an all-CG River to appear in any young Indy scenes, which would cause confusion of ?Tony Soprano’s mom who died in real life yet appeared in an episode by way of stock footage? proportions. Also, Lucas would surely have to steal some Phoenix footage from My Own Private Idaho to make the model, which would just be awkward in an action-adventure film.
7) Pretending Harrison Ford isn’t in his 60s
The only way to forget Ford’s many wrinkles and graying hair would be through CG the likes the world has never seen. We envision it being extremely creepy, in a ?Polar Express train conductor? sort of way.
6) Explaining why Indiana Jones is so awesome
George Lucas isn’t stupid enough to feel he needs to rationalize the supreme, pristine awesomeness of Dr. Indiana Jones, who had been promoted to bad-ass status the first moment we laid eyes on him in Raiders of the Lost Ark…right? I mean, that would be like going out of your way to superfluously and tediously rationalize why Jedis are so fucking rad…oh…shit.
5) Inserting Short Round into various scenes for comic relief
Imagine a little Asian kid popping in and exclaiming to Cate Blanchett’s badass Russian officer, ?Hey, lady! You call him Dr. Jones!? and responding to Shia LeBouf shouting ?Are you nuts, Indy?? with ?He no nuts, he crazy!? Now imagine that happening every few minutes throughout the course of a two-plus-hour film. Now imagine yourself gouging your eye out with a makeshift knife fashioned out of a box of Junior Mints. That’s about how your evening will turn out.
4) Considering an N-Sync cameo
We really have nothing to add to this. It was a bad, bad idea for The Phantom Menace, and a bad idea here.
3) Forcing popular quotes from the previous movies into the script.
Remember how every third line in the Star Wars prequels was “I have a bad feeling about this”? remember how it was funny and fun the first time, and then made you die inside the 18th time it happened? It’s all too likely that every line any audience has ever enjoyed from the first three Indy movies will be ham-handedly forced into Crystal Skull.
Shia LeBeouf’s character: ?Indy, this raft is going awfully fast…it looks like the river is snaking!?
Harrison Ford: ?Snakes…why did it have to be snakes?? *winks at camera, grins broadly*
Movie audience: *collectively sobs*
2) Ever releasing a Crystal Skull special edition
G. Luc (I can call you that, right?), technology is always going to keep getting better. Some day we might even be able to get out of the uncanny valley and make an entirely creepy-free movie with CG characters. But until then, just be satisfied with what you’ve got, and don’t be embarrassed by the fact that maybe your special effects looked silly two decades ago. The movie will still be a classic if it tells a great story.
1) Thinking that movie audiences are dumb enough to enjoy a movie based on its technology rather than its compelling storyline
We’re not. Speed Racer pretty much proved that.
Want more Indy-related reading? Try The 10 Grossest Indiana Jones Moments written by TR editor Rob Bricken over at Westworld.