8 Ways They're Going to F**k Up the Dragonball Movie
Posted at 5:04 AM Jul 11, 2008
<
em>By Bryan Hartzheim
We’ve now seen the first poster of the live-action Dragonball movie, and it is not satisfactory. Let’s start with the good: they got the number of stars on Goku’s original Dragonball correct. And now the bad: Bulma looks like Claire from Resident Evil, Master Roshi looks like Chow Yun Fat wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Chichi looks like nothing, Goku looks like he’d be at home at a bro bar, and Mai—who gives a shit about Mai? At best, she was a minor comic foil to Pilaf’s antics. She doesn’t throw a punch in the whole comic series. Worst of all is how Goku holds his Dragonball like Yamcha’s weak-ass “super move,” sokidan.
This does not look good. Next thing, we’ll be getting Krillin totally written out of the movie and replaced by some random asshat. Wait, this has already happened, you say? This movie is shaping up to be one giant ass-eating piece of suck. Before things get any worse, we’ve assembled a must-have list of elements for the movie to retain from the series in order to keep the spirit of the original Dragonball intact. That’s right, the original series (the arc this movie is being based on); no “It’s over nine-thousaaaaaand!” Z bullshit here. Not including a single one of these things will result in something significantly worse than Dragonball GT.
8) No Gratuitous Shots of Bulma’s Boobies
By last count, Bulma bares her bust at least three times to various horny males, including the time Oolong changes into her to show her vanilla pudding bags to Master Roshi (she also does one emphatic flash of her bottom half, for good measure). Yes, before she became relegated to fixing broken Dragon Radars and sporting groovy new hairstyles of the day, Bulma was the series resident fan service who flashed us more than a drunken college chick in Girls Gone Wild (well, nearly as much). To be deprived of her rack for a sissy PG-13 rating would be a disservice to any red-blooded male and many rugged, rack-appreciating females (God bless you gals!). Emmy Rossum’s shirt should come down at least twice, with close-up of Yamcha's nosebleeds when appropriate.
7) Starring More Svelte Femme Fatales than Testosterone-Induced Warriors
On that note, seriously, the entire Dragonball series has like, two legitimate female fighters, one of whom is an android. Even including the movies, the world of Dragonball is not a female-friendly place. It’s a Darwinian landscape where women are shoved to the margins, and in those margins make rice balls for the hungry warriors. We don’t care what women are thinking about, unless it’s about how their men are so difficult to deal with—as they should be, the world-saving bad-asses that they are. So why does the poster have more chicks than dudes on it? Where the hell are Krillin, Tienshinhan, and all of Piccolo’s instrument-named henchmen? Why is Mai suddenly his right-hand “man”? This just smacks of marketing deception and equal opportunity employment. The fact is, in Dragonball, the women can’t do it too. Get Chichi back in the house making Gohan a geek; again, pull Bulma’s shirt down all the way to her ankles; and if we must include Mai, at least “reinvent” the series with a little lesbian action with Lunch in both her incarnations (is she even in this movie? No? Blasphemy!). Please, ladies, let us guys have this one and just go and eat chocolate and sip chardonnay or whatever it is y’all do together on a Friday night.
6) Making Goku More Like Gohan than God
Speaking of Chichi, all indications of story synopses point to a sad, sad premise of the movie: Goku is a high school student. Goku is a simple, generous soul, and probably the strongest manga character who ever lived. He is not, however, a student. Goku hates school, or, at least, he can’t read. We’ve never seen him read anything other than a Dragon Radar, and we’re not about to start with any of that learning nonsense now. Save the school story arc until the mentally-weak Gohan (that's him above) enters the story. Leave Goku, eternal savior and representative of the little guy (remember, he is the lowest level of Saiyan) as he is.
5) Replacing the Japanese Music with Generic '80s Metal
Man, Dragonball had some great music didn’t it? Of course, I’m talking about the original Japanese mood music, not the bastardized American metal rock. Don’t believe me? Compare the intros. First, the Japanese original Dragonball theme song:
It gets you pumped for the action and journey, with inspirational lyrics like “The world is itself a giant treasure chest,” and “Let’s break through the sky on cloud machines” that testify to the adventure of the search for seven magical orbs from God. The American song, on the other hand:
A bunch of assholes screaming “Rock the Dragon!” to wailing guitars like Ultimate Warrior’s intro music. It’s a little catchy in a mindless chant sort of way, but we’re taking the “mystical” quotient down several notches with this kind of stuff.
Comments
Good list, I've been a fan of DB for a long time. What they are doing to this movie is fucking terrible. They should cancel it and destroy all of the evidence that it was ever in production.
