By Rob Bricken in
Daily Lists, TV
Friday, Feb. 27 2009 @ 5:03AM
 |
The end of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica is near after almost five years of quality television. For the cynics, the expectations are pretty high for an utterly depressing conclusion to the utterly depressing series. For the optimists...what show have you been watching? BSG has been nothing but sadness and death and failure and devastation throughout its four seasons -- and with only four episodes to go, we sincerely doubt they're going to stop now. Based on the incredibly tragic events that have happened so far, here are 20 potential conclusions to this series. Bring a hanky.
20) Kara Thrace accepts her role as the destroyer of humanity, loads up a raptor full of nukes, destroys Galactica and most of the fleet. Those who escape, including Lee Adama, succumb to a horrible disease within days that causes everyone to die horribly, with massive boils all over their bodies and blood shooting out of their eyeballs.
19) Galactica continues to wander aimlessly through space. Most of the people on the ship have killed themselves. Admiral Adama takes a gun and shoots everyone in the CIC on Galactica, then has the ship smash into a nearby planet. Panning away we see that the planet was Mars.
18) The non-humanoid Cylons rebel against Cavil. He and his fellow humanoid Cylons seek refuge with Galactica and Admiral Adama willingly accepts. Without the interference of the humanoid Cylons, the non-humanoid Cylons quickly and efficiently destroy the fleet and the few surviving humans.
17) Roslin has a vision that there is a place that everyone will find sanctuary. She knows the location, and we watch her spend the entire last episode trying to convince the fleet to follow her. After an emotional, heartfelt speech to the fleet, everyone follows her lead. She inputs a series of coordinates for the jump and the fleet ends up outside the event horizon of a black hole, unable to escape. Roslin then adlibs that they will soon "Find sanctuary in heaven!" The last few minutes involve every ship being ripped apart and people screaming.
16) The Fleet finally finds a habitable planet to land on. Everyone, human and Cylon, put down their weapons and join together to build a future together in peace. They are soon attacked on the planet by the indigenous life forms, bone-devouring giant worms. Since they no longer have weapons, nobody can defend themselves. The last hour of the series is filled with groups of people running from the worms and failing, then getting their bones sucked out and eaten with horrible crunching sounds.
15) The Arrow of Apollo, when placed in a giant barrel of water, ends up pointing in the direction of Earth, the real Earth, like a compass. Following its guidance, the Fleet ends up on Caprica, which turns out to have been Earth all along. There is a suggestion to go to a third place called "Terra," according to an ancient stone tablet found on New Caprica. Admiral Adama says "Frak this," and shoots himself in the head.
14) A switch goes off in everyone's head and everyone can hear the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer." It is then realized that everyone in the fleet is really a Cylon. Another pre-programmed switch goes off and everyone gathers what ever ropes, wire or clothing strong enough to support their weight and hangs themselves. The show ends with an hour-long montage of everyone's hanging dead bodies with moaning choral music playing in the background.
13) Baltar's followers take over the fleet and he promises to lead them all to "a new promised land." A lone marine shoot Baltar in the chest. As Baltar lays dying, Six appears and tells him that he is "The Chosen One because without him the universe doesn't exist." As he dies, the universe disappears. His last thoughts are "I knew it, the universe revolves around me!" The song over the closing credits is entitled "Baltar is Awesome" sung by Amy Winehouse.
12) Galen has a vision of a future in which babies are made into robots on a giant assembly line. Kara has a vision of the past in which she is made of a lot of smaller robots. Adama has a vision in which he is fighting the Cylons in the first Cylon War. Roslin has a vision of a far away and powerful land where nobody ever dies, nobody ever gets sick. Lee has a vision of Dee dancing on the head of a pin. Soon everyone realizes that they are all dying due to a lack of oxygen and are suffering severe brain damage. Before they can do anything, Baltar has a vision that he sets off a nuclear bomb in Galactica's hangar bay, which turns out not to be a vision. The whole thing turns out to be a vision of Tricia Helfer who finds herself disconnected from a life support machine after falling and hitting her head on a table during the filming of the 2004 T.V. mini-Series for Galactica. She is replaced by Anna Torv.
