"Apparently, NATO has some serious shit about to go down. I think Sweden's about to get its ass kicked, frankly."

pure brilliance. i need to watch this shit

Taking this as I read it.

Admittedly, all the soldiers are generic white guys, with none of the variety of the original Joe team.

Which was roughly about 80% white guys, many of them with red hair (and presumably freckles), and so of course, in the film, the named Joes are comprised of one Arab, two black guys, one white who spends pretty much the entire movie with his whole body covered in black, another white guy who talks black, and a white woman who has to contend with the constant advances of one of the black guys.

Oh brave new world, that has such people in't...

I really don't think Scarlet/Snake Eyes would work on the screen. It's difficult to imply romance when one of the people nere talks or takes off his mask.

Templar has had enough black to last him a lifetime. ENOUGH I say! Wow, that's a weird comment.

Anyway, Rob, you just have to turn your mind off, people go to the movies to have a good time, it's a fun popcorn flick explosions loud blah blah blah POW PUNCHES SELF IN FACE

Baroness shoots her bike, Scarlett leaps 40-feet vertically off it (strong thighs!), Ripcord catches her, sets her down, and then she gets back in the van anyways.

Another example of the film's general stupidity (and Ripcord's general Mary Sue-ishness).

Ripcord collapses in an uncoordinated heap when he steps out of the van, and then later proves incapable of leaping over a train (with Duke notably not displaying such clumsiness), yet inbetween those two events, he manages to catch Scarlett while both of them are flying through the air at various angles and not only not kill her on impact but actually land with her in what looks like the finisher for some particularly overwrought ballroom dance routine.

then Ripcord gets in one of Destro's jets to shoot down the others

And apparently, despite ostensibly being Army Special Forces, he can fly a highly advanced aircraft he's never even seen before, let alone trained on.

Ripcord shoots the one headed to Moscow down, then flies to DC -- he's apparently going Mach 6

And pull ridiculously high-G maneuvers without a G-suit. I wonder if his eyes change colour with the sun, too...

Whoa. I was planning on not seeing this at all now. But, if anyone I know gets a bootleg soon, it's MYSTIE GI JOE RIFFING NIGHT!!!

Thank you for this review. Now I can wait until this comes out on cable and save my $10 for something that won't go to waste. Like beer.

Also, like in Transformers, I think the main problem here is that the people involved with bringing the movie to the big screen don't respect or trust the spirit of the original. All of these changes and plot holes occur because they can't just let it be. They have to tweak and change and OMGDUDEMAKEITEXTREEEEME in order to feel comfortable releasing it. They can't just translate from tv/comics/toys to the movie, they have to add, cut, digitize, etc. I realize some of that is necessary when adapting for a movie but in most cases, they just go too damn far.

Then again this movie made like 50 mill this weekend so obviously some people aren't bothered by all of this.

funny thing about the pit...

Egypt is not part of NATO... France is, but they seem unaware of them financing the Joes...

The doctor is asking destro for more founding and Destro is all like "later, when I do this and that". What the fuck man, you have an underwater base, an private army and fleet and you can't spare some change for some research????

I really don't think Scarlet/Snake Eyes would work on the screen.

That's funny. All the people I've talked to said the feeling between Ray Park and Rachel Nichols was far more genuine and obvious than anything in her "romantic" sub-plot with Wayans' character, with whom she has no chemistry whatsoever, and vice-versa. honestly, the whole thing was forced, awkward, perfunctory and more than a little creepy.

Templar has had enough black to last him a lifetime. ENOUGH I say! Wow, that's a weird comment.

it's a weird set of casting choices, to say nothing of the writing.

Why force a relationship between Ripcord and Scarlett? Why not Duke and Scarlett, and not have that horrible Duke-Baroness subplot? Or if you had to have that, why not Scarlett and Snake eyes, something there's a foundation for? It might have been as painful as Marlon Wayans trying to acting suave, but at least it would have been accurate to the franchise.

No one I've talked to can make sense of this either. It's especially weird if you remember that Marlon Wayans' character in the film is exactly the same sort of guy that Scarlett would never give the time of day to in the comics and cartoons (the former of which featured her shooting down Clutch's attempts to hit on her as a running gag for a while, and the latter having her smack Shipwreck across the face when he tried something similar).

so what you're saying is that I should go see this movie?