How in the hell can they take Krillin out?!?
Goku in school?
It's going to be a sad, sad day when this movie is released.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 06:04:24 AMI was never even into Dragonball, and I'm getting pissed about this movie too. That's a pretty bad sign.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 06:47:50 AM"vanilla pudding bags..." Thats a win in my book
Posted 07/11/2008 at 08:30:07 AMyeah...
Posted 07/11/2008 at 08:40:16 AMDragon Ball sucks and this movie will be super lame... even though I have to admit I am kinda partial to any character named "Mr. Satan" and a town called "Satan City" (I admit I watched it in Japan a bit)
Posted 07/11/2008 at 11:31:14 AMYou make me cry, sir.
The worst part is, my husband still wants to go see the movie when it comes out. I'll be dragged kicking and screaming to have my soul sucked away by this hideous film. And then, if there is anything left of me, I will lock myself in a dark room and with water, animal crackers, and an empty jug, and marathon the fuck out of my DB/DBZ collection to try and burn the image of the movie out of my brain.
Please, hideous Dragonball Movie, let me take something positive away from you. At least show me boobies.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 12:44:00 PMI gotta say that when I first heard of the movie I wasn't really looking forward to it much since I had gotten kind of burned out on all things DBZ. But now this is REALLY starting to suck. I hadn't even heard about Krillin not being in the movie. That said however I kind of have a feeling that this may turn into a cult classic, LOVED by a certain few simply for being this bad.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 01:15:54 PMI was never a die-hard Dragonball fan but I watched it fairly regularly. I was really excited years and years ago (was it like 10 :s??) when they first announced they'd do a live action, and they added the little 'live action' movie button to the official webpage...alas it got shelved...and shelved...and shelved some more. It was slammed on to that shelf so hard it appears it broke the script :( I'll still see it though, and pray that James Marsters (as Picollo) somehow manages to take up most of the screentime..:p
Posted 07/11/2008 at 01:37:45 PMI'm guessing the movie will indeed suck, and tank at the box office. Anime is such a niche thing in the American market so far, and I don't think this movie will change that. I don't know why, but audiences just find too many of the concepts unrelatable. It's thought of as being weird and that only weird people would like it. I wonder what could change people's minds about it. Certainly a cast better than these b-listers might help.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 03:10:03 PMI don't think it's fair (or even logical, for that matter) to compare the Dragonball theme with the Dragonball Z theme.
In any case, I found the Japanese theme to be boring, and the American one, while pitiful lyrically, at least got you pumped up.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 03:27:31 PMseriously....get a fucking life man, find a hobby thats less sad and pathetic or continue this hobby...but don't fucking flaunt it...
Posted 07/11/2008 at 07:33:15 PMYour crazy dude. The "80's metal" theme song is awesome. The japanese one is lame.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 07:37:07 PMReally? I thought the problem started and ended with, "Hey, let's make a Dragonball Z movie!"
Posted 07/11/2008 at 08:15:16 PMu guys r acting like babies, u guys haven't seen the trailer yet, but why r u guys bashing dragonball movie that, yeah i know it was not what many people expected it to be i was like u guys saying this movie will suck but i realized after watching some DB that i will give it my final opinion when the trailer comes out. any way what turned me was the SJ scans of Justin Chatwin(goku) in his blue gi an it game me faith that this movie may not be all that bad. so people just relax and wait for the trailer and make u final decisions then.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 08:27:45 PMDude I dont think its possible to screw up the DragonballZ movie!
Posted 07/11/2008 at 08:38:39 PMwww.FireMe.to/udi
Totally agree on Z Said
Get a life man , dont waate your effort on this there too many lack brains out there doing this already.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 08:45:38 PMTotally agree on Z Said
Get a life man , dont waste your effort on this there too many lack brains out there doing this already.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 08:45:52 PMDragonball sucks no matter what, and you are stupid for liking it in the first place.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 09:19:31 PMHey,
Posted 07/11/2008 at 09:46:49 PMI happen to be pals with Texas Battle. That's his real name.
He's playing a character named 'Carey Fuller' in DB.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1564024/
i gave up on them making a good movie a long time ago....after seeing more pics, this makes it worse than before. it seems as if they're going for a new audience rather than supply the demand of current fans. boo! i am def. not going to see this. im sure little kids will love it like soulja boy's music.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 10:16:17 PMYou have some good points but I would suggest we wait for a trailer before jumping to conclusions.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 10:19:27 PMif you're gonna compare intros at least compare it to the DRAGON BALL theme (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FW-w76RjUQ) not the DRAGON BALL Z intro
Posted 07/11/2008 at 10:59:13 PMlol, great article. You said it perfectly, especially the part with the useless characters. I loved the part about Yamcha as well.
