MY GOD IT'S FULL OF STARS

Utterly fabulous.

Wow. I wish I could not see this movie more than once.

That said, I do believe that I'm going to work hard to insert "standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum" into daily use. It should come to mean something that goes beyond the bounds of metaphoric ball-suckitude. As in: "Wow, this new Michael Bay movie sure does stand directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

That is the same line of dialogue I've used to sum up the movie. Unfortunately, my rants about how god-awful this movie have made my friends curious to see it.

I refuse to believe you watched this movie. You just guessed from what other people have told you, right?

"She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies."

Nailed it!

Yes, I almost want to see this because its so bad, WTF WTF WTF. I felt like bumblebee dancing to trite, dumb songs i was so excited about this movie, now I just to kill everyone who made it.

@ Sean T. Collins

Best comment ever, man.

First, there was "Jumping the shark". Then last year came "Nuking the fridge."

I think we have a new one: "Teabagging the Army"

The Bayformers franchise has Teabagged the Army.

Wait, you never mentioned Arcee. Was she as screwed up as you originally thought?

This is the first time I actually want to go see this movie... this shit sounds hilarious!

Wow cant wait to see your write up for the train wreck that will be GIJOE.

This movie sounds mehpic!

I don't mean this as a defense of the movie's lack of logic, but was Jetfire meant to be dead when Sam revived him with the Allspark fragment? I assumed he was in stasis lock due to his depleted energy. Maybe he was intended to be dead by the scriptwriters and I'm just projecting here. I don't remember if they specifically said he was dead or not.

Thank God! Someone else can do math. I actually laughed out loud at that scene. That, and robot heaven. It saddens me that some people actually LIKED this movie.

Arcee disappeared for most of the movie. She/They were there at the beginning, and then randomly two of them get shot, I think, near the end.

There's also "Blue Autobot" whom isn't named until they need him at the end. There's "Has swords and rollerblades" autobot as well.

The most ridiculous aspect was the US Government trying to deport the Autobots from earth... because they don't have green cards or something.

Wow. After the last one, I knew this would be bad. But still...

Transformers
Transformers 2: ROTF
Transformers 3: LMAO

I have not seen the first two, but I am looking for to LMAO, or at least LOL.

@Gasstank

There were 3 Arcees in the film and are collectively called "The Arcee Twins" (further proving that no math was involved in this film). They show up for the chase in the beginning, then practically disappear with sporadic appearances until the end of the film where two of them are destroyed with one shot each (given how thin they are, this actually makes sense...whoa...can't believe I just typed that). Nothing is shown of the fate of the third, far as I can remember.

As far as I know, this is the first time a movie has attempted to teabag an audience. They show Turturro turning to look at Devastator, who by this time is letting his steel balls flap in the wind, and then the film cuts to a closer-than-POV shot of said nuts and holds there. Seriously, what reason was there for that shot other than to attempt to teabag the audience? I'm sure Bay was ticked when he was told that the film would NOT be a 3D film, thus limiting said teabag potential.

Oh, and one thing also forgotten: there was another Transformer in the first film called Devastator, who was destroyed. Great job on continuity there.

Of course there is a robot/silicon heaven. Otherwise where would all the calculators go?

i hadn't heard of sam dying and coming back to life because the robots in heaven said he had more to do. that's funny.

the idea of these primes harvesting suns, and the fallen guy trying to harvest earth's, while not caring about human life, sounds decent. was primehood passed on to optimus, or was he one of the original guys harvesting suns? maybe that's asking too much of this movie...

the rest of it sounds dismally dumb. the first one wasn't without that dumbness either, from the sound of it tho, just not as much.

the teleportation gimmick was to let autobots(cars) keep up with decepticons(jets), wasn't it? in the cartoon autobots flew like superman anyway, which also looked silly. what else would one write?

This is my best read of the day. Really good work!!!!!

Alright, I love this website a lot, and I'm a fan of the Transformers franchise (though according to some others around here I don't deserve to call myself a fan).

I generally enjoyed the movie, and I accept that it was simplistic in plot, if not fractured. I didn't have trouble following the story, any idiot could, and I actually was able to comprehend the fight scenes. They felt a lot less scrambled than in the first movie.

But this hate filled attack on a movie, something that in and of itself gains value based on whether people like it or not, is needless. I like a good roast, but this shit's burnt to a crisp. I respect your opinion, but now you're akin to Michael Bay shoving your image down my throat forcing me to accept what this review for what it is (causeless anger?). You write for a lot more people than yourself, please don't be so especially driven to persuade us to hate something.

I frequented the site for news about the movie, and as the premiere drew closer, these updates felt more like propaganda to build your opinion. I actually went into the movie with nothing but doubts thanks to these updates and it took a little while for me to sit back and enjoy the movie.

Now I can't blame you for making me doubtful, I'm in control of my opinion to an extent, but I'm not immune to influence. So I apologize if this comment is a bit naive sounding, or mean or whatever (and I know I'm gonna get burned for sounding so childish), and I hope that in future reviews there's not as much hate.

...Then again, I reserve the right to stop reading as you reserve the right to write whatever you want.
Thus invalidating my entire comment.

You do realize that this only makes me want to see this movie, right? It's like if you told me that a particular NASCAR race would have a brutal, destructive accident in advance. Of course I'd tune in to watch that, even though I hate NASCAR.

Awesome. Now, please go see Terminator Salvation, then spend a day or two on TVtropes.org, and then write one of these up for what I can only describe is the "stupidest movie ever written". I'm a hardcore movie buff, and it says a lot that I'd call that move stupider than the movies that were likely refused by MST3K for being "too bad". Salvation is nothing but one big plot hole jammed full of tropes. I think after doing what you did here for Salvation, you'll see that it isn't only Michael Bay who doesn't get it.

@Euge You beat me to it. That is my sentiment exactly. We all "rubberneck" at an freeway accident.

This post is hilarious and very true.

And what about the "experimental" "top secret" rail gun that Tuturo gets the Navy to destroy Devestator with? Couldn't they fire it again when the other Decepticons were at the top of the pyramid?

Best line I heard when walking out of the theater:
"This was way better then the first one. It's definitely aimed more adults this time."

@scrotumizer ray

Actually, in the original cartoon. The Decepticons flew and The Autobots could not. In fact, it was interesting that The Decepticons were always more powerful.

Wow that was fucking epic!

I thought your review was entertaining enough, but this FAQ was friggin' GOLD!

Reading this and many other negative reviews completes the movie going experience for me. I've gotten more laughs from this piece than I did from the Fallen.

What happened to Wheelie in the end? He just disappeared.

Oh my fucking God!!! This is the best TR Post yet. Once again you have made me laugh out loud multiple times while sitting at my desk in my office and have made my coworkers think I'm the freaky crazy guy in the office who laughs to himself.

Well done!

That bit about the Decepticons enrolling the slut robot into classes and getting her on-campus housing was so amazing I couldn't stop laughing for a full minute.

Jesus Harold Christ! The Story to Transformers 2 has to be one of the most retarded things ever.

@bill binder,

really? my bad. i thot i saw autobots flying. i remember seeing dinobots fly and made the comment that i must be on something. maybe i was...

@drew,

this is actually a logical rant, which can never a bad thing in the face of so much illogic.

@DREW

"But this hate filled attack on a movie, something that in and of itself gains value based on whether people like it or not, is needless."

Um, what?

First time commenting here, but I just HAD TO, you absolutely stated all the things (and even more!) why I hated this movie so much. And I really don't get why most of my friends loved it, I really don't. The brain works in misterious ways. But yeah, you're dead on with this Q&A! loved it!

I truly appreciate you eviscerating this stupid film point by point. It's a truly sad commentary on all of us that it's one of the most successful movies ever made.

@Drew

I'm with you dude. I really dont understand people not being able to follow a simply story, nor following the action.

I think that the first movie's popularity has officially made it into the new thing to hate on the internet these days.

What's interesting is that I've actually read fanfiction better than the drivel described above, probably because it was written by people who actually CARE about the robots. I mean, seriously, FANFICTION. No disrespect to it, I write it, too, but it's still only written by everyday people--people that actually had a better idea of how the Transformers behave and how their world works far better than Michael Bay could ever hope to have. Plus, you know, they can COUNT.

"Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?
They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it."

I guess you hav'nt read about Rattrap?

I'm going to see this movie eventually just because of what a huge cluster fuck of a movie it is and mainly so i can make fun of it. The problem is if i were to see the movie i want it on a big screen and i also want to make out loud comments with other like minded people ala MST3K.

This is a GREAT post. Journalism at its finest. Honest and riveting. I felt like I was watching the movie ... and now I feel ill.

Didn't they fix Bumblebee's voice at the end of the last movie, why can't he talk now?

Great idea, Mechabeast! Maybe TR can sponsor showings of despised movies so we can all jeer and make fun of it, kind of like a reverse Rocky Horror Picture Show. Preferably at a drive-in!

@Mechabeast

What's stopping you from riffing on it? What's the worst that will happen, you get kicked out of a terrible movie?

@Drew

Dude I'm totally with you. People act like this should be some sort of art film. It is giant robots fighting. I wanted giant bots and explosions. I got giant bots kicking each other's ass and lots of explosions. I'm a happy guy.

I'm a huge fan. I get a little sick of people bashing this film . I think mostly it is being done because it seems like the "in" thing to do.

I loved it. At TFW2005 message boards, most people enjoyed it. Yes there were people who didn't like it, but most seemed to love it.

The so called "racist" twins.. I think people are closet racists if they see them and immediately see black. I see stupid teens. I've seen white teens act the exact same way. I've seen more white kids act like that than black. So I see them as stupid white hick gangsta wannabes. I loved those two.

I also loved Wheelie. He is a smart mouthed little bot. They used him because he is a spy and it makes more sense to send a tiny little guy who can sneak in and get the piece without attention than it does to take a 40ft tall bot to smash in the building, grab the safe crush it open for the piece.

The movie is great and doesn't deserve this level of anger and hatred.

So I was going to wait to see the movie when I could get it from net flix, but I can only get through like half the review bonus before I realize I need to see if it actually this crazy for myself first. It was the slut robot that got me that just seems too.... nuts to be real.

OMG! OMG!

Head hurt now, go sleepy bye bye.

I just figured it out! This is actually "Delta Farce" with Bumblebee and the ebonics twins replacing Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy! They even brought back Glenn Morshower as the General! Now it all makes sense! Although they should have also brought back Larry the Cable Guy. Stick a "Git R Dun" sticker on Ironhide. Perfect!

This FAQ makes me really wanna see this movie now. LOL

Hey hey! Be fair! Shia's hand was burned because of the teleportation! You can see him clutching his burnt carcass of a hand just after they arrive in Egypt but before Fox's face molests Sam's roommate's crotch.

There's really no explanation as to why it was burnt in the first place, and no one else was burnt post-teleportation, but then again, no one in the movie seemed to care, so no real reason to care about it, is there?

I loved the first Transformers movie. I thought, although goofy at times, it made sense as a coherent movie and I ignored the small bits of awkwardness (Bumblebee pissing on Sector 7 agents) in favor of 'teh awesome'.

I saw Transformers: ROTF two nights ago. When the credits rolled, I sat there awkwardly in my seat. I felt depressed, maybe even a little teary eyed.

Does anyone else here watch wrestling? You know, that no matter how much cool shit the WWE comes up with, ultimately there comes along a poop joke, a bad racial caricature, or stupid gimmick (kiss my ass club, etc.)? Often, these ideas are said to be from the mind/direction Vince McMahon.

T:ROTF felt like Vince McMahon was doing Transformers. No matter how many cool things could be inserted, it was ruined by a sad old man's juvenile sense of humor. That sort of lack of editing has completely turned me off wrestling in the past few years, I used to be a hardcore ECW fan when the original fed was still alive.

The first Transformers felt like the attitude era of pro wrestling...there was the occasional stupid skit, but there was a lot of truly great stuff going on. the second flick felt like the years after the WWE was the only game in town, a big fuck you to every fan who allowed that earlier time to become a great success.

Fuck Vince McMahon, and fuck Michael Bay.

But Rattrap007, it was an art film!
http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-finally-made-an-art-movie

Yevla. I hear ya completely about Vince. He comes up with some great ideas and is successful, but always ends up tainint it with his stupid juvenile humor.

But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.

Fuck you.
I'm serious.

L-FUCKING-O-FUCKING-L!

My goal in life is to develop a flow chart to prove whether a movie is good or not. Some of my key points are these:

If you have to defend why a movie is good to a majority, it's most likely YOU that you're trying to convince. Popcorn movies can be great without having to defend them (the first Pirates movie, Iron Man, X-Men 2, um, Rocketeer). Producers crap films on screen because people pay good money to see them without caring if they're good or not. Viewers go just so they 'can escape for awhile.' Is it too much for us to ask producers to try and entertain and engage us?! Even a little?!

Another point I like to make is that people are inclined to like something that they've spent time and money on. Experiments have proven that people will justify their actions when called into question. It's a defense mechanism of some sort. The science experiment had people moving spools from one box to another and back again for one hour. There were two groups - one was paid $5 and the other group nothing (it's was in the 50's or 60's). After the hour, they asked the group that was paid nothing what they thought about the task, and most of not all claimed to enjoy it. They justified their actions because why else would they put up with it? The group that was paid hated it and said they did it for the money.

Believe me - I wanted to turn my brain off when I watched this film. I went in knowing all the bad things I'd heard and sort of started cherishing the horrors (and leg-humping and wrecking ball dangling). I looked forward to seeing a bad film that could dip into so-bad-it's-good territory. But this film bored me more than anything.

I think the only times I was truly jazzed up (during both films) was when the Autobots travelled together in vehicle-mode. In my heart, I knew that they were more than met the eye. But in actuality, they were less than met my already low expectations.

(In T:ROTF's defense, this film didn't piss me off like Wolverine or Indy 4 did. As I said, it bored. Revenge of the Fail!)

@Kevin
I just read that io9 article and was about to post it here!
Also very well written.
Here it is again anyway:
art movie

@Kevin
I just read that io9 article and was about to post it here!
Also very well written.
Here it is again anyway:
art movie

@Drew

I respect your opinion but you didn't exactly provide any positives about the film to counter the reviewer's negatives. In fact I challange you to find some. Because I have to take my kid to the movie today and I'd really like to enjoy some of it (I saw it on my own last night and was disappointed to be sure...I loved the first one). So give me some good thigns about this movie. If you can.

This is has to be a joke, right? You made up this storyline and FAQ's, right? The real movie is nothing like this, right? Right??

I can't believe that Paramount would give Bay millions of dollars to make this movie. I can't believe Spielberg would associate himself with something like this... then again, he directed and approved of the script for the last "Indiana Jones" movie, so maybe he's lost it.

Whenever a storyline includes a "bring back from the dead" item, how come it's never used on the main hero? Is this supposed to be for drama or is it lazy writing?
And does anyone die in this movie? Why not bring them all back to life with the all-spark thingie? It would be nice of the Autobots to bring back all the human soldiers who get killed during the Decepticon attacks. (I haven't seen the movie yet and I'm assuming that people die at some point, though if Michael Bay is so tight with the military, maybe he shows the soldiers escaping just in time.)

And if a character can teleport, why does ANYONE walk anywhere... or ride a vehicle? Just say the magic word and jump to a new location.

"Transformers don't teleport.
Jetfire does."

In all fairness: Skywarp does, and since they went with the Jetfire as traitorous Decepticon explanation as to why he's a good guy jet...

... ah, fuck it.

For the geeky record, Skywarp could teleport short distances...

Thank you so much for this post, now I don't have to see the movie but I know fully how crappy it was. Bless you sir.

I respect many of these points, but Sam doesn't actually KNOW the shard will resurrect a Transformer. He is told that when he gets to Jetfire. He had no idea he could do it before, that is the first time he hears of it.

Stephen beat me to the whole Skywarp thing, so thumbs-up to him.

Clearly this conversation demonstrates why Plato wrote all of Socrates's wisdom down in dialogue form. One would have to be scarcely above animal intelligence or willfully, ostrich-head-in-the-sand ignorant to not understand the broader implications and gravity of this movie.

@ MattK

I was a bit confused here too, but here's what happened.

Lennox doesn't say "Arcee twins," he says "Arcee, twins." There's a comma in there that doesn't come off well because he's yelling and speaking fast.

Is "Matrix of Leadership" a euphemism for "remote control" in the phrase "Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime"?

It's not "Arcee twins", but the character is talking to Arcee AND the twins, and says "Arcee, twins..." It was confusing.

Also, why were they kidnapping Sam's parents again? So they could let them go and run to him? It was a pretty dumb plan.

And WHY WOULD SAM HIDE THE SHARD FROM THE AUTOBOTS??? Why wouldn't he say OMG I'd better get this to Optimus before the Decpticons eat me.

Why would he hand it off to his girlfriend to hide? Especially a girlfriend prone to being surrounded by vehicles?

AND WHAT WAS THAT THING IN THE GOO ON THE OTHER PLANET WHERE THE FALLEN WAS???? ARE THEY MAKING BABIES NOW?

Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

THANK YOU. Ugh, I hate her.

as i read this FAQ i began to wonder, when are you going to mention anything that is actually michael bay's fault? the script was written by roberto orci, alex kurtzman, and ehren kruger. blame them maybe? you even use the script to sum up "michael bay's disdain for story and continuity". why are you not blaming the writers? perhaps it's michael bay's fault that he approved the script, but he didn't write the damn thing.

This movie made me suicidal. Thanks for explaining why.

That was beautiful.