Because I liked Transformers 2 so if this is better then that was, I will really like it.

I have a fundamental disagreement about how bad this movie was. I think it was really the worst thing I've ever seen, but I think I hit my threshold for horrible scripting early, which is what I think happened to you during Transformers 2. Luckily, I had read your F.A.Q. before Transformers, and was prepared.
I saw this last night and there are some things I feel like you may have left out.
1) In the first half hour, you will be subjected to more co-opted lines from the original Joe cartoon than many of you will be comfortable. You will later see Baroness get out of their boosted up H2, take a gun off the dead driver and say, "Next time, I'm driving." If you are a fan of good dialogue, you may actually feel a stark pain in the center of your being.
2) When the Joes first show up in the barren arctic wasteland. They are all wearing Snow Jobs costume. Marlon Wayons does not make a joke involving "a good snow job." You will feel relief.
3)When the nano-warheads/weapons of senselessness are being weaponized, they keep saying the word particle accelerator. It is possible you might know what a particle accelerator really looks like. It is not a laser. This might bother you. Laser is also a word that can be put into a script, granted it sounds a little less cool, but it helps when later people see a fucking laser on the screen that you haven't called it a particle accelerator.
4)When the base at the end of the movie is destroyed, it happens because they blow up the ice shelf above it. Ice then sinks down into water and destroys the base. I have to assume this is special Cobra Ice (I hear a beer tie-in!) that sinks in water and destroys things.

There's probably more, but I felt like these might help people, and so I stopped to write.
Big fan of TR, congrats on all your success!

boo hoo I'm Rob I have to bitch about a movie because it does not live up to what I hoped for.

It's a god damn G.I Joe movie. Drop the bias and deal with it, it was a fun movie thats the long and short of it.

Fuck if they made a HeMan movie starring The Rock and Miley Cirus you would rave about it because of your hard on for Prince Adam. Just saying you should think about that

Well, it's hit by a train. But it's implied Snake Eyes wanted it to get hit by a train, so maybe there's a connection there.

I like when Scarlett got hit by a truck on her bike at like 40mph and she just spins aside no problem, no ACL tear, no bisected body. All's good. Maybe she had an accelerator suit under her jeans.

boo hoo I'm Rob I have to bitch about a movie because it does not live up to what I hoped for.

Zach, it's just not a good movie, by any strecth of the imagination, and after Iron Man and The Dark Knight, that's simply not acceptable.

Besides, Rob's analysis here has been remarkably circumspect.

That "Anonymous" up there was me, just so everyone knows.

Yo, Zach T,

I don't think anyone who grew up a fan of GIJoe actually had any expectations for this movie. So it aint Rob bitching because he was let down. If anything, he had 0 expectations (having learned the lesson from Transfomers 2) and anything it put out there was a solid surprise. This review is actually fairly positive. But he's right on when he sais, you'll like it 39% and dislike it 61%. That's about right.

His romance with Scarlet aside, Ripcord's character was actually prety decent. I'd actually prepared myself to put giant tongs into my own dead skull. Instead he was probably the most interesting Joe.

Duke on the other hand. Was utterly and completely horrible. Acting, story, character. Oh man. That guy should have been named Lt. Falcon and played by Don Johnson or Judd nelson, and everything would have been just fine.

Why didn't Larry Huma write the movie or act as a consult? If anything movies like Ironman and 300 have shown that if something is well written in its original source it will transfer better than just writing a "tribute" movie to that source.

There is no excuse for this movie - none, the comic series was at times great. I can see transformers not following the comics/cartoon -- people might not relate to giant robot cars so add a human angle -- I am not saying that was right, but it at least I can understand the decision.

GI JOE is essentially a NAm Vet's fictional stories about the actual people he served with - and Huma came up with a lot of good stuff.

So why not just take a Huma story and put it on the screen? Why do this? It had to have been harder to make this movie than just completely use a Huma plot.

boo hoo I'm Rob I have to bitch about a movie because it does not live up to what I hoped for.

Boo hoo, someone on the internet disagrees with your opinion.

"Why have it just disappear during Ripcord's descent to earth?"

