Tuesday, May. 19 2009 @ 5:00AM
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It's hard to believe that when Star Wars came out, there were exactly zero toys lining store shelves. In fact, many kids at Christmas 1977 got an empty box -- the legendary Kenner "Early Bird" special -- promising them Star Wars figures at a later point in '78, and that was as good as it got. Nowadays, the shelves at Toys R Us are lined with action figures and playsets based on whatever big summer movies are due for release, regardless of whether those movies are going to be any good or not, and regardless of whether people actually want toys of them. Indeed, the discount stores of the world still have figures based on terrible summer movies and terrible toys based on decent summer movies from the last 20 years or so, just because no child in his or her right mind would have ever wanted them. So while you wait for Speed Racer figures to be marked down even further, here are the top 10.
10) Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Mego had sold millions of Mr. Spock dolls based on reruns of the '60s TV series, so they anticipated a windfall with the 1979 motion picture. Maybe it was the film's cerebral (i.e., boring) storyline that sunk the toyline, or maybe it was the fact that Kirk and company's new uniforms made them look like they were wearing "footy" pajamas, but either way, kids wanted nothing to do with them. More likely, it was just the fact that there were plenty of Star Wars toys available by then, and kids weren't going to put down their X -Wings to join Starfleet.
9) The Flintstones
Sure, this live-action treatment of the animated and prehistoric Honeymooners rip-off did well at the box office, but the good folks at Mattel overthought and made action figures that looked like a strange marriage of the cartoon and the movie. Seeing John Goodman's disproportionate head on a dwarf cartoon body is almost as bad as seeing Rosie O'Donnell playing Betty (almost). Kids didn't bite on the inbred-looking cave folk and these toys remained Yabba-dabba-duds.
8) Waterworld
A movie so expensive that its bad press sunk it before it even hit the screens, Waterworld's toyline never stood a chance. Kenner, always looking for another Lucas cash cow, snuck out some figures and playsets much like one farts in a crowded movie theater, and then counted their losses.
7) Planet of the Apes
Remaking the '60s classic was a horrible idea, even with Tim Burton at the helm, and casting Mark Wahlberg in the Charlton Heston role made it worse. Hasbro phoned in some clunky and strangely posed action figures as if they were protesting the movie themselves. A big hit for one weekend, kids forgot the new Planet of the Apes by the time they left the theater
6) Dick Tracy
While Warren Beatty's odd passion project Dick Tracy was well received by audiences and critics, it didn't inspire children to put on yellow trenchcoats and talk '30s gangster slang, possibly because kids don't read the comics page anymore and have no idea who Dick Tracy is. Playmates made a series of cartoon-y figures styled after their biggest hit, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the result were ugly, squatting characters that all somehow resembled actor Ed Asner (including the Madonna figure). With no momentum beyond the movie, Dick Tracy was forgotten by a fickle youth swept up in "Urkel Mania."
5) The Shadow
It's rare that a superhero movie is a big hit with audiences if they've never heard of the character; it's even rarer kids will buy the toys. Based on the radio mystery man, The Shadow film -- starring Alec Baldwin in a fake nose -- went nowhere and the somewhat bland toy line was almost as invisible as the title character. Kenner, to their credit, seemed to smell failure and reused many of the figure parts from other more, successful toylines and minimized their losses.
4) Little Nicky
Adam Sandler's least successful live-action film (let's not discuss 8 Crazy Nights) was also the only one to have an action figure series, and by McFarlane, no less! It's not exactly known what about this film -- whose highlights include Satan torturing Hitler by sticking a pineapple up his ass -- Todd McFarlane thought would make for great toys, but then again, he's richer and therefore smarter than me.
3) Wild Wild West
This big budget adaptation of the beloved but largely forgotten '60s TV series was generally rejected by the movie going public despite having the once in a lifetime comedic genius pairing of Will Smith and Kevin Kline. X-Toys' ambitious lines of figures were grim reminders of two hours poorly spent.
2) Coneheads
Sure, these Playmates figures were pretty accurate looking, but the Coneheads hadn't exactly been relevant since 1978. It's not really known who even demanded this movie, let alone merchandise, more than 15 years later. The Coneheads figures hung on shelves until the late '90s and its failure luckily prevented a "Two Wild and Crazy Guys" movie the next summer. So it wasn't all bad.
