By Rob Bricken in
Nerdery
Friday, Aug. 21 2009 @ 2:00PM
Hello. I'm Rob Bricken, and I try to ruin nerds' lives with Fan Fiction Friday, showcasing some of the worst erotic fanfiction the internet has to offer. Usually, I laugh at your pain. But this week, my horrible bastardry has backfired as loyal TR reader Totz Zach has sent me this tale, and it has broken me.
Hogwarts sighed and it echoed within his empty halls. The students had all left for the summer and he felt empty and useless. Hagrid was often around, but he was usually too focused on bizarre animals to fulfill the needs of Hogwarts. Professors would pop in occasionally, but being a magic school, Hogwarts didn't need much upkeeping. The little he did need was taken care of by Filch. ...
The giant squid saw how miserable Hogwarts was. It was true that he also missed the students, but for an entirely different reason; he missed their terrified screams as he revealed himself, rising from the murky depths of the lake.
His huge eyes stared mournfully at his very large tentacles. At one time, he had dreams of being an actor. The larger he grew, the fewer agents and scouts would come calling, until they finally stopped altogether. There wasn't much in the market for a squid that would split a schoolgirl from stem to stern.
He stared at his tentacles as they moved gently in the current. Schoolgirls were out... A plan formed in his mind and he swam to the surface, hesitating momentarily before pulling himself from the water. It ran off of his rubbery skin in rivulets as he made his way across the grounds. No humans were around to witness the incredible trek and no human would believe his eyes had he been a witness.
Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his kitchen. "What are you doing?" The words weren't spoken, but they were understood.
"Just trust me," the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts' outerwalls.
I am so confused and hurt and bewildered by the insanity of all of this that I can't even make a joke. Hit to jump to read about a squid fucking a castle.
What possesses someone to write about architectural bestiality? I can't even imagine.
"I'm not ready!" Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.
"Hogwarts, you're lonely, I'm lonely. We don't have to be. Besides, you can't go around manipulating your staircases."
"You know about that!"
"Everyone does it. Sort of."
"That's beside the point. I've never..." The temperature within rose in embarrassment.
Just try and get the idea of Hogwarts masturbating out of your head the next time you see the staircases moving in a Harry Potter movie.
"I'll go slow. I promise." He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.
"I'll go slow" SAID THE GIANT SQUID TO THE BUILDING
Another sigh swept through the halls of Hogwarts. "Oh, Merlin. That feels so good." His rapture turned to fright as he felt a tentacle work its way into a second window. "I don't--"
"Trust me. It'll feel good. Remember this?" He pulled the suction cups a little harder and Hogwarts groaned.
"Do that again." The giant squid complied and as he did so, thrust his second tentacle in. Hogwarts shuddered, coming very close to ending the fun. The giant squid backed off, unwilling to finish so soon. He waited for Hogwarts to calm down before sending the second tentacle to search the room. He felt the need to fill Hogwarts as much as possible and he raised another tentacle, caressing his outer walls, running along windowsills and tracing individual bricks. So caught up in the bliss, Hogwarts didn't notice the giant squid slip in a third and fourth tentacle.
"This is incredible," Hogwarts breathed.
"This isn't even the best part." He held up his two longest tentacles. "These can reach farther than a room; they can go into your hallways."
What in fuck does "hallways" even signify? I don't even know which orifices the windows are supposed to be, AND GODDAMN THIS STORY FOR MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS
"I want them in me."
"I want them in me" SAID THE BUILDING TO THE GIANT SQUID
"Are you sure? They're quite large."
Apprehension rolled through his kitchen again. While he was deciding, the giant squid forced another tentacle in. "You have three tentacles left to decide."
"What happens if I don't?"
In response, the giant squid slid a sixth into another window. "Two," he said simply and with a hint of warning.
Hogwarts could take them all, he knew he could. But what would the other wizarding schools think? Would Beauxbatons allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not! If Durmstrang ever found out, there'd be no end of teasing.
what
The giant squid grew impatient and slid a seventh tentacle into a window, followed immediately by an eighth. "Two. One. Time's up and you didn't decide."
