By Bryan Hartzheim
American children have grown on a diet of Nestle’s Quik and Dunkaroos, Hershey’s chocolates and Slim Jims, pork rinds, Twinkies, and whatever other barely legal garbage you can find permanently stationed at the express checkout counter. Snacks and candies evolve, but the perennial goods from our youth are eternal.
The Japanese are exactly the same. They have their ever-evolving Koala’s March and Pocky cookies taking funky new shapes and flavors, but their staples are fixed, forever to be doled out by the neighborhood granny from her dilapidated snack box. Well, maybe not exactly the same, unless you think eating a fermented squid on a stick is similar to licking a Charms Blow Pop. They have their hits: Bontan chewies, whose translucent goo is sticky but not overly sweet. And then there are the misses: a portable yogurt made entirely out of chalky powder. Behold five of the most fun and delicious classic Japanese kids’ snacks conceived, and then flip the page for five of the most horrifying snacks to kick you in the nuts (if your nuts were in your mouth).
THE BEST:
5) Shot of Ramen
If you’re in a hurry and don’t have time to prepare an entire bowl of steaming hot delicious ramen, just take a shot of seasoned dried noodles. At only 10 yen (approx. 10 cents), it’s infinitely cheaper and infinitely more unsatisfying than a regular bowl of ramen, but kids can’t complain since they’re poor and one shot of ramen might fill them up, they being small and Japanese. Still, the ramen shots work even now for us larger, working folk as a nice mid-hour pick-me-up, along with two to seven cans of beer.
4) Little Ice Cream Cones
A cup of Haagen Daaz costs over three dollars in Japan, and there’s no Ben n’ Jerry’s over there, either. Invention, meet necessity. She’s your mother. Really though, how could Americans have not invented this first? It’s so ridiculously simple: sponge cones filled with whipped sugar or marshmallow. Sure, real ice cream might be better, but real ice cream can’t be brought into class and nibbled on through the duration of a lecture on the solar system or, uh, The Tale of Genji. Maybe Space Ice Cream can, but the prices are astronomical (zing!) and really, they taste like filmy shit after a couple packs. These tiny ice creams cost mere pennies. Pennies! Note the pattern here: all of these snacks are dirt cheap.
3) Milk-flavoring Powder
Fuck chocolate milk. Or rather, fuck only chocolate milk. If candy companies can invent a chocolate or strawberry milk powder, surely then there can be a banana, melon, and coffee milk powder as well. This last one is so good—a bit of espresso drenched with sugar and milk—that hot springs will sell them ice cold in small milk bottles outside in changing rooms for a hundred yen (one dollar).
2) King Donut and Mini Pancakes
“Deliciousness brings on smiles”? Fuck yes, it does. Especially when you can get a donut with a winking cow on it for a quarter. The hotcakes are actually more like the traditional dorayaki red-bean pancake than our American butter-coated flapjacks, since there are two smaller pancakes sandwiching congealed maple syrup. The same Twinkie-questions, however, apply: “Why don’t they spoil when they’re composed of bread and milk and eggs?” Answer: “Lots of delicious preservatives.”
1) Fugashi and Kinako Stick (tie)
Two of the classiest of the classics. The fugashi is a bakery wonder: a batter cut into long blocks, baked twice to a golden brown, and then showered in brown sugar. Its texture, a combination of sponge, air, and flake, is like a cross between a soft piece of sugar toast and a croissant.
Kinako bou, on the other hand, are viscid mochi covered in soybean powder, which might sound disgusting but is actually delicious since it’s not as diabetes-inducingly sweet as powdered sugar, yet possesses the same texture along with a hint of bean. Kinako bou are a cheap version of the more refined kinako mochi that kids eat for the New Year’s holiday in Japan. Best of all, there’s a toothpick included in the package to eat the messy sticks, and if there’s a seal on the toothpick, you get to have another pack free.
Hit the jump for the worst. Be warned—squid is involved (of course).
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