@ monkey boy
You've answered your own question there really. Bay approved it. He didn't say 'No, go write me something that makes a marginal amount of sense, please' he simply grabbed it and added explosions where he thought they'd look good. He had the power to have that script fixed up and did nothing about it, meaning he feels it somehow met his 'standard' which is almost soul-crushingly sad to think about how low it must be.

i still don't think that means he deserves to be the focal point of all this criticism...ALL the issues in this FAQ are script related. you'd think if ALL your issues were script related, you'd want to point out the writers as culprits. michael bay's biggest crime, i think, is a crime of omission...he probably just browsed the script and said "hey lots of room for explosions here! let's shoot it!" it's the responsibility of the writers to write a good script...michael bay just has to direct whatever they wrote. rob says he appreciates michael bay's knack for frenetic and crazy over-the-top action, and that's basically all he really is required to do as "director". if he wanted to, i'm sure he would have written his own script. instead, other people wrote it, and bay directed it. in my opinion, while the movie's pretty dumb from a script standpoint, i found myself enjoying a lot of what i was seeing on screen. the robot fights and explosions were pretty fun. the nonsensical stuff in between isn't necessarily michael bay's fault.

In other movie news, the success of Transformers 2 has electrified the Hollywood writing community, and the new practice of 'type some shit on a page and just throw it in the air' is taking hold.

Rumor has it Tarentino will make his next movie just by taking a camera and walking around the streets of L.A. and getting people to say random swear words.

God in heaven this thing will do over $100 Million for the weekend, won't it? *weeps*

"Another point I like to make is that people are inclined to like something that they've spent time and money on. Experiments have proven that people will justify their actions when called into question."

I think that's key here. You'll be called a pretentious prick for telling anyone that, but it's so true!

I read the comic book adaption to this and haven't seen the movie yet, so I'm not sure if there's just some things that were left out or what. But there's some things I can defend.

Jetfire teleports in the comic by opening a "Trans-dimensional space bridge" a nod to earlier books and comics. He's a Seeker, the group who was supposed to scout out suns to blow up and make sure they were life free. Since space is big they have that ability to quicken things.

Maybe the sixth form is the original fifth con being brought back up to be revived or further scrapped out.

Having a small bit of Allspark could be good. Holding it itselfsurely can't be dangerous. No more dangerous than an electrical outlit. But having it jammed into your spark is like a person picking up a fallen electrical wire.

Optimus was younger than the Fallen, and is in fact the last of the Primes. All of the others were slaughtered, but no one knew he had been built.

The Matrix of Leadership sounds like the equivalent of the "football" the briefcase with the nuclear codes in it.

Thank you for sparring me from having to pay to see this tripe. I might check it out for free (like I did the last one), but there is no way in hell that I would pay to see this.

What gets me, though, is the comments. One commenter stated his opinion here well, and conceded that perhaps the option of having an opinion invalidated his own, and it was at least well thought out. I expected there to be some differing of opinions, but I can at least respect that particular comment.

It is the other retarded as shit comments that get me, which inanely point to 'It must be because da first!11111! maed so much money, it is nows da in thing to rip on its!!!111!!!!oneeleven!!!.

Yes, that is the only reason. It is not like the franchise has been around for years, has created a loving fanbase, and people already knew the first movie would suck. Perhaps it is those particular fucktards that make these idiotic comments who are new to the Interwebz themselves, and are just seeing this bashing that HAS BEEN GOING ON HERE FOR MONTHS. Perhaps try to make an intelligent response that makes sense like the original commenter that keeps getting referenced did. At least that way you don't seem like Trolling idiots.

Anyways, sorry for the rant, I just get tired of seeing idiotic comments like this all over the web, even though I should be used to it now. Great article.

Something I was puzzling about, from this movie... ::SPOILERS!::

The joint human/autobot task force (which, I'll admit, I actually like the concept of) is called "NEST." They never explain if this is an acronym or not.

Now, as far as I can tell, "NEST" isn't a reference to any group or organization in the Transformers mythos. (If it was, they might have called it the "Earth Defense Command" or something)

The other odd thing; there already is a team called NEST in the real world: the Nuclear Emergency Support [nee: Search] Team. The DoE group set up to respond to nuclear emergencies.

The thought then occurred to me that this might actually be kinda clever; using an agency like that as a cover for a covert(ish) operations team. Then it occurred to me how it might be a bad idea as well, considering what agency you're using to cover the secret one. It'd be like covering up a Delta Force strike under the cover of a Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency operation. You see the potential media problem, there? ;D

this is the jizz lol

@ Monkeyboy

I see your point about the writers, but in the end, Bay has the final say. When the box office tally for the movie comes in, it's gonna be Bay sticking his chest out like he was totally responsible. And he doesn't HAVE to direct what the writers gave him. He's free to change whatever he wants. It's the role of the director to see what actually works on film and what doesn't, and apparantly this worked as far as he was concerned. Beside I wouldn't be surprised if he did change, add, and subtract a lot of elements to make it more his way. Two giant balls dangling in the audiences' face definately sounds like a Bay inspiration.

More Q for the A:

How come it took so long for everyone to notice all the robots on top of the pyramid?

So what happened to Soundwave? Is he reading this post right now?

Why did they need Megatron in the last movie if the Fallen was still there all this time to give orders.

So the Decepticons actually have a machine to attack the sun and make energon which brings Transformers to life, which runs on the Matrix, with a map in the All Spark which can also bring Transformers to life and imprint maps in peoples heads and also kill Transformers but not a Prime. Only a Prime can kill a Prime so-wait-um. Where was I again?

So the Decepticons can suddenly make robots with lifelike flesh. Since when? And why only slutty girls as opposed to say, the President.

Where did Blackout come from, didn't he die last ti- (Oh wait, nevermind, they changed the name on the toy so now it all makes sense when you walk into Toys R Us)

Why are there two sets of Constucticons throughout the movie (I guess they'll change those names on the toys too.)

You have at last surpassed the late lamented "Dial B For Blog" as my favorite website of all time.

devastator balls actually didn't bother me. neither did the juvenile humor. what bothered me was the writing...not really the dialogue, but the overall storyline, and the oft-repeated concept of "autobots...run away and leave the primary character vulnerable!" seriously, whenever some important character has to do something, any autobot who would have been there for support just disappears.

that said, i still don't hate this movie, and i don't think michael bay is the devil. my chief problems with this film lie with the writers.

"And why only slutty girls as opposed to say, the President."

That whole "female clone / repressed personality of Starscream" thing from animated? Not reflected in the movie universe. There, robot's got PRIORITIES.

People really are writing this off as "omg ur on the internretz rantng about Transfromers 2 ur just tryin 2 b kool".

Or, even better, "this plot was so simple how could you have not followed along it was about the autobots beating up teh decepticons lol".

Epic headsigh.

So...you DIDNT like the movie?

@ monkey boy

Keep telling yourself that. If it makes you happy, it makes you happy.

@Drew

How is it a simple movie with all of the plot inconsistencies? Yeah the guys biased but his review was spot on and this FAQ pretty much points out many of the flaws of the movie itself.

Funneh.
Oh hell, this is hysterical.
Great FAQ.

I just stumbled across this youtube vlog. It's like the Bizarro version TR's FAQ. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fLSSLwx1G8

@ snoodle:
keep telling myself what? that the movie had bad writing? that perhaps when an entire facetious FAQ talks about the PLOT and not the DIRECTION, perhaps the vitriol should be directed at the WRITERS rather than the DIRECTOR? yes i will keep telling myself that.

for two and a half hours roughly, i enjoyed myself. i thought about it later, and wasn't really impressed. it was a fun ride while the robots punched each other. i don't see myself buying the DVD.

i've NEVER seen a nerdy topic where so many people were not only saying something sucked, but that YOU suck if you DON'T think it sucked. like if you somehow found a modicum of enjoyment in TF2, you lose your nerd card and might have to go out into the world with social skills, no acne, and the possibility of getting girls. abandon all nerd labels, ye who enjoyed RotF.

get over yourselves, everyone. stop patting yourself on the back for saying "i knew it would suck since before it even came out OMG ROXORS" and to the people who haven't even seen it...go on not seeing it, that is your choice...but also, here's an idea: shut up. how stupid is it that someone is insulting my intelligence for enjoying a movie THAT THEY DID NOT EVEN WATCH. as i said, if you don't choose to see it, then by all means, no one is forcing you to, but please realize how retarded it makes you look to insult someone else's intelligence for finding mild enjoyment in something you are ignorant of.

"hey i like pizza"
"you fucking moron nobody likes pizza, you suck for liking pizza, you're a fucking idiot for enjoying pizza!"
"have you ever tried pizza?"
"NO FUCK THAT everyone who's anyone says pizza sucks, so therefore YOU SUCK for liking pizza"
"i dunno man...you can go ahead and NOT be a fan of pizza, but i really don't see why you would insult me for liking it, when you haven't even tried it"
"hey FUCK YOU you stupid idiot. everyone TOLD me it sucks, and i KNEW it sucked before it was even baked."
"okay well, i'm gonna go uhm...be a contributing member of society now?"

i'm not saying TF2 is anywhere near the deliciousness of pizza, i'm just saying, if you haven't seen it, go about your lives and stop hating people who actually gave it a chance and thought it wasn't the end of western civilization.

I just want to say that while I didn't find the film as objectionable as I thought I would, the more I sit here and think about what I just saw the angrier and angrier I get.

by the by, for everyone who wants to kick michael bay in the nuts for giving devastator nuts...please allow me to blow your mind by revealing that, in fact, devastator does NOT set the precedent for transformer testicles. i direct you to heinrad, the tanuki beast wars transformer. who clearly had testicles. DEAL WITH IT A-HOLES.

Another major thing for me-- when Sam finds the sliver (not the shard) and it burns through the upper floor of the house and lands on the kitchen island, does it A) awaken a bunch of small Decepticons that have apparently been living in Sam's house for years, or B) convert ordinary kitchen appliances into new Decepticons? Either explanation is troubling.

Also, in reading the earlier comments, I figured out the significance of the Decepticon slut and the baby Decepticons in goo-- the next movie will be an Autobots vs. Terminators crossover.

"GIVE ME YOUR FACE" *rrrrrip*

I loved the Q&A so much that I translated it for my non-English-speaking wife to read.

The whole Q&A.

I knew what I was going into with this adn I enjoyed the hell out of it. The enjoyent came from not believing how bad it was. I was laughing at the same parts the rest of the folks in the theatre were laughing, but only because i couldn't believe they found that funny. I went to the movie by myself because my friends were just not into it. I dont know what was more sad, that I was there by myself or the fact that folks clapped at the end like they actually enjoyed the clusterfuck that I had sat through.

So it goes from Plan 9 to Manos to Transformers:ROFL!

As I read the self-interview I faintly had the opinion Rob's making this up (it's still true to Bay form). However, mentioned a couple plotpoints to a friend who reeeeaaaalllly liked it and he said, "It's mostly for entertainment...you just have to watch it." And I thought, 'Holy shit, this stuff really happens!'.

Is this what Gigli felt like?

Brilliant F.A.Q.!

I thought that the first film was a turd, and haven't been looking forward to this one... but at the very least I could laugh at your review, so it's not a complete loss.

This FAQ was spot on and I thank the person that pointed me to it. Michael Bay AND the writers are both responsible for this idiocracy. The writers gave Bay the recipe for a crap sandwich and he served it right up while laughing all the way to the bank. Racist stereotype robots, scrotum sack robot jokes, robots humping and peeing and puking, where does the madness stop and why does Hollywood continue to willingly insult everyone's intelligence (Terminator Salvation, I'm looking at you too). Did continuity editors go on strike or do I have to keep watching movies that replace plot points with explosions and fart jokes? I went in with low expectations knowing its a movie about transforming robots but more and more I felt like someone like Michael Bay was sitting in the back row laughing to himself and eating thousand dollar bills while giving me the finger. Phew, where did that come from? It was a robot movie, but they didn't have to go out of their way to make it this incredibly stupid. No one even mentioned the COMPLETELY unnecessary shot of Tuturro's ass. Really, Michael Bay? That was funny to you?

Clearly Michael Bay just couldn't find the time to fly around and personally punch every Transformers fan in the face, so I can only imagine that he thought this fantastic piece of garbage was the closest he could get.

Idiots. There was no tighter movie, we looked.

I'm not entirely sure why "transformers fans" are complaining so much. They should be used to garbage for stories, it's not like the various series' over the years set the bar incredibly high in terms of story.

Thank you. I somehow feel better, after reading your two reviews, for spending close to $20 for two tickets to this non-movie for people with severe attention-deficit disorder. I guess it was a catharsis.

Why does Michael Bay get paid to make movies?

I suspect Michael Bay is actually some kind of genius, and we just don't know it yet. He's succeeded in making a movie almost purely devoid of plot. That takes talent, people.

Also, wtf is up with the Deceptislut? If the Transformers are capable of turning into hot women, why did they not do that from the beginning? Wouldn't it have made their life a whole lot easier than turning into shitty ads for GM?

I don't even know why I wonder, really. There doesn't ave to be a reason for Bay, does there...

I can agree this is not the best story or the transformer movie ever made, but not the worst to complain about. Why can't people appreciate the efforts and enjoy the moments in the movie. We can't even say our life makes sense, then how can we complain a movie making sense?!! Just enjoy people and appreciate the effort!!!

@Anonymous

Right... I appreciate the effort of Ed Wood Jr., at least he *cared*. Appreciating Michael Bay? The fucker doesn't deserve it.

Wow, Topless Robot. You should have spared all that typing and just print one big "Hurr durr Bayformers suxxors d00d!!!1!!one!"

You sound like your butt must be in unbearable agony.

i found this article funny, but sometimes it really shows that you are bashing things without purposes, so i would suggest you tone it down

Everything you mentioned about the movie was spot on. This was a total trainwreck, but as long as the average movie-goer likes this crap, it's what Hollywood is going to keep shoveling in our faces.

@lol you fail:

thank for for providing a sliver of level headed thinking to this thread. while TF2 had problems, i think rob has become a little obsessed with finding flaws and problems where they don't exist.

the level of pretentiousness is becoming obscene. are you people done patting yourselves on the back yet? @ sidearmsalpha: "as long as the average movie-goer likes this crap"...so now anyone who dislikes TF2 is somehow above the "average" movie goer? what exactly makes you and the rest of the people who have nothing to do but pick apart this film into "superior" movie-goers?

monkey boy: If dislike the reviews and comments so much, stop coming to this site and posting so many comments...

I'm confused here.

TR is free content.

TR(and a majority of it's readers) hate the Transformers live action films.

Defenders of these films feel the need to bitch about free content that can easily be ignored.

Who's butthurt here?

At least shitting your pants has a warm feeling to it...

But what I want to know is if Jetfire has been around and dead forever, how did he know to make himself a modern plane?

And why did we need TWO, count'em TWO shots of dogs humping? It's as bad as the dog washing scene in the first Bayformers!

And hey! Didn't Devestator DIE in that last movie?

i was trying to figure out that 5 robots went down, 1 was destroyed, 6 went up thing; i was thinking i missed a vital part. then stuff blew up.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

I have doubts about it suffering a steep dropoff in week 2 after its record-shattering opening. The country is filled with people who are literally or figuratively retarded and the movie seems to be tailor-made for them. It could be something these people see repeatedly, propelling it past Titanic as the biggest financial earner in history.

Blinker said:
But it brought Megatron back who was 100% dead.

No, he wasn't. He was Overloaded and one of the decepticons that went down to the ocean gave up its spark to revive him as well.
The shard can't do all things.

Blinker said:
Rodimus didn't go to heaven, and if Spike could be sent back to life why could'nt the Primes send Optimus back directly. And once again, the cartoon that's 25 years old and was made from 1 billionith of the budget has nothing to do with this movie.

Its a toy commercial, if you went in expecting something more than that you're a few energon cubes short of a full upgrade.
If you catch my meaning.

Blinker said:
He also would've actually succeed as opposed to a Terminator ripooff and a toy truck. and Alice didn't seem worried about being descreet either.

Small is better for infiltration, and Alice was a Pretender.
Transformers 101.
Pretenders were made before Terminator.

Anonymous said:
Blinker said:
But it brought Megatron back who was 100% dead.

No, he wasn't. He was Overloaded and one of the decepticons that went down to the ocean gave up its spark to revive him as well.
The shard can't do all things.

The first movie made it pretty darn clear he was dead.

Blinker said:
Rodimus didn't go to heaven, and if Spike could be sent back to life why could'nt the Primes send Optimus back directly. And once again, the cartoon that's 25 years old and was made from 1 billionith of the budget has nothing to do with this movie.

Its a toy commercial, if you went in expecting something more than that you're a few energon cubes short of a full upgrade.
If you catch my meaning.

And here we go. Outside of the movie's internal logic and back to the fact that it's from a toy commercial. And I'm not a few energon cubes short by expecting total crap from a Michale Bay movie which has always been more brain dead that any children's commercial.

Blinker said:
He also would've actually succeed as opposed to a Terminator ripooff and a toy truck. and Alice didn't seem worried about being descreet either.

Small is better for infiltration

Yeah but big actually gets the job done as Alice learned when a giant car crashed into her and a large Megan Fox tossed Wheelie into a small box.

and Alice was a Pretender.
Transformers 101.

The movie says nothing about Pretenders. The movie is separate continuity from the 84 toyline. These are narrative rules.

Pretenders were made before Terminator.

Terminator the movie came out in 1984, Pretenders came out in 1988. Stop using that Transformers 101 line, please. It's sounding really stupid

I know that ROTF had the biggest explosion in film history. I was wondering was is necessary? I mean the big-ass explosion in the Dark Knight sort of added to the story,I think the explosion in ROTF was to just give Michael Bay a 4-hour erection.

I think Cleric Costes from BamKapow best explain why many people hate the movie

http://www.bamkapow.com/why-2008-s-summer-ruined-2009-s-summer-crop-of-movies-3536-p.html

One last thing, if you would remove all scenes that included Autobots or Decipticons, the movie should be titled:

US Army: We will f**k you up

so now i have people telling me i'm basically not welcome at this site because i'm offering a different opinion than "a majority of the readers" here? i'll have you assholes know I WON A DAMN CONTEST!!! i've got a TR shirt in my closet, i think that, and the fact that this is a free site and i haven't done anything worthy of being banned, allows me to post whatever the frig i choose.