"What! But that's not fair!"
"It's a simple answer: yes or no. Now I'll have to punish you." And with that, he struck Hogwarts square on the outer wall with a paddle-like tentacle. Hogwarts yelped and tried to squirm away, but the tentacles and his foundation held firm. The giant squid struck him with the other. Again and again he spanked the naughty wizarding school until he sobbed for the giant squid to stop. And still he spanked.
Am I tripping? Has someone really written this down, or is this just some elaborate, horrible nightmare?
The giant squid finally stopped, but Hogwarts didn't have time for a reprieve before the giant squid forced his extra long, spanking tentacles into two separate windows. They slid through the room and forced the doors open, the pain only adding to Hogwarts' pleasure. The tentacles were in the halls now, massaging the long, stone tunnels.
This was incredible, the giant squid thought. He really should have done this ages ago. Every tentacle was in a different window. No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all ten tentacles at once. Each one moved differently and with a different pace, driving Hogwarts crazy with the inability to match his speed.
what
He felt that familiar feeling and doubled his efforts. Ink exploded all over Hogwarts, some finding its way into the windows. He unified his tentacles somewhat, completely focused on Hogwarts. He must be close.
Then it happened: water shot out of faucets, toilets overflowed and bread set in ovens to keep warm by thoughtful house-elves exploded. Hogwarts shook violently to his foundations, rousing Filch from bed and sending house-elves and Mrs Norris scrambling for cover. Even Hagrid heard the groan of stone and came running.
The building has orgasmed. Specifically, a giant squid has brought Hogwarts to orgasm. And thus we have discovered there is no loving god in this universe.
They searched around the castle and through the castle, but found no sign of intruders. Most perplexing was the sticky ink on one side of the castle. Hagrid peered through the dark toward the lake, but was unable to see the ripples left in the wake of the giant squid.
The giant squid slipped beneath the waves, wanting to grin even though his beak was incapable. He anticipated a very short summer before the professors and students returned, so he had better make the most of it.
The end. And while most of you are weeping and slitting your wrists, just hoping to make the dark void of sense that is this story to stop assaulting your mind, I can't help but think about one thing -- this person had parents. Parents who maybe did or did not love him, but clearly did something incredibly wrong that their child would end up writing squid-on-building erotic fan fiction. Do you think they know? Is this their punishment for writing Tolkien fan fic back in their youth? I don't know. All I do know is that if I ever have a child, and I find him dead in some kind of hideous autoerotic asphixiation-related accident, I will cry in relief and think, "Thank Evil Flying Jesus, better this than writing squid-on-building erotic fan fiction."
117 comments
Comments
Ben Aronson said:
FIRST!!!!! HAHAHA!!!! Really, it's a double first, because my first comment and my first FIRST!!!
cummins said:
This is now my favorite Fan Fiction Friday installment ever.
"I'm not ready!" Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.
Bread set in ovens? Holy shit. I can't unread that. Thanks for ruining my weekend Rob!
James Wortman said:
Probably the best FFF yet! Thanks for the laugh, Rob!
Lo Pan said:
"And still he spanked."
And still I'm stunned.
Honest this is a new feeling for me after reading FFF. As you well know, usually its disgust and despair. Here I'm simply....just... wtf am I? WTF IS THIS?
tasakeru828 said:
Just when I think FFF can't possibly get any weirder... How the hell do you find this stuff, Rob?!
longbowhunter said:
WIN!!!! Something has finally unseated The Creation of a Dry Bones...at least in my opinion. This is now,without a doubt,the strangest fucking thing I have ever read in the history of the internet. Heres hoping we see a Giant Squid make a cameo in one of the remaining HP movies....
Snoodle said:
If I told you I've already read this...would that make the situation better or worse? Still, always good for a laugh!
Reminds me of this Watchmen fic I read once where the Comedian saw the squid and said something to the effect of "It's not gonna rape itself!"
Ah, good times on the internet.