11) The ship runs out of algae. Order breaks down as the remaining humans turn to cannibalism to survive. Adama is forced to eat Roslin, and cries while eating her. It is revealed that the only difference between humans and humanoid Cylons is that the Cylons have a delicious "ranch" flavor.
1 | 2
Tags: Battlestar Galactica
47 comments
Comments
thevarrior said:
Mind - the last week's episode (Deadlock) was utter shit. I'm still cautiously optimistic that it'll end up being a well crafted ending, even if, yes, it's depressing.
20) That was good up to the point with the boiling eyeballs
19) Meh.
18) Nope. The Centurion subplot was dropped.
17) I think I just had chills.
16) MUAD'DIB
15) So he grew the balls to do it himself?
14) No, motherfucker.
13) How is it a surprise that the universe revolves around Baltar?
12) Anna Torv? I hope you die in a fire.
11) OM NOM NOM SOYLENT GREEN
10) Lame.
9) Fuck you for even suggesting airlocking the old man.
8) That already happened. Keep up with the times.
7) It's "daggit", not dog, you idiot.
6) And then the Enterprise beams everyone to safety. The end.
5) I wish to castrate you right here and now.
4) I dunno what you're talking about, their supply of moonshine is unending.
3) You forgot the part where he jerks off, his cum splashing onto the camera
2) And then everyone who watches the show shoots themself in the head.
1) The wiki already exists, mate. http://www.battlestarwiki.org. And way to spill our state secrets.
chad said:
cool list though the ones where everyone dies in horrible ways will not happend for the censors would cut out any of that though some one setting off a nuke would not suprize me at all as the ending.
MikeTheLibrarian said:
0.5) They travel back through time and end up colonizing Kobol in the past, becoming their own ancestors and starting the whole cycle over again. "This has happened before, and it will happen again."
Hembree said:
That's hilarious - and I don't even watch this show. Awesome list.
Hembree said:
That's hilarious - and I don't even watch this show. Awesome list.
varrior said:
0.25) Tricia Helfer morphs into an old-style Centurion and raids a casino planet
MightyGolfer said:
This shit wasn't funny
neugin said:
they die from severe food poisoning as a result of chowing down KFC's 'Frack Packs' The rest of the episode is spent showing them slipping on each other's vomit in hilarious ways, various crew members uniforms/ get yanked off to reveal scandalous underwear, all while 'yakkity sax' play in the background.
Brion said:
I missed the first season of BSG and never had a chance to get into it. But this show is massively depressing eh? Maybe that's a good thing that I've missed it, I cry like a baby when I get into good shows. Me = Lame.
Chris Fairfield said:
0.125) Galactica finds an inhabitable planet that turns out to be our Earth circa 1980. Before the Episode closes we're told that all the unresolved plotlines will be resolved in Sci-Fi's new series "Galactica '80'".
ZeroCorpse said:
Why are so many people fixated on the idea that what they found wasn't the "real" Earth? It's pretty much implied that WE (Earth humans) are the 13th Tribe (which is made up of humaniform Cylons who have long since forgotten our origins).
There's no trick here. THAT WAS EARTH. *OUR* Earth. In the future.
It's pretty obvious where this is all going, too. The ship (Galactica) is the metaphor for what needs to happen with the Cylons & Humans. Like the ship, they're breaking down, falling apart, and will die unless they COMBINE and become a gestalt of human/Cylon ideas, materials, and technologies.
Oh, and Kara's a clone. Remember when she was in the freaky lab? Yep.
No mysteries left, really, except the "how?"
Brett said:
I really, really hope it's number 1. I would go back and watch the show from the beginning if that's how it ended.
Xanthippas said:
19) Galactica continues to wander aimlessly through space. Most of the people on the ship have killed themselves. Admiral Adama takes a gun and shoots everyone in the CIC on Galactica, then has the ship smash into a nearby planet. Panning away we see that the planet was Mars.
See, I thought you were going to say it ends with Adam playing chess with two robots shortly before a nuclear warhead goes off.
