The 10 Lamest Characters Added to G.I. Joe
Posted at 5:03 AM Jul 15, 2008
By Brian Heiler and Rob Bricken
They’re the greatest military organization in the fictional world. They fight the deadliest organization on the planet. And yet, in terms of hiring, they don't really seem to discriminate that much. Yeah, just about any jack-ass can get into G.I. Joe or its nemesis Cobra. From men wearing monocles but no shirts to professional wrestler Sgt. Slaughter, as long as you are willing to dress oddly and have some aggression to work out, it seems like either will hire you on the spot, no resumé needed. After some 25 years, both teams have certainly let in a few losers—and here are ten real American zeros that did nothing for the Joe/Cobra war, or the kids watching it.
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10) Serpentor
The first real misstep the G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero franchise took is when they replaced Cobra Commander. It certainly must have seemed like a great idea at the time—as C.C. was terrible at his job—and the premise was incredible. Taking the DNA from dead military leaders to produce the ultimate ruler? Amazing! But then Dr. Mindbender mixed up the warlord-juice, and the ultimate leader came strolling out in a snake costume that looked like it was from a cable access children’s show. We're sorry for ever doubting you, Cobra Commander.
9) Chuckles
We know there are a lot of Chuckles fans out there, since he was the crazy soldier who wore the Hawaiian shirts and blew things up and was generally a psychopath we were lucky to have working on our side. But if you stop and think about it, Chuckles isn't all that. His name sounds like he's a circus clown, and his dress code was stupid even by G.I. Joe's admittedly lax standards. And again, he was a wack-job, which we're under the impression most armed forces generally hate. So add all those up, and what do you get?
Yes, Gary Busey. Still a fan of Chuckles now? We thought so.
8) William "Refrigerator" Perry
Chicago Bears mania had swept the nation in 1985, and Hasbro, with absolutely zero regard for any kind of coherence or decency in their combat toyline, introduced the Bears' massive defensive lineman William “Refrigerator” Perry into the Joe team with this all-too flattering (seriously, when was he ever this svelte?) 3 ¾-inch version. While there's no doubt Perry was tough, his weapon of choice was a metal football on a chain, which even the borderline retarded soldiers of Cobra should have realized was easily avoided if you didn't get within 10 feet of him. Which should have been their policy anyways.
7) "Pimp Daddy" Destro
Oh, Destro. You've always been an awesome character as the mask-wearing arms dealer to Cobra, even if you wore a jacket with a huge collar and no shirt (much like Freddie Mercury). We suppose your fashion sense has always been suspect—which is why we shouldn't be surprised at the above outfit, best known to Joe collectors as "Pimp Daddy" Destro. With its leopard-print highlights, it's not at all suited to the battlefield, unless you count the battlefield that clearly was Destro's twisted private life. There's absolutely zero chance of a leopard-print thong not being under those leather pants.
6) Intruder
Okay, these louts weren't at all part of the wacky war between G.I. Joe and Cobra, but they're so bad, we had to mention them somewhere. In 1976, Hasbro added these Intruders as villains to their 12-inch Joe line. Despite the fact they look exactly like cavemen, Hasbro swore they were evil aliens from outer space who were super-smart and stuff. It’s almost like Hasbro wanted the toy line to fail, so they could start it over later.
Comments
what's sad is that i used to own about half of those characters.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 06:07:03 AMI liked Serpentor, since the show was camp anyway and he said "This, I command!" way too much. No Cobra Commander, but he had his moments.
What about those characters they did when they revived the show in 89 or 90? I remember something to do with eco-warriors, enemies whose weapons shot toxic waste of some variety, and a vaudevillian looking villain with shades, slicked hair, ponytail and a pinstripe suit with cape and cane. Those characters (along with the plots and animation) were so god awful the show was unwatchable.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 06:26:47 AMAnd if I'm remembering right, you had to send away some UPC codes or something to get the lameness that was the Refrigerator Perry GI Joe figure. I think that was probably the start of the end of my love affair with Joe.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 07:32:28 AMgary muthafucking busey
Posted 07/15/2008 at 07:45:32 AMCome one, Chuckles kicked ass. Sure, his action figure only came with a hand gun, but he had that great "what the fuck is he doing next to Falcon and Beachhead," vibe. He was like Shipwreck, except not a dick. Oh, and if you could go back in time, get a youngish (post massive head trauma, but pre-flabby utter lunatic) Gary Bussey and put him in the upcoming GI Joe flick as Chuckles...well, that would would be pretty damn awesome (fuck the black spandex and molded plastic uniform, I like my soldiers dressed like Don Ho).