Merle said:
I'm going to assume the author was trying to be funny; a feat s/he accomplished magnificently. God help us if they were really getting off on this idea.
"At one time, he had dreams of being an actor." It's so sad when a promising young actor such as Mr. Giant Squid ends of having to do porn to pay the bills.
"But what would the other wizarding schools think?" My building thinks your building is a slut.
ClancyDamon said:
There is a very fine line between complete batshit insanity and groundbreaking genius. This author has made a mockery of that line.
Thank you Rob, this so fuck-nuts insane and thought-provokingly brilliant that I am forever changed.
Chief Supreme said:
I thought after that pokemon story, no fan fic would surprise me again, I was wrong. I would never, ever imagine a squid humping a building as a possible scenario. Who the Hell comes up with these improbable/impossible pairings!? This one was even better than that helicopter/jeep "Cars" fanfic you posted a while ago.
I don't know how this can be topped in weirdness, maybe "Unicron rapes the sun" or something.
renQuixotic replied to Chief Supreme:
ogodiwouldsoreadastoryaboutaunicornrapingthesun
Bookfisher said:
Overflowed toilets was no picnic before, but now, gllllrrr!
Talking about pathetic fallacy in overdrive, is this how houseboats are created ?
Dork Loser said:
What the F...
This has to be a joke. I know there are lots of odd fetishes, and normally I can live and let live, but building/cephalopod porn??? SERIOUSLY?!?! WHY???
T16skyhopp said:
This has to have been a joke. Right? RIGHT?
Church said:
"No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all ten tentacles at once. "
The frak?
Also, I'm quite disturbed that "Would Beauxbatons allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not! If Durmstrang ever found out, there'd be no end of teasing." made perfect sense to me.
And what of the house elves? Did nobody think of them?
Sean said:
You know the worst part of all this? My step-son is going to school to be an architect. Next time I see plans for a building he designed I know I'm going to make note of what doors and windows the neighboring squid can use to get the building to blow it's loaf.
Even the ridiculous FFF's find a way to ruin part of my life.
Church said:
@Sean You should just casually ask him if he squid-proofed the building. And then act like he's crazy for not having considered that.
Cassandra said:
Wow... just wow. That was brilliant.
Echoing the thoughts of a few other posters, I honestly thought that Pokemon and Dry Bones would be impossible to top... but this! Genius.
Another thought, and this is something I would never have imagined myself considering. So, if Hogwarts orgasms by having its hallways and windows manipulated, how the hell does it put up with a few hundred students and teachers constantly moving around its corridors, opening windows, closing doors during semesters? I mean, a secondary level school is far from being a peaceful place. It must be the equivalent of never-ending clitoral stimulation.
Shibbee said:
I feel uncomfortable even sitting in my own house now...
Sean said:
@Church I think I may try that. It's not like I'll forget between now and the next time he brings a project like that home with him. I have this FFF burned into my brain as a reminder.
Sigue said:
I can't say this disturbed me as much as Drybones or The Pokemon Story, but this is easily the STRANGEST thing you've ever posted. How do people come up with this stuff?
Mirra said:
This is either the most clever pornographic fanfic parody or the worst completely straight pornographic fanfic I have ever read.
I like to think it's the former to keep me sane, but a small part of me tells me it's really the latter.
Kaitie said:
I can't stop laughing.... Oh my god... What the hell is wrong with people?? I think I'm laughing to keep myself from crying.
polledy said:
does this count as calamari porn?
MattK said:
I'm almost a bit disappointed that there's no Toht-Melting image...though in this case, I think a Scanners head explosion is more appropriate.
Before today, there seemed like an unspoken limit to how long FFF could last. It seemed like once you cover just about every fictional (and non-fictional) character, a repeat would just be derivative. Now, we have setting getting into the act. There is no limit. Once the world ends, FFF will still be there.
Kinda makes you wonder if there's a King Kong X Empire State Building fic out there
Portion of Foxes said:
fucked up
i feel like vomiting, also a colossal squid woulda been more fucked up
MattK said:
"No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all ten tentacles at once."