Once again: because Marlon Wayans' agent is apparently the real-life Ari Gold and managed to not only get his client a completely out-of-left-field romance angle, but also have him be the one to actually save the day.

Zach: did you actually read the article? Rob said the movie was about a 4/10, which while bad certainly isn't ROTF-level awful. It's slightly on the bad side of mediocre, no worse than any number of mediocre wannabe blockbusters like Wolverine and its ilk.

And I agree that this is almost more maddening than ROTF, because there were a bunch of little things that could've been tweaked to make it a lot better, but whichever hack script doctors and / or focus groups got their hands on it didn't bother.

Oh, and since I could put up a fight against Channing Tatum: he REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. Happy, Rob?

Once again: because Marlon Wayans' agent is apparently the real-life Ari Gold and managed to not only get his client a completely out-of-left-field romance angle, but also have him be the one to actually save the day.

You're not serious, are you?

Link to the sweater in my name.

My single biggest issue with the plot, and it's ablility to be easily rectified, was with the Snake Eyes and Stormshadow flashbacks that you mentioned. I could not believe it when they cut back to that second flashback and the kids hadn't aged a day. I was fine with them meeting as kids and instantly getting off on the wrong foot. Even though I hate kid actors, the fight scene was fun, and it set up how they met.

All they had to do for that second flashback was show them at around the ages of 18 or 20, training in the dojo just like they showed in the 2nd flashback. That would have gotten across the point that they'd been living and training together for about 10 years or so. Long enough to become "brothers". And long enough for Stormshadow's jealousy of Snake Eyes and his master's favoritism of him to make sense.

As it was, it felt like to me that they trained together for a few weeks, Snake beat Storm once, he got all pissy and killed the guy. So what? They stopped their Ninja training at the age of 10? They were brothers for what, a few weeks? How the fuck are they close? How are they ninja masters if Snake Eyes only got about a month of Ninja training in before his master got run through with a sword.

And how the hell does a 10 year old kill a fucking Ninja Master, especially one who just lost to Snake Eyes minutes earlier?

It makes no fucking sense. If they had been adults in that second scene, it would have been fine. Was it really that difficult to hire two more actors on to star in one scene?

ZachT — If you just shut off your brain, it's a fun, awesome review.

Dammit I've been bested! In anycase, I think it was a mediocre action movie. Filled with Mediocre action. I actually decided that I want a Snake-eyes movie that goes through their childhood about half way through the film. I then spent the remainder of the film imagining this great Snake-eyes movie filled with 10-year-olds viciously beating one another.

ZachT — If you just shut off your brain, it's a fun, awesome review.

LOL

Funniest thing I've read all day.

Rob- I shut my brain off every time I come to this site, problem is I am still smarter then everyone else here or at least more well adjusted, but I have seen a boob or three in my life

Yo Awesome 5000,

Larry Hama wasn't asked to write the movie for the same reason Brian Michael Bendis wasn't asked to write Spiderman, or Warren Ellis wasn't asked to write Iron Man, or Joss Wheden wasn't asked to write X-men 3...Because Hollywood has their collective heads up their collective asses. That's why. Easy.

'Cept for Marlon Wayan's agent. Like Geoff said. That guy knows his shit.

another plot hole that might be missed. In the movie destro/mccullen and cobra comander/doctor rex blow up the ice pack above the underwater base. The Ice comes crashing down on top on the base destroying it. Since when does ice sink in water?

also was it just me or was the editing so bad with the night raven sequence that it was tough/ imposssible to follow which missle was being chased and shot down where and when? I honestly have no memory of ripcord shooting down the moscow nano missile by shouting celtic at it . I assumed it happened and a friend I saw it with told me it happened. Maybe I just went into a seizure (scene missing) caused by all the bad editing. It's amusing to me that everyone constantly rips off the end battle of return of the Jedi but no one can ever top it, not even Lucas.

Lastly it would have been a lot funnier and made more since if ripcord had to yell COOBBRRAAA! to fire the gun(s)of the night raven jet.

Man, YOU try reading that with all the typos, missing words and other crimes against English. It's the reading equivalent of sliding down an escalator on your bare ass.

@Benjamin K

You forgot the bit about how the last of the Joe team evacuated Destro's base,to avoid the falling ice from the exploded ice pack, by getting into the one and only elevator that takes them back up to the aforementioned ice pack that was just exploded and was now falling down all around them.