1) Battlefield Earth
Thanks to the boffo sales of Phantom Menace toys a year earlier, Trendmasters took a sci-fi gamble with this supposedly ambitious adaptation of L Ron Hubbard's novel and not only struck out but somehow managed to smash themselves in the nuts with the bat. The critics howled as Travolta ate scenery while cavemen flew jets through the film's gaping plot holes. The public stayed away in droves and had no desire to purchase the talking Terl doll that said non-classic Travolta lines such as ''Exterminate all man-animals at will''" and "you wouldn't last one day in the academy." While the real Travolta went and hid during this debacle, he was easily found at retail. It's likely if you haunt your local K-B you can still find one.
69 comments
Comments
Glorious Cheese said:
'Little Nicky' was a movie? All this time I thought it was a Popeye's Chicken infomercial ... seriously, that film was the worst example of product placement run amuck that I've ever seen.
GalvaTRION said:
The Rifftrack for Battlefield Earth makes it all worthwhile.
Those Star Trek figures have real nice birthin' hips.
Yakko said:
Man, nobody will accept that "The Shadow" is a decent movie if you can manage to turn your brain off for 2 hours.
WARNING: If you can do this, make sure you know how to turn your brain back on afterward. Otherwise complications may ensue (i.e. HELLO COMMUNITY COLLEGE!!)
cummins said:
Great article. My love for all things Michael McKean made me buy his Conehead figure along with the rest of the assortment dirt cheap. They are currently sitting in a box in my basement. Sad really.
jdwolff said:
I believe the absolutely terrible Super Mario Bros. movie toys deserve a mention.
http://www.tons-of-toys.com/english_item_details.php?codice=5502
On the plus side, a 12-inch Dennis Hopper means that you can reenact Blue Velvet with your GI Joes.
Gasstank said:
I really hate it when companies release toys with like 5 or less points or articulation. None of these toys even have elbow joints for christ's sake. I'll cut the Star Trek toys some slack because they were made back when even the Star Wars toys had super shitty articulation.
Kid Nicky said:
I used to work at a KB Toys,and I swear they had the other guy (West's partner) from Wild Wild West up until THIS YEAR when they closed down. Hell,we had Planet of the Apes figures until 2007.
On an unrelated note,KB Toys went bankrupt for some reason.
varrior said:
Dear Lord. Battlefield Earth.
Lol @ TMP ST uniforms. They have McCoy and his disco suit.
chad said:
this list proves that the toy buying public is smart enough not to touch things like little Nicky just like the movie going audience that and toy companies will make toys of any thing coming out of holly wood even if it like this list hits them in the end.not to mention the nightmares seeing the battlefield earth toys in stores must have caused kids
OJ said:
Stepping away from the fact that I had Kirk, Spock and McCoy from the original motion picture...
Cam someone tell me if I'm the only one who desperately wanted the Kyle McGlaughlin and Sting Dolls that I made my mom get me from the Original Dune release?
Literally drove through a Blizzard to get them. And yes, I was still a kid (8 or so I guess) and no, Neither Blue Velvet nor Twin Peaks existed yet.
Kyle said:
I remember having Shadow toys when I was a kid, also water world toys
flyingleap said:
The Waterworld figure would be a winner in my book if one of the accessories was a urine purifier.
Liter One said:
Because I appreciated the comic of The Shadow, I always had a fondness for the flick when I saw it back in the day. The movie was on TV last week... it is a horrible movie. Just WOW! That's all I got.
DJ Maniak said:
@OJ:
I still have my Feyd figure from Dune somewhere in storage.
And I only bought him about 10 years ago MOC.
ABS said:
you forgot "Dune" figures
scott hall said:
Man you left out some gems on this list, this easily could have been a top 20.
Armageddon!? I mean seriously who doesnt want an action figure of bruce willis in a space suit????
Mr. Melon said:
I actually used to have that Little Nicky figure about 8 years ago. I may be wrong but I thing the bulldog could be filled with water so you could simulate it pissing.
Fun times.
mia said:
me and my friends all had the wild wild west toys
ThomasR said:
I remember finding the Shadow figs on sale at a KB and sending away for the Shadow Agent hologram ring - unfortunately it did not fit my 27 year-old hands..
Still have it though..