Now you know...and that's one to grow on!
Tater said:
If the hallways are Hogwarts' pleasure center then shouldn't it be getting off all the time since people are, you know, walking through them all the time?
rubyrose said:
i love how i noted that "humans" maybe should have been muggle.
i felt some emotion while reading this but i have no idea what it was. i did a lot of "oh god why? why does this exist? who? why?"
i don't even know what i feel. or think.
Ken said:
I have to say, that is the most bizarre fetish I've ever heard of. Squids fucking buildings. That's a pretty niche audience. I hope.
Godzillapez said:
This was amazing...so brilliant...so turned on right now.
Adam said:
eight tentacles, two arms.
At least learn squid anatomy if you are going to masturbate to them...
Goose said:
Is this real? It's so bad it seems like a parody of other fan fiction.
"Even Hagrid heard the groan of stone and came running."
If is true that is real and not a piss take, then there is no God.
MerlinTWizard said:
I'm with Merle and others. I cannot conceive of this as being anything other than an intentional joke. The alternative is too mind-meltingly horrifying.
However, as a joke, it's probably the funniest thing I've seen since Rifftrax last night.
whowhatwhere said:
Why... just why.... who wakes up and says... "I'm gonna write a story about a giant squid screwing hogwarts." Just wait till the squeal. Giant Octopus does azkaban. "Second encounter"
Caleigh said:
I'm dreaming. I'm actually dreaming. There's no way I actually read that. Soon I will wake up and tell my friends what a crazy FFF dream/nightmare I had, and resolve to stop falling asleep high in front of horror movies.
One, two, three--wake up! One, two, three--wake up!
Mr.Death said:
@Adam That's an octopus. A squid really does have 10 tentacles.
This is the most I've laughed at a FFF since the Goof Trope one. Hilariously insane. Also, if the toilets overflowing=orgasm, than does Moaning Myrtle live in Hogwarts' G-Spot or something.
Beloch said:
Oh Merlin is this ridiculous!!
rubyrose said:
@Mr.Death maybe she's Moaning Myrtle for just that reason.
JB said:
The Pokemon story still disturbs me more, that one was full of so many horrible things but this is just about a school having consensual sex with a squid.
It's still weird as fuck though, I think we have somehow come full circle with a squid tentacle fucking a schoolgirl when he's young and fucking a school as he grows old.
Motorthing said:
The fuck?
I'll give it this...this bastard has some imagination. Totally off the charts insane and probably thinks he's a Loofah gone in the head but he has an imagination.
Top that.
jonx said:
"He felt that familiar feeling and doubled his efforts."
The squid hated the prequels, but jerked off to Otoh Gunga.
Superfecta said:
Nice!
Almost as good as the Barbaro-Jesus slash a friend wrote once as a joke (that was taken seriously by a worrying number of people in Crazytown).
Church said:
@Adam You're the most pedantic commenter on the squid-humps-school slashfic thread.
Proud? Should be.
darkmagician66699 said:
Words completely escape me at this moment. I seriously couldn't even finish reading this. WTF? Seriously, I mean WTF? What is wrong with people out there writing this stuff? And where does one even find this on the internet.
OMG I'm gonna poke my fucking eyes out. I don't want to see any more writing in my lifetime. Just pictures. No words - pictures only.
Stick said:
You know what, even if this was meant to be a parody, it still means someone thought of this. They couldn't have been thinking about any number of things, maybe a cure for cancer, but no. They cose to tink about a squid and a building...
darkmagician66699 said:
Rather than read this, I'd recommend you make your way over to this site:
All the kink and porn, less the buildings and giant squids!
NeverPlayedWOW said:
I've seen and heard about a lot of fetishes before but.......building porn?n Seriously?
T-Spawn said:
Wow. Just wow. I've shyed away from reading fan fictions for this reason. They are very lulzy but the fact that someone. Some person would write these horrible thoughts is disgusting. Do you think this person jizzes their pants every time they eat calamari or enter a doorway?