@whip cracka: where exactly does it say TR is a site devoted to transformers live action film hating? last i checked, this was a general "nerd news" site, even though rob has devoted what i would call an extraordinary amount of time to hating the new TF film, that is not one of the core purposes of this website. you're pretty much raising the bar for pretention by saying that since i don't agree with "a majority of the readers on this site" that i shouldnt' come here. this isn't transformersmichaelbayliveactionhatersunite.com. it's toplessrobot.com. people are telling me that because my opinion is not necessarily directly in line with their's, i should take my websurfing elsewhere? are you kidding me?

again, i urge you to get over yourselves, all of you. please understand that we're ALL nerds (most of us fat) and i don't know where all this bloodthirsty feeding frenzy mentality is coming from. some people thought the movie was okay, does that make them subhuman hunchbacked CHUD creature retards? no, maybe they just weren't looking for the same kinda movie as you. you all thought the movie was gonna suck before you even saw it. congratulations, if you thought it sucked, feel vindicated, whatever. but people are just taking it too far by insulting other peoples intelligence simply because some of us aren't grabbing torches and pitchforks and joining the mob headed over to michael bay's mansion.

for the record, I WAS DISAPPOINTED BY THE MOVIE. it had parts i liked, parts i didn't like, and parts i didn't care about. but unlike everyone else apparently, i'm not frothing at the mouth and stringing seemingly random vaguely negative words into some poorly thought out sentences of why this IS THE WORST MOVEI EVAR!!!!

until this website becomes IHATEMICHAELBAYTRANSFORMERS.com, i think i have every right to be here and VOICE MY OPINION, just like all you people have the right to come and fanwank in your circle jerk of transformers hate. telling me i can just go find another website if i don't hate transformers like you guys do is pretty fucking elitist and retarded, if you ask me.

i'm just saying be reasonable guys. some of you (even rob) are getting mad at things that really DO make more sense than you give them credit for...some of your biggest bitchings have precedent OUTSIDE of the TF film universe (examples: teleporting TFs [skywarp] and TFs with balls [heinrad]).

but you know, go ahead and ignore any of the points i brought up and just read this post through your hate glasses so it simply says "YOU GUYS SUXOR MICHAEL BAY ROXORS"...again, to sum up, i didn't think the movie was very impressive, but i think all this circle jerking fanwankery is a bit much. and deal with it, michael bay wasn't the first guy to make your precious robots have balls or teleportation skillz.

toodles.

@ Monkeyboy

Most of us don't mind your posts or anyone defending the Michael Bay film. If someone has definate points on why the film works, we open to them.

But this is a big nerd event and one that has seemed to polarize the geek community which is why so much of Topless Robot is devoted to it. It's not a bad thing that so much debate has been sparked. Debate is fun, and no one is really getting stressed out or torching Michael Bay's house. We're making posts in our spare time and goofing around. He's sitting in Hollywood getting patted on the back all around, and I don't thing he really gives a shit what we think so there's no harm in us bitching and moaning.

You do have to understand that on especially a site like this people, are gonna be critical. We're allowed to and saying people are over reacting to this and that it's a toy movie and people are silly for taking it seriously is why they're saying you should'nt come to this site. It's what this site is all about.

I've read your posts and considered your arguments but people have also already explaned their issues with things like teleporting and robot balls and why is doesn't work in a feature film that's supposed to be it's own entity. It's not fanwakery run amock, it's film discussion and I doubt any film not connected to a 25 year old toy line would even be allowed to get away with the lapses in narrative logic this film has.

Sorry if it seems like it putting words in anyone elses mouth. Just trying to smooth the waters here before anyone gets really angry. This is all supposed to be in good ol nerd fun

@ monkey boy
You've been a bit more rational in your defenses of the film. My comment was directed more at the people with the e-rage issues.

I'll see your Heinlad reference for robots with balls and raise you a Kiss Players Legion for robots with a case of the hornies.

If anyone else hasn't pointed this out, I just want to ask:

Did anyone else notice how Bumblebee was able to talk at the end of the first movie??
And the fact that for some weird reason, he can't talk in this one???

Personally, Mr. Bay just incredibly fucked up the movie. All i have to say now is "ugh!" in my frustration of it.

I think we are missing the positives about this whole mess. Maybe this will spur some director/writer/animator to correct Michael Bay's gross misinterpretation of Transformers and somebody will step forward and make something good. How many bad nipple costumed Batmans did we sit through to get to Heath Ledger's brillant Joker and a good Batman since the 89 version. To the fans of this rendition of Transformers enjoy it, to the haters (which I count myself as) just be patient maybe someday we will have OUR movie.

Not only is Michael Bay bad at math, he doesn't seem to be very good with geography either.

Last time I checked Petra in Jordan with Palestine conveniently between it and Egypt. How in the world were they able to get from the middle of the damn desert to Giza and then all the way across two borders and into another goddamn desert to find Petra in a day??!!! Especially when they no longer had a geezer transporting robot with them to get them there immediately?

At least this movie was good for a laugh. I knew I was in for a massive raping of my childhood when I saw ancient humans hunting a fucking tiger in Africa. Maybe in this universe, the universe in Michael Bay's bum, 5+1-1 does in fact = 6.

I saw it today, I actually enjoyed it (thus I remain anonymous) I really just wanted to see some robots beating the shit out of each other and you know what?? That's what I saw :D

Funny thing though, when they did the 'ball shot' on devastator, not a single person laughed, which actually made me let a little chuckle out. The other big flaw was the completely non-racial stereotype twins, they were so awesome and funny /end sarcasm.

also, why would a robot hump Megan Fox's let??? Well, I guess I can't blame him, if I were a robot I'd probably do it too....

I know I'll catch hell for defending anything in the movie here, but the reason jetfire doesn't just fly them to Egypt is that he's an SR-71 blackbird. There's room for one, maybe two (depending on the type of Blackbird) people in the cockpit, and there were 4(?) of them there.

@ scrotumizer ray

Actually you are right. During the first season of the Transformers generation one cartoon both autobots and decepticons could fly. Then with no explanation whatsoever the autobots couldn't fly anymore.

Wow...

Well my favorite part from Bayformers was when SHARKtimus Prime lit up a cigarette after the huge JUMP that had just occurred. My childhood anus is now the equivalent of throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Similarly thats what little boys used to say after visiting Neverland Ranch. But not noes more! Too soon?? Whatever.

@monkey boy:
You make valid points. And I dont understand why everyone is taking this so personal. We are all fans. Some of us put more stock and hope into this franchise than others and were left disappointed. Thats the catch-22 of having higher standards I 'spose.

The more I read about this, the more I want to join my brother in moving two states just to realize the world still sucks. The look on his face. If I can find it under all that hair and grease.

@ Its2bad:

Actually you are right. During the first season of the Transformers generation one cartoon both autobots and decepticons could fly. Then with no explanation whatsoever the autobots couldn't fly anymore.

It actually made every sense for the Autobots to not be able to fly, since all their vehicle forms are land transports. If Bay started making flying Camaro cars then people WILL impale him.

I have serious doubts that Rob saw the movie, like at all, and if he did the bias set up before he even walked in made it a waste of time where he actually missed points that explained his misspelled rant.

I think it is time to lay off the booze, get some anger management, count to 5 before you write a post like this and invest in a new thing called spell check.

Also how many sheep are on this page? I saw the movie and there were not that many problems, but then again I am not some elitist nerd douche that forgets how to enjoy himself and how cheesy transfomers actually was as a kid.

Wow you actually took a Michael Bay movie seriously? It was a good blow'em up movie. And that's all I expected it to be. I noticed a few storyline rips from the original series, but then again, Michael Bay... What were you expecting?

And for pete's sake, proofread.

OMG! I don't think you watched the movie at all. Or at least understood what went on. It's an action movie, filled with non-stop running and screaming and guns and what-not. Like that one reader said, it's not meant to be taken seriously.

Also, if you did not watch the Transformers (cartoons) some 20 years ago, you would not understand what was happening in the film.

Maybe before you make comments, you should make sure that you understand what ACTUALLY happened.

Like on this part:
So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

---
SEE!!! I'd tell you to go watch the movie again but I don't think you'd get it right even then. So just get a life dude!

LOL. I'm a Transformers fan. But when I read this... IT'S JUST SO GOD DAMN FUNNY! XD

Especially the part when Optimus died, and knowing Sam had the other shard of the cube (and the other was used to resurrect Megatron) he didn't use it to resurrect Optimus, hahaha!

All I can say is LOL @ this post.

I think you are too dumb to miss some points in the movie and that all you care about was to be able to have something criticizing to write about and not really reviewed the points well.

Sure you could be right on some part, but it just makes me annoyingly smirk on others.

However I do think this does make others be curious to watch the movie though ;) good job!

This is stupid nerdrage over a damn summer movie. Get a grip people. The twins were using urban slang, if they were hillbilly yokels this would be much ado about nothing. I've said this previously Aaron McGruder's Boondocks make the twins look tame by comparison.

you know Sam had mp idea the shard would do that right?

So why would he think to use it that way.

Your FAQ makes me want to see this movie more. If only I could do that in a way where I didn't have to give Bay money...

welcome to our friend's from Mr. Bay's message board

I actually got pissed off reading this. It's like you were writing a joke script. But some asshole actually wrote this movie and some other asshole actually bought it. And then a bunch of assholes made it.
Where are all these assholes coming from, and why aren't they being euthanized?

I know it's a bit early to get in on the 'official' Stephen Sommers bashings (courtesy of "GI Joe: A Real American Effort at Cross Promotion and International Synergy"), but when I used to work at a video store, a woman was renting "Van Helsing" and I rolled my eyes. She was a regular customer, so I thought I'd let her know that it was not a great movie. She told me she was determined to like it, essentially, and when she came back to return it, she went out of her way to inform me she 'loved' it. That's when I started detailing my issues with it (most of them geared toward the fact that the movie would have been great if you hadn't seen any movies for five years prior to its release... it ripped off like ten movies IMHO: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Underworld, Wolverine, etc.)

After a very brief breakdown, she looked crushed, and agreed with me that it was not good.

With films like this, people get defensive and make unwavering decisions that will not be swayed, just like how it is with politics and religion. The more you press good or bad, the more each side swings. It's the American way.

One thing I fear about this effortless film making more money (and I say effortless meaning no effort was given in making a solid film, i.e. a film that makes its own rules and follows them), is that there will be more. Another thing about Americans, or human beings in general, is that we are essentially lemmings. We don't want to fall behind the pack (and not see ROTF if 'everyone' else has), but we don't want to be told we want to be a part of the pack. That's our eternal struggle. We long to be told what to do, but don't tell us that's what we want. All I want is Hollywood producers to try. I don't think I'm asking for much. Bad movies might make a lot of money, but so do great ones (TDK, Up, Iron Man).

I'm spent...

I also appreciated monkeyboy's Heinlad reference. A time-traveling tanuki with big balls and a box of rice and jar of saki that transform into a gun. Best Beast Wars toy ever.

Well said, Bay needs to read this, the moron.

@Rob: Thank you for the best laugh I've had in ages. Please keep up the F.A.Q.s in the future!

You nailed it. As a Transformers fan, I can say I enjoyed the movie in a B-movie kind of way, but it's a shit film with a shit story.

I like how your review takes the form of questions, since anyone who thinks about the movie for one second should have a billion of them.

You didn't even touch on the inconsistencies of Devastator. When Devastator combines, two of the robots who supposedly make up Devastator are seen in their robot modes looking for Sam AT THE EXACT same time as Devastator us making out with the pyramid.

LOL that was good. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man." Best line ever. I still liked the movie. It definitely had problems though.

I am very curious to wonder what everyone who liked this movie enough to defend it, thought about wolverine, indy 4, and even spiderman 3. I am going to take a stab in the dark and say that they liked those as well. Hmmmmmm......

Though I think you would be hard pressed to find a intelligent positive review of any of these films that isnt safe and watered down by some journalistic tool. That should in of itself tell you something.

And I think its safe to assume that Topless Robot will bash other movies that suck in the future and all the apologists should just not visit this obviously bias blog from hence forth.

My last "opinion" on this "debate"... I cannot wait for Transformers 2: Rifftrax edition. Twilight rifftrax was comedy gold and Transformers is moon rock fodder.

OMG TR TF:RotF LOL FAQ FTW!!!!

"Anonymous said:
Also how many sheep are on this page? I saw the movie and there were not that many problems, but then again I am not some elitist nerd douche that forgets how to enjoy himself and how cheesy transfomers actually was as a kid."

I don't know. How many posts by the sheep did you actually read, since we all explained the shit you're still moaning about

this is just a comment in general. i havent seen the film yet so i am trying to avoid reading spoilers and shit but its ok, its not like its the dark knight where the whole movie can be ruined

i am sure the plot is real simple, as was the first one but i think the reason i enjoyed the first one was the fact that i had such low expectations for it and it was rather entertaining. i worked at a theater that summer so i got to see it several times for free and i was able to still enjoy the film after six or seven views but the plot in both these films are prolly real simple but hey the movie isnt some indie film that requires lots of coc kto be placed into some elaborate scheme. look at most action movies, are their plots that fucking insane?? the dark knight, which as we know was a great film and so acclaimed, had such a simple plot but it was carried out effectively. at least to me it was. so going into transformers 2 i have a bit of skepticisim mainly from this sites constant posts about how shitty the movie is going to be

but then again my friends seem to be on the same page even though they never visit this site but they also go by the reviews on rotten tomatoes which also seem to be panning this film. but what i want to say is go into the film was as much of an open mind as possible i did that with terminator a few months ago and i came out thinking it was mediocre. so i will try to block out all the racist characters (skids and whats his face) but hey this movie franchise was made for two reasons, 1. to give us fanboys a reason to believe in this series (or something like that) and to sell toys and other products

i rest my case

oh and drew didnt point out anything good about it bc he prolly didnt remember anything about the film bc hes a retard

this is just a comment in general. i havent seen the film yet so i am trying to avoid reading spoilers and shit but its ok, its not like its the dark knight where the whole movie can be ruined

i am sure the plot is real simple, as was the first one but i think the reason i enjoyed the first one was the fact that i had such low expectations for it and it was rather entertaining. i worked at a theater that summer so i got to see it several times for free and i was able to still enjoy the film after six or seven views but the plot in both these films are prolly real simple but hey the movie isnt some indie film that requires lots of coc kto be placed into some elaborate scheme. look at most action movies, are their plots that fucking insane?? the dark knight, which as we know was a great film and so acclaimed, had such a simple plot but it was carried out effectively. at least to me it was. so going into transformers 2 i have a bit of skepticisim mainly from this sites constant posts about how shitty the movie is going to be

but then again my friends seem to be on the same page even though they never visit this site but they also go by the reviews on rotten tomatoes which also seem to be panning this film. but what i want to say is go into the film was as much of an open mind as possible i did that with terminator a few months ago and i came out thinking it was mediocre. so i will try to block out all the racist characters (skids and whats his face) but hey this movie franchise was made for two reasons, 1. to give us fanboys a reason to believe in this series (or something like that) and to sell toys and other products

i rest my case

oh and drew didnt point out anything good about it bc he prolly didnt remember anything about the film bc hes a retard

"Best not to think too much about it." If you do this with all Michael Bay films, they end up becoming excellent.

this is just a comment in general. i havent seen the film yet so i am trying to avoid reading spoilers and shit but its ok, its not like its the dark knight where the whole movie can be ruined

i am sure the plot is real simple, as was the first one but i think the reason i enjoyed the first one was the fact that i had such low expectations for it and it was rather entertaining. i worked at a theater that summer so i got to see it several times for free and i was able to still enjoy the film after six or seven views but the plot in both these films are prolly real simple but hey the movie isnt some indie film that requires lots of coc kto be placed into some elaborate scheme. look at most action movies, are their plots that fucking insane?? the dark knight, which as we know was a great film and so acclaimed, had such a simple plot but it was carried out effectively. at least to me it was. so going into transformers 2 i have a bit of skepticisim mainly from this sites constant posts about how shitty the movie is going to be

but then again my friends seem to be on the same page even though they never visit this site but they also go by the reviews on rotten tomatoes which also seem to be panning this film. but what i want to say is go into the film was as much of an open mind as possible i did that with terminator a few months ago and i came out thinking it was mediocre. so i will try to block out all the racist characters (skids and whats his face) but hey this movie franchise was made for two reasons, 1. to give us fanboys a reason to believe in this series (or something like that) and to sell toys and other products

i rest my case

oh and drew didnt point out anything good about it bc he prolly didnt remember anything about the film bc hes a retard

this is just a comment in general. i havent seen the film yet so i am trying to avoid reading spoilers and shit but its ok, its not like its the dark knight where the whole movie can be ruined

i am sure the plot is real simple, as was the first one but i think the reason i enjoyed the first one was the fact that i had such low expectations for it and it was rather entertaining. i worked at a theater that summer so i got to see it several times for free and i was able to still enjoy the film after six or seven views but the plot in both these films are prolly real simple but hey the movie isnt some indie film that requires lots of coc kto be placed into some elaborate scheme. look at most action movies, are their plots that fucking insane?? the dark knight, which as we know was a great film and so acclaimed, had such a simple plot but it was carried out effectively. at least to me it was. so going into transformers 2 i have a bit of skepticisim mainly from this sites constant posts about how shitty the movie is going to be

but then again my friends seem to be on the same page even though they never visit this site but they also go by the reviews on rotten tomatoes which also seem to be panning this film. but what i want to say is go into the film was as much of an open mind as possible i did that with terminator a few months ago and i came out thinking it was mediocre. so i will try to block out all the racist characters (skids and whats his face) but hey this movie franchise was made for two reasons, 1. to give us fanboys a reason to believe in this series (or something like that) and to sell toys and other products

i rest my case

oh and drew didnt point out anything good about it bc he prolly didnt remember anything about the film bc hes a retard

If you liked the movie, you liked it. I found it to be pretty damned terrible, but that's my opinion. It was like they packed anything in there they could to get a laugh or manipulate the audience.

