By Rob Bricken in
Comics, Daily Lists
Thursday, Oct. 9 2008 @ 5:03AM
By Alicia Ashby
Stan Lee’s genius as a creator is self-evident. His characters make billions of dollars for Marvel Comics, his stories are still in print in Marvel’s Essential line, and his work pretty much created the modern superhero comic as we know it. And yet, and yet… look, let’s face it: Stan Lee wasn’t a good writer in any conventional sense of the term. In fact, he was frequently a batshit insane writer, and he ended up writing some incredibly stupid things. Comics fans have, for the most part, chosen to collectively forget Stan’s dumber moments, but that’s no reason for the rest of us assholes to let him slide.
Presented here, for your amusement and probably disapproval, are the ten dumbest things Stan Lee ever wrote in his run on the Avengers. His run includes the first 34 issues of the book, which pretty much set up every single basic type of Avengers plot that later writers would proceed to run into the ground. There are some good stories in this run, but also a lot of stupid fight scenes, dead-end plot threads, and jaw-droppingly inane banter. Here’s the worst of the worst… and just think, Stan pulled all this off in the course of a single-run.
10) Your Uncle Eats Pickles, Avengers #22 (1965)
The Set-Up: The Enchantress comes back to menace an Avengers line-up consisting of Captain America, Quicksilver, Hawkeye, and Scarlet Witch with a villain named Power Man. His gimmick is that he has all the powers of Wonder Man, an earlier villain who kicked the collective asses of the previous line-up that included Thor, Iron Man, and Giant-Man. This leaves the line-up where the heavy hitters are Guy With Bow and Guy Who Runs Fast pretty boned, right?
What actually goes down is that the Enchantress inexplicably decides to use Power Man to frame the Avengers, leading to the team being declared a public menace and asked to leave New York. Since, hey, if Power Man actually just fought them, the story would be about twelve pages long and extremely depressing. Anyway, this meanders through a lot of padding to the inevitable manhunt for the Avengers, complete with a montage-esque scene of lurid headlines and reactions from the man on the street… and this:
I can only hope this was Stan’s Code-approved alternative to having the kid say “Your uncle sucks cocks!” The alternatives are too stupid to contemplate.
9) Mind-Tapping Is Still Legal, Avengers #34 (1966)
The Set-Up: All you really need to know here is that issue #34 is the debut of the Living Laser, a villain based entirely on Stan Lee not understanding what lasers are. The Living Laser is actually Arthur Parks, a research scientist who became a criminal to impress Lucy Barton, an ex-lover who jilted him in favor of a guy who didn’t have an insane obsession with lasers.
There are a lot of ways of interpreting this panel that are just full-on fucking terrifying, because it really seems to express Stan’s inner, 1984-ish desire to revel in god-like power he wields over his creations. Let’s not attribute weird fictional malice where old-fashioned stupidity will do, though. Yes, Stan, it’s kinda crazy how you have the ability to completely expose any character’s motivations by careful thought balloon placement. It might even be one of the most off-putting things about writing stories from third-person omniscient view! Maybe you shouldn’t be fucking pointing that out to us.
8) Don’t Disturb Me Now, Wanda! Avengers #18 (1965)
The Set-Up: In Avengers #16, Thor and Iron-Man disappeared into solo plotlines while Giant-Man and the Wasp decided they’d had their fill of punching guys for awhile. So you had the famous and then-controversial roster change, where Hawkeye, Quicksilver, and the Scarlet Witch replaced them with Cap hanging around to lead. Quicksilver’s tenure as an Avenger in the Stan Lee-written issues was pretty miserable, because… well, this is as close as he ever came to having a personality.
That’s right: Quicksilver’s only two character traits were being an asshole, and really liking him some circus acrobats. And Hawkeye was also an asshole, so that first one didn’t really count. Why circus acrobats, for fuck’s sake? Just so the one time Quicksilver does try to join a circus, it ends up being the fucking Circus of Crime?
7) Captain America is Gay for Nick Fury, Avengers #15, 18 & 19 (1965)
The Set-Up: As you can see, this is one of the few really ill-advised Avengers plot threads that managed to run through several issues, and just about every time it was mentioned it resulted in Captain America doing something that was stupid and creepy in a way that went way above and beyond the homosocial call of duty.
It makes sense on the face of it: Captain America is bummed out about not having a job now that he’s unfrozen in the 1960s, so he writes to Nick Fury in hopes of getting a job at S.H.I.E.L.D. The problem from there is that Cap is depicted as wanting that job at S.H.I.E.L.D. the way a fourteen-year-old girl desperately wants to get a phone call from that cute boy in math class.