Posted 07/15/2008 at 07:58:25 AMI love this site, but would it be too much to ask for someone to EDIT articles before they're posted? The constant grammatical errors are annoying.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 08:21:45 AMHomerEb — You mean, I shouldn't wait until 3am to post these lists, when I'm over tired and totally drunk? Huh. Well, you probably shouldn't hold your breath.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 08:39:18 AMLOL> I used to have Chuckles and Super Trooper.. I also remember the tv commercial promoting Super Trooper with live actors dressed up as Cobra Officers and Super Trooper.
That confederate flag wearing southern G.I. Joe character i didnt know existed
Posted 07/15/2008 at 08:44:37 AMOh man, if only they could make a G.I. Joe movie that posits that the team was actually active and in its heyday in the 80's and now they have to dust off their wacky uniforms and go back to kicking ass because Cobra's back in town. Then we could have a dream cast of Kurt Russell as Gen. Hawk, Chuck Norris as Rock N Roll, Mr. T as Roadblock, Wesley Snipes as Stalker, Steven Segal as Flint, and Sylvester Stallone as Cobra Commander or something. And that bad guy from "Last Action Hero" as Destro. Who WOULDN'T see that?
Posted 07/15/2008 at 09:07:31 AMWOW. I had the Captain Grid-Iron guy.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 09:11:36 AMI just remember that he had A LOT of
small parts. Name should have been
Captain Choke Hazard.
i kinda liked Nemesis Enforcer. Cross Country's HAVOC made up for the hillbilly-ness. oh wait, he was a red-neck. and Capt. Gridiron was when DIC took over the cartoon and as the animation suffered, so did the figures. in the end so did we all.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 09:23:57 AMI love how Chuckles was the Joes' undercover agent, yet in the movie he was mute, for some reason. I can just see Duke, Hawk and General Flagg discussing it now:
Posted 07/15/2008 at 10:35:13 AM"We need to infiltrate Cobra's base in Miami and/or Honolulu; who do we send?"
"How about that hulky head-case who doesn't say shit and sticks out like a sore thumb?"
"Sure, that guy could pass for an Alley Viper or something. Why not?"
And I agree ... Gary Busey in "Point Break" is EXACTLY like a past-his-prime Chuckles. Except for the whole speaking thing. Poor Angelo...
Great list, but #1 was kind of a let-down. When he first appeared in 1986 (the left-hand picture), Cross-Country didn't have a flag, or a toolkit, or even any references to Southern stereotypes on his filecard -- just the Confederate cap. It was the 1993 re-issue (right picture) that gave him the flag and an incredibly offensive filecard that references both the "land of cotton" and his "rebel yell." It also gave him a stereotypically Southern rocket launcher.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 11:24:19 AMGreat list, but #1 was kind of a let-down. When he first appeared in 1986 (the left-hand picture), Cross-Country didn't have a flag, or a toolkit, or even any references to Southern stereotypes on his filecard -- just the Confederate cap.
Actually, he does have a (Confederate) flag. It's sculpted on his belt buckle.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 11:43:51 AMI'm not very connected in the way of G.I.Joe knowledge but I want one of those "Pimp Daddy" Destro figures...XD
Posted 07/15/2008 at 02:16:54 PMI didn't know the H.A.V.O.C.'s driver was Rick Moranis.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 04:59:57 PMI had Cross Country and the HAVOC back in the day, and he was by far my least favorite figure. Hell, I think it bothered me that he could even bother to color-coordinate his non-fatigues.
And that was before I even understood the significance of the Confederate flag. If only I had known. Cross Country would have met a fate doled out by a lit firecracker inserted in his little torso rubberband.
Posted 07/16/2008 at 02:01:34 AMWhatever. Cross Country was awesome. He was a throwback to the Dukes of Hazzard. Every G.I. Joe fan born in the 80's loved that show, regardless of how lame it may seem in retrospect. And number 1? White guilt must be eating you alive.
Posted 07/17/2008 at 09:26:38 PMAm I the only one who never really liked Duke?
Posted 07/30/2008 at 07:09:43 PMMy aunt bought me a Raptor action figure one Christmas. I kinda liked it. I think I was 8 at the time. Yeah, that's my excuse.
Posted 08/18/2008 at 10:51:20 PM