Arsenal said:
can some one pull this trigger for me? I can't reach it?
I mean really? I have no words for this, what was it? Why was it written, is there a subclass of people that search for this stuff?
All I have now is questions.
Bill said:
Where was the Mega-Shark? Surely it was swimming around somewhere nearby?
emerson999 said:
This is both the greatest and worst thing ever.
un lapin said:
...is it sad that this isn't the first architecture-themed erotic fanfic I've seen?
At least the building didn't get pregnant in this one.
thepandabetweenus said:
...I only wish I could write fanfiction this brain-breakingly amazing.
This is my new favorite piece of writing ever. Oh man, I knew people wrote plenty about the giant squid, but...with a building...what...I don't even...I love this.
Drew said:
AMAZING, that was truly a feat. Hemmingway, Poe, and Adams got nothing on this work of literature. A true masterpiece!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go kill myself...
Captain EO said:
@ un lapin the building got what now?
I don't know what my brain is supposed to do with this FFF. It's too ridiculous to leave me horrified like with Dry Bones. It's so absurd that I just feel kind of empty, though that could be because a part of me has died, possibly my soul. At least the bits that imply the squid did things with schoolgirls in the past were recognizable as a screwed up fetish. But the rest seems like it shouldn't be able to exist. Even if this is a joke, why would someone write a story like this?
S Jacka said:
I think I'm most confused by how this can even be considered erotic really. This is just amazingly ridiculous. And did the fucking bread explode?! What the hell?
cocacolaoso said:
First the Twilight dildo now...tentacle sex/building fetishism?!?! You guys have no pity!
This is most amazingly fucked up thing I have ever read!!! Does JK Rowling knows the kind of inspiration she brings with her work to the fans of horny giant squids & hanky panky buildings?
While I read it I was vomiting and laughing at the same time!!!
Rhion replied to cocacolaoso:
Twilight Dildo? Please, please tell me that doesn't exist. Unless of course it's as screwed up as Squid/Buidling p0rn. Then point the way, cuz I find that the best way to kill my enemies is to make them piss themselves laughing, choke on their coffee or y'know... cause them to commit suicide via slicing their arms off with a Mars bar wrapper.
StoneMaven replied to Rhion:
it sparkles, and the ad copy states something to the effect of that you can put it in the fridge for that "undead" feel.
Amanduh said:
Wow. I'm too bewildered by this to be disgusted by it. That's a Fan Fiction Friday first!
Brion said:
You know their are actual people in this world that are attracted to buildings?!
But this is just wild, not as bad as the Pokemon story, but just as insane.
Bob said:
Huh. Maybe this person is the kind that likes to hump picnic tables or marry his or her pillow?
Scortia said:
That wasn't horrifying. It was just ridiculously funny.
Anonymous said:
Pokemon story, Betty Boop and Che and my favourite, Goku and Anne Frank are forever burned in me.
But this is something else...
electronsexparty said:
This was a fun FFF for a change instead of a disturbing one. This was obviously crack-fic, and not a poorly written one at that.
korg20000bc said:
This is actually a Lovecraft story.
Kayla said:
...What the frak was this?
Is this considered gay porn? I'm assuming the squid was male as it did enter Hogwarts, but he also referred to Hogwarts as male.... OMG IT GOT ME TOO!!!! WHY AM I PICKING THIS STORY APART?!
Also, the squid shouldn't say "This was incredible" while he's still performing the action.
OHMIGOD. Is there a way to turn my brain OFF?
Skemono said:
Kinda makes you wonder if there's a King Kong X Empire State Building fic out there
...there will be soon!
I still want to see GLaDOS / Castle Heterodyne fics. Someone get on that!
ryogasasaki said:
@Kayla. I must admit that I was wondering why Hogwarts was being referred to as "him".
@un lapin. pregnant? really? wtf?
I must announce that in my few horrible months of being familiar with FFF this is the first one that I actually finished....
Fuck! And right now I'm halfway through my 17th reading of The Half-Blood Prince! Gaah!