Also, about 92 percent of these comments make absolutely no sense. I thought nerds were supposed to be literate.

I think there is no better way to sum up/describe how shitty this movie is than your FAQ

@ monkey boy

I think anything Tanuki-based is kind of exempt from the testicle thing, as most traditional depictions of them in Japanese folklore include comically large testicles.

No need to yell, everyone.

The sheer number of leaps in logic and completely wrong assumptions in that article are staggering.
Is this movie's plot really that difficult to discern and follow? I would think, being fairly shallow, that it wouldn't be, but you've done an excellent job glossing over a lot of it in an effort to grope in the dark at ill-conceived attempts to be funny.
Jaded, arrogant, massive fail. Next hater, please.

SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME!
THANK YOU FOR MAKING MICHAEL BAY LOOK LIKE THE JACK ASS HE REALLY IS!!

I like the people who say they've already seen it three times in one weekend.

And they say the haters are obsessed.

And everyone, please stop talking about grammerical errors in blogs. THEY'RE FUCKING BLOGS. They don't have spell check and we're not getting paid to dot every eye. We're just talking and if Bay can fuck up all he wants and has a fan club to clean up after, him so can we.

It's possible that this review saved my marriage. Thank you.

Here's something:

Why the fuck would robots communicate with Hieroglyphics?

THEY ARE FUCKING MACHINES. THEY COMMUNICATE IN ZEROS AND ONES.

I know this is one thing to pick up on in a movie that is carved or a solid block of retardation, but it still sticks in my craw.

@Jason

Actually, it was funny and it does describe the movie. I know people like you can shut off your brain, (I'm surprised you have one to turn off) and float around in bliss...But here's the thing:

You can't answer any of the questions being asked here. All you can do is behave like the trailer trash you are and act like you've just watched some deep, meaningful movie.

Could it be because you know HE'S right and you are just worreid Micheal Bay won't be your pal?

Do us all a favor and turn your brain back on. Then you can grow up and join in the converstaion like a big boy!

Next lover, please.

I love how everyone is being so critical of this movie. No one was near close enough to being critical of this movie and all the hate reviews are just getting annoying.

this was not going to be the deepest movie of recent movies. Damnit its based on an 80's cartoon where megatron was origanaly a gun!

just enjoy the damn movie. There were honestly probably problems in the first one but i dont even care to go back through the movie and pick out every problem. One of the top of my head is why did they call for evac...in a damn city? huh?

i hate how the media is covering this movie.

Why would we want to enjoy a really really bad movie? I don't get it. Should we always enjoy utterly crappy movies?

The first one had its flaws, sure, but for me, it managed to stay on the right side of fun, despite the immature humor and plot holes. This one never even looks like it got close to the fun line. Like way, way, far away. I'd be surprised if it could even see it.

"Damnit its based on an 80's cartoon where megatron was origanaly a gun!"

... and your point is...?

"I love how everyone is being so critical of this movie. "
"i hate how the media is covering this movie. "
"No one was near close enough to being critical of this movie and all the hate reviews are just getting annoying."

WHAT. ARE. YOU. SAYING.

Listen, if your argument is "turn your brain off / it's not supposed to be anything more than a cheap action movie / etc." - go away. You're a waste to society. Just take your lowered expectations having, bad product accepting, no ambition self and go off to work in McDonald's or Walmart for the rest of your life.

A lot of people aren't willing to do that. Because when you do, you're basically just saying "okay, Hollywood, shovel whatever shit you can come up with my way, I'll pay for it, then I'll bend over and let you screw me properly."

DON'T DO THAT! Don't turn your fucking brain off at the door, point out awful movies and tell people NOT to see them. Mock anyone who pays to see shit - shame's a great motivating factor. Do you want to see a good Sci-Fi flick? Go see Moon, it's pretty much in most major cities by now. Go see Up, which was great. Or go buy the DVDs of all the GOOD genre movies from last year instead of the crapfests from this year.

If you're twelve years old and don't know any better... fine, you can enjoy this movie since you're going to be going through puberty soon and lord knows you need some sort of release.

Anyone older than that... DEMAND BETTER.

also one i noticed about the 46 something robots Bay is talking about.. I watched it 3X already and found out that while the devastator is climbing the pyramid... the same robots composed of the constructicons are also the same robots fighting the autobots in the desert.. what the hell are they? copy cats? cant they just replicate other vehicles.? also bonecrusher was featured during the attack of the decepticons in the desert. then when their already fighting he just disappeared, just like autobot jolt who were shown in a fighting scene but is always with the crew. were are the other robots michael bay? you cant fool us...

You ignored SOOOOO many details about the movie (and info from the original cartoon, and the first movie) that explains like 80% of your plot flaws. PS: Jetfire was NOT dead.

Simply can't understand why there's a BALLS scene in the middle of a serious fight.

Wow. Lots of nerd rage in the comments on both sides.

@monkey boy: Your pizza analogy is a good one, although I think some people would argue that since the movie was racist, your analogy should include pepperoni in the shape of swastikas. Would you say "It's cool man, eat your nazi pizza and I'll chill over here." or would you speak up and say "That shit's messed up, man."

I personally loved the anti-drug commercial before the movie followed by the hash-brownie. Poor ad placement.

Also, did anybody have a hard time understanding what the hell was going on in the fight scenes except for the forest scene? The effects guys at ILM really went overboard on the lighting of the transformers and you could barely understand what was going on, due to the extreme lights and darks. I don't know, maybe it was just me...

Frickin hilarious, mate.

However, I thought the one line that summed up the film was Sam's dad:

"I have no idea what's going on, but we have to move."

There's the plot in a nutshell.

my sentiments exactly. Transformers (cartoons) were made for kids. And yet, the cartoon made more sense than the for-adults-also movie. Whoever wrote the script was not a fan.

Dude, you are REALLY overthinking what is essentially a summer popcorn film.

after reading this my desire for watching this movie have incraesed, now I can't wait to watch this movie and I'm sure that I will laugh my ass of the intire time :)

hey man, GREAT review. I saw the film and was seriously pissed with the storyline. BUT, what you did here, is pretty much what Michael Bay wanted to do with the picture. Make it fun, who cares who sees or, (in this case) reads it, and get the most entertainment out of it as possible. Shitty script. And HORRENDOUS EDITING. you are NOT wrong with the review, but you might have added something like- The worst choice for any type of film awards (except maybe the razzies). Go see it, but try not to listen.

if your about to criticize the movie.
simply don't watch it again..

or be a director yourself. and make a transformer movie.

-end-

why anyone would like this movie?

there is only 1 genre for action in hollywood: boom, pow, kablooey.

nothing else matters.

i mean, as advanced warrior classes these bots seem to be, they just shoot without aiming. LOL! Loads of firepower lost.

wat a relish read bro- your a rocker! *rock neva die*

make your own movie, then watch and criticize it...

I went into this film with hugely low expectations. All I wanted to see was robots beating the crap out of each other. I think that scene with Optimus tearing apart multiple decepticons was made of win.

You know what I didn't want to see? Horrible sexism, plot holes you could drive a Mack Truck through, fart jokes, ball jokes, random hunks of metal flying at each other that might possibly be robots fighting but I really can't tell, camera work that gave me a headache (literally).

I like seeing robots fight, it's the rest of the superfluous crap I hated.

And for the record, Bay wrote every joke in this film, so we can certainly blame him for that.

I tried really hard to just sit back and enjoy the nonsense but it was impossible to do.

Reading finally pays off. Awesome review!

@monkeyboy

"i've NEVER seen a nerdy topic where so many people were not only saying something sucked, but that YOU suck if you DON'T think it sucked."

Have you been on the internet before?

"or be a director yourself. and make a transformer movie."

That's the lesson everyone. We can never complain about anything again. Pay for a bad meal, don't complain, go learn to be a chef. Buy a bad car, don't complain, build your own car. Pay to see a bad movie, don't complain, go to film school and get a job in the film business.

I personally have no problem with bad films. Some of my favorate films are god awful, but I admit they're bad films and I like them anyway. I don't defnd them with every excuse in the book simply because it's a film that I like and who is anyone to criticize.

I like McDonalds food too, but I would never defend it as fine cuisine and I think McDonalds is just like McBay. They both have billions served but it's just crappy junk food.

I enjoyed the movie but dude, I loved this review.

So funny-

"because... because... FUCK YOU" just blew me apart.

But was Bumblebee really retarded? Never realized that.

Good job dude.

Looking forward to Harry Potter's review, and all the movie's inconsistencies.

Thumbs up.

this is epic win !!
can't stop laughing for the next 15 mins.
i'm gonna forward it.

"Looking forward to Harry Potter's review, and all the movie's inconsistencies. "

Have the Harry Potter movies made a habit of inconsistent storytelling? They don't match the books exactly, but that's to be expected with any pragmatic adaptation. From what I can tell, they don't screw up basic stuff like ROTF did.

@rankyaku: Dumbest logic ever. Did you even read the article? That's like saying if you don't like the president, run for president yourself. Oh yeah, I'll run for president, after getting an education at Yale, getting elected to congress, schmoozing with lobbyists, raising millions of dollars, winning over the hearts of the American people and convincing the media that I'm the good guy to vote for.

Saying "be a director yourself. and make a transformer movie."
requires a lot of resources. Rob was saying the whole reason he was upset with the movie was because with movies, you only really get one shot at making an adaptation.

You are such a dumbass....at some point you've got it right...but what you didn't get is the most important thing...ENTERTAINMENT!!!dude...grow up!!!

But i'm sure some of your questions will be answered in Transformers 3...Michael Bay will definitely make amends...Muhahahaha

Were you born a loser ..?or did you became loser as you were growing up ?.....Jesus Christ half of the planet hates bay because he's a GOD...!!!!!!!!!if you don't like the movie just don't waste any time talking about it !!!...

ALL HAIL BAY !!!!!!!!!

And all you losers who say that the film is not g00d ...i guess you are the people who are listening to Madonna and shaking your bodies like little gays sisters Oh ..just shut the fuck up useless fuckers of society go get a dildo or something and just stick it where you truly know..your asses ..and then sit in front of the couch and wait for the new desperate housewives episode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....LOSERS

Were you born a loser ..?or did you became loser as you were growing up ?.....Jesus Christ half of the planet hates bay because he's a GOD...!!!!!!!!!if you don't like the movie just don't waste any time talking about it !!!...

ALL HAIL BAY !!!!!!!!!

What a waste of pure fresh sperm you are losers....

I actually let this one simmer for a few days after reading your review, but man... you knocked this FAQ out of the park. This might be my favorite TR post ever, and that's saying a lot.

Thank you. Thank you so much for putting all of the reasons I hate this movie into a concise post. I wouldn't have seen it if it wasn't paid for because I knew it was going to be utter garbage. All of my friends loved it and didn't listen why it was a bad movie. Thank you for letting me know that there is someone out there who hates this movie as much as I do. This movie is just one step closer to Idiocracy.

Here's MY question: If they wanted to harvest the Sun, why not build the stupid machine on Mercury where it's a lot closer to the Sun?

Also, I'm pretty sure humans take readings of the pyramids via sonar or a variation thereof... we would have known by now if it wasn't all rock and tunnels.

Bay is an idiot. Anyone here could have directed a better movie and still have it make millions. Bay pays no attention to time lines. West coast to Egypt in 6 hours. One minute the trio is in France, then next in a New York Deli? Or did this deli happen to be in France? How did they get there? Then a second later they are in the Air and Space museum? Then the old Bot breaks a window and they are in the boneyard in the desert? WTH?? I get it...it's a movie...but Bay PLEASE say away from the TV show 24!!

way to many robots in this one to keep up with, no identity here. The twins were cool and had some good lines...just blind into you surroundings. And the Ninja ways.

And I still don't see why dog humping or robot leg humping is funny.

John said:
"Were you born a loser ..?or did you became loser as you were growing up ?.....Jesus Christ half of the planet hates bay because he's a GOD...!!!!!!!!!if you don't like the movie just don't waste any time talking about it !!!...

ALL HAIL BAY !!!!!!!!!"

Posted 06/29/2009 at 01:17:36 PM

John said:
"And all you losers who say that the film is not g00d ...i guess you are the people who are listening to Madonna and shaking your bodies like little gays sisters Oh ..just shut the fuck up useless fuckers of society go get a dildo or something and just stick it where you truly know..your asses ..and then sit in front of the couch and wait for the new desperate housewives episode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....LOSERS"

"Posted 06/29/2009 at 01:22:00 PM
John said:
Were you born a loser ..?or did you became loser as you were growing up ?.....Jesus Christ half of the planet hates bay because he's a GOD...!!!!!!!!!if you don't like the movie just don't waste any time talking about it !!!...

ALL HAIL BAY !!!!!!!!!"

Everyone welcome John. The type of genius that makes a movie make $300+

The economy can't be that bad if people have money to spend on crap like this.

And Bay is a god??? Look at the films he's directed, not a long list. And the great acting to! Ahh but there is that Kerri Kendall playboy movie he did in 1990.

And no one will ever confuse Bay with Spielberg!!

I feel so much better for reading this article. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who rues the day Michael Bay took on Transformers. Let the world know what a fucktard he is for taking what was a big part of my childhood and shitting all over it.

You guys are all idiots... Not being able to do math is funny, but if you didn't like it then who cares?! You could do this with just about any movie. It's really intended for those who used to be big fans of the cartoon series and comics, and some parts even for younger kids... IT'S NOT ALL SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE... hence the word FICTION, and coming from a fucking cartoon series and comic books. The reason you don't understand most of the little stuff is because you weren't a fan (except for the math, that's just retarded how such an expensive movie could miss something like that) Did you pick out every little thing you didn't know about or any little detail it didn't elaborate on in The Dark Knight??? Sure hope not... because it would just make you seem even more ignorant and uneducated than you already do. But oh yeah, you must be right, it must be making record amounts of money all because everybody on earth are idiots... Sounds like some of you need to really get a life and go question as much about your sexual orientation as you did about this movie... Damn morons

Wow. This whole blog seems to be turning into just this kind of rant. You are SO off my bookmark list.

"IT'S NOT ALL SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE"

I don't think that's what you mean. Is it? You mean it's not supposed to be real but at least convincing, or something like that, right?

"Sounds like some of you need to really get a life and go question as much about your sexual orientation as you did about this movie... Damn morons"

Sexual orientation? where did that come from?

Okay I figured it out. These are all Bay lovers. These aren't even Transformer fans. Notice they trash the source material in every defence blog. They really don't defend the movie, but rather say it has every right to be dumb. The couldn't care less about this movie or what is was about. All that matters is that Michael Bay directed it and he's a symbol that they too could be a multimillionares in Hollywood getting blown by girls like Megan Fox and having the imagination of a ferret and that's why they will defend any slights to him to the death.

I love a good popcorn action flick but if there's one thing that pisses me off it's sloppy storytelling. It doesn't have to be a great story. It just has to be internally consistent and make some kind of sense.

The first movie had a couple plot loopholes big enough for Cybertron to fit through(like Barricade disappearing entirely before the last fight for no reason, the transformers weakness to extreme heat and cold yet they were able to withstand the rigors of space travel and re-entry).

I still liked the first movie a lot in spite of those things. I overlooked them to a degree because it was a chance to see the transformers brought to life on the big screen. I figured I'd have to endure a similar amount of silliness for the second movie but good god, how in the world do people come up with a script like that and manage to keep a straight face?! And who in their right mind signs off on that kind of thing?

At least have some sort of professional pride in your work. I'd be embarrassed to have submitted a script like that.

I'll probably still go and see it...and I'll enjoy the action for what it is but my enjoyment will be marred once again by the sloppy storytelling.

Rob, I waited until today to read your review and your faq because I saw the movie Friday night and wanted time to process it for myself. I wanted so fucking badly to disagree with what I was expecting to read from you... so fucking badly. But really, everything you've said is heartbreakingly true. I enjoyed the first movie, I really did. I felt it was a reasonable interpretation, though maligned by so many in much the same way Beast Wars was originally received (read: Optimus is a monkey? Not in my Transformers). But god dammit was this a lousy movie. I felt like the first movie was leading up to something great, but I never expected... this. It's just truly heartbreaking.

@Whisper said
"I love a good popcorn action flick but if there's one thing that pisses me off it's sloppy storytelling. It doesn't have to be a great story. It just has to be internally consistent and make some kind of sense."

Couldn't agree more. I have a theory that the more educated people involved in making this flick let Bay have his way (i.e. dog humping, racist robots/deli worker, Constructicon nads), hoping this film would fail. Jokes on them, eh?

C'mon, Megan Fox is hot. So what if she can't act? There are plenty of successfull people in Hollywood that can't act. Keano Reeves can't act and I've never held it against him. Jack Nicholson (unless you consider playing the same character in every movie, acting)...

Sheesh, what is with the sexual orientation slurs? Am I allowed to prefer the first Transformer's movie, or will I get branded with a slur by some bigot?

Personally, I thought the part about him dieing was stupid and I wasn't quite sure why he would need to get jumped with a defibrillator and how they would manage to get him jump started in the middle of a battle when he is supposed to be the prize... I would have been fine with the whole out of body thing, but the CPR was a bit much.

That has to be the best dissection of a Bay film ever. His movies fall apart once you ask a question like "what?" I refuse to see this schlock. When I heard Bay had taken it on himself to pen the first draft during the writer's strike, I said, "Oh, great. A film about misogynistic, farting robots." It sounds like I was right. Horribly, horribly right.

I actually thought it was a pretty fun movie, plot holes aside. But did anyone else notice that scene when they resurrected jetfire? They were at the Air and Space museum, right? The one right on the Mall in Washington DC? Did you notice that Jetfire busted the door open, and all of a sudden they were in the middle of some desert surrounded by old airplanes? I don't remember seeing that last time I was in DC.

We should petition to get the Coen Bros. to direct a Transformers movie, if only to get Mudflap and Such-and-Such to speak in charming Midwest accents instead of Ebonics.

