Knowing is Half the Sorrow
Posted at 4:21 PM Oct 02, 2008
Any of you poor souls who still have some hope for the live-action G.I. Joe movie...I...I don't know how to break this to you. Frankly, you should just close your browser and go fix yourself a stiff drink, because you're going to be a lot happier not knowing, because knowing this is half a battle you can't win. If you must continue, don't say I didn't warn you. Let's start gently, with the less bad news.
That's "Duke," or rather, "actor" Channing Tatum filming some scene in that ridiculous body armor director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) has all the Joes wearing. Now, I was hoping that the armor was just that terrible "speed-suit" thing that the Joes would wear for a little bit, but this makes it look like this is in fact their uniforms.
It's worth pointing out that the armor the guys wore in Starship Troopers—set several centuries in the future where they fight giant bugs—looks more realistic and soldier-y than these things. Seriously, Robocop looked more like G.I. Joe than this nonsense. My buddy Zach Oat and I were discussing these things, and we came to the solemn conclusion if they had simply put all the Joes in tiger stripes it would have been better—at least we could have pretended they were in Tiger Force.
Okay. Now comes the worse part.
This is fucking Snake Eyes. Without his mask or visor. Why he has latex over his entire face I don't know. Why his lips are sculpted into his face-latex, in what appears to be a saucy little smile, I also don't know. Why he looks so pudgy, I honestly cannot tell you. Why his armor is tucked into his pants remains a total fucking mystery to me. And why is God letting any of this happen? Because he hates us. (Via Just Jared)
Comments
Is that an electric socket on Dukes leg?
Posted 10/02/2008 at 01:26:22 PMI'm going to keep repeating my mantra: "At least the Baroness looks right, at least the Baroness looks right, at least the Baroness looks right..."
*pours gin while chanting*
Posted 10/02/2008 at 01:29:19 PMI don't know about that anymore, Snake Eyes looked sick in the first released pictures too. They'll find some way to fuck it up. I'm reaching for the tequila this time...
Posted 10/02/2008 at 01:45:52 PMTh...that's Snake Eyes?! How the hell did they screw that up?
Posted 10/02/2008 at 01:49:53 PMYeah, I'm really scared. I can't believe they have to have some sort of face on Snake Eyes, don't they remember when the nerd masses were excited when FUGGING SNAKE EYES LOOKED LIKE SNAKE EYES!?!
Sorry, I'm entering a crazy nerd rage right now.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 01:50:00 PMLooks like some Sigma Six Crap...Snake Eyes seems like the Jar Jar Binks of the Joes
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:00:59 PMAss-cheek armor.
Riiiight.
*facepalms*
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:01:47 PMThis is an abortion of all of my fondest childhood memories.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:07:16 PMFUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!!
I don't understand how they fucked Snake Eyes up???
WTF!?!
I am just gonna load the syringe and pump the whiskey!
Isn't that Ray park? WTF happened to that guy?
Maybe he is wearing some sort of warm up pants like basketball players...and maybe he has goggles to cover his eyes...and maybe Megan Fox is gonna stop by my place tonight for the sweet sweet loving.
Seriously my day is fucked. That has put me in a terrible fucking mood.
I know I've seen that Snake Eyes suit somewhere...
Hey, anyone remember that movie Star Kid?
This whole thing makes me /vomit.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:22:35 PMHey guys?
It's GI JOE.
It never had any artistic integrity. Really this is entirely in line with your childhood memories, except you were stupid then.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:28:25 PMDuke in armor?
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:32:25 PMApparently in the time between the cartoon and the movie, Cobra took some marksmanship classes! The old Duke didn't care because he knew Cobra couldn't hit shit!
Hmm... this GIJOE softcore movie is starting to look way better now.
Trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTIQVdxmyEI
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:44:02 PMTrailer for Snake Eyes Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36DiNcaorV4
I'm glad I had no hope for this movie since the beginning. (Much like the Dragonball movie.) Nothing can compare to the original goodness.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 02:44:15 PMMovies into toys = fair enough + ker-ching!
Posted 10/02/2008 at 03:25:08 PMToys into movies = it's time to grow up now. Really.
OH MY GOD THEY TOTALLY RUINED THE CHARACTERS FROM THAT TWENTY-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN'S CARTOON SHOW!
Seriously, though, you think if you took Channing Tatum's butt armor off you could bake a cake in it and have Channing Tatum butt cake?
Also, I had no idea Michael Chiklis had been cast as Snake Eyes.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 04:27:27 PMMmmmm these are kind of old pictures, back at
hisstank.com they already ate these alive like 3-4 months ago, i don't think Snake Eyes is going to appear without his googles , and i think the V.2 of the action figure had it showing the mouth a little under the mask .
But that Duke Armor really sucks.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 04:38:13 PMDude.
I haven't genuinely laughed out loud at a blog posting since who-knows-how-long.
thanks for the laugh.
Posted 10/02/2008 at 06:03:24 PMLOL, I wonder what important part of the story that crew member talking to Snake Eyes will be in... Oh thats right, they obviously arent filming. God forbid they let the Ray Park take off the 20 year old cartoon style glasses and give him some goddamn pants to wear on the set.
Not saying that the movie wont be complete garbage or anything, but behind the scenes pics? Seriously?
:P
Posted 10/02/2008 at 07:16:52 PMHeh. 'bet "Cobra-La" don't seem so stupid NOW, does it?
Posted 10/03/2008 at 12:00:27 AMI honestly haven't went to the movies since Return of the King and it looks as this movie won't be breaking that streak. Also, the phrase "Saucy little smile" is possibly the greatest phrase ever.
Posted 10/03/2008 at 05:14:11 AMhttp://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/news/gi-joe/scarlett-firstlook-opt.jpg
Enough said.
Posted 10/03/2008 at 06:31:02 AMIt's possible that what Snake Eyes is wearing is a muscle suit for under the actual suit to give it more definition. Maybe.
Posted 10/03/2008 at 07:27:44 AMfuck my life.
Posted 10/03/2008 at 08:49:27 AMStar wars prequels, The insane way Indiana Jones was done, Frickin' Gay Hutts and complete non star wars opening of 'Clone Wars' and now G.I. Joe.
Hollywood please, invest in some astroglide at least! My childhood's ass can't handle this much brutal rapings.
Posted 10/03/2008 at 11:34:36 AMHaHaHaHaHah.... Butt armor and lips on Snake-Eyes. HaHaHa!
I had NO faith in this movie when I first heard about it, and this just adds more to the confirmation.
This movie is gonna suck.
Oh well. It took me up in till 2 days ago to see Transformers. I'll probably wait till it hits FX for it's 2 year every weekend run.
This is Dragonball bad.
Posted 10/03/2008 at 07:44:14 PMok big fan of G.I.Joe but havent really followed alot about the movie yet but......
Posted 10/03/2008 at 09:31:03 PMi know its not colored green but i see that picture and i dont think of snake i think of Destro
come on full body get up like that with only the eyes showing im thinking its all for some crazy cgi crap full a nutjob silver man not a crafty asian.....
Looks like Sommers is planning to screw up everything sacred and is aiming for an ill advised cross over: Check out the armor on Duke's upper left thigh, it's a fucking electrical outlet so Tony Stark can plug in his transistor-powered heart activator. It's starting to look like Michael Chiklis wasn't the best chioce to play Snake-Eyes.
Posted 10/09/2008 at 11:05:10 AM