The 5 Crappiest and Greatest Halloween Treats

By Rob Bricken in Daily Lists
Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 5:02 am


5) McDonalds Gift Certificates
What's better than candy? Fast food. McDonalds gift certificates were more common in the past, when we used to blame fat children on their parents instead of society as a whole, but they're still pretty sweet. Sure, you aren't that thrilled when someone drops a few in your bag, but a few weeks later, when you're able to get a Happy Meal and a Hot Apple Pie at the same time, you going to thank that dude in your bedtime prayers. These things are like junk food savings bonds.

4) Bags of Chips
Nothing cleanses the pallet after having devoured several dozen mini-Snickers and Three Musketeers better than some greasy potato chips. Those tiny bags just give you the right amount of salt and delicious trans-fat to stop you from slipping in a diabetic coma...which in turn allows you to continue to eat more candy. Awesome! And there hasn't been a psycho yet who bothered to put a razor blade in a bag of chips.

3) Tootsie Roll Pops and Blow Pops (tie)
Now these suckers meant something. Both were huge—big enough to seriously hurt your younger sibling if you hurled it at them—so they were high on the quantity scale; and thanks to their second candies inside, high on the quality scale as well. Sure, Blow Pops had the traditionally better flavors—cherry, sour apple, blue raspberry—to go with gum, but for many kids, that switch from a fruit-flavored sucker to the chocolate center of a Tootsie Roll Pop was like a gourmet experience. Hard orange candy and chocolate Tootsie roll? The textures, the flavors—they blend so well!

2) Reese’s Cups
Small. Single. Multi-pack. Big. Mini. All Reese's Cups are all awesome, all the time. There's reason why people say things go together "like peanut butter and chocolate," and that's because peanut butter and chocolate is awesome. There was also a decent chance you could actually sell the Reese's Cups to your parents and make a nice little profit.

1) Full-Sized Candy Bars
Most Halloween candy is made up of small versions of traditional candy bars—the 2 1/2-inch ones—or the minis, which are just an inch. Both are fine. More than adequate, really. But sometimes, when you're out walking on Halloween night, you see a few kids run past you to a house up ahead. Then a few more. And then you run, because you know—you know—that there is great shit being given out at that house. And ithere, an upper-middle-class couple with no kids and no real concept of Halloween is handing out full-sized candy bars.

This is like winning the Halloween lottery. You grab one, and run off to a few more houses, then run back. You try to figure out a way to make your costume look different—maybe you switch masks with your buddy. The couple looks confused, but doesn't ask why Dracula is wearing a Batman mask, because they aren't sure if it's a new show they haven't heard of, and you grab another candy bar. Ten minutes later, and you're back, waiting in line with countless other kids who figured out the gold rush was here. The couple tells you that this is the last one, and you mumble agreement as you grab it. It is indeed the last one, because these people have run out of all of their candy in 30 minutes. They won't repeat there mistake ever again. and you've probably disturbed them greatly, by revealing that greed is endemic to humanity, even at its most innocent. But you have three whole candy bars. So whatever.

Email Print

Sponsor Content