James McCullen said:
I used to have a large chunk of the Dick Tracy movie figures collection. They served as great jobbers in matches against my Hasbro WWF figures.
un lapin said:
I actually had some of the Dick Tracy action figures. And went trick-or-treating in the yellow trench coat and hat. I was not a normal kid.
lewen said:
I don't know what you are talking about. Little Nicky is great. In fact it is the only Adam Sandler movie I found palatible.
elseone replied to lewen:
Wow, no offense, but you have awful taste. Happy Gilmore was Sandlers best comedy movie, 50 First Dates was decent, even Big Daddy, Click and Anger Management were all MUCH better than Little Nicky. That movie was God awful.
Captain Flunky said:
Can I just say that having the remember info button working is fucking awesome. I'm somewhat suprised that the Tron figures are not on this list. Those were some shitty figures and Momma Flunky would only get me Tron himself and Sark. I was all bitchy that she couldn't cough up a few bucks for some guards. Its no wonder I'm a complete neurotic today! But it did teach me resourcefulness because I promptly shoplifted a lightcycle from kmart a short time afterwards. I think that actually marked the begining of the end of my childhood because the next day I shoplifted a copy of Penthouse from Waldenbooks.
Just thought I'd share.
AndyHel said:
I'll be honest, I fucking love Waterworld. Had it not been a flop I wouldn't have been able to get every toy produced in decent packaging for 30 bucks shipped. I'm happy...isn't that all that counts?
Dantheman said:
Hasbro made a Stargate movie toyline, but I think it was just mostly repurposed G.I. Joe stuff (The A.W.E. Striker was a good guy vehicle in the line, from what I can recall).
Ashton said:
I'm surprised the Last Action Hero toy line didn't make the list.
Dr. Shoggoth said:
If the Wild Wild West toys included the giant mechanical spider... it would all have been worth it.
I haven't seen that awful movie in years, and I still want a giant mechanical spider toy.
tvtastegood said:
I actually owned a bunch of the Dick Tracy toys. I loved the movie and ended up getting a book for christmas that had all the comics including the movie. It was an awesome read for a kid of 7. I never even knew they made toys for half these movies on the list! Funny how kenner made several of the toys on the list.
Loafy said:
I am also one of the few fans of The Shadow movie. And I had the action figure. I also had a few of the Star Trek TMP toys and pretty much every Dick Tracy figure. Except that elusive, SEARS only Blank, Fuck you SEARS! Nowhere on the packaging did it say she was an exclusive. And SEARS sucks for toys.
Esbat said:
I recently learned Blade had movie figures! WTF! where was I to not pick these up? oh yeah that was during those years I was "too cool" for toys.
Vanderhyde said:
Why is the Little Nicky box graced with a photo from 'Peter Petrelli, the comfort eating years'? Am I saying Adam Sandler looks fat and has lousy hair? Looks like it.
Nephilim of Sin said:
Little Nicky wasn't bad at all, but I think it was one of his first movies that was completely geared towards a target audience; burnt-out stoners from the 80's era. This film was pure 80's (except the soundtrack), and I honestly liked it a hell of a lot more than 'Grandma's Boy', which left me feeling 'meh'.
To note, I am not a burnt-out stoner, you can just tell that is who the target audience was.
jajuka said:
I'm not sure if the criticism for the no.1 spot is about the crappiness of the movie or the GYNORMOUS MAN HANDS Travolta's sporting on the figure. Maybe they'll shave the figure's head and repurpose it for the "Pelham 123" remake?
Dantheman said:
Funny thing about Last Action Hero toys: I remember a news story from the summer of '93 where a store was saying they were selling out of Kenner's Jurassic Park toys, but they still had their first shipment of Mattel's Last Action Hero figures.
I remember some saying the toys' failure was due to Arnold not allowing the toys to have realistic guns, but I think kids just didn't want toys from that movie, period.
lou-bert vs. q-bert said:
I think the Battlefield Earth toys were the real reason
Kay-Bee went out of business.
Reverend Ender said:
The only good Adam Sandler movie ever made was Happy Gilmore, end of story. All the rest sucked, and after every minute of Little Nicky, my sould died a little bit more.
I liked the Shadow, and even have the original score on cd.
Awhile back I ordered a couple of LOTR figs off of ebay I think, and threw in an Alex Rider figure that I thought would be good for fodder cuz he was really cheap. Well, he was not cheap enough. Know nothing of the movie (tv show?) but it is the worst action figure I have ever bought (held? seen?).
Stephen said:
Another big fan of The Shadow movie here. I practically did a little jig when I found a used copy on VHS back in college.
It really is one of the greatest collections of schlock in movie history. "Oh... that knife."