The teleportation thing? Yeah, that's oldschool, right from the show. The original show, and all the others. It's the Space Bridge.

"The Space Bridge is used in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen by Jetfire who reveals that it is the fastest means of transportation. However, it causes the main protagonists to fly all over the area in Egypt and Sam Witwicky's left hand is burnt as a result. The Fallen also uses the Space Bridge himself near the climax of the film." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Bridge)

Also, before you bitch about the Bridge being a decepticon thing, remember that Jetfire was originally a decepticon, as he is in the movie.

Did NO ONE notice Bays utter disregard to geography?

Since when does Jordan and Egypt share a land-border?!
I was under the impression Israel is wedged in between...

Also, I was not aware that the pyramids were moved from Cairo to the Sinai desert...
Or that Petra is close to the Red-Sea/Mediterranean...
Or that you can travel from Petra to Sinai by foot without passports and withing an hour or 2...

FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY, YOU RAPED MY CHILDHOOD AND DIDN'T HAVE THE DECENCY TO USE LUBE OR WEAR A RUBBER!
YOU GAVE ME NOSTALGIA-HERPES!!!

I hope all the lovers of this movie are not watching attack of the show on G4 right now. they are bashing the movie as well and will have a segment about it a little later. I cant wait :))

I saw and enjoyed the movie and "liked" it fine for what it was. This review is awesome and poking holes into the swiss cheese story. I have couple more big ones to add:

1. They are in the DC Smithsonian to awaken Jetfire, but when he breaks out the back of the building, they are magically in the desert (Mojave? where they have the aircraft graveyard?)

2. If only a Prime can kill another Prime, then how come Megatron is able to kill Optimus?

Brilliant, this $hit is brilliant!! You could show this to every Bayformer on the face of this earth and they would still say we're uppity G1 lovers...This my friend is the antidote to any and every positive argument concearning this sad movie...Thanx!!!

Guys,

I want to apologize. I had no idea so many people would get so crazy over some of the shortcuts I took with this film. Please accept my apologies and I'll try harder on the next one. Please look out for it in 2012. I'm planning on bringing back the Dinobots! I know you ner... I mean, fans, will enjoy that.

Sincerely,

Michael Bay

I like how the matrix "had to be earned not found" and yet the Fallen just found it on Optimus Prime, took it, and ran away with it.

Shouldn't he have had to earn it?

Oh, and talk about anti-climactic. "Well, Optimus's one shot disabled the machine, I guess the earth is in no danger whatsoever anymore. Troops, move out."

Oh. My. Gawd.

You fucking NAILED it. This is absolutely FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

if you LIKED this movie you're mentally retarded.

THIS ARTICLE IS SO FULL OF WIN.

You know... i have to say you are a bit, no sorry, a huge dickhead... you constantly get things about the plot WRONG, you exaggerate the plot to create a MASSIVE negative bias, You yourself said you didnt know what was going on, which, given, could be the fault of the movie, or it could be your fucking fault for not giving a fuck, or being smart enough to figure it out, and you create bullshit just to screw with the story. For instance, you say the Decepticons are hiding and the Autobots come and kill them... i assume you are American, so tell me, honestly, what the fuck do you think your soldiers are doing in Afganistan and elsewhere? If there is a threat hiding in your backyard, but he's sleeping/hiding atm, are you going to leave it alone until it decides to shove a gun up your ass and pull the trigger? You must be a total retard, seriously. and John Tuturro does not do the translating (how the fuck could he possibly do that?) You then corrected yourself on the next page said, no, it wasnt Tuturro... and all that does is put a completely negative bias on the movie! You said at the top of the page that you actually went OUT OF YOUR WAY to write this, just to create more negativity. Yeah, the world needs heaps more of that!

Now, im not a massive Michael Bay fan, in fact, i think he's a general loser, the first movie pissed me off no end. Given, i didnt think the second movie was flawless, i thought it had many weird things, complications that shouldnt have happened, and totally unnecessary annoying things like Sams FUCKING INCOMPETENT shithead parents, that fucking beaurecreat, the two annoying twin robots (which, btw, were styled after Hillbillys/Rednecks, and not after black people, though, considering the highest majority of black people who act something similar to that would be in America, look at your own goddamn backyard before you talk about Cybertronian Society, which, ill remind you, DOESNT ACTUALLY EXIST, in which case the only thing left is your own damn backyard. Be proud

The problem i have is that you are exaggerating, explaining unclearly in order to create confusion, or flat out lying, just to make your point, and if you need to do that, maybe you should take a look at yourself and write about how much of a dickhead you are, instead of the movie.

Alot of things did annoy me... but you, sir, are just a sad, pathetic fucking troll with nothing better to do than exaggerate and lie about a movie so you can write a WEBPAGE (that other people will access and be biased by) about how bad the movie was, and just spread negativity and anger. Well done, well done.

Hope this "F.A.Q." made you feel like your dick was bigger than a marble, at least till the next movie, you probably need the confidence boost, fuckwit.

Hey!

I like "I'm So Excted." :'(

Apparently, the shards disappear after being used. No clue WHY, but they do. Maybe if they crumbled into pieces, that's a more reasonable explanation.

Also, the least they could have done was give some subtitles in regards to who the new Transformers were. You ever see TMNT? They gave subtitles to the turtles, even though we should know who they are.

Well, the reason the autobots don't decipher the symbols, is cause it's an ancient language of the primes. And, well, where's the prime that can decipher it? DEAD! Idiot. And why does the decepticons want him? So he can bring him to the Fallen, who is a prime, and translate it, then find the matrix and get energon....did you even pay any attention to the movie at all?

This post...is the single most brilliant thing I have ever read. You, sir, are a god.

MY GOD!!! I wish I hadn't seen this movie and just read this! I would be a better man in every way if I had!

Hey man, the story plot is real bad... but Megan Fox's "scenes" make up for it. LOL

The editors didn't even try to redeem themselves. I mean, WHY was there a fucking boom microphone in the final cut? (When Tuturro is in the phone booth)
REALLY?!
If I had to pay to see this, I would be livid. I work in a movie theatre, saw it for free, and STILL hated it more than anything else.
I'd rather watch "Madea Goes to Prison" on a loop. If I had nothing on my ipod but the soundtrack to Legally Blonde, I still think I'd be a more satisfied human being.

Oh yeah, and The twins might as well have been named Al and Jolson or Stepin and Fetchit. Big eared, big lipped, buck-toothed, illiterate, jive-talking robots. Seriously?

The acting of laughable, there is no plot for the first 90 minutes of the movie, then after that it's another hour of explosions and screaming.

I counted a dozen jokes where the humor involves butts, balls, or humping. The notion that this is financially competitive with The Dark Knight makes me want to throw up because critically and artistically, it's the worst.

People should stop defending this movie right now. Think for one moment; take away the Transformers. Take away the name Bay. Got it? Okay. It's still the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It's offensive to my intelligence.

It's as if they allowed a boy who just entered puberty to film this. Farts? Check. Explosions? Check. Girls? Oh, check ... There are more shots of girls in skimpy clothing, not to mention man-butt, than there are Transformers.

If the story isn't important, if it's just based on a toy-line, why is the movie so freakin' long!? My only hope is that one day people realize how foolish they are for thinking this was good film. Sadly, I doubt it as people still don't think the first one was that bad either.

P.S. Is Bay so pathetic that he has to plug his own films in this one?

Yeah Transformers 2 has a lot of plot holes. It was just overshadowed by the Bay's CGI special effects and exaggerated explosions.

Anyway, some of your questions here were already answered in the movie. Try watching it again.

My say to the movie? Transformers 2's ending sucks.

You are genius.
Thank you for expressing so perfectly how f*cking lame is Michael Bay. Really.
I heart you.

hey, you forgot to ask yourself.

Why did Megan Fox take off her jacket during the film's final moments and run while clutching it in her hand.

Uheya said:
Well, the reason the autobots don't decipher the symbols, is cause it's an ancient language of the primes.
Ummm... You know that there were only like 7 Primes ever. Why the hell would they bother to make up some secret language (with decoder rings, too?). Their only job was to go looking for sun to turn into Energon.

Skywarp teleports not goddamn Jetfire!

Major Lennox kept holding Mikaela Banes in the desert. Hard to be kept in isolation I guess. It's also difficult to shout "Mikaela" in the "heat of the moment."

Way too many comments to see if this has been covered already, so apologies in advance if that's the case.

@monkeyboy et al: Blaming Bay for the story is perfectly legitimate. It doesn't absolve the writers, certainly, but Bay is intimately involved with the story from development onward. And he's the big dog. Nobody just hands him a script and says "go shoot it." The flip side is more accurate: Bay spins a wish list of things he wants, dumps it on some writers, and says "go write it." And they end up having to go through a bunch of awkward contortions to justify the presence of the Decepti-slut, giving the shard (excuse me, the "sliver") to Megan Fox, and a billion shots of random military hardware. Oh, and someone has to crash a fucking helicopter or else it's just not a Michael Bay film.

Worst part about seeing this? The LA Calendar promo playing before the movie with smug Bay going on about how he's some kind of old-school movie purist while a bunch of random shit blows up behind him.

Second worst part? Optimus Prime's canned insults during the fights, which made Peter Cullen sound like a 12-year-old on the playground. I think "bitch-ass Decepticon" may have been the low point, but I can't be sure without a second viewing. Which will not be forthcoming.

And for those who suggest that it's disingenuous to criticize Bay's films if we all go out and see them anyway are missing the point. You're allowed to go see stuff and then not like it. Paying your money doesn't invalidate your criticism; it justifies it. In fact, it's the only way to have credible criticism in the first place. Now, people who criticize things without watching them (or reading them or listening to them) -- THOSE are the folks worth attacking.

Superb work.

You nail the movie perfectly.

Ur a retard that's probably never seen the show, the movie, or read any of the comics. He's not teleporting, he opened a space bridge, just like the fallen, which he explained. Bumblebee can't talk in the first one, cause megatron crushed his vocal processor, back on cybertron. Rachet fixes said problem, but in between the movies Swindle shoots him in the throut, which then causes him the shoot swindle in the chest, but also explains why here can't talk in ROTF. Both instances are shown in the prequel comics. Also the transformers are sentient creatures that happen to be mechanical, meaning they have souls. The spark in pretty much their heart, when they die they become one with the matrix (aka robot heaven). in which, since sam was holding said matrix, tapped into the power of it, thus given the ability to communicate with the primes. Pretty much the movie needs preexisting knowledge, which is the whole point to making a movie like this.

F* you said
"Pretty much the movie needs preexisting knowledge, which is the whole point to making a movie like this."

No, movies don't need preexisting knowledge or shouldn't. It's not supposed to be homework where you research the damn thing before you go.

Also, the movies aren't canon with the comics. They incorporate the movie plot in their own stories and work around them the best they can, but the movies sure as hell don't incorporate the comics in between. I pretty sure Michael Bay has no clue what went on in the comics. He just decided it would be better if Bumblebee still didn't talk.

This film made me want to move to America and go to college.
EVERY girl in college is ridiculously hot and some are even robots that want to seduce you even when paint mock-Japanese symbols all over your room with your own feces.

Plus you seem to get set up with these rooms that have massive secret rooms inside, big enough for guys who are way too chiseled to actually be nerds to set up weird little cyber domination empires.

All of that shit is cool

Hey, how come Bumblebee couldn't tell a Decepticon was sitting inside him? Ironhide was able to spot Starscream in his disguise in the first movie.

Totally failed to mention how the coolest new Transformers, Arcee, Sideswipe and Sideways, got about as much screen time as the transforming toaster, blender and whatever the fuck walked out of the oven, or was it the refrigerator?

you are a total retard men

Awesome review. This movie was total horseshit. You forgot to mention how Simmons climbs the Pyramid (why?) and calls in some convenient secret weapon that can take out Devastator in one shot, but was never used anywhere else in the movie.

"It's very powerful, this Allspark."

I need that on a T-shirt

Wow... really, honestly, this guy had no business seeing a Transformers film (and honestly, I don't think he paid attention to the first). Basic background knowledge of the Transformers universe would of cleared everything up... this article is just slamming a movie to try and be cool.

There are many transformers who looked alike in this film. If you watched the last battle, then you saw stock robots walking around with other decepticons that clearly had human disguises. The stock robots were all silver. Thus, it makes sense that these robots had not chosen any human-made shape to tranform into. Others had. Even if it appeared that two robots were in Devastator and also fighting separately at the same time, this could happen if transformers chose the same human vehicle to mimic.

DanteSInferno84 said:
"Wow... really, honestly, this guy had no business seeing a Transformers film (and honestly, I don't think he paid attention to the first). Basic background knowledge of the Transformers universe would of cleared everything up... this article is just slamming a movie to try and be cool."

As are the 200+ posts after it. Not a single point in there. Nope, Nope.

So you're telling me that all these people that saw the movie had background knowledge of the Tranformers Universe when it was more likely they just didn't care and liked Megan Fox's breasts bouncing in slow motion.

it makes me sad to say it but you fucking nailed this movie. It was soooooooo bad

Absolutely brilliant post. I would totally go see the movie again just to better understand some of the jokes you make. If it wasn't for this, eternity would be too long of a time before I saw ROTF again. …Can't wait for LMAO. ;)

This post was not only hilarious but was on point. Seriously I have no idea what the hell Michael Bay was thinking when he made this film.

@apologists

It is getting annoying that there's a disturbing amount of people defending this film. It's one thing to admit that the film had a shit load of problems and say you were only there for the action and it's a whole another thing to say the same thing and also try to convince yourself that this was a good movie. Transformers: Revenge of the fallen is an objectively bad film as it fails at almost everything that makes a good film, well good. Plot is absolute shit, characters are one dimensional, and depending on who you're talking to, the action isn't that well done either (unless you like watching two indistinguishable transformers doing something that resembles fighting). Add in the fact that it's two and a half hours of Robots beating the shit out of each other, juvenile humor, annoying comedy relief characters, and something that barely resembles a plot, it makes you kind of sad that loud noises and pretty CG is considered to be a good film by the public.

Michael Bay's movies are NOT Transformers movies. They're movies about robots and explosions and the desperate need of every sentinent being to get Shia the Beef laid.

It's like if Ang Lee had decided to take the script for "Brokeback Mountain" and call it "Bonanza." They're both about cowboys, right? Let's just name the two main characters Hoss and Little Joe!

Hilarious! And all the comments by monkey boy and the other "NO YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW TRANSFORMERS WORK" nerdragers make this possibly the best overall comment thread on the site too! WELL MY TRANSFORMERS HAVE TESTICLES TOO IN THE FANFIC I WRITE SO THERE WAAAHHH!

WOW! I couldn't have said it any better!

The movie sucked balls! For me, it was the "Transformers Heaven" that really made me go GTFOH!!!

Well written!

Just read "Anonymous's" wall of text response.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

ANONYMOUS, you're obviously a fucktard.

"i assume you are American, so tell me, honestly, what the fuck do you think your soldiers are doing in Afganistan and elsewhere?"

Hunting Decepticons, obviously. DUH.

Still, you make slightly more sense than one other person on this board. LOL YOU FAIL: You should look up to this man.

"He's not teleporting, he opened a space bridge, just like the fallen, which he explained."

Oh a SPAAAAAAACE BRIDGE. *slaps own forehead* It all makes PERFECT SENSE now.

That also explains why they travel through the galaxy in the forms of comets.

OF COURSE!!!

So to clarify: Instantly travelling from one point in space to another is not "Teleporting", it's "Opening a space bridge". Got it. Thanks, I'm taking notes here.

Also, to clarify, your mom doesn't swallow cum, she provides a warm humid semen disposal service.

I'm sooo glad I watched Transformers 2: ROTF, mainly because I wouldn't have understood this article and gotten any laughs out of it I didn't get from the movie. I applaud and thank you for the time you put into this, it probably took you longer than Bay took "reading" the script.

dude u made one small mistake in the plot.....it was the lil bot that lead them to Jetfire cuz he saw Jetfire in the old photos John Turturro had....

This was nicked from 4chan. Way to repost original content.

Some of this was true and I laughed a couple of times, but really I just feel sorry for all of you that just over analyze the whole thing, and don't just sit back and enjoy it.... tough life, I hope you enjoy that, but you guys probably don't because you're too busy trying to figure out all of the inconsistencies around you... so you can sit here and anonymously hate on everything, because you can't do anything worth while yourselves.

Oh and for this following quote:

"Dan Marek said:
@rankyaku: Dumbest logic ever. Did you even read the article? That's like saying if you don't like the president, run for president yourself. Oh yeah, I'll run for president, after getting an education at Yale, getting elected to congress, schmoozing with lobbyists, raising millions of dollars, winning over the hearts of the American people and convincing the media that I'm the good guy to vote for.

Saying "be a director yourself. and make a transformer movie."
requires a lot of resources. Rob was saying the whole reason he was upset with the movie was because with movies, you only really get one shot at making an adaptation.
Posted 06/29/2009 at 12:39:03 PM"

I can see why you're just hating on movies because you already know you don't have what it takes to be successful. I'm glad you took yourself out of the game, makes it a little easier for those of us who want to do bigger things.

This has to be the best review of the film I've read! Well done!

You disgust me. Making all this effort to put down a movie that was based on a 80's CARTOON? I understand that there are MANY scenes in this movie that don't make any sense/logic at all but what movie doesn't? You watch this movie not because of the story (or to learn math or geography), but for the f-ing cool visual fx!

Do something productive, dude. Seriously.

This FAQ was the funniest thing I've read since I read Maddox's Alphabet of Manliness.

I had to take my kid to see this movie, and I read all sorts of horrible reviews before I went, so I was expecting a piece of shit, but I wound up really liking the movie. Of course there are a billion plot holes, but it was entertaining. Almost as entertaining as this FAQ, but much longer.

Not sure of it was mentioned already, but how 'bout that fun little top secret "Railgun" that manages to completely rock Devastator. Why is that never used again?

to amarygma,

the thing in goo, guessing thats how they reproduce....what do you think? their "god" creates them like some of the idiots belive happened on this planet?

knob.

