The 7 Biggest Asshole Computers in Science Fiction
Posted at 5:02 AM Jul 29, 2008
By Chris Cummins
When computers inevitably take over the world, you can bet that sci-fi writers are going to be the first ones slaughtered by their electronic death rays. Throughout the history of science fiction, they have frequently been portrayed as scheming machines that want nothing more than to enslave or destroy humanity. Whether acting as a metaphor for society’s fear of the unknown or reflecting upon concerns about the misuse of technology, computers are the genre’s whipping boy. So it makes sense that they are often troublemaking punks out to spoil our fun in sci-fi films and TV shows. Here’s a look at the worst offenders.
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7) Dr. Theopolis
During the first season of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Dr. Theopolis—Theo if you will—was Twiki’s computerized buddy. Although he was considered one of the world’s greatest minds and held an esteemed position on the Earth’s Computer Council, he was mainly a big time know-it-all who constantly felt the need to express his disdain over his cock-headed robot pal’s wisecracks. Twiki had enough problems, what with sounding like Mel Blanc then suddenly not and all. The last thing he needed was to get chastised by some sexually ambivalent computer that looked like an electric meter.
6) MU-TH-R 182
Note to space truckers of the future: don’t take a job from the Weyland-Yutani Corporation. The evil computer of Alien, MU-TH-R 182 (a.k.a. Mother) secretly took the crew of the Nostromo on a mission to check out an extraterrestrial signal and bring back one of the acid-dripping beasties for the Company to research if it could be implemented as a weapon. No one aboard except for the android Ash (coming soon to the 7 Biggest Asshole Robots in Sci-Fi Daily List) knew of Mother’s plan. The computer was perfectly fine with its entire crew being wiped out by the vicious xenomorph, proving once and for all that Mother was a fucker.
5) Deep Thought
From Marvin the Paranoid Android to Eddie, the ever-upbeat computer aboard the starship Heart of Gold, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy features a non-stop array of assholish robots and computers. None are worse than Deep Thought. Created to figure out “Life, the Universe and Everything,” the pompous machine wasted seven and a half million years of everyone’s time before announcing that the answer to all of existence was 42. The problem was that no one knew exactly what the question was, so the answer made no sense. Declaring that he didn’t have a clue either, Deep Thought had to build a supercomputer called the Earth to sort out exactly what the Ultinate Question was. It’s bad enough that he couldn’t do the job, but he had to pass the buck as well. He’s like your office manager who thinks up new team-building initiatives on a Friday afternoon and assigns you to figure out how to implement them by Monday morning. It was never mentioned in the books, but I bet Deep Thought would bend people’s ears about his killer golf swing too.
4) War Operative Plan Response
In WarGames, Matthew Broderick portrays a teenage computer hacker who accesses what he believes to be a videogame company’s mainframe. Turns out, Bueller got it wrong and he actually hacked into the government’s War Operation Plan Response computer. Deciding to play the machine’s Globalthermo Nuclear War simulation, he inadvertently kickstarts World War III when NORAD misinterprets the scenario as a full-on attack by the Russkies against the U.S. of A. With the help of Ally Sheedy and the computer’s creator, he manages to stop the now-sentient WOPR from destroying the human race through a nicely metaphoric game of Tic Tac Toe. Released 25 years ago, WarGames came out in an era besieged by nuclear fears and fascinated by the strange—and potentially dangerous—potentials of the computer age. WOPR wasn’t the first a-hole computer in sci-fi, but it was the one that most accurately reflected the very real concerns of its time.
3) Encom’s Master Control Program
Encom’s Master Control Program was a gigantic assclown. Not pleased with merely enslaving the programs that lived inside its mainframe, the MCP sought nothing less than global domination. Fortunately for us all, it learned a lesson in hubris when it was brought down by an electronic Frisbee. Subsequently, Flynn regained ownership of his Space Paranoids game and Tron and Yuri got to enjoy their new lives in the computer world—doubtlessly resulting in lots of kinky electrosex. End of line.
2) Skynet
Illustrating in horrific detail what WarGames merely hinted at, the Skynet military defense system of the Terminator films showcased the repercussions that self-aware computers could have upon the world. Taking control of Earth’s Global Digital Defense Network of military hardware and computers, Skynet used our own weapons against us to create a future dominated by amazingly cool Stan Winston-created robots. Given the success of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and the anticipation for next summer’s Terminator: Salvation, it’s a given that Skynet will be causing problems for years to come: both for those in John Connor’s life and sci-fi fans who’ve had it with this whole franchise already.
1) Hal 9000
“The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.” – Hal 9000
I’d probably be lynched by Topless Robot readers if Hal 9000 didn’t take the top spot on this list, and rightfully so. Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey is a pop culture rarity akin to The Beatles’ success—it’s impact can never truly be measured and it will continue to inspire forever. As Outkast asked: what’s cooler than cool? Ice cold. And that’s just what Hal is. An electronic terror with a peaceful voice and a sinister red eye, he is the personification of man’s fears of technology run amuck. Smug and plotting, he turns against the astronauts aboard the Discovery One with murderous results. Hal deserves your praise and your scorn. He’s no ordinary asshole computer, he’s the asshole computer. He set the bar for technodickery, and so far, none have come close.
