By Brian Heiler
Halloween is beyond screwed up. Basically, it's a night every year where we send children to strangers' houses, where they are allowed to demand candy. And these strangers, rather than lock these children in their basements, actually give it to them! (Mostly.) Of course, children don't worry about the dangers of sexual predators or their inevitable type 2 diabetes; instead, they only worry about what kind of candy will pour out of their sack after their night's work is done. What did they get? How many candy bars? How much crap? Is their younger sister still stupid enough to trade her Smarties for their Bit-O-Honeys?
Yes, the Halloween trick or treat bag is filled with delicious highs and disgusting, mean-spirited lows each season. And whether you were trick-or-treating last year or several decades ago, the list of the candy that rocked and the candy that sucked has stayed remarkably the same. Today, we discuss both.
There really isn’t anything wrong with a sucker, but there's also nothing particularly right. It's just generic hard candy on a stick—there's a reason you get suckers at the doctor's, when you get a haircut, when your mom goes to the bank, or any time an adult who isn't your parent or guardian needs you to shut up and stop crying. You can't possibly be excited by suckers at Halloween after receiving so many for so long. You only eat the suckers from your Halloween swag in late November, when your candy supply has dwindled to “Donner Party” levels.
4) Candy Corn
For reasons unknown, candy corn is one of the staples of Halloween, despite it tasting like stale wax with a slight sugar coating. It looks like the diseased teeth of a dragon that eats children. It is only given out to kids by the very elderly, who are still trying to tune into FDR's fireside chats, or by twisted sadists who obviously hate children, because candy corn is fucking disgusting. Like magic—dark, evil magic—there has never been a piece of candy corn that tasted like it was made in the same decade it was consumed.
There was a time when getting a penny meant something. This was when a child could go on down to the general store and get eighteen Jimmies, a pack of Lucky Strikes and a fine pair of sock garters. However, times have changed, women can vote, socks just magically stay up and pennies are now just a copper burden on all of society. By giving them to children, you are simply telling them that you are too cheap to buy candy and wish to humiliate them by giving them the contents of your couch cushions. The sole item a child can buy with pennies is a package of matches, which hopefully they will use to start a fire on your property.
Thanks to urban legends about our nation's plethora of razor blades and psychos, nature’s candy has gotten a bum rap that will have most parents tossing out the most nutritious thing received on Halloween night. Of course, you’re a moron to give out apples in the first place; even the Amish know that they ’re bad hoodoo. Children likely started many of the rumors about razor blades, because nobody wants a friggin' apple on Halloween.
There is nothing more passive-aggressive than giving out a freaking toothbrush on Halloween. If you’ve ever done it or are planning to, please punch yourself in the groin. The people who give out such things are also the same folks who bring you “socks at Christmas” and the co-favorite “school supplies on your fucking birthday." Give these out, and know that the universe will eventually repay you—in the form of children egging and/or toilet-papering your house, hopefully.
The best is yet to come! Seriously, it's on the next page.