FUCK this shit!!!
Lulu said:
Maye this is a really bizarre mad libs? the combination doesn't make for any other explanation.
Svelt Gastropod said:
My only question is whether my own orgasm was a clever parody or not.
This was incredible.
Kara said:
This was hilarious! The strangest thing ever.
Bowser said:
Haha.. Wow..
Lucy said:
Frank Lloyd Wright coffee table books seem so dirty to me now.
Capsulesn'Coffee said:
"At one time, he had dreams of being an actor. The larger he grew, the fewer agents and scouts would come calling, until they finally stopped altogether."
"No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all ten tentacles at once."
My guess is that the author is a washed up child star.
This FFF was absolutely hilarious, its simply beyond comprehension. When I got to the part of the squid wanting to be an actor I could actually feel my mind shatter. The part about Hogwarts worried about being considered a slut by the other schools finished off what sanity I had left. I am going to go drink now.
Django said:
Rob, I'm super impressed with this find. This story is beyond all belief. I don't even feel slightly guilty for reading this because it's SO FUCKING STUPID. Awesome. Thank you for brightening my day!
Tonik said:
Which one do you think the author would like to be? The squid or the building? Why am I even asking? Dear god.
Excuse me, I'm going to go see if I can find what remains of my sanity hiding behind the couch.
Wonder Pigeon said:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Ace of Knaves said:
Oh look, we've reached the fan fiction event horizon. The point where I cannot comprehend the human being who wrote this. David Garrett? Yeah, I can imagine a few terrifying people like that. Che Guevara and Betty Boop get you off? Sure, to each his own. Goku fights Hitler for the love of Anne Frank? Hell, that's almost cool, and sort of hilarious.
But this? What the FUCK is THIS? A squid is pushing it. But if you were to ask me if there are people who get hot and bothered thinking about a squid having sex with the Little Mermaid or Aquaman or motherfucking Jabberjaw, then yeah, I would say yes. Because I've seen a few dark corners of the internet.
But I cannot comprehend someone being aroused by a squid and Hogwarts having sex. Because Hogwarts is a building. A squid is a cephalopod. NEITHER OF THEM POSSIBLY HAVE SEXUAL APPEAL ON THEIR OWN AND COMBINING THEM DOES NOTHING TO CHANGE THIS. HAVE PEOPLE MASTURBATED TO THIS? HOW MANY PEOPLE? My mind. It is boggled. Not disgusted, not amused, not sickened. Simply, for the first time reading this segment, boggled.
amarygma said:
This was probably right up there with Anne Frank and DBZ as bizarre pairings go.
demoncat said:
that story not only is it wrong on all levels is the king of the most evil fff ever. for only a mind so evil could decide to write about arcitectular beastality for HOgwart's itself getting some from a squid that is wrong on so many levels including a insult to nature.
Cess Pitt said:
OMFG - i collapsed in laughter, hitting the table and weeping
Poopenshaft said:
Bravo, Rob. Bravo. Easily my favorite of all FFFs so far.
Sylvia said:
What the fek was that?
It wasn't even disgusting/offensive, just bizarre.
Sebastian said:
Thank you for sharing.
Audrey said:
lol that is so tame compared to most HP fanfiction. (It doesn't even get to badfic territory! It's pretty good crack, imo.)
I won't link because I'm a good person, though.
Rachel said:
This made my day. Seriously. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
Pedro said:
OH. MY. LORD. I couldn't think of anything to write the first time reading this through, I was speechless. But this just seems to me now like another weak Family Guy joke gone awry.
Kal-El Summers said:
The bit about Hogwarts moving the staircases to "masturbate" literally broke my brain. And then I started thinking about how something like could actually happen. And then, I went outside praying for a lightning bolt to strike to end the pain.
Someone sent me pics of Gundams fucking and it didn't blow my mind like this.
soj said:
This was a most impressive demonstration of Rule 34.
Chief Supreme said:
I don't know how this can be topped in weirdness, maybe "Unicron rapes the sun" or something.