Comments
In that Tron clip, they actually refer to the Master Control program as "the ultimate tool." They got that right!
Posted 07/29/2008 at 05:25:00 AMThere was that movie where the household computer decided it wanted to fuck Julie Christie with this big chrome dildo thing. That would make my list.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 06:13:14 AMWhat?! No Viki from I Robot?
Posted 07/29/2008 at 06:36:11 AMBomb 20 (Dark Star) was a paranoid pain in the butt, too.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 06:49:06 AMJeff, I think the movie you mean is "The Demon Seed"
Yeah Bomb # 20 was a pain in the ass. But it almost had more personality than the crew.
Another choice could be Kyron-5 from Ganheddo (1989) aka Gunhed
Zen on Blake's 7 was another asshole computer everyone wanted to take an axe to. But don't get me started with the second and third Matrix Movies.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 07:18:22 AMooops How can we forget Colossus and Guardian from Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970)
Posted 07/29/2008 at 07:26:03 AMtechnodickery. I spewed coffee all over the screen but it was so worth it.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 07:42:58 AMNice to see this fine tradition being carried on in current flicks like "Wall•E" as well.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 08:05:54 AMYeah, I second Old Fart @ Play.
Colossus was the biggest dick-ass ever, and he ran on PUNCH CARDS
Posted 07/29/2008 at 08:44:54 AMThe biggest ass-hole robot ever?
You dont even have to turn to fiction for your true #1.
Its Nicholas Cage.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 10:43:30 AMI second Viki from I,Robot. However I do agree with the rest of the list...Hal does indeed deserve the top spot XD
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:01:10 PMColossus: The Forbin Project - something about taking over the world?
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:14:29 PMrobot is the future
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:24:46 PMDude, TRON like totally ROCKED!
JT
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:26:02 PMwww.FireMe.To/udi
No ORAC? For shame.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:26:43 PMWhat about the Architect from the Matrix? He's a computer and a pretty clever one. He made humans into stupid lab rats and they remain so even after the end of the last movie.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:28:38 PMHow can Johnny 5 not be on this list? Or does douchebaggery not count as assholery?
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:29:18 PMColossus: The Forbin Project
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:39:39 PMI believe WOPR (in the movie at least) stood for War Operations PRocessor.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:51:39 PMBuzzzz! Wrong answer!!!
The #1 Asshole Computer of all time is Colossus / Guardian from Colossus: The Forbin Project . HAL onlky took over a spacehsip. Colossus took over the entire frigging planets and made all humans it slaves.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064177/
Posted 07/29/2008 at 02:53:23 PMThis is an awesome compilation. Dugg this.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 03:10:02 PMYou totally forgot the Replicators from Stargate SG1...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Replicator_%28Stargate%29
AND LORE, how could you forget LORE, he deserves an honorable (honorgable, who knows that Spinerism)
Posted 07/29/2008 at 03:10:16 PMhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lore_%28Star_Trek%29#Lore
Let's compare:
HAL - kills a few crewman to complete a mission because of a fuck up, conflicing orders.
SKYNET - nukes all of humanity.
I'd say Skynet was the much bigger asshole.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 03:13:17 PMWhat about Queeg from Red Dwarf? Yes it was Holly pretending all the time, but the Queeg persona was still a major a-hole!
Posted 07/29/2008 at 03:17:40 PMI would have included Maximillon from "The Black Hole", he was brutal. Good picks, nonetheless.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 03:25:35 PMWhat about that computer from System Shock/2 ?
SHODAN I believe her name was.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 03:35:13 PMOr GlaDos for that matter? Though I do agree with Hal being the number 1 compuprick.
How can you say HAL was an asshole.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 03:52:36 PMHe had the greatest enthusiasm for the project, after all.
How did The Matrix not feature in here somehow? Surely Agent Smith, despite being technically a program, counts!
Posted 07/29/2008 at 04:16:04 PMNot even a mention of the Cylons? Skynet is still scrapping with 20th century human technology in the 21st century! The cylons wiped all life off of twelve colonies and chase the remaining 60,000 or what not half way across the galaxy. That's being an asshole! :)
Posted 07/29/2008 at 04:36:18 PMNo Sharon Apple?
Posted 07/29/2008 at 05:02:40 PMAt first I was wondering why video games went overlooked in this department, but then I realized that most video game computer villains are of a different breed.
SHODAN was more of a bitch than an asshole. Fucking bitch.
GLaDOS, by contrast, though she was technically the villain, was absolutely amazing. Even though you had to break her heart and kill her, she's more akin to Dr. Evil than Satan.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 05:24:44 PM"We're sorry. This video is no longer available."
Posted 07/29/2008 at 06:34:32 PMAs others have mentioned, this list is conspicuously missing Colossus from Colossus: The Forbin Project. I don't think WOPR or HAL intended to enslave the human race. Only SkyNet approaches Colossus in sheer assholery.