Posted 07/11/2008 at 11:05:53 PMWell as much as I agree with the whole point - THAT THIS MOVIE IS A BIGGEST BLASPHEMY EVER!
that much I disagree with some things... like Gohan is not mentally weak...and like Rock The Dragon is my favorite song man... Its like its a matter of tastes... but you can't say that this song does not suit to a bunch of "warriors with testosterones" beating the shit out of each other ;)
But what is important is that I see you truly love DB/Z and therefore you must HATE this blasphemy
Therefore! True DB/Z fans! brothers and sisters! let us protest:
http://www.petitiononline.com/dblam444/petition.html
http://db-lam-protest.forumotion.com
Please don't be one of those ones "naaah it won't make any difference..." JUST SIGN it it takes about 10 seconds...do it please ;)
We'd appreciate every signature very much...
Posted 07/12/2008 at 12:21:06 AMWell as much as I agree with the whole point - THAT THIS MOVIE IS A BIGGEST BLASPHEMY EVER!
that much I disagree with some things... like Gohan is not mentally weak...and like Rock The Dragon is my favorite song man... Its like its a matter of tastes... but you can't say that this song does not suit to a bunch of "warriors with testosterones" beating the shit out of each other ;)
But what is important is that I see you truly love DB/Z and therefore you must HATE this blasphemy
Therefore! True DB/Z fans! brothers and sisters! let us protest:
www.petitiononline.com/dblam444/petition.html
db-lam-protest.forumotion.com
Please don't be one of those ones "naaah it won't make any difference..." JUST SIGN it it takes about 10 seconds...do it please ;)
We'd appreciate every signature very much...
Posted 07/12/2008 at 01:24:28 AMdude get the fucking theme songs right. i'm drunk and i can realize that's between two different songs. dugg down and you fucking suck.
Posted 07/12/2008 at 01:51:40 AMThis movie is so unnessaary, Its going to be another Street Fighter
Posted 07/12/2008 at 02:56:50 AMI never got much into Dragonball (so I could be wrong), but it looks like you're mixing up Dragonball with Dragonball Z. A Dragonball movie doesn't rouse much interest; I'd definitely check out a high octane CGI driven Dragonball Z movie though.
Posted 07/12/2008 at 04:24:56 AMMen, if you think the film will be so bad, just simply don't watch it, and let the others enjoy it... Stop these stupid retarded petitions against the movie, it will be done, and some may even like it.
Posted 07/12/2008 at 05:12:58 AMYou guys are crazy. The Americanized intro to Dragon Ball Z is much better then the Japanese version to Dragon Ball. What is wrong with you.
Dragon Ball Z intro gets you ready for action. It lets you know this is an action based cartoon.
Posted 07/12/2008 at 07:56:04 AMDamn guys, this movie isn't based on the Z arc, it's set in the pre-Z era of less fighting and more adventure. The author's clearly trying to show how the original series is different and what not to fuck up. By the time a trailer comes out, it's gonna be too late, so best to point it out now.
Posted 07/12/2008 at 11:07:11 AMYou guys actually think that the lame Americanized theme's better than the Japanese original!?
Posted 07/12/2008 at 02:58:21 PMPlease tell me you thought so because you don't understand Japanese.
I agree with a portion of this.
Yes it has a pretty good chance of being problematic. Yes there is no word on Krillin being in the movie yet. And yes there are waay to many females in the film, which is not good concidering that we no of no entry for Tien, Oolong, Puar or anyone else of Interest.
The tournament is happening, but we havent heard of anything about the Bacterian guy, though I do remember him from the Anime, that fight was great!
But if Krillin isnt in it, then dont be looking foreward to that.
The Music however, you have is wrong. Wether or not you did it on purpose, the Music that your referring to on the bottom was infact from DBZ and not Dragonball.
Posted 07/13/2008 at 12:16:51 AMThere are going to be tournaments in the movie. I don't think as much as it was in the anime, but there have been leaked video footage of the movie's tournament scene.
I'm still not going to judge this movie based on just images and leaked material, but I hope it'll be good.
I also object to the thumbs down on the characters not being as buff as the cartoons. There's little to no way that some buff dudes in real life have enough acting talent to make a good dragonball movie. Maybe some pro wrestlers, but not all of them have good speaking skills or acting talent.