Oh hell yes. Please.
Adam E. said:
This one just isn't painful. It's too funny. I think the writer was seriously making a big joke and that it's purposely goofy. The spelling's too good, and, I dunno, it simply feels self-aware that the bestiality x building is fucking stupid.
Izzlemashizzle said:
Cant. Stop. Laughing.
Hmmm... said:
This one is priceless. The Pokemon story was just disturbing, but this one has its value, as attested to by the many people posting various sentences - there's so much backstory to the squid that is only hinted at...
Spongestar Screampants said:
What.
I suddenly realized that I missed the FFF, so I ran over here to read it... and now I am speechless. Thanks for rendering me unable to do anything remotely productive today, because I will still be going WTF over this.
And to think, I was about to read all the Harry Potter books again... looks like I will have to skip over any mention of the castle and/or the squid in my readings... so there goes half the series. Wow.
WTF?
David said:
Is it bad that I just find all of these fanfics hilarious, even the infamous Pokemon one?
alekrocks! said:
this is soooo hot! jk jk its funny
chudleycannons said:
Is it bad that I looked up the original story and found more by the author?
Christa said:
I'm laughing so hard...but only to keep from crying.
You're doing it wrong! You have to keep the best jokes for last. Great, now it's going to be like cocaine; everything after here is going to remind us that we can never again reach this high. Chris Farley did it right, waiting for the best of his jokes to come /after/... well, of course they were about him, but...
eddie said:
Exxxcellent FFFan FFFiction FFFriday!
And, clearly, the secret to whiter teeth is...
...colour balance in photoshop. Sheesh.
fart said:
i just came bucketloads
Ellington said:
There are no words... to describe this...
This is the first time I've been to FFF...
I'm scared.
co said:
Well. Eh... Did you think this wasn't a joke?
Gwen said:
FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN HERE AND...
THIS WEBSITE IS MY NEW HOME.
Brenna said:
Oh dear sweet jesus. Someone actually wrote that.
I cannot fathom what kind of brain it requires to even ponder writing about such a thing. And yet I had to read the whole thing. One can't start reading something like that and not finish.
Mel said:
I approve. xD
varenofantewar said:
holy flying fuck this is hilarious!! I almost want to meet the depraved child who wrote this, just to make sure there truly is someone that lonely on this earth. this is the funnyest thing I've read in a long time. thanks rob!
NancyBoy said:
This reads like a parody of horrible, sexually frustrated fan fiction. I mean who could have written that with a straight face?
Peter Greene said:
Ooooh shieeeeaiiigh! H. P. Lovecraft would start caressing the corpse of Daddy Dunsany even in death were this monstrosity recited near his unhallowed groundhole. This is not wrong, merely bigger than all of us.
P
Anonymous said:
granted, there is such a thing known as "crack fic", which is written solely to horrify people. it is a guarantee that when the writing itself isn't riddled with errors and self-inserts, the author actually knows what they're doing
animefreak0999 said:
Shi-chan & Je-chan: WTF! What will the other wizarding schools think indeed! They will think Hogwarts is a whore a slutty squid loving whore! We didn't know squids had 10 tentacles and wouldn't u know Hogwarts took them all like a champ or like a boss as some would say. We'd also like to point out that if ur going to identify the building as a man this is also technically a yaoi fic XD LOL! Just thought u should know. We'd like to meet this person and their parents and simultaneously slap them in the face and be all like "go to therapy" cause u obviously need it. Nonetheless it was funny unless they meant it to be serious then it's disturbing and it was well written...grammar wise. That's all have a good day and don't forget to protect ur wizarding schools from tentacle penetration from sexually deprived giant squids!
N/A said:
For weirdness, win.
For sheer balls-to-the-wall revulsion? Still doesn't cap Celebrian.
Steeple said:
You may be weeping and reaching for the booze, but I am laughing my ass off. Oh my god, crack porn (and a horrified reaction) is just what I needed to cheer me up
Annie said:
wrong. wrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrong....