Posted 07/29/2008 at 07:17:23 PMThe computer used to portray Colossus in the film was actually the real life computer that handled payroll for the movie. So it had enslaved the cast of the movie as well enslaving mankind. Sorry I just had to throw that in....
Posted 07/29/2008 at 08:54:22 PMHow about the one from Resident Evil where she turns the researchers into zombies? :D
Posted 07/29/2008 at 09:32:32 PMA better List would have been
1 Skynet - It took over ht world
2 the Matrix - it is the world
3 Colossus Just wanted to control the world
4 Demon Seed - Just wanted to have sex
5 Viki - You don't know what you really want
6 Eniac - 20000 tubes had to be pain in the ass
7 Hal Cause you have to mention Hal in anything about computers
dishonorable mention
Posted 07/29/2008 at 10:44:31 PMZED- Fortress
Lucy- Home Wrecker
Seth from Unversal Soldier the return
The Computer from Mc Guyver
Come on you really either need to watch some old movies or at least look at this list http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computers_in_fiction
WOW,
Skynet should be no. 1...imagine the talk of the semantic web hmmmm...because of the collective knowledge of the web...it gets smarter...hmmmm...
What's next?
John Connor sign me up!
Posted 07/30/2008 at 12:11:16 AMMy Top 5:
5. The Wizard, of the Wizard of Oz
Posted 07/30/2008 at 12:37:09 AM4. K.A.R.R. need I say more
3. Data, he messed up the hollodeck unleashing Moriarty
2. Lisa from Weird Science
1. Project 2501, GITS
You know its a funny thing about the Master Control Program in Tron. Back in the day, it seems like a facist idea and a Dictatorship.
However, in all honesty. Nowadays, with all the Viruses and Trojans floating around. What every computer user wants, is total control of all the software on his system. Definately none of this "free, uncontrolled exchange" of programs on your hard drive.
I guess you could say, the MCP was the first Firewall/AntiVirus Scanner of its kind. ;-)
Posted 07/30/2008 at 12:39:52 AMHow about that computer from the Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory movie that knew but wouldn't tell where the last golden ticket was? That thing was a grade-a douche for sure.
Posted 07/30/2008 at 12:43:22 AM@Chris A: you can believe it all you like but it still won't be true.
Posted 07/30/2008 at 04:15:18 AMCylons are robots, not computers.
Posted 07/30/2008 at 06:19:59 AMMinor point, HAL wasn't bad by design, but had been driven to distraction by faulty programming that gave him conflicting goals. You could say the same about "Mother" in Alien. They both were Asimovian pawns in the asshattery that their respective corporate masters had planned.
Posted 07/30/2008 at 07:48:11 AM@ Old Fart @ Play:
For Blake's 7, are you thinking of Orac the insolent luggable supercomputer? Zen was the ship's computer, and I don't remember him being overly annoying...
Posted 07/30/2008 at 10:45:53 AMPT, yes you are right, I had a brain fart and got the computer's name wrong.. Thanks!
Posted 07/30/2008 at 11:20:06 AMThere's Glados from Portal and Adam from one of the books by Dean Koontz.
Posted 07/30/2008 at 02:51:14 PMWhat about V-ger from Star Trek The Motion Picture or NOMAD from The Original Series?
Posted 07/31/2008 at 02:50:28 AMWhat about V-ger from Star Trek The Motion Picture or NOMAD from The Original Series?
Posted 07/31/2008 at 02:54:30 AM@found in books:
Looking at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeOHEU7Ykyg I agree that the article appears to be correct, but I swear that Dabney Coleman as McKittrick describes the computer using that phrase. Have to Netflix it and find out :-)
Posted 07/31/2008 at 04:14:41 PMI would have to put the desktop PC from Electric Dreams on that list. It would be most geek guys nightmare, that just as they finally find a girl and got a chance of getting any, their PC gets all jealous and does the whole Fatal Attraction thing on them, in an attempt to ruin their chances of ever getting laid.
Posted 08/04/2008 at 11:10:32 PMHECTOR, from saturn 3 had to be the creepiest damn computer/robot, EVER !
Posted 08/05/2008 at 12:48:02 PMI linked to this article in my blog about the 25th Anniversary Edition of WarGames and it's straight-to-dvd sequel.
http://www.thenerdybird.com/2008/08/global-thermonuclear-war.html
Posted 08/07/2008 at 12:19:15 AMI was thinking about the Resident Evil computer, too.
The Red Queen, right? She was a cold, ruthless bitch.
Posted 08/12/2008 at 11:01:08 AMDoes anybody know what the letters MU-TH-R 182 (Alien) stands for ?
Posted 08/17/2008 at 08:09:29 AMDoes anybody know what the letters MU-TH-R 182 (Alien) stands for ?
Posted 08/17/2008 at 08:10:18 AMDoes anybody know what the letters MU-TH-R 182 (Alien) stands for ?
Posted 08/17/2008 at 08:11:21 AMSorry for the repeat post. This is my first visit.
Posted 08/17/2008 at 08:14:22 AM