Xanthippas said:
Sigh...I meant Adama of course. And now that I think about it, it was probably cards. But fucking whatever.
Chris Fairfield said:
@ZeroCorpse: It's true, they found our Earth and it blew. As for my scenario, my (not-so) comedic ramblings don't always match my actual beliefs.
I, also, figure that Kara existence will be explained away by her time in the ovary harvesting lab. However, another important question is: Who cloned her, put her in Orbit around Earth, and then sent her back to the Nebula to meet with the fleet?
Paul said:
I liked 17, that would be an awesome way to end the show.
varrior said:
ZeroCorpse - trust me, it's hard to shake the "OMG THAT WAS LIEK TERRA/EARTH1 people." They're mostly nuts. Although it's debatable if that's Earth in the future or the past.
And yeah, Starbuck could probably be explained well with the cloned ovary thing... but how the hell did she get stuck in the middle of a Nebula with a brand new Viper and her tats, scars, everything still there? So yeah. There's still a third party orchestrating this crap, methinks.
Darren said:
In the last episode, Baltar will wake up beside #6 and we'll all realize that the entire series was just a bad dream. He'll get dressed and head out into the Caprican sunlight (with willowing #6 silhouetted in the doorway) without a care in the world.
Since this is a SciFi Network joint, some idiot dressed in leather breeches (played by Ted Raimi of course!) will come screaming down the street shouting something about "The capybaras are coming!!". Baltar will turn and find himself face-to-face with a hideous onslaught of mutant capybaras with 3 eyes and 6 foot fangs.
Baltar will shriek and the screen will go blank.
wtf_lol said:
The last episode will probably end like the Star Trek Voyager ending... time travel ftw anyone?
steveasat said:
Adama finally returns from his long sojourn in the Black Lodge, Starbuck challenges herself to a fistfight, Snape kills Baltar, Cavil declares himself Skynet and begins researching time travel.
Amelie said:
Seasons of despair and failure? Was Bush on this show?
CylonTerminator said:
The ship is falling apart? Morale has collapsed? People are desperate? There's no hope? Must be Commander Obama!
jpyke said:
And the award for most shockingly unwarranted online vitriol goes to....thevarrior!
Seriously...why is it that online anonymity unleashes peoples inner-asshole?
Salmon said:
What, no Grace Park / #8 / Boomer / Athena in this lesbian 4-way?
She's the hottest woman on the show, people!
Gavino said:
jpyke - are you sure you're reading what thevarrior said correctly? Seems cool to me.
g.o.d said:
no.21
When Cavil's fleet shows up, Adama orders to make one desperate jump. The fleet appears above mysterious planet.They send a recon force, after few days, one ground team finds a mysterious artifact in one forest.They're studying it when Cavil's fleets jumps in. He opens fire and manages to destroy several colonial vesels and Galactica is heavily damaged and is venting the oxygen. Back on the surface Baltar is curious what could be inside that artifact. He opens it and bright ray of light iluminates the sky. Moments after, we see Cavil crying and shouting "what have I done?!?!?" His Baseships stop firing and then, for no reason they jump into the nearby Sun. War's over. Few days after an epic battle, they discover they're on the Earth in the very famous Vancouver forest.
Rob said:
"Those who escape, including Lee Adama, succumb to a horrible disease within days that causes everyone to die horribly, with massive boils all over their bodies and blood shooting out of their eyeballs."
this is the bubonic plague.
AC said:
#21) The show writers and producers are filmed being beaten half-to-death over two hours by angry ex-fans wielding pipes.
nightcrawler666 said:
They are all in the bar, Adama puts Journey on the jukebox, someone comes in and he turn towards it. Screen goes black.
Or did another show do that already?
Anastashia said:
Just hilarious, I especially liked #10 'cause well...All of this has happened before, All of this will happen again.
Mike M said:
The entire thing takes place in the autistic imagination of twelve-year-old Tommy Westfal.
chalwa said:
thevarrior not varrior.
he's talking about the first comment.