Asat said:
OJ, hells yeah I wanted a Mau'dib figure. But thanks to the Flintstones I got something even better - a crudely disproportionate Kyle Maclachlan in a purple toga. Now THAT'S Lyncheriffic!
Big Bad Booty Daddy said:
Did you forget about your own article about Indiana Jones toys? I'm surprised you didn't like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Jar Jar Gophers, Snake ropes, Shia Monkeys, and Crystal Alien douche bags.
No one wanted those toys. I think my Target store still has them.
Big Bad Booty Daddy said:
BTW, LOL, you said Little Nicky was a Blockbuster movie. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No one saw that movie.
Brion said:
Christ I'd bawl my eyes out if I got any of these toys! I'm glad to see some other people one here that aren't fans of Adam Sandler. Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison and films that I still watch and own till this day. After that I can't stand the hack.
Slam said:
Hey now, I loved the Shadow as a kid and had quite a few of those figures, including the one pictured.
monkey boy said:
i remember when the local newspaper sunday toy sale circular showed the first wave of mcfarlane (then known as todd toys) spawn action figures. i wanted them so bad and my parents took me out to the store, only to find that they were nowhere to be found. the pushy sales clerk tried to push some of those bullshit shadow figs on me. my parents then explained to me what "bait and switch" meant, and my innocence ne'er returned.
tony said:
I can't believe no one has mentioned Congo yet. Kenner released them the same year they did Waterworld. 1995 was not a good time for them.
Roswellianism said:
Dude, I was so freaking ecstatic when I found three "Coneheads" figures at a con a few weeks ago: Beldar in Remulakian Flight Suit, Prymaat in Remulakian Flight Suit and Beldar in Suburban Gear. I could care less if the toys didn't sell like Jurassic Park's. That Suburban Beldar figure --which is currently standing on my bookshelves next to The Tick and Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide"-- is THE BEST damn Dan Aykroyd likeness I have EVER SEEN, not counting the as-yet-unreleased "Ghostbusters" figures.
And, I'm somewhat proud to say, I do own some "Flintstones" movie toys, namely Barney (hey...it's Rick f*cking Moranis! you can not say no!) and the Flintmobile, both of which provided some hours of entertainment for me when I was a kid.
...hmmm...the more I look at that Beldar figure, the more I want to customize the hell out of it and make a movie-accurate Ray using the Beldar head and the original Ray figure from Kenner's "Real Ghostbusters" line. ...Beldar would need a hell of a lot of Dremel-ing, though....
Monte said:
I loved the Shadow. I also loved the Phantom.
I feel no shame!
Crazy Elf said:
Waterworld actually didn't flop. It didn't do well in the US, but it managed to make well over the $175 million it cost to make it (ended up grossing $264 million in box office sales, and after that it was sold on VHS and DVD). It has a lot of problems, and there's room for ridicule, but it's not the flop that it was made out to be. It's still making money.
sal said:
and subsequently, Toys-r-us still sells...like all of this crap
LBD "Nytetrayn" said:
It's likely if you haunt your local K-B you can still find one.
At this point, I figure that it's K-B that's doing the haunting...
jdwolff> Actually, I was happy about the Super Mario Bros. movie figures... in lieu of anything else remotely close, as noted in last week's contest.
And I guiltily admit, there's something mildly appealing about that Flintstones figure... might be better with regular toon Fred instead, but I digress: What's with the accessories? Flintstones was always fairly tame and relatively non-violent, save for the odd cartoon comedy violence of course, but those accessories look like they were meant to frickin' MAIM someone!
"Heeeeeeeeere's Freddy!"
knarf said:
I actually picked up the Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan) figure from Planet of the Apes after it was marked down a few times - it was the best of the bunch and looked like it could've been from the original movies.
Sean said:
Can I just say that Sam Raimi wanted to do The Shadow movie back in the day? The studio wouldn't let him, so he got Liam Neeson to put on burn-victim makeup and made Darkman instead. I really would've loved a Raimi version of The Shadow, but c'mon. The movie was awesome. It's the freaking Shadow!
If I ever get into Hollywood, I'm remaking that shit.
Carl said:
People that liked/loved The Shadow movie never read a goddamned one of the FANTASTIC pulp stories by Maxwell Grant/Walter Gibson. They make that sad thing look like gramma's baggie panties, something you never want to see on purpose! I mean, for fuck's sake, he never even shot a single person!!! What's next? Punisher goes all PG-13 and uses harsh language to stop bad guys?