Completely ignoring the absolute foolishness where the plot has characters riding an elevator up to the very thing they are supposed to be running from in order to escape it, I have only one question . . .

Who ever takes an elevator in the case of an emergency?

Really, who does that? What kind of safety training do they have in the Joe base? In the case of a fire breaking out at the pit, do all of the Joes ditch the stairs and go straight for the elevators there to avoid the fire?

What's really amusing is that this movie isn't going to even come close to the take that Transformers 2 is going to pull down, despite being slightly better.

Both are mindless stories with little plot and a bunch of action, yet the giant robots seem to trump despite it being worse.

Once upon a time, I figured I knew kind of what the movie going public seemed like they wanted. Now I'm just baffled.

Don't forget the massively-awesome scene where they blow up that ice thing, and it TOTALLY sinks and almost gets Duke!!!

Sinks. Ice. Sinks.

Zach T

Dude, watching Total Recall doesn't count as having seen 3 boobs.

Patrick,

Agree whole-heartedly. My guess, the filmmakers (with Zach T's advice) figured we would have turned our brains off by the second flashback and wouldn't be able to figure out that the black suited, and white suited late-teen ninjas were the same kids as the 10 year old dudes.

Personally, they could have spliced in a clip of the final battle in "Karate Kid" for the second flashback and it would have made more sense and been better. Or better yet, cutting back to a Zartan whistling Dixie disguised as a banzai tree would have been better too.

"or Warren Ellis wasn't asked to write Iron Man, "

... judging by Ellis' preposterously obtuse Iron Man run, that's not a bad thing.

Templar: if you can come up with a better reason for Ripcord - who while appearing on one of the more badass Joe comic covers, basically disappeared after that and was never a featured player in the cartoon - becoming the most prominent character in the movie after Duke, I'd love to hear it. The entire movie seemed structured to give Wayans as prominent a role as possible.

It just strikes me as typical Hollywood pacification of the biggest name in a cast of largely no-names. Heck, why do you think Toby keeps getting unmasked in Spidey movies?

"What's really amusing is that this movie isn't going to even come close to the take that Transformers 2 is going to pull down, despite being slightly better."

It's going to be interesting to see how Jonah Hex winds up doing, because I honestly think about 50% of Transformers' success can be laid at the boobs of Meagan Fox. Having the it girl of the moment in your movie certainly can't HURT the box office.

Plus, ROTF was a near-holiday release, this is in the middle of August. No real shock that it'll have to work hard to cross $150M domestic.

General Flagg and Hawk were the leaders of GI Joe. Not that asshat Duke.

Sometimes when you spend months slamming a movie you have to find ways to justify the fact that you decided to not like it long before it came out. Everything I just read was exactly that.

As accurate as this article is, I still found this movie wonderfully trashy goodness. I already saw it twice, and will probably see it again next weekend.

Why would you have to "weaponize" a bomb? isn't a bomb already a weapon?

@Geoff

True enough. Jonah Hex might just end up carried on Fox's untalented brain but attractive body.

It's funny. $56m first weekend take for Joe almost seems like a lot but nowadays it's just not very much, especially with the huge first weekends some of these movies are getting.

What I'm curious about is how the international totals for the movie will be. I mean, yes, they did the whole 'international' thing on them, but when you think about it, it's basically about military folks (who people are just going to see as Americans anyways) running around, ripping a city up.

It's been said more than a few times that this movie is just 'Team America: World Police' if they made it live action and took out the comedy. Can't say I really disagree.

Long, yet lovely FAQ. If it's entertaining to read like these are, I certainly don't mind them going on for a few pages. A+

Templar: if you can come up with a better reason for Ripcord - who while appearing on one of the more badass Joe comic covers, basically disappeared after that and was never a featured player in the cartoon - becoming the most prominent character in the movie after Duke, I'd love to hear it.

I wasn't implying I disbelieved you (the idea makes a frightening amount of sense). I just wanted to establish whether you were, in fact, serious in suggesting that this whole mess was the work of Wayans' agent.

The entire movie seemed structured to give Wayans as prominent a role as possible.

No kidding.

It just strikes me as typical Hollywood pacification of the biggest name in a cast of largely no-names.