I mean, just look at Cap when he does get a reply to his letter. It’s as if Dazzling Don Heck here somehow went forward in time and found a way to Photoshop Miley Cyrus’s head onto him.
If you’re wondering what ultimately came of this plotline, well… absolutely nothing. The response Cap gets above is actually sent by the Swordsman, a bad guy who wanted to hold Cap hostage in order to force the other Avengers to vote him in as a member. (Yeah, look, I don’t know.) A few issues after that Cap has to go to S.H.I.E.L.D. to get some information on the coded white supremacist group The Sons of the Serpent, and then acts like meeting Nick Fury ain’t no thang. Maybe Cap was just trying to keep Nick from breaking his heart again.
6) Ham Radio! Avengers #1 (1963)
The Set-Up: The plot of the first Avengers issue called for Loki to make the Hulk look like a public menace by using some trickery to make it appear like he was going on a destructive rampage that could kill countless civilians. In fact, the Hulk was on a destructive rampage that, as usual, was somehow incapable of hurting anyone. Once the Hulk’s dopey sidekick Rick Jones hears about this, he decides someone needs to get some other superheroes on the case… with the power of ham radio!
Yes, Rick Jones really did have a nationwide network of teenagers with attitude and radio transmitters who were, apparently, able to instantly contact everyone from the government to the goddamn Fantastic Four in the name of the Hulk. Such is the power of ham radio! Their modern equivalent would be Rick Jones’s livejournal list, I guess, with the power to send IMs to the superheroes and government agencies of their choice via their fucking iPhones.
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23 comments
Comments
Kris said:
Actually, Thor uses that inter dimensional portal thing quite often. It's how he gets between Asgard and Earth a lot of times. There's covers showing him making portals.
That's a well established power that tends to be overlooked due to it's questionable usefulness.
D said:
All these opinions, espcially the one pointed out about Thor already are freaking STUPID.
Jesse said:
Yeah, this is a pretty awful article. I get that it's trying to be funny, but it's pretty pointless and fails to even come close to being funny.
Good try?
SammyC said:
Well, I think you 3 are wrong. First, if Thor makes interdimensional portals to travel to Asgard all the time, then why didn't he use it here to send the ship to a specific place? Why send them somewhere random if he can control where he sends them? Also, saying that the ability to create interdimensional portals is of "questionable usefulness" is just dumb. That would be an awesome power. Basically teleportation that can be used on a large scale.
Secondly, I think this list is quite funny, and certainly accurate in pointing out the ridiculousness of Mr. Lee's writing. I was never an Avenger fan (X-Men for me), but I have long thought that Stan Lee wrote some god awful ridiculous stuff, and I personally found it quite entertaining to have some of the more humorous examples collected here for my amusement.
Suck it?
Chalwa said:
"Suck it?"
hahahahahah!
Your lame attempt to get an article out with this lame-ass concept is made even LAMER by ridiculing the people making comments!
Damn dude.
Maybe I should say "If you had IT to suck, hahah!" Then meet you outside at 3:15.
And "X-Men for me"? Damn, gay.
And you ridiculed Cap and Fury?
Friginator said:
I'm honestly shocked that my favorite stupid moment was left out. It's from issue 1 or 2. The Avengers meet a bunch of kids, and one of the kids meets Thor and says,
"Wow! Wait 'til I tell my dad I touched your hammer!"
SammyC said:
Hey Chalwa, I can't make it at 3:15, how does 4:36 work for you? Anyways I might be dickless and gay, but at least I am smarter than you and Stan Lee combined.
I did not write this article, some chick named Alicia Ashby did. So you just make no sense. But you said I am gay and have no dick, so I guess if we were in 3rd grade you would win the argument. But you're an idiot, so you lose. In life.
Jxn said:
What amazes me about No.4 is that the writer of this article didn't point out what's really dumb about that panel: Transistors Don't Power Shit!
How dumb are you that you didn't spot that?
Funny article though.
Nametastic said:
Are we surprised that Steve is gay for Nick Fury? Who wouldn't be?
HNutz said:
Kinda weird for Cap to leave that big ass gap in his writing. Unless he KNEW someone was looking over his shoulder or something, and then it's kinda considerate.