Okay, I got derailed off the subject. The action figures I simply couldn't believe, were all the bullshit Aliens ones, the Gorilla Alien, the Bull Alien, etc. plus the really stupid looking soldiers which I found out later were based on a proposed cartoon, not the movie! I think one was even wearing a football jersey like he was a Joe or something! Jesus H. Christ...
Gadget Review said:
I still have the flintstone and star trek toy :)) their not so bad
kevin said:
(linkback) Interesting or Boring? The 10 Toylines Based on Blockbuster Movies Nobody Wanted [VOTE] - http://www.pikk.com/5aea1
Eriamjh said:
"Trendmasters took a sci-fi gamble with this [...] and not only struck out but somehow managed to smash themselves in the nuts with the bat."
The above line made me laugh kool-aid out my nose. And it was pink lemonade, so it stung BAD.
John Davs said:
LOL
RT
www.whos-watching.se.tc
jennifergeek said:
LOL, on the Armageddon toys... My son still has the Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck ginormous fully articulated action figures in space suits, along with the shuttle vehicle with nuclear bomb included. These were quality toys, really. Except the fingers kept falling off of Bruce... (actually amazingly detailed... and yes, these were Christmas presents, and he LOVED them).
Worst action figure, though, would have to be Princess Leia, from the re-released figures from a few years ago. Basically, they just painted the men's figures white, and gave the head buns. Who wants a muscled Princess Leia action figure?????
champthom said:
I actually had all the Shadow toys, because I remember they were only 3 for $5 in the clearance bin at Kay Bee.
I remember having the car for it which was really cool too. Anyways, since they were all so cheap, I was able to send in for a free Shadow ring and that was worth it.
jgyjfuv said:
people must buy them or else they wouldn't make them, idiot.
Kat said:
So I definitely had a few of these toys as a kid.
Sheila (@stinginthetail) said:
lol - some great choices there. I've not seen the movie, Battlefield Earth, but but i've read the book. I suspect it was so not much Travolta chewing the scenery (or even eating it), as it was they produced it as it was written by the founder of Scientology. The book is full of overblown one-dimensional characters with crap dialogue :) It's one of L. Ron Hubbard's best.
ryogasasaki said:
Am I the only one in existence that actually likes (loves, and REWATCHES) Little Nicky?!?!?!
nNark said:
It does not bespeak well of you, ryogasasaki. No, not at all.
Sadly, the coolest movies often have had the lousiest quality toys, and the great McFarlane, whose work I otherwise detest, did reset the bar on action figures for all time; BUT, so many of that awesome work was for crap! I mean, how many damn Spawn toys did anyone actually buy? Medieval Spawn, Western Spawn, Space Spawn, Construction Worker Spawn... Jeezus!
Little Nicky? Man, it's so great to hear so many people toss that one down. I thought I was bucking the tide.
Perhaps I'm just bitter because all my X-Files figures are worth zilch. Eh. Whatever... I still like toys.
Richard Davies said:
I remember a programme about bad marketing ploys, which had an interview with someone from a toy company who turned down the chance to market the Turtles toys in the UK.
To make things worse he then decided to invest in selling Bucky O'Hare toys instead which didn't really catch on as much.
Did Mac & Me have any spin off toys? I never saw that but it has been discribed as one long advert for McDonalds.
I once sent off for a figure Captain Amelia figure from Treasure Planet, which were available for a voucher on bottles of Fabreze & a small cheque. My Ex-Girlfriend might still have it.
Mike said:
I loved the Dick Tracy figures back when I was a kid. I think the only one I didn't have was The Blank, who wasn't released in the US.
The Kid said:
is it bad that I have a decent amount of these toys and enjoyed, some of the movies as well. I know for sure I had toys from The Shadow and Coneheads, but I'm not sure on the WIld Wild West figure I had I think I got that one from Burger King.
Steve the Collector said:
CONGO! Oh, man...I do remember those figures. Holy crap, they were really bad. I did keep most of the weapons though and used them for other stuff (namely 40K conversions).
Does anybody remember the god-awful JUDGE DREDD movie figures? They were horrible too.
And why no mention of GODZILLA (the movie) toys? Or how about the toys from VIRUS? Man, those stayed around at Toys R Us for years! And the Ang Lee version of THE HULK. Lots of stinkers there.
Gabbie18 said:
I don't mean to freak anyone out but I had a Beldar Conhead toy when I was younger! And I would play with it along with my other toys and Barbies!