Yeah, but... Marlon Wayans? Isn't he kind of a non-entity as far as name recognition goes? Or maybe just equating movie quality with public renown...

The entire movie seemed structured to give Wayans as prominent a role as possible.

And on that note, the TVTropes page for Rise of Cobra (stil a work in progress) has a rather prominent number of Ripcord mentions in the tropes listed. "Ass Pull", "Heroic BSOD", "Improbable Piloting Skills", "Canon Sue"...

Unlike TF2, I actually did not like this movie much either. It was just plain bizarre. BUT, I cant help but think you hate movies for all the wrong reasons.

Except for the rent-a-van and Tatum. Even I agree those were ridiculous.

A truck load of suck-yup, just as I suspected.
I 'll save my money for something with more entertainment value....like Silly Putty.

Zach T-why do you come here? To whine and cry and moan that HOLLTYWOOD IS SOOOOO GOOS AND NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG! MMMMM YUM YUM MICHEAL BAY'S SPOOGE. OOH THANK YOU MR SODDERBURG FOR SODOMISING MY WALLET!

Asshat.

@Templar: "Yeah, but... Marlon Wayans? Isn't he kind of a non-entity as far as name recognition goes? Or maybe just equating movie quality with public renown..."

Compared to "That guy who used to be the kid on 30 Rock", "Who the hell is Channing Tatum?", and "wow, Scarlett wasn't that hot on Alias" girl, yeah, I think it's sadly true that he's the biggest name actor of the movie.

Amusingly, both Siena Miller and The Ninth Doctor are big stars in the UK, but both aren't that big a deal on this side of the pond.

Anyway, while I'm not exactly "in the business", I deal with enough people who are to make me think the Wayans' Agent Made A Deal With The Devil scenario is the most likely reason all of this happened.

@CChaos: Reelviews had an interesting piece on what it "really" means to be a blockbuster, based on the fact that the definition was $100 million in the mid-80s. Today, that would be about $250 million, give or take. Joe isn't going to get halfway there, and I can't see it doing as inexplicably well overseas as Transformers does.

You know when people say 'oh its a good movis if you just shut your brain off and watch...' I wanna smack em. Movies should make you think. Movies shouldn't be mindless drivel that make you stare at the screen and drool then a couple hours later you go oh man that was ok. All movies need to be like liam neisens last flick Taken. That movie was frakken insanely good. The best part was you had to think. Well you didn't have to thought was optional but you didn't have to shut your brain off to enjoy it. Iron Man and Dark Knight were the same. My point is that we shouldn't have to shut our brains off to enjoy a movie. Period. The reveiw was awesome rob I got a good laugh out of it.
(Steps off soap box)

Compared to "That guy who used to be the kid on 30 Rock", "Who the hell is Channing Tatum?", and "wow, Scarlett wasn't that hot on Alias" girl, yeah, I think it's sadly true that he's the biggest name actor of the movie.

Anyway, while I'm not exactly "in the business", I deal with enough people who are to make me think the Wayans' Agent Made A Deal With The Devil scenario is the most likely reason all of this happened.

Well, that pretty much kills any hope I had that the sequel might fix the aforementioned problems. Thanks for offering the theory though. It's good to have at least a plausible explanation now of why some things got screwed as much as they did.

@Geoff

That's a decent total, but I'm not sure I agree with that. $250m now is pretty much peanuts when there are multiple entities involved in a movie's production. I mean, this one is being made by the company who produced it while Hasbro would likely get a sizable cut of the returns. Divided in two, neither side will make a lot of money off this when the budget was $175m.

Movie budgets are pretty huge now (Superman Returns used $270m...somehow). In order to get a company salivating, the nominal total would likely be a couple hundred million just in profit.

@CChaos: Movie budgets are pretty huge now (Superman Returns used $270m...somehow).

That wasn't what they actually spent on the movie - that figure ties in money paid to Tim Burton / Nick Cage / JJ Abrams / Kevin Smith (even if he was paid in comic books and weed) etc. - people who didn't have anything to do with the movie, but whose costs for "Superman 5" were on the WB's books dating back to the mid-90s. It's what WB actually spent trying to get Superman Returns made, granted, but not what they actually spent on the film itself, if that makes any sense.