Tighclops said:
Another possible ending:
Galactica encounters another battlestar, completely identical to herself except for a gigantic, crappy looking goatee on the forward section of the hull. Everyone aboard realizes the horrible truth - Galactica itself is a cylon, and Evil Galactica, populated entirely by duplicates of the crew of Galactica (except they are sporting goatees) has come to replace them.
Ronald D. Moore and David Eick then walk out on camera, flip off the audience, and laugh, saying "We got you to watch this show for five years and this is the ending we planned on doing from the beginning. Thanks for the money, bitches!"
Tighclops said:
Oh, and some possible ideas for your "terrible Galactica spinoffs" scenario -
The Adama - Tigh Power Hour - Features Adama and Tigh drinking continously, fighting and viciously insulting one another, then making up in especially bromancey fashion, with the occasional special episode where they both dual wield guns and go a-killin'. Viewers are encouraged to attempt to keep up with the characters on screen drinking.
Laura Roslin Reacts to Things - The show simply features Laura Roslin sitting in Colonial One while various aides come in and give her depressing news, followed by close ups on her face during her emotional reaction to them.
The Zany Adventures of Dr. Gauis Baltar - A show that follows Baltar and his life in the fleet. Heavily relies on scenes of Baltar getting caught by people while he is having sex with Head Six for humor.
Battlestar: Sick Bay - A E.R. style show featuring Doc Cottle. Features Scrubs-style daydreams where Cottle imagines wacky scenarios taking place in sick bay.
The Lost Boys Mysteries - An animated show starring Boxey, Milo, and Jake the Dog solving crimes in the fleet. Jake the Dog can talk, of course.
Mike said:
22) Anders wakes up and reveals Cavil's ultimate weakness: music. Starbuck is called upon to sing "All Along The Watchtower" with Anders on guitar and Lee on bass. Their rocking proves so awesome that it annihilates Cavil's forces and the fleet decides to head back to Kobol where the cycle begins again.
varrior said:
@jpyke - vitriol? Did you read my post? I was poking fun...
dhusk said:
0) Adama realizes that there is no hope, and mercy-kills that last surviving humans aboard the ships with ampules of nerve gas he'd secretly placed throughout the fleet for that eventuality. In the closing moments of the show, a spectacular light illuminates the bridge, now lifeless for months with the mummified crew, revealing three mysterious figures materializing out of nowhere.
These strangers investigate the computer records, and learn of the sad fate of the crew and the surrounding fleet. Then Kirk shakes his head, turns to Spock, and says, "Say, you don't think they mistook one of those duplicate Earths we're always tripping across for the real one, do you?"
Paul said:
Are you guys all missing your meds? Its not meant to be buffy the vampire slayer. To be more like the real life, you know, that place where you live in your parents basement.
Series has been one of the best scifi in years.
TonyR said:
Rejected Battlestar Galactica Endings
1. The fleet arrives in orbit around modern-day Earth, circa 2003, and is immediately nuked into oblivion by Vice President Dick Cheney.
2. It was all a dream. Adama wakes up at a bed-and-breakfast in Connecticut.
3. It was all a dream. Starbuck wakes up with a customer yelling at her to "hurry up with that low-fat, no foam grande latte!"
4. It was all a dream. Number 6 wakes up distrubed by thoughts of electric sheep.
5. It was all a dream. Baltar wakes up having grown a pair.
Derekp said:
I think i've seen this somewhere before…but it's not bad at all
derekpm said:
Rather interesting. Has few times re-read for this purpose to remember. Thanks for interesting article. Waiting for trackback
Mackeran said:
Hmm... I read blogs on a similar topic, but i never visited your blog. I added it to favorites and i'll be your constant reader.
Clemento said:
I really like your blog and i respect your work. I'll be a frequent visitor.
Brown said:
In truth, immediately i didn't understand the essence. But after re-reading all at once became clear.
Clemento said:
Мегареспектос! Прочитал с интересом от начала и до конца.
Bunker said:
Мегареспектос! Прочитал с интересом от начала и до конца.
fernie dz said:
well i thought the thing sucked at first but by the 1st episode i fell in love with it the best dam show in my live those who dont think so fuck off