=)
william said:
lets be fair. Stan Lee was also writing virtually EVERY other book, as well as being art director, editor, and so forth- something else no other comics creator has duplicated with the sheer number of titles under him. Whether or not comics were more 'simple' then- and considering how many wordless splash page pin-up fests that current comics are, i'd argue that even dated writing is less 'simple' than wordless pin-ups- Stan wrote and did his best to keep the entire line in order, so he can get away with some hokey ideas, i'd think.
Eugene said:
This article was awesome. And Stan Lee's ridiculous is also awesome.
Sean D. Martin said:
Lets be fair twice. Jack Kirby was often drawing the books based on general plot outlines from Lee. So it's as likely Zemo walking on kneeling natives was something Kirby came up with that Lee had to provide words for.
Snoodle said:
Great list!
I may also point out that in that Hulk-clown attrocity, the seal appears to have legs...>.>
Alan Bryan said:
Here are 2 other examples; though one may just be due to Kirby's drawing than Stan's writing.
I believe it was Avengers #5 or 6 and Tony Stark was smoking a cigarette while charging up his armor.
Only time I can recall him smoking...but with a bad heart?
The other thing was I think again in Avengers 5 or 6.
Giant Man opened Cap's shield like a pocket watch (the Wasp's description) and it had all these electronics inside.
Plus Cap controlled it with magnets on his wrist.
I believe it was the ONLY time the shield ever was opened up and these gadgets were forgotten.
Jay said:
Article rating: 1/5
Alicia Ashby is our misfortune.
DreadZone said:
To Alan Bryan----Actually, the idea of Cap's shield having hidden magnetis and circuitry controlled by magnets in his forearm was used more than just that once. In fact, it was supposed to be a new, post-thaw gimmick, likely meant to bring Cap more in step with the swingin' sixties. The idea didn't last very long---but it did stick around long enough to inspire a Cap solo story in Tales of Suspense: A gang of criminals spends ten pages unsuccessfully fighting Cap in order to steal his shield. Apparently there was some vault door that could only be opened by some complicated magnetic device and the gang thought Cap's gimmicked-up shield would do the job. Unfortunately for them, all the lumps they took were for nothing: It turns out Cap had gotten rid of all the magnets and whatnot months ago, because he Just Didn't Need Them. Stan and Jack,folks, Doin' It Right!
Ruben Schwartz said:
Alicia, you say Stan Lee wasn't a good writer?
Sure, there were silly bits from time to time in nearly all comics back in the day. Hell, there still are to this day (and in movies, TV, etc.). Stan Lee could write some goofy stuff, but he also wrote some fantastic stories.
You actually has the balls to claim Stan wasn't a good writer. Gee, Stan's stories have inspired generations of people, and film and TV shows have "adapated" those stories, or outright ripped them off for years.
Meanwhile, you write a web blog.
Hm.
Smarmy said:
All of you bozos are idiotically wrong. The majority of comic book readers (those who aren't nerd tripping Stan Lee worshippers) don't mind the truth: that he was human and had some stupid ideas, just like pretty much everyone. Except Barack Obama? This article is hilariously written and researched. Kudos. Don't let the yammering, drooling, whining, Spiderman-suit-wearing anime-reading public get you down.
Oh, they write a weblog. What do you do? Make whiny comments on weblogs?
Hm.
Ty Conderoga said:
Considering the attitude of most Ham radio operators in those days - they damn sure didn't want a bunch of unsupervised teens clogging up the ten-meter band as they wound up doing to the 11-meter (CB) band over a decade later anyway - the second the "Teen Brigade" got on the air, some old Elmer would have popped in the middle, claimed the QSO attempt was a violation of at least 23 different sections of Part 97, and then called the rest of his buddies to turn up their footwarmers, fry the birds resting on their Yagis and Quads, and proceed into an hours-long discussion of whose rig sounded 5-by-5 and whether or not a Cantenna could be tweaked to withstand 5K *and* not blow up the next-door-neighbor's tv set.
And yeah, they had to be at least General Class license holders to use voice communications...
Evan Waters said:
I think #3 happened before they established that it was anger that made Bruce Hulk out. They tried a few other things before that, and I think around this time it was just whenever his Gamma Ray treatment wore off (i.e. whenever the writers needed it to.)
Still a contrivance, of course.
Heisanevilgenius said:
Ruben: Yes, Stan Lee was a bad writer. At least as far as dialogue and plot twists go. I think he was more of an idea guy.
wrlord said:
What absolute horseshit. Stan Lee knows how to write a story and create characters, unlike most of today's "writers". There's a reason people keep retelling his stories. As for his dialogue, it fit right in with the times. That's how we talked in New York back then. But you suburban weenies wouldn't know anything about that.