Same thing happened with Batman Begins' budget, which had the money paid for Aranofsky and Schumacher and the like built into it as well.

Anyway, the $250 million figure is based on inflation off what a blockbuster was originally defined as, nothing more. I'd probably push it up to an even $300 million to account for increased marketing costs these days (online, etc.)

@Geoff
Yeah, I'd say $300m is a fair shake.

And that's pretty amusing about the Superman movie. Obviously that didn't work out for them near so well as they thought.

You know though, Hollywood seems intent on violating my childhood memories but they missed one that Michael Bay would have been perfect for. Let's see if anyone remembers this cartoon from the 80s:

MASK. Mobile Armored Strike Kommand.
-High tech helmets used as support or weapons.
-High tech vehicles for carting everyone around.
-High tech gadgets that the vehicles turned into and such.

I used to love that one. Military hardware all over the place.

As I suspected before, my opinions of this movie doesn't even deserve space on a DVD in DIVX format! I watched a streamed version on the web and never even finished watching it. Want good movie? Watch Hulk vs Wolverine and Hulk vs Thor. Watching Deadpool get sliced up by Wolverine and put himself back together and seeing Hulk practically decimate Asgard was far more entertaining than this crapwad of a movie was. And those two Hulk movies were animated!!

Another franchise gets fucked up the ass! Maybe Micheal Bay can team up with Sommers. After all, don't two wrongs make a right?

Personally, I'm just sad that we didn't get to see a live action version of this scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHcMThH4Dcs

If we had, I think I would have been ok with everything else that happened in the film.

Anyway, while I'm not exactly "in the business", I deal with enough people who are to make me think the Wayans' Agent Made A Deal With The Devil scenario is the most likely reason all of this happened.

Funny... Thinking back over this, I remember wondering why Wayans always seemed to so much more hyped up over his role in the film than any other member of the cast...

"Want good movie? Watch Hulk vs Wolverine and Hulk vs Thor. "

Or, you know... GI Joe Resolute. Presumably watching a Joe movie when you're in the mood for a Joe movie makes more sense?

I told you guys in my contest entry the worst part of this movie is when you see they are setting up the sequel. I will take a belated shirt now. And thank you.

@ Geoff:

Yeah, GI Joe Resolute was awesome and at least understood it's roots.

But your jab with "Presumably watching a Joe movie when you're in the mood for a Joe movie makes more sense?" was kinda needless. If I am in the mood to watch GI Joe, it will most certainly not be that piece of mangled trash we just sent to the big screen. And I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that.

Or, you know... GI Joe Resolute. Presumably watching a Joe movie when you're in the mood for a Joe movie makes more sense?

Yeah, but they still set Scarlett up with Duke like every prior screen adaptation. Can't some enterprising screenwriter have the guts to do Snake Eyes/Scarlett for once?

Hasbro interest in this is Toys. And more Toys. The amount of money Hasbro's pulled from Transformers and GI Joe toys this year is going to dwarf what the movies themselves made. But a sequel for this is not looking good unless they do it at half the cost. This one was about 160 million which includes marketing. Now ask yourself, what the hell did they spend the 160 million, cause it sure as hell wasn't the cast, the costumes, the script, or the special effects. My guess...the license. And Paramount just got served, yo.

Van Helsing entirely precedented GIJoe: action without tension or consequence, characters without empathy, and story with little sense. Scarlett’s abstract mumbo jumbo summed the movie, maybe even the director’s approach to movies. It’s never ‘what would I do?’ or ‘how would I feel?’ or ‘what do I get from this?’; it’s some kind of porn paint-by-numbers approach that qualifies nothing original or heartfelt or memorable. the puppets in Team America had more life in them. sheesh.

Rob- I shoot my mouth off every time I troll this site, problem is my penis is much smaller then (not "than" because proper use of grammar doesn't factor into my obvious superior intellect) everyone else here so I have to compensate by making inane comments, but I have sucked a dick or fifty in my life.

I guess I am just so jealous that I don’t contain within me any ounce of cleverness or wit to even manage and maintain a cynical bias nerd blog that hundreds of people visit hourly. The only thing I have in life is my ability to flame and start trouble. Don’t take that away from me please, Topless Robots?

So I will periodically check this thread for the next few days hoping to further insert my tiny foot