What is wrong with you people? Its freakin fiction! Its not suppose to appear 'real' or anything. I took my 7 year old daughter to see it last Saturday and it wasn't bad at all. She loved it! You people have to pick apart and gripe about every little thing even the small enjoyments in life. If you don't like the movie, then don't watch the damn thing!

doesnt the little professor robot come out to rebuild megatron, thus making it 6 on the way back up?

You forgot Turturro's ass shot, man. 'Scuse me, I gotta pour more Drano in my eyes.

As much as I enjoyed the movie, I do agree with the review. The loopholes in the plot cannot get any more obvious. But it all depends on what people catch the movie for, the plot or the action?

So in all fairness, great effect, lousy plot. yes!

Dude that is just WAY too cool!

RT
www.complete-privacy.tk

This makes me even more glad I have not seen the movie, but yet even more gladder (it's a word) that it exists, so you were able to write this. Awesome.

you sound like a dick

What happened to the twins?

They were fighting the giant aggregated transformer (Devastator??) then they cut the scene to somewhere, the next scene was the giant transformer climbing the pyramid. WHAT? I don't know.

I think that you would have been happier reading the book (Alan Dean Foster) before seeing the movie. It makes the plot a little easier to understand, and the action scenes can play out in your own mind at a pace and depth of your choosing. Bay doesn't really bother explaining the motivations of the characters like the novel does, and even though the book is nothing but a glorified screenplay, it does invalidate many of your gripes with the movie.

Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?

I have no fucking clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.

> Yea its fcuking blurr. I tot i c Blackout when back in the movie but did he got ressurecteD? n btw, The other yellow guy is rachet; the autobot's medic

What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?

The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.

>lol. I enjoy the the senseless killing tough :P But true enuf, they r doin things. SOundwave is a freaking saatelite (/palmface) and ordered/coordinate the decepticons to look for the last piece of all spark.

What?

Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.

> read the answers above :D. n besides, its for the momentum of the movie XD

Why is the U.S. military helping them?

Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly shitty at their job.

>Well its like y Japan had to be in every Galatic monster encounter in Ultraman series :P

How does the U.S. military help them?

Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.

>well, they just cant sit there. They have expensive gears to crash :P

Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?

Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.

> Well yea, the ultraman theory

How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?

Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.

> Alsprak is like weed. Take some n u can fly. Take the whole packs. Well, u can shoot to the stars n die XD

So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?

Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

>yeap yeap

What?

That's what they said.

>thats wat they plan :D

But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.

Yes.

...and now it can also bring him back to life.

It's very powerful, this Allspark.

> Uhm uh huh, The Weed Theory

Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?

They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.

>Its the only 'kitchen survivor from the Bee's rampage XD

Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?

Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.

>Well, Starscream is urm.. busy making babies :P

Well, then why do they give a shit about Sam?

The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.

> the same symbol that sams great grandfather get

They weren't in the other shard?

Apparently not.

> skipping this XD

So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?

Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.

> yea. she is hawt XD

Wait.
Waiting.
>waiting

There's a slutty Decepticon?

Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--

>megan fox is better :P (black long hair fetish)

Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?

Yes.

> No before the 1st day :P

So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?

Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.

> they r machines. They do this kind of elaborated plans :P

How so?

Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.

> Erm, More like, after his 1st astronomy class, She figured out that Sam got the symbols into his head, Contact soundwave, and Soundwaved ordered her to kill him. Oh well, He is a Satelite and they r machines. ITs possible :P

It sounds preposterous.

Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!

> yay Megatron!

Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone.

...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil! He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.

> Well, theorically, He 'had' a plan. :P Read the comic; 'Defiance'

Now you're just making shit up as you go along, aren't you?

Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble.
Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.

> well, Sam doesnt want bee to follow :(

That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?

No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!

> yea. lame. but its the classic XD

Really? What is that?

No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.

> aww prime dies. /sob

Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?

I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.

>Well, cars r slow. I recommend Jets XD.

Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus?

Yes. He could.
...
...

No he Couldnt. Primes All-spark was blown apart. Remember the huge ass explosion on Primes Chest? yeap thats the one.
Allsparks only gives energy and create new bots from electrical appliances. Prime's is not a lowly electrical appliances :P

Well?
He doesn't.

> i explained it :D

Why not?

I'm not sure exactly.

> G.G

Then what the hell does he do?

He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.

> yeap. now on track

Which Autobot does the translating?
Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.

> oh well, never judge a book from it cover.

What. The fuck.

Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.

> is it a crime? XD

And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?
Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.

> well its 'ancient' transformer language. Just like Latin to us now :P

Where the hell are the other Autobots?

I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution here.

>They r with NESt. Chilling n smoking

So Turturro translates the symbols.

No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.

> He is not deceased. Just Ran out of energy :P

What good is he dead?!

Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!

> more like refill his energy. Allpark = power source, remember?

Not Optimus?

No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.

> no Not optimus because Optimus needs allspark.

You have to fucking be kidding me.

Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the missing Autobots --

> holding back, Make it this way, If allspark can create new life from eletrical appliances, SO we can just use the allspark for optimus right? NAT!!!!!! LEts imagine, Replacing a human's heart with a Mouse heart.... Nope. Cant do.

Wait, what? Teleports?
Yes, teleports.

> ou yea, its Awesome XD

Transformers don't teleport.

Jetfire does.

> u Damn right he did. Hip Hip Hurray!

But -- wait a second, he's a fucking jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!

Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life.
Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said fuck it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the shit out of him although he escaped.

> Well, Its said in the movie, Fastest way to get there. Boy gotta listen to the dialogue, boy :P
> 2nd, Well, its already 2 hours long. Flying there again n risk the chance of another decepticon's encounter? more time waste. Cinema will lose profit. Well, more like will gain lesser profit with shorter time XD

Okay...
So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain?

It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon.

> its a Key. Matrix of leadership holds key to many things :P

Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?

Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.

> part of it but yea, wth?

I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.

I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the Goddamn Sun."

> Well Leaders can be off track sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes :P Even god XD

If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies.

Isn't that cool?

>Nah Read the comic, The fallen is the strongest of the primes. He Mortally wounded all of them but in their last effort, they seal him in some transdimensional kind of prison. and before they die, They made their tomb n secure the matrix.

...
...

No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet?

They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the fuck does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?

Uh...

> Read the comic, Defiance :D The Primes were the 1st of the autobot kind. They were transdimensional species but they cant really do the hyperspace jump thingy. They need a portal or smth like that to do so. Thats y the allspark created the autobots, a being that can tranform into shape to be more effective in what they were suppose to do. This "suppose to do" thing ranged from comunications, warfare, Deep space travel and etc etc u can think off. Ultimately, The entire autobot race depends on autobots that can do space travelling called the seeker. This seeker travel across the universe searching for suns n stars., relayed the coordinate back to cybertron. Then Transport autobots with Space travel capability jumped to that locations bringing workers autobots, and then build a portal needed by the primes n their 1st kind to reach their destination. Everyone plays a role. and Jetfire is one of those seekers. That is y he can do spatial teleportation :D
Yea go read the comic. its colorful XOXOXOXOXO

And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets?

These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no fucking reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.

> well, seems like they r being of omni benevolence. They knew if the fallen got hold of the matrix, Thousands of young species will die to the fallen's madness. Thus, they put their race into jeopardy knowing hoping that their race were advanced enough to look for the answer.

...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.

> it is called faith :D

Grr.
What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's corpse.

>thats for the action ratings :D

Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be there in a minute or two.

They don't do that.

> they r busy fighting decepticons... i presume :P Oh wait i remembered, Did sam mention smth to bumblebee about bringing his parents away from the combat zone? and well, if they were a yellow camero heading into a fray sure is easy to spot XD

What?
They walk.

>they run?

Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam.

Yes. Exactly.

> well there is some juxtapose of rachet firing back at the decepticons. Most probably too bz in the battle. ALso, it creates drama XD

I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right?

Pretty close. Sam dies, though.

> he got resurrected

Really?

Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.

> nope, Cause he is worthy of living becoz the other primes had watch over him for a long time. Wooo Primes r like angel XD

Fuck you.

I'm serious.

> nah u r jokin :P

Fuck you. There's no way.

It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.

? oh well, Cant blame lion king. that scene is awesome XD I mean the lion king part.

I may be ill.

Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.

>its called the spark. N Ou yea, Prime finally has some big guns n cannon XD

Anything else you want to add?

Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.

> He is dying slowly. Its like your speakers. when u turn them off, they still kept some eletric charges. Thats y u heard the 'pop' sound when u turn them on the next time. But erm, If u wanna try this at home, Make sure you turn the speaker on for at least an MJ album's duration. /sob Mj is dead >

Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?

I can't answer every question, man.

>Girl: Bumble Bee
Guys: Megan Fox

BONUS ROUND!

So it's not as bad as shitting your pants?

Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.

> haha sure u did ;)

Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?

I don't have the faintest clue.

> Well, well love that scene. So for movie ratings, they slot it in XD

Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Bumblebee to play when Sam says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?

No. No there couldn't.

> give that poor autobot a break. He just lose his voice! Again! oh ya, about how he lose his voice again Read another transformer comic, Alliance :D

Why can't Bumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?

Because Bumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living fuck out of a Decepticon later.

> lol hes awesome. N ya, Alliance. Go read it

Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?

Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.

> lol Interesting family sam has. XD

A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?

Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.

>well, Everyone makes mistake :P even producers and directors XD

That doesn't sound "written in" at all.

Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."

>now u c, Now u dont! XD

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?

Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

Its called human elements. Makes the character more humanly and more cherished and like by humans. Something to do with the uncanny level graph. Go wiki about Un-canny

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny

P/S: Shit there r some real Hawt ANdroids here!! XD

What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why the fuck does he stay for the entirety of the movie?

I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Beef to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all extraneous.

> Well, Who else gonna whine n make Sam looks more Matured and cool?
Tq sam, We know u r cool n matured :D

Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen?

> coz The fallen is a prime. n prime r immuned to to the fallen's staff trick.
I made this up but its logical :P

Why can Jetfire teleport?

> he is a seeker. Read the post above about him teleporting to egypt, listen to the dialogues; not whining about the movie and read Defiance XD

Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make shit fly around?

> Ctrl + Copy Ctrl + Paste. Oh wait, wrong button, hang on.

> coz The fallen is a prime. n prime r immuned to to the fallen's staff trick.
I made this up but its logical :P

There you go

Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?

Its something related to air pressure and how a wing works. Those human r small in surface count. Thus the differences between infront of them and behind them where devastator is would not overcome their mass. Autobots however had more surface count due to their big size, and their multiple expose complicate inner part. This cause the preasure infront n the preasure behind to differs quite alot and thus being pushed towards the devastator. Uhm Gotta read back high school Physics. They r taught back then :D

Because... because FUCK YOU, that's why.

Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?

Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

> good for her and all of us horny men from mars! and not to forget the tickets sales count XD

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?

When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a fuck. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man."

> lol everyone did mistake. Cheers XD uhm wait. The doctor decepticons. He wast activated when the 5 jumped down. Maybe he remains active when they r comin up. And since he is so small, me might be hiding inside one of those big decepticons like Megatron! there u go! XD just helping u out bay. hope it works :D /cheers

Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?

"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

> haha. Thats y they have balls XD

You forgot the bit near the start where despite all they've been through and despite the immense all knowing all wise leadership skills of optimus prime he asks Sam for his help in the grave yard and Sam says.. No. Like reaaaaalllly. That was one of my first face palm, reeks of awkward plot device moments.

Sorry dude, last year i summed up enough courage to save both our races against bitter destruction but you know what opt? I'm just going to have to pass on this one... i've got bigger fish to fry matey like... errr.. college and watching my b@llz get smaller.

didt u realise the 'doctor/professor' decepticon that popped out of the other decepticon when they went under water to revive megatron?

thats why they're 6 of them. 5 - 1 + 1 ('doc/prof' decepticon) + 1 (megatron) = 6

so yea,
dont criticize ppl's math when u're the one who didnt notice (or remember) properly

n in case anyone calls me a bay lover, im not. i dont care wat he does.
its just a movie to me, and i liked it. (i do get to voice my opinion here right?)
again, im not saying its flawless, im just saying i liked it.

and to me, the humping n balls n butts were all humour.
wats a movie without humour?
maybe u guys should try laughing more.
thats that.

Punk ass bloggers.

Bumblebee = Sling Blade.
I lol'd irl.

did yahoo! copy from topless robot??

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/smg-transformers-10-questions.html

I would love to say you're a genius for this article, because it is sooooo funny i nearly pissed myself. . . sadly it's Michale Bay I have to give credit it to because you've written nothing but the God's honest truth about what you saw on screen.

In other words this article is the most funny I've ever read because it's 100 % true!!!

Well done! Thanks!

No way is a submarine tracking something as small as a microscope and if we really wanna be logical, that little thing isn't coming up on its own. It would have to jump back into the larger Decepticon.

So yeah, I guess the math is right and yet it still manages to be stupid. Only in a Bay film.

Anyone on here whining about the article should do some serious introspection. Maybe this would lead to the revelation that your cognitive dissonance is actually weakness and submission. Cry about something less relevant, please. You're gaining so much sympathy from everyone. /end rant

satisfied said:
"I can see why you're just hating on movies because you already know you don't have what it takes to be successful. I'm glad you took yourself out of the game, makes it a little easier for those of us who want to do bigger"

He He he.

See we can laugh, especially at comments like that.

Oh, I got it. Because you want to spoon Michael Bay, you think you'll become as successful as him. Oh maybe he read you post as is thinking "That's the one I want to take under my wing."

Sorry, but dumb luck doesn't just happen to everyone and Bay's hogging it all right now, so I don't know what you're gonna do.

There's a lot of mistakes in this post, but ultimately it doesn't matter. It was still a stupid movie. Just not quite as stupid as this post indicates.

Just a small request: Can people stop using the

"It was an action movie, why are you taking this so seriously? It is just about guns and explosions! So sit back and relax because you are taking this too seriously!" argument?

As a human being, I find it rather demeaning that anyone would be saying stuff like "sit back and just accept drivel like this, because you shouldn't expect anything more for your $10 ticket".

Maybe this is the fundamental difference between chimps, gorillas, bonobos and humans watching movies (e.g. humans have a high enough level of intelligence to demand logical story, good acting AND entertaining action all in one tight little package). I mean come on, are your standards SO LOW that you are willing to just pay money to see explosions? Because that is what you are saying when you use "it's just an action movie, calm down" as your argument.

P.s. I actually do like a Bay movie: The Island... sure it got out of hand at points, but overall I think he did a pretty good job.

Had great fun reading your review. Very well written, And enough reason for me to skip this movie. If it is half as bad as you depict, it's still twice as bad as watching an Ophrah marathon special about a new book on some diet. "Look under your seats everybody!"

Got the link from John Siracusa: http://twitter.com/siracusa/status/2422485787

Retweeted because I think it's really, reall funny:
http://twitter.com/rolfje/status/2422884886

Thanks again!

sadly, this review was so good about how bad the movie is that i now want to see it for myself. fail.

@ Tammy Patrick

You brought your seven year old daughter to this? Wow. I mean, I'm not calling you a bad parent necessarily, but... that definitely invalidates your analysis or judgment of the movie.

Apparently you either didn't actually watch the movie, didn't pay that much attention to it, or are just really really bad at writing reviews. Basically, I think you're an idiot who just has nothing better to do. Watch it again and maybe actually pay attention this time instead of listening to what other people have told you. This review? Epic Fail.

OMG this is a perfect summary of the film. The core "plot" of this movie I thought would have been fine if executed correctly. But Michael Bay instead put in about 100 retarded sub plots that have nothing to do with the actual story line what so ever!

One of my biggest beefs with this flick that you didn't mention was Devastator. Here they introduce the biggest baddest Decepticon ever shown and he's in the film for all of 3 fucking minutes! Then John Tutturo's character calls a US Aircraft carrier on a Jordanian field radio and tells him to fire the "secret Ion cannon"! Are you fucking serious?! To which the US military decides to employ this secret WMD based on the word form a random dude on a radio. Blam! One shot kill! If you have this cannon can you just kill all the fucking decepticons and be done with it!

Simply put this is a great flick for the mindless middle American drones! For anyone with half a brain it will just piss you off. I'm all for suspension of disbelief but this was really a piece of shit!

I'm now playing the Revenge of the Fallen video game on PS3 and let me tell you if you want some Transformers entertainment this summer that is where it's at! All the juicy robot goodness with none of the stupid shit from the movie. It's like the developers saw the script and said collectively "WTF!, We're not doing that!"

Awesome...just awesome.

I just want to add the strange geographic problems of the movie to your list:

1. The Air & Space museum apparently has a field full of planes and mountains behind it (despite being in DC). It looks suspiciously like California to me.

2. The teleportation: They go to egypt. Cross a border (don't get me started on that) into egypt. Go to sleep in Jordan and awake in Egypt. And every town in the Middle East seems to have the 3 pyramids of Cairo no matter where they are.

Your analysis is brilliant! Kudos!!!

noone cares about megan fox's acting abilities, she's just there because michael bay knows people will just whack off to the thought of tit fucking her

Someone asked me yesterday, "How can you love Star Wars but hate Transformers?" This person also saw Twilight multiple times in theatres.

What I never could figure out from the movie was, why the hell was Jetfire an SR71 Blackbird? Didn't they say he's been here for years and years? They said he'd been dormant for many many years.

I mean, when they were all looking through the pics of the ones who have been here for years, they had Model T's and shit. If he would have been the Wright Brothers plane or something, sure, but how the fuck, is he an ANCIENT Blackbird?

And it sure is handy that he can transform with a walking stick......WTF?

the fifth comment by u_nick is retarded
this movie was shit and your analysis is brilliant

First of all, kudos for the Q&A. Thought it was funny as hell, even though I was a huge fan of both of the TF movies.