Posted 07/13/2008 at 08:58:35 AMDragon Ball is shit. You people are 'tards for liking it, and I thought this website was cool until now.
Posted 07/17/2008 at 12:52:37 AMEveryone should boycott this like the Japanese are doing.
Posted 07/17/2008 at 06:18:07 PM. . . i hate rock the dragon
Posted 07/19/2008 at 06:42:32 AMi'm a DB/DBZ fan and this movie is gonna suck bigtime i mean goku going to school krillin, out of all the people in this movie has to get cut the best freind of goku but i wait for the movie and see whats, what
Posted 09/09/2008 at 07:14:28 PMLOL, you'd think they could do a better job than Hong Kong did with that ripoff "Dragon Ball" movie... the one where nobody had the right names, and stuff... But it looks like they can't. Maybe if they actually did some consulting beforehand with people who have SEEN the series...
Can't expect much though from the sort of people who turn every story into an American morals story with socially acceptable messages and actors worse than animated characters.
Posted 09/15/2008 at 08:28:27 AMI feel sorry for those who disagree with this blog, because this person is right. I've been a fan of dragonball since '92 and i've waited 7 miserable years of on and off production for this crap to be created and released. Unless the CGI on this film is better than the matrix, LOTR and star wars combined it will suck balls!.
Posted 09/16/2008 at 11:15:31 AMit's going to suck big time. i like the american soundtrack. you can't compare the japanese and the american, both soundtracks are great. bruce faulconer is a great composer, and his style was the new, and the japanese was the old.
Posted 09/17/2008 at 12:59:00 PMIt may not be all bad... it seems like they are going to bash the hell out of the original storyline...but I guess it's to be expected.
It may end up being an "ok" movie, despite it having the originality that was Dragonball, removed.
Posted 09/28/2008 at 08:08:11 PMBrothers, true DB fans, don't ever even slightly tolerate this assault to all the DB creators and fans and protest it out of the existence!!!
http://www.petitiononline.com/dblam444/petition.html
Posted 11/03/2008 at 03:37:25 AMI'm not a fan of DB but after having to suffer watching shit like Street Fighter, Super Mario Brothers and Mortal Combat people should realize that fucking with the original story is a fucking bad idea. If anyone thinks differently, good luck, but ur being FUCKING NAIVE. The person who wrote the script for the movie should be sodomized with a spiked bat for every minute people waste their time to watch the shit.
Posted 11/23/2008 at 04:21:51 PMdude... wtf man. its obvious they didnt even bother to ASK a single DB fan out there how the movie should be made. a bunch of old corporate a-holes talking about what they THINK the public and fans want to see instead of just ASKING!!! GOD WHY!!!!?!?!?!? The day i saw the trailer me and my friend were just bummed out the rest of the day... all we could say was "man... i wish i never saw that trailer..."
Posted 12/03/2008 at 04:26:35 PMlol hey idiot. the metal rock intro was for dbz. there was a different intro for the american dragon ball
Posted 12/07/2008 at 11:06:19 PMYeah, I can't believe they completely changed the story and the roles of the characters. This movie is going to be horrible! Atleast I got my DB and DBZ DVDs to enjoy if this movie does suck.
Posted 12/21/2008 at 08:19:01 PMThis movie is going to suck. Plain and simple and or you morons who say it isn't can turn around and bend over so I can kick your ass until your nose bleeds. The producers obviously don't care about the older generation thats have been watching it since the 80's/90's. The newer generations don't know nor give 2 craps what they're watching. This movie is going to ruin and decimate the awesomeness that is Dragonball/DBZ. This film and any evidence o its production and existence should be destroyed and never be spoken of again. They should never make a DB/DBZ movie with live action until they ask the older generations what SHOULD go in it or until they get the fucking story and characters right. and no offense to the other guys that wrote this but seriously don't you guys have anything better to do than to watch Bulma pull her shirt down time and time again. C'mon people.
Posted 01/19/2009 at 08:01:42 PMI never heard the american music.
man it sucks
now i understand alot of things
they made fun of the serie
that music make you think that dragonball z is stupid punchs
and weird powers.
is like a big misdirection to the real point
Posted 01/29/2009 at 03:47:15 AMthis movie sucks!!! You only have to see the clips of it to realize the anime RULEzzz and the movie SUCKZZZ!!!....!!!
Posted 04/08/2009 at 08:18:02 PMWhy does it matter that bulma doesn't flash in the movie. What's more important is goku's little weiner, in the bath scenes. Yes but if you want to be close to the book, they should show bulma nude.
Posted 04/16/2009 at 01:44:13 AM