By Rob Bricken in
Movies
Thursday, Oct. 2 2008 @ 4:21PM
Any of you poor souls who still have some hope for the live-action G.I. Joe movie...I...I don't know how to break this to you. Frankly, you should just close your browser and go fix yourself a stiff drink, because you're going to be a lot happier not knowing, because knowing this is half a battle you can't win. If you must continue, don't say I didn't warn you. Let's start gently, with the less bad news.
That's "Duke," or rather, "actor" Channing Tatum filming some scene in that ridiculous body armor director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) has all the Joes wearing. Now, I was hoping that the armor was just that terrible "speed-suit" thing that the Joes would wear for a little bit, but this makes it look like this is in fact their uniforms.
It's worth pointing out that the armor the guys wore in Starship Troopers—set several centuries in the future where they fight giant bugs—looks more realistic and soldier-y than these things. Seriously, Robocop looked more like G.I. Joe than this nonsense. My buddy Zach Oat and I were discussing these things, and we came to the solemn conclusion if they had simply put all the Joes in tiger stripes it would have been better—at least we could have pretended they were in Tiger Force.
Okay. Now comes the worse part.
This is fucking Snake Eyes. Without his mask or visor. Why he has latex over his entire face I don't know. Why his lips are sculpted into his face-latex, in what appears to be a saucy little smile, I also don't know. Why he looks so pudgy, I honestly cannot tell you. Why his armor is tucked into his pants remains a total fucking mystery to me. And why is God letting any of this happen? Because he hates us. (Via Just Jared)
29 comments
Comments
Fishdick said:
Is that an electric socket on Dukes leg?
John said:
I'm going to keep repeating my mantra: "At least the Baroness looks right, at least the Baroness looks right, at least the Baroness looks right..."
*pours gin while chanting*
Fishdick said:
I don't know about that anymore, Snake Eyes looked sick in the first released pictures too. They'll find some way to fuck it up. I'm reaching for the tequila this time...
Niko said:
Th...that's Snake Eyes?! How the hell did they screw that up?
Paul said:
Yeah, I'm really scared. I can't believe they have to have some sort of face on Snake Eyes, don't they remember when the nerd masses were excited when FUGGING SNAKE EYES LOOKED LIKE SNAKE EYES!?!
Sorry, I'm entering a crazy nerd rage right now.
sal said:
Looks like some Sigma Six Crap...Snake Eyes seems like the Jar Jar Binks of the Joes
astrokender said:
Ass-cheek armor.
Riiiight.
*facepalms*
MyNoNos said:
This is an abortion of all of my fondest childhood memories.
FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!!
I don't understand how they fucked Snake Eyes up???
WTF!?!
I am just gonna load the syringe and pump the whiskey!
Isn't that Ray park? WTF happened to that guy?
Maybe he is wearing some sort of warm up pants like basketball players...and maybe he has goggles to cover his eyes...and maybe Megan Fox is gonna stop by my place tonight for the sweet sweet loving.
Seriously my day is fucked. That has put me in a terrible fucking mood.
Frumps said:
I know I've seen that Snake Eyes suit somewhere...
Hey, anyone remember that movie Star Kid?
This whole thing makes me /vomit.
toxic said:
Hey guys?
It's GI JOE.
It never had any artistic integrity. Really this is entirely in line with your childhood memories, except you were stupid then.
Golem said:
Duke in armor?
Apparently in the time between the cartoon and the movie, Cobra took some marksmanship classes! The old Duke didn't care because he knew Cobra couldn't hit shit!
winzerous said:
Hmm... this GIJOE softcore movie is starting to look way better now.
Trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTIQVdxmyEI
Trailer for Snake Eyes Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36DiNcaorV4
Savage said:
I'm glad I had no hope for this movie since the beginning. (Much like the Dragonball movie.) Nothing can compare to the original goodness.
Sensaes said:
Movies into toys = fair enough + ker-ching!
Toys into movies = it's time to grow up now. Really.
Tom Selleck said:
OH MY GOD THEY TOTALLY RUINED THE CHARACTERS FROM THAT TWENTY-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN'S CARTOON SHOW!
Seriously, though, you think if you took Channing Tatum's butt armor off you could bake a cake in it and have Channing Tatum butt cake?
Also, I had no idea Michael Chiklis had been cast as Snake Eyes.
Changuito P. said:
Mmmmm these are kind of old pictures, back at
hisstank.com they already ate these alive like 3-4 months ago, i don't think Snake Eyes is going to appear without his googles , and i think the V.2 of the action figure had it showing the mouth a little under the mask .
But that Duke Armor really sucks.
Chauncy said:
Dude.
I haven't genuinely laughed out loud at a blog posting since who-knows-how-long.
thanks for the laugh.
u_nick said:
LOL, I wonder what important part of the story that crew member talking to Snake Eyes will be in... Oh thats right, they obviously arent filming. God forbid they let the Ray Park take off the 20 year old cartoon style glasses and give him some goddamn pants to wear on the set.
Not saying that the movie wont be complete garbage or anything, but behind the scenes pics? Seriously?
:P
ranchoth said:
Heh. 'bet "Cobra-La" don't seem so stupid NOW, does it?
Jason said:
I honestly haven't went to the movies since Return of the King and it looks as this movie won't be breaking that streak. Also, the phrase "Saucy little smile" is possibly the greatest phrase ever.
Meh said:
Count Spatula said:
It's possible that what Snake Eyes is wearing is a muscle suit for under the actual suit to give it more definition. Maybe.
mittens said:
fuck my life.
neugin said:
Star wars prequels, The insane way Indiana Jones was done, Frickin' Gay Hutts and complete non star wars opening of 'Clone Wars' and now G.I. Joe.
Hollywood please, invest in some astroglide at least! My childhood's ass can't handle this much brutal rapings.
DRT said:
HaHaHaHaHah.... Butt armor and lips on Snake-Eyes. HaHaHa!
I had NO faith in this movie when I first heard about it, and this just adds more to the confirmation.
This movie is gonna suck.
Oh well. It took me up in till 2 days ago to see Transformers. I'll probably wait till it hits FX for it's 2 year every weekend run.
This is Dragonball bad.
firehoze_85 said:
ok big fan of G.I.Joe but havent really followed alot about the movie yet but......
i know its not colored green but i see that picture and i dont think of snake i think of Destro
come on full body get up like that with only the eyes showing im thinking its all for some crazy cgi crap full a nutjob silver man not a crafty asian.....
B4M4Robb said:
Looks like Sommers is planning to screw up everything sacred and is aiming for an ill advised cross over: Check out the armor on Duke's upper left thigh, it's a fucking electrical outlet so Tony Stark can plug in his transistor-powered heart activator. It's starting to look like Michael Chiklis wasn't the best chioce to play Snake-Eyes.
Anonymous said:
This is proof that you really shouldn't judge a movie by the pictures from the set. Cause I just saw it. Snake eyes didnt look pudgy, and Duke only wore that suit for one chase scene. Honestly some of it was a little ridiculous, but overall it was an awesome movie.
Leo said:
I know this article is old, but I had to comment...
Dear author,
I can not help but laugh hysterically while reading your blog. Have you ever heard the phrase, "never judge a book by its cover?" The movie was far from being great, but it was even further from being what you made it out to be. What on God's Earth made you think that Snake Eyes would look like that in the actual movie? Also, my first impression of that suit that Duke is wearing makes me think "Armor." For some odd reason, you thought "normal suit." This is what happens when you walk into things with a negative mindset. I'd truly hate to be in your world.