Second, kudos to Buffalo for explaining some of the Q&A 'points' with actual references. Much appreciate that as now I will probably actually read the comics/books you mentioned.

Third, I side with you Anonymous, but take it easy. No need to get riled up over some bloggers' idiotic ramblings. One of the worst things about the 'Net is that people can unfortunately say things without knowing you or ever meeting you or ever even having a chance to meet you. Now, if someone says something to your face about you specifically, dropkick 'em in the face. Otherwise, it's pointless to even fire back at the jackholes on these sites because that is all they are looking for.

Anyways, to all of those dumb 'Why can't Bumblebee talk again?' postings... just think about it. It was for comedic and creative value. All of the other robots talk, so you don't need another one doing that. They hit on something good in the first movie by making Bumblebee communicate through songs you hear on the radio, and most of the time this brought a bit of comedy to the movie. I am surprised that 1.) nobody else would have mentioned this already and 2.) that so many posts had mentioned this. Is Bumblebee not talking that big of a deal?

Also, can't believe so many people were honestly upset by the hot-bot (as I like to call her), Megan Fox having to run anywhere (good lord I'd watch that for hours), the robot humping Megan Fox's leg (good lord I'd DO that for hours if I had a chance) and the twins (who weren't a racist plug... as someone else said, I know more white kids who act that way than black kids, and even so I thought they were more of hick wannabes anyways). I didn't necessarily think the robot balls were necessary, but it was humorous nonetheless.

Did have issue with: the fact that there were more Constructicons than the 5 I remember, how easily Devastator was beaten, and how quickly Prime won the final battle once 'resurrected' (would have love to have seen Prime take on Devastator in an all-out battle). Regardless, loved the movie, will see it again and buy the DVD. Look forward to the next one.

The only question I would love answered is one I read somewhere in the blog that I thought was probably the biggest overlooked issue of the movie and by far the best comment/question of this blog... How did Megatron kill Optimus Prime if it takes a prime to kill a prime?

Why hate on the movie... its not a PBS special. Just be entertained.

Over three hundred comments.

This may be the greatest Nerd Article of all time.

Stefanie said:
"Why hate on the movie... its not a PBS special. Just be entertained."

I personally hate on it because it was just so sloppy.

I can take or leave Michael Bay's earlier movies, and I even went into this one in a forgiving mood, but just about everything just seemed so thrown together. I felt like Bay was just so sure that people would line up for the sequel that he really just didn't care. I've seen this in bad summer movies before and none of them are excused. A bad film is a bad film. I even liked some bad films but they're still terrible and deserved to be call so.

A movie is supposed to take my mind off things and into its own world. The movie is supposed to entertain me. I should'nt have to force my mind to turn off and ignore things. Things like characters being in two places at once, or disappearing from scenes without reason, or a plot that just jumps all over the place like it's being made up as it went along. First they're looking for a shard, then a different shard, then Sam's Brain, then a sun destroying machine, then Seymour Simmons, then Jetfire, then the Matrix.

Sheesh.

The film is supposed to relax my mind off for me. It's what I paid ten bucks for and if it failed to do that then it failed as a movie for me.

Some people have pointed to other sources for clarification or just made up reasons (Did you ever thing more than one transformer can look the same? Skywarp used to teleport), because the film doesn't provide answers on its own. It's hard to allow my brain to turn off if I have to keep coming up with explanations on why things are happening in the movie.

Some people have pointed out that it's a dumb popcorn movie and I agree. It's the dumbest popcorn movie I've seen in a long time. I don't see how it makes Bay a good director by appealing to the lowest common denominator. It's like the fans are saying "Bay is so great, but don't expect greatness from Bay".

You completely missed the part where they kidnapped his parents and brought them to Egypt as a backup plan in order to umm convince him to give up?

And when his parents escaped and were told to run as a far away as possible magically showed up at the end moment when he was doing the money shot pan around holding Megan fox.

Michael Bay knows that no matter what he films and puts on a screen, people will pay good money to see it. And so far, he's right. Two years from now, 90% of the people here who are bitching about how Transformers 2 sucked will pay good money again to see Transformers 3....and complain about how much it sucks. Quit giving the dude your money. If you just gotta see it, pirate it. You'll still lose 2 hours of valuable life, but at least you still have your $10.

I utterly ADORED transformers as a kid...and so did everyone else who's pissed off. We're angry because something we cared about has been turned into complete trash. Why did there seem to be WAY more shots of people, slutbots and mf than robots? I paid money to see transformers: Huge robots talking, fighting, transforming from cars into robots...and i got megan fox's boobs bouncing everywhere...which probably works for the dudes but, sorry, does Absolutely nothing for me at all. Fucking insulting to real fans. Fucking irreverent. Oh yeah, and the other female lead, the "mother" was even worse than the slutbot.

This movie made zero sense when presented like this. But whatever it had robots and guns and babes.

www.thislalife.com

So the twins are poor BLACK robots huh? Fuckin' racist.

This is hilarious. Dude, you are a genius. They should have gotten you to write the movie's script.

Please, if you go must go see this just to see how bad it really is, buy a ticket for a good movie and sneak in to ROTF instead.

michael bay thoroughly sucks, i mean come on, he did armageddon, enough said. i thought there were too many robots and therefore it was hard to distinguish who was who, the robots should have put on a "hello" sticker with their name printed in red ink so the audience could properly identify each robot (this would cause less confusion). all i know is the movie wasnt impressive and only mildly entertaining. p.s. megan foxx is a terrible actress.

You forgot Jetfire's cane. Was that always part of his equipment? He just thought he'd get old someday and he'd need a cane to help him walk, right? LOL

Amusing--I agree with the commenter who pointed out there's a lot of rage on *both sides* of the argument here. It's a trick to sift through the rare few that make actual points on way or another instead of making personal attacks on the reviewer, the ones who make personal attacks on the ones making personal attacks on the reviewer, the ones who claim the reviewer hasn't actually seen the film...one thing that's majorly surprising is that there hasn't been a 'Waaah, you're just a Gee-Wunner!' comment yet.

As for my own view--I haven't seen this yet. I *may* when there's a torrent for it. I made the mistake of watching the first one--and still think I should have tried to talk Redbox into refunding the $1 I spent renting it. I've also watched the majority of all of the US-released Transformers material (kind of hit and miss on the later dubbed Japanese stuff due to cable issues). I've seen a little of the purely-Japanese stuff (a little Headmasters, a little Victory..I would have liked to have seen the Beast Wars II and Beast Wars Neo stuff, *especially* the episode where they condense the entire US Beast Wars CG run down into one episode). I've also read (and own) most of the Marvel Transformers run (through the 'Generation 2' stuff), though I don't have a lot of the Dreamwave and IDW work--I definitely don't have Infiltration and the other latest runs. So I'd like to think I have something of a Clue as far Transformers--and a broad enough interest that I'm provably not someone who fits the 'Gee-Wunner' label that Bay's defenders kept using on anyone and everyone critical of the 2007 movie.

Now--on to *my* views and comments on the arguments presented here. The original article? Hilarious--and while sarcastic, fairly mature--certainly more so than Bay's own level of 'humor'. As for the rest...

The 'It's based off of an 80's cartoon!' argument. Yes, so what? 80's cartoons are silly, in a very specific 'kid-friendly' sort of way--this is in fact the defining characteristic of the '80's cartoon' genre, and occurs with few exceptions in *all* examples of the period. This same fact is true for the 'It's based on a bunch of toys!' argument.

The 'It's just an action movie! Turn off your brain and enjoy it!' argument. To be polite: NO. If the only way to enjoy a movie is to get a lobotomy and reduce yourself to a drooling vegetable in order to 'enjoy' a movie, then that movie's not worth that much. Not to mention that we already have a problem with people not engaging their brains, and you want to encourage them *not* to use them even more? Just...no. Not to mention for a movie like this, there's an additional reason not to, which I'll address further on.

My view on the crude humor. What was the point of putting this in in the first place, really? Tastless, crude, and absolutely worst of all, utterly *pointless* as far as what passes for a story or plot is concerned--it could and should have been edited right out. monkeyboy (amusing name BTW--I keep wanting to set it up for a Buckaroo Banzai joke. :-) ) tried providing a counterexample in the form of a tanuki-based bot from the Japanese Beast Wars series. I'll do him one better, and throw in the 'Bean Vines' episode (I can never remember the real name of it) from the *US* BW series (I can't remember what the Maguffin is, but part of the plot involves Rhinox finding and attempting to eat some kudzu-like bean vines infesting the base, and ending up with Explosive Flatulance as a result...which is later used as a weapon when the Maximals break into the base--and have their own rather silly Boris Vallerjo Pose Moment). The thing is, in both these cases, there is purpose to this--they are integrated into the character (in the case of tanuki, it's a basic part of the source material being drawn from, *not* an addition just for the lulz) or the plot (in the case of the bean vines, a good portion of the episode would have to be re-written to remove the gag). It's not just...hanging out there (pun definitely intended). Bay including the testicles, the dog-humping, and the piss jokes strike me as being akin to a 2yr old running down the street naked, swinging a full diaper over his head and screaming 'Look at me, look at me!' I've tried to make comparisons to Beavis and Butthead elsewhere--only to have it pointed out that at least in B&B, there's at least some actual story-related reason for even the crudest of their behavior.

Another view--there's way too much human involvement in these 'Transformers' movies. In nearly every other Transformers media, you have maybe a small handful of token/pet/sidekick humans, while the primary focus is on the Transformers interacting with other Transformers. In Bay's versions...you have the bots in maybe half the movie, if you're generous. It's mostly Sam and his efforts to fail at getting laid. (And given the descriptions of 'Alice', I think Bay has been watching too much of SciFi's bad attempt to make a series named Battlestar Galactica).

I'm not going to get into the whole McGuffin thing with the Allspark, the Matrix, and all the rest. I do, however, wish one simple question to be answered--just why have the Autobots been made into genocidal terrorists? I believe it's pointed out in the first movie that the whole reason the Decepticons are out and about has nothing to do with world or galactic conquest, has nothing to do with draining energy (though apparently the Autobots have taken *that* role on as well?)...the reason they were on Earth was because without the power plant that Optimus and crew stole, Cybertron and all the beings on it were *dying* of slow starvation. And for some reason Optimus is fine with killing off his entire race--not just Decepticons, but *everyone*. I wish someone would explain this decently.

Racism--bleh, not worth the time and effort, given the supposed 'reasons' for killing off Jazz in the 2007 movie (he was the 'most liked'...despite having even less screen time and development in this version than any of the other bots?), and the already commented on stereotypes shown in the new one.

One thing that simultanously amuses and irritates me is the failure to understand *why* people are so critical of this movie. There are people who criticize it simply because it's a Bay film--and more specifically because it's Bay's *style* involving explosions and the supposed need to turn your brain off in order to enjoy it. (This is perhaps one of the weaker reasons to criticize it, actually). There are some who criticize it because, independant of it being a Bay movie and even independant of being a *Transformers* movie...it's not really very good at all. There's amateur work online that, perhaps with the exception of the CG and Explosives budgets, are much better done. (This also covers the dislike of the potty-level humor).

And then there's one of the reasons that I and people like me criticize this, and other 'remake/reimagining' works (such as the Star Trek reimagining, the Sci-Fi channel Battlestar Galactica, the most recent Batman reboot, and the various Marvel Superhero movies). Simply put, Bay has decided to make a product tied to an existing body of work. This was primarily done to exploit the name-recognition and the existing fan base for that previously existing work, instead of going to the effort of creating an actual independant identity which he would have to drum up a fan base for using things like actual 'quality'. However, doing something like this involves a responsibility to the existing work as well--to make your new work a part of what's already been done, instead of simply ripping it off or making something that makes the worst fanfic out there look good. Bay, unfortunately, hasn't done this--at best, he's put out a few tidbits (such as Peter Cullen as Prime's voice) in order to try to quell the discontent of the fan base he's exploiting--while basically giving the middle finger to all the elements that cause that fan base to *want* a Transformers work in the first place.

And what's truly soul-killing? That so many people in this ADD generation *are* willing to be brainless, throw their money at Bay, and encourage him to continue this behavior. Granted, he's not the *only* film-make doing this these days--but he is one of the worst. The world has taken fecal matter, put it onto a pedestal, enshrined it, worship it, and tithe heavily to it. It almost makes me hope the 2012ers are right. :-/

what a wonderful piece of dumba**ery. I assume you didn't actually pay attention to the movie when you watched it but rather thought about how you would mock a perfectly wonderful piece of cinema. Way to mock a greater achievement than you'll ever have in your life

This is f'n fantastic.

I almost want to see this piece of crap based solely on your descriptions, but I'd be severely disappointed and pissed off by the lack of humor this waste of film should have for itself.

Bravo, seriously.

This movie is the most disapointed film at 2009. Iz's a shit.

but:

" submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up."

Thats becouse the Decepticons raise up Black Out too! In the end of the first movie, Black Out was barried under the sea near to Megatron. So Black Out is the sixth Decepticon who shows up the submarine's radar, but Bay don't show us this part.

My Friend and I (both avid transformers 1stGen) and first live movie fans both sat and groaned our way through this movie, every once in w while curling around a gut shot of stupidity.. then as the movie ended and we blearily came out of our pain filled haze, we were astonished to hear Applause!!! thats right, people in the theater were clapping for this bombshell of a gong show of .. makes me sad

Devastator had Balls!!!!!! what the hel!l!!

Yea, more internet rage about a giant robot movie!

Its done 450 million dollars world wide. My personal view is that some people can't see the wood for the trees.

From reading these posts, it looks like there are a lot of OCD sufferers out there.

Honestly, i enjoyed this far more than terminator or the dark knight (which, in my honest view, was not as good as people said, and wouldn't have done even half its business, if ledger hadn't died)

Seen it three times. Honestly, if you people can't enjoy the simple pleasure if just leaving your worries behind for 2 and half hours, i don't think theres anything wrong with the movie, i think theres something wrong with you.

To the person that said they called Arcee 'the arcee twins', you couldn't be more wrong. They called out 'Arcee, (notice the comma, notice the comma) Twins.

Major hints to this would have been shots of Arcee, AND THEN the twins.

But i guess none of this matters, if you want to hate, you'll hate.

I had the misfortune of walking into this movie without researching it.

I thought it would be as good and nice a story as the first Transformers.

Needless to say, I will never ever have the confidence again to ask people to a movie. Michael Bay damaged me psychologically.

My companions got bored after two hours and left. I felt ashamed that I had brought them with me to this movie. I wanted to puke and hurl. I was in inner agony.

How was the movie?

Pretty bad. I liked the slutty chick robot more than Megan Fox but was chastized for it on an online forum by Megan Fox lusters.

They should add a new warning as a standard, not unlike age restrictions: WARNING: MICHAEL BAY FILM!!!!

Thanks. I feel better now I got it out of my system.

ok, it seems like the comments alone hold a lot more words than the script for the first movie.
20.525 http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Transformers-The-Movie.html

Too many cooks spoil the broth.
One writer that delivers a consistent story would have done a better job for the movieS.

also: Opinions are like butts. Everyone's got one, but you don't want to see yours in the newspaper.

btw, i was referring to the VERY first movie , not transformers liveaction 1

Was undecided on seeing this movie, but after reading your review i just had to go see it.

And i have to report i enjoyed it, mainly because i couldn't care less about any plot or it making sense and just wanted to see giant robots fighting! (So yeah if they just leave out the boring bits with the humans next time!)

well wat can i say... but seriously some of the answers to the questions are wrong. Truly wrong......

Let us not forget (assuming that no-one has yet pointed this out) that the slut-bot was apparently very short sighted since Sam wrote the entirety of all the symbols-in-his-head-that-lead-to-the-location-of-the-energon-machine on the walls of his feckin' room that she/it didn't notice.

Clearly all her energy was expended in maintaining the slut disguise, since while Bumblebee could easily detect she was a slut, he couldn't tell she was a Decepticon...

As much as I hate to defend this movie, cause it pretty much sucks for all the reasons you stated, I believe the math for the Megatron revival is correct (I had read this article before going to the movie, so I paid extra attention during this scene).

5 robots go down.
1 small "doctor" robot pops out of one of the 5.

That makes 6.

Then 1 gets killed (now 5 robots), and Megatron gets revived (now 6).

Now, assuming the small robot stays outside of the big one (they do not show this one way or the other), and assuming the Navy sonar can track the small one as well, there would be 6 robots that would be going back up to the surface.

[When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up.]
If you remember in this scene, some tiny robot fuck comes out of the mouth of one of those other robot assholes, who then destroys one of the Decepticons to use as parts for Mega-jerk.
Thus, 5 go down, then there are 6, one is destroyed making 5 again, then Megatron is back, making 6. It works out.

For the last two posts, I agree with DR.MOVIE who said:
" submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up."

Thats becouse the Decepticons raise up Black Out too! In the end of the first movie, Black Out was barried under the sea near to Megatron. So Black Out is the sixth Decepticon who shows up the submarine's radar, but Bay don't show us this part.

I am curious as to if the DVD release will have an extended version that will answer this and all of the other questions that have arisen in this blog.

Because I'm willing to try anything ONCE, I saw it. There's no WAY that this movie is worth the money. The film makers were irresponsible for the fact that it was aimed at a young audience. It insulted the older audience who refuse to shut off their brains (and should not have to). It insults women for objectifying them so blatantly. It insults fans because when they say its 'based' on the TF franchise, it really ISN'T. Its like Bay just used a few recognizable chars to draw in the fan base to HIS movie and HIS robots (only Optimus looks like Optimus, and he's removed from the movie, kept OUT of the movie, his body is DROPPED in the movie just for good measure--like Bay slapping him and said 'See? I'm more important that YOU'). It isn't the look of the robots, or even the story line, but the fact that Autobts are supposed to cherish life--they're supposed to be the GOOD guys. Hunting and killing 'Cons who aren't DOING anything, Bumble Bee dancing in the blood of the enemy whose spine he just ripped out.

