Fan Fiction Friday: Hogwarts and a Giant Squid in "First Encounter"

By Rob Bricken in Nerdery
Friday, August 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Hello. I'm Rob Bricken, and I try to ruin nerds' lives with Fan Fiction Friday, showcasing some of the worst erotic fanfiction the internet has to offer. Usually, I laugh at your pain. But this week, my horrible bastardry has backfired as loyal TR reader Totz Zach has sent me this tale, and it has broken me.

Hogwarts sighed and it echoed within his empty halls. The students had all left for the summer and he felt empty and useless. Hagrid was often around, but he was usually too focused on bizarre animals to fulfill the needs of Hogwarts. Professors would pop in occasionally, but being a magic school, Hogwarts didn't need much upkeeping. The little he did need was taken care of by Filch. ...

The giant squid saw how miserable Hogwarts was. It was true that he also missed the students, but for an entirely different reason; he missed their terrified screams as he revealed himself, rising from the murky depths of the lake.

His huge eyes stared mournfully at his very large tentacles. At one time, he had dreams of being an actor. The larger he grew, the fewer agents and scouts would come calling, until they finally stopped altogether. There wasn't much in the market for a squid that would split a schoolgirl from stem to stern.

He stared at his tentacles as they moved gently in the current. Schoolgirls were out... A plan formed in his mind and he swam to the surface, hesitating momentarily before pulling himself from the water. It ran off of his rubbery skin in rivulets as he made his way across the grounds. No humans were around to witness the incredible trek and no human would believe his eyes had he been a witness.

Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his kitchen. "What are you doing?" The words weren't spoken, but they were understood.

"Just trust me," the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts' outerwalls.

I am so confused and hurt and bewildered by the insanity of all of this that I can't even make a joke. Hit to jump to read about a squid fucking a castle.

What possesses someone to write about architectural bestiality? I can't even imagine.

"I'm not ready!" Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.

"Hogwarts, you're lonely, I'm lonely. We don't have to be. Besides, you can't go around manipulating your staircases."

"You know about that!"

"Everyone does it. Sort of."

"That's beside the point. I've never..." The temperature within rose in embarrassment.

Just try and get the idea of Hogwarts masturbating out of your head the next time you see the staircases moving in a Harry Potter movie.

"I'll go slow. I promise." He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.


Another sigh swept through the halls of Hogwarts. "Oh, Merlin. That feels so good." His rapture turned to fright as he felt a tentacle work its way into a second window. "I don't--"

"Trust me. It'll feel good. Remember this?" He pulled the suction cups a little harder and Hogwarts groaned.

"Do that again." The giant squid complied and as he did so, thrust his second tentacle in. Hogwarts shuddered, coming very close to ending the fun. The giant squid backed off, unwilling to finish so soon. He waited for Hogwarts to calm down before sending the second tentacle to search the room. He felt the need to fill Hogwarts as much as possible and he raised another tentacle, caressing his outer walls, running along windowsills and tracing individual bricks. So caught up in the bliss, Hogwarts didn't notice the giant squid slip in a third and fourth tentacle.

"This is incredible," Hogwarts breathed.

"This isn't even the best part." He held up his two longest tentacles. "These can reach farther than a room; they can go into your hallways."

What in fuck does "hallways" even signify? I don't even know which orifices the windows are supposed to be, AND GODDAMN THIS STORY FOR MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS

"I want them in me."


"Are you sure? They're quite large."

Apprehension rolled through his kitchen again. While he was deciding, the giant squid forced another tentacle in. "You have three tentacles left to decide."

"What happens if I don't?"

In response, the giant squid slid a sixth into another window. "Two," he said simply and with a hint of warning.

Hogwarts could take them all, he knew he could. But what would the other wizarding schools think? Would Beauxbatons allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not! If Durmstrang ever found out, there'd be no end of teasing.


The giant squid grew impatient and slid a seventh tentacle into a window, followed immediately by an eighth. "Two. One. Time's up and you didn't decide."

"What! But that's not fair!"

"It's a simple answer: yes or no. Now I'll have to punish you." And with that, he struck Hogwarts square on the outer wall with a paddle-like tentacle. Hogwarts yelped and tried to squirm away, but the tentacles and his foundation held firm. The giant squid struck him with the other. Again and again he spanked the naughty wizarding school until he sobbed for the giant squid to stop. And still he spanked.

Am I tripping? Has someone really written this down, or is this just some elaborate, horrible nightmare?

The giant squid finally stopped, but Hogwarts didn't have time for a reprieve before the giant squid forced his extra long, spanking tentacles into two separate windows. They slid through the room and forced the doors open, the pain only adding to Hogwarts' pleasure. The tentacles were in the halls now, massaging the long, stone tunnels.

This was incredible, the giant squid thought. He really should have done this ages ago. Every tentacle was in a different window. No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all ten tentacles at once. Each one moved differently and with a different pace, driving Hogwarts crazy with the inability to match his speed.


He felt that familiar feeling and doubled his efforts. Ink exploded all over Hogwarts, some finding its way into the windows. He unified his tentacles somewhat, completely focused on Hogwarts. He must be close.

Then it happened: water shot out of faucets, toilets overflowed and bread set in ovens to keep warm by thoughtful house-elves exploded. Hogwarts shook violently to his foundations, rousing Filch from bed and sending house-elves and Mrs Norris scrambling for cover. Even Hagrid heard the groan of stone and came running.

The building has orgasmed. Specifically, a giant squid has brought Hogwarts to orgasm. And thus we have discovered there is no loving god in this universe.

They searched around the castle and through the castle, but found no sign of intruders. Most perplexing was the sticky ink on one side of the castle. Hagrid peered through the dark toward the lake, but was unable to see the ripples left in the wake of the giant squid.

The giant squid slipped beneath the waves, wanting to grin even though his beak was incapable. He anticipated a very short summer before the professors and students returned, so he had better make the most of it.

The end. And while most of you are weeping and slitting your wrists, just hoping to make the dark void of sense that is this story to stop assaulting your mind, I can't help but think about one thing -- this person had parents. Parents who maybe did or did not love him, but clearly did something incredibly wrong that their child would end up writing squid-on-building erotic fan fiction. Do you think they know? Is this their punishment for writing Tolkien fan fic back in their youth? I don't know. All I do know is that if I ever have a child, and I find him dead in some kind of hideous autoerotic asphixiation-related accident, I will cry in relief and think, "Thank Evil Flying Jesus, better this than writing squid-on-building erotic fan fiction."

Email Print

Sponsor Content