What absolutely fascinates me, is why it made SOOOO much money, with such negative reviews, and the absolute loyalty of of those willing to defend it with the 'just shut off your brain'. Which, ironically, I had to DO, just to prevent brain DEATH.

In answer to the dude who asked where did the baby transformers come from, the Fallen was so pissed that his bitch, Megatron, was dead, that he raped poor Starscream up the ass. Starscream then ended up pregnant (WTF???)

I really wish there were less human shit and more transformers. Poor Jolt didin't even get lines, Blackout came back (Cuz he teh best) for no reason and got owned, Devastator was turned into a laughing stock and the 3 bikes dissapeared for no reason. Poor Sideways and Demolisher were constantly featured in trailers but get owned in a minute. :(

Optimus was like the only saving grace. He kicked so much ass, He was badass in person. He RIPPED Blackout's face in half, beat Star with his own freaking arm and ripped off teh Fallens face. He is awesome. ALL HAIL OPTIMUS PRIME!!!

In short, Bay is shit, he shitted on our robotic friends and Teh Fallen neglects his parental duties and forces Star to do it. Poor Starscream :(

Blackout is awesome.

P.S I hope teh Transformer game can redeem its movie. It seems pretty sweet :)

Remember, never blame teh bots (except teh fucking twins), blame the director who shitted on them.

Screw U, Micheal Fuck! Go crawl back up yo momma's penis!

This is the greatest FAQ for anything I have ever read. However, for summing up the film in one line, I go to another John Turturro line from earlier after that old jet robot teleports everyone to Egypt. See, the robot won't explain why the fuck he teleported everyone there. So, Turturro says, like he's actually about the beat the shit out of the robot:

"Beginning. Middle. End. Plot. Details. Structure. Hit it."

I really hated seeing this film from the very beginning. The only redeeming factor is that I saw it for free. I really feel sorry for the millions who wasted their money on this incredible pile of shit.

U are right, Peter awesome. They should get to the point.

No, wait. They should include a FUCKING PLOT!!

If u or I or anyone else who respected transfomrers did this film, it would be better then random explosions all the time or vanishing robots

I mean, where did Barricade (teh police car) go?!

What about knocking down a wall in the Smithsonian Air and Space museum and walking out into the Arizona desert?

Omg stop saying the part of not knowing where the autobots were they were with the military and they kinda couldn't leave

That has to be one of the best movie F.A.Q.'s ever. Well done!!!!

Dude...You either:
1) Didn't actually watch the movie and just went off a summarized plot or something.
2) Watched the movie and are completely retarded.

You must not have been paying attention for 90% of the movie because almost every question you posted has a logical answer that was clearly given in the movie that you obviously missed. Watch the movie again with your questions in mind and pay attention.

Well for "The Beef's" hand injury, it was some-what clearly shown after they transport with that old jet Transformer, that his hand was burned from the transporting.

this guy is a retard. why are you over analyzing a fictional movie. its made from a cartoon for goodness sake. it was a good action movie.

hahaha I love you, I seriously do.

This FAQ is fantastic. You have summed it up perfectly. You only missed one major thing:

“The Beef” picks up the Matrix and it’s so old it crumbles into dust which goes all over a very messy pile of old ruins. He then picks up what could only be MOST of the dust and puts it in a bag. Then he carries this bag of dust around with him until he is killed, brought back to life, and then — without any explanation whatsoever — the dust from the Matrix is suddenly reconstructed back into the original object. It doesn’t even appear the dust has somehow “transformed” — it just literaly appears out of thin air.

I HATE this film so much.

I'm so glad that I was not the only person who found this movie ridiculous. Actually, it seems that I'm a part of the majority these days. Things I asked myself:

1. Do we need all this humping? How do robots get pleasure from humping?! They have no genitals!
2. Robots speak English now?
3. Is Mom trying to become some sort of dirty-mouthed sailor? Why did that pot brownie scene go on for so long?
4. Did that robot just fart a parachute?
5. I have to pee, should I come back?
6. Why does everything need a slow-motion sequence? No wonder the movie is so goddamn long.
7. Did Mikala just eat a bucket of fried chicken and then rub it all over her mouth? Why am I so close to her face?
8. What kind of person puts balls on a Transformer?
9. Who runs in the desert for with their jacket on?
10. This movie can't be this bad, did I fall asleep in the theatre?

That was hilarious, and spot on. I took my three kids and one of their friends to see this movie. It was ridiculous...I actually fell asleep three different times. None of it made any sense. Your commentary was wwwaaayyyy more entertaining!

The whole Smithsonian scene, inside and out, was actually the Pima County Air & Space Museum. I don't know who decided to pass off Tucson, AZ, as Washington D.C., but it didn't work.

i think these so called critics' and wanna be critics are a big waste of space. And your opinion means nothing

Beautiful & accurate summary. Thank you.

I personally enjoyed the movie. yes i am a stupid idiotic simple minded moron. plot holes an all else aside, i didn't base my opinions of what i heard before i saw the movie on the movie itself. i never do for any movie. i found it hilarious and thought the action was good. could it have been better? 10x times better but u can say the same for thousands of movies that have been made. I'm not gonna site any specifics about the movie except that i generally enjoyed it and only watched it once.

This movie have the worst storyline ever..

Oh, and yes, if you say Dark Knight was bad, then check the worldwide box office...do you see the difference in numbers between TDK and TF:ROTF?

2 Thumbs & 2 Toes Up For The Brilliant Job Of Summarizing A Perfectly Resentful Movie Of All Time.

Magnificent review!

Spot on :)

Hahahaha! I was laughing through the whole FAQ.

You are a funny individual. This was a much needed laugh. Michael Bay must be stopped.

Ooooo, oooooo, ooooooo! Do the latest Terminator Movie! Please! Please!

[quote:]["When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right?No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors."]
------------------------------------------------------------
(If I'm wrong, please tell me.. 'cause I'm now a bit unsure)

Well... to explain this, When the 5 Decepticons went down to retrieve Megatron, a Minicon(The Doctor), popped out of one of the Decepticons to look him over(creating 6 signatures), He ordered them to "kill the little guy" for parts(creating 5 signatures). Finally, they went ahead and revived Megatron(once again creating 6 sigs), and buggered off.

(5+1-1+1=6)

It still doesn't explain why none of them (including Megatron) were crushed by the "intense pressure" of the Laurentian Abyss... (They dumped Meggie there so he would be crushed, right?)

Great post dude. I just realize about teleport. If Jetfire teleport, it should be Optimus Prime too, because he is leader of Autobots, The Fallen too right? I'm soo FUCKING LOL

"the teleportation gimmick was to let autobots(cars) keep up with decepticons(jets), wasn't it? in the cartoon autobots flew like superman anyway, which also looked silly. what else would one write?"

the thing is jetfire was actually a decpticon. but he at some point decided decpticons were evil and became an autobot, but forgot to change his logo.

That is the stupidest thing I've read this week. I just saw the movie and I thought it's great. You always forget the fact that the movie is based on Cartoon! It is supposed to have bad storyline and cheesy lines and all that crap. But you are all idiots and you can't look beyond this.

I liked it. It was a fun watch. I don't go through life looking to be disappointed, sometimes a robot has balls. Get over it. Have fun, or stay out of the theater! When Optimus got upgraded, it was one of those uber Robot Show moments from our childhood, got a big bad guy who is a little bigger and badder than you? Time to upgrade some shit so they can make a toy about it you'll demand that your mother buys for you! That was classic! I've already seen it twice!!

Wow, that was terrible. Did you not watch this or the first movie? I get that you're doing your very best to try to be funny, but when most of this stuff is actually explained in the movies you're just making yourself look like a moron...

Rob Bricken, "I am interested in your opinion and wish to subscribe to your newsletter." LOL!

Your review was the most entertaining thing I have read in a long, long time.

Of course, I also applaud the individuals who feel they must vociferously defend the modern trend of cobbling together a "movie" from seemingly randomly organized clips of film and then shout at any "fool" who expects or indeed merely misses logic or a plot or a story line from a "purely visual medium". Kudos to mindlessness!

Wow.. you must have seen a much better movie than I did! One point you missed.

This is a movie about toys. fun toys that 6 year old boys like to play with (and older ones but lets talk about the 6-10 year olds).

They should not be coming to a movie that has the word Shit in it. Period. The producers and sponsors of this movie are FUCKERS.

Yes.. i know.. th emovie is made for adults.. BLAH BLAH BLAH... but everyone knows a TON of kids are coming.. so why can't they make this a PG movie? God.. why not a G-Rated movie.

Fuck hollywood. The sex stuff in this movie should be Shoved down speilbutts throat. SCREW speilbergfreak.

The way they make the parents so stupid.. is FUCKING FUCK.

Fuck em.
Note.. this commentary is ment only for adults.

@Kent J
Wow, you must be American... People get killed in all the battles, but you're concerned about the word shit and some sexual references. Priorities, people!

This is absolutely dead-on. PERFECT review.

hey stupid fucking dumbasses
if you dont like Transformers 2 so much
why not make your own version of the movie
dumb fucks

here another stupid comment

Not Optimus?
No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.

optimus is DEAD fucking D-E-A-D DEAD
and jetfire is just sleeping

they needed a lot of energy to revive optimus
and jetfire just needs a shock

you fucking dumb fuckers

why not live your life
and dont waste time making this kind of things

stop defending an incredibly flawed move you fools.

It was a fun movie, nothing more. Don't defend it.

Hilariously accurate review :D

I still liked the film for what it was but :D

@COTBT
im not defending it
i just dont like this kind of things

I watched the movie 3 times (my colleagues at work, my friends and my own family) and I admit there are plenty of lapses... yes I enjoyed the visuals but again the epic of failure in the story is there.

Transformers 1: Why the Hell you would like to HIDE that freaking thing (the cube) within a civilian city? (when you know what's going to attack)

Transformers 2: Why can't Sam's spark sliver just revive Optimus similar to what the Decepticon's did to Megatron?

RAZON_STORM IF YOU DON'T REALIZE THIS FORGIVE ME BUT YOU YOU ARE RETARDED... MONKEY

AMAZING, THIS SUMS IT UP COMPLETELY. YOU COULDN'T HAVE EXPLAINED IT ANY BETTER. I FUCKING PAID £50 TO GO TO THE PREMIERE! I sat there shocked and my friend fell asleep, a fat guy next to me ate my complimentary chocolate bar... but i still had my free water... afterwards, while leaving the auditorium, i shook john's hand and told him he was very good only because all his bodyguards had run off with the youths and left him to find his own way out. but that was out of... what's the word? sympathy. yes. sympathy. I then stood around for a while and michael bay looked at me and my friend (who was wiping sleep from her eyes) and ignored the look of confusion on my face before leaving the foyer.

But that math's error was one of the big ones, i found another hideous FATAL flaw during the egyptian-who-the-hell-is-fighting-who-bomb-boobies-team-america,-fuck-yeah! war scene: (from imdb)

"According to the creators of the film, the Constructicons exist not as individuals, but as a legion of robots who each have one of seven body types. This is why Long Haul (Green Dump Truck), Rampage (Bulldozer), Scrapper (Yellow Scoop Loader) and Mixmaster (Cement Mixer) are fighting Bumblebee's group, while also seemingly being part of Devastator at the same time."

Now that is just WEAK.

and the ending..... after optimus saved the world, didn't anyone think the decepticons looked a little confused like "oh shit....erm... what do we do now?"

Bloody marvelous! Best laugh of the week. I have next to no knowledge of the Transformers - and am still pretty clueless after reading this - but this? This was brilliant. Thanks you.

This is for Arkham Ciel

In answer to your pressure question, it was simply the fact that the humans THOUGHT it might crush them. They simply did not grasp the fact that giant robots would surive.

and for your other one, Scalpel was too small and was stored in Ravage's chest, so he wouldn't have been picked up.

But well done for pointing these things out :)

Blackout is awesome.

they didn't revived Jazz..

the story was confusing. Im just impressed with the effects.

What kind of site is this?

I see the education level is pretty low or was the word "FUCK" the first word that was thought when u arrived at kinder garden level?

GROW UP PEOPLE....

Always fast to trash down something wonder if you can do better guess not all you do is stand in the corner and say fuck .....

Haters. your word of mouth will not kill this movie.

I'm so sick of Baylovers saying that we're just jealous and asking if we can do better.

Guess what. I'm convinced that if any of us had access to that 200 million budget we could make a movie ten times better. I, for one, would stick the camera on a tripod so we could make out what was going on in some scenes. I might even read the script beforehand so I would be able to tell which transformers are where, instead of just tossing them in and out of random shots whenever the mood hits me. Little things like that actually help a movie make sense.

All I know is, I heard about all the work and money that went into the film and wondered where it all went because it wasn't on the screen.

If you were entertained by the movie, good. If not, I can see why. I have literally watched(own more than 3000)thousands of movies over my lifetime. I like great movies, good movies, so-so movies and some crappy ones too. I grew up on 70's drive-in schlock, and loved it. I only want to feel at the movies end, that I was entertained. For me, Transformers 2 was not entertaining. Partly for some of the reasons above, but mostly it and to some extent, the first one - cheated me. The movies had several moments, that made me uncomfortable while watching it with my kids. One or more than one, were the "humping" scenes. The dogs trying to have sex everywhere and then the robot with the girl. Why? It made fun of substance abuse. Some of you won't get this, but drug jokes and funny scenarios are "ok" in movies - but why would you include that in this movie? Drug use is not a part of my personal life, and to have to explain a scene like that to children, while audience members are laughing about it, is awkward. If you think that is trivial, take a look at our youth today. The masturbation discussion in TR 1 . . . unnecessary. Any time I began to enjoy parts of either film, I was pulled out of it, by something stupid or unnecessary - in my opinion, of course. Last thing. The twins. You can hide behind comic relief or pretend it was to give the robots "personalities." Cool. But why were all the "personality traits" negative? Name one that was positive. Hmmm. Gold tooth, crooked misaligned teeth, misshapen heads, bad grammar, illiteracy, loudness, disrespect, fighting (with each other). There are probably more, but if you need them, it doesn't matter at this point. I have talked to people who were neutral about the movie, but said their small kids liked the "twins" and thought that they were funny. Considering the way the twins were voiced and acted out, I feel uneasy about kids being brought up to laugh at beings constantly carrying on with negative behaviors, stereotypes and the differences in people. Aren't our heroes supposed to have at least one good quality. I know that cartoons do this too, but usually they are tempered with other acts more positive, or in the case with the villains, they reform or get what they deserve. All cultures have traits and practices that make them unique and different. If the attempt was really for personality, and the positive was depicted, as well as, the negative. I might believe it. Didn't all the robots have some type of personalities? Yes, but they tended to be either "evenly" depicted or were positive to a fault. The shame is many people see that as ok, so it may gain more life in other movies. As we find this more and more acceptable - well, I just don't know. Notice that I did not name a particular ethnicity or culture. Several have been named already. But does that matter? Which one(s)? Have we given movie makers a pass? If enough stuff is blown up, and enough boobs bounce, everything is ok? If you were entertained by the movie, good. If not, I can see why.

Makes me wish there was a Blu Ray version with you guys doing MST3000 in the foreground, might make seeing this flick a possibility.

I blame the Devastator sack on truck nuts. Bet Bay's SUV has a set of platinum (dune?) ones.

@ Scott

I thought the article was hilarious and great but the math on the decepticons in the ocean was correct. 5 dive down. The little robot comes out of the jungle cat robot, making it 6. one is killed for parts to make 5. Megatron comes alive to make 6. I hope you didn't laugh too loud in the middle of the theater

meh, it was ok I guess. I didn't find a lot of it funny and sometimes it got overly picky to the point where I rolled my eyes at some of the questions/points or whatever.

TRANSFORMERS: ROTF..

ROTF - Rolling On The Floor.. all that's missing here is an L for Laughing

I don't care abot all Michael's shit but he really did sum.
Besides, (you may think i'm an idiot but i dont care) I think TRANSFORMERS FUCKING EXIST!!!

Absolutely awesome review !!
I love transformers and liked the first film alot, but the second is just awful, was so glad when it was over !! :(

All I have to say after reading this tremendous review is...

All Your Base Are Belong To Us!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fvTxv46ano

The movie is twisted yes, but you just didnt watch it careful enough.. FUCKTARD.
The point of the movie was the tech, not the plot...
Go watch Titanic or Angels&Demons if you want plot.

I agree with you wtf, I so many people making comments about the plot, well its not about the plot, transformers has been all about the conflict between Autobots and decepticons, no especial about it. But the cg effects is ultimately awesome its way better than the animation and Beastwars battle. Michael bay did an awesome job with it. for all those plot freak viewers, dont watch this movie, you will only disappoint and mislead other viewers that likes sci-fi action flicks...

THE best all-time album has got to be EAT THE PEACH by the led zepplein - fantastic

my biggest complaint was that the whole movie was from the perspective of the humans. And here i thought the first movie was supposed to do that to introduce the audience to the concept of fucking 40 foot tall talking robots. But no. they had to indroduce new characters and even bring back most of the minor characters from the first one.

Seriously, i can remember off the top of my head, optimus actually talking to the rest of the autobots in sort of a "football huttle" fashion a few times. like what an actual leader does. in the second one you not once see all of the autobots together.

also, what happened to soundwave? is he still floating around earth's orbit?

and why is the fallen only mentioned in the second movie, ya know? if he built the pyramids he shouldn't be fucking hiding on one of jupiter's moons, or saturn, or wherever. he should have enslaved mankind or whatever to look for the allspark, the matrix of leadership and all other primes. and by the way its pretty dumb that they only had one matrix things between the 7 of them.

it also pissed me off when the military or the heroes were looking for decepticons and they can't find them when they're in plain sight hiding as vehicles. that's the whole concept of transformers! wouldn't you look for cars or vehicles in the immediate area first?

also i wouldn't have known there were different types of decepticons, like constucticons if i hadn't had read about it before, because they certainly wouldn't explain them in the movie.

and why is Dwight from the office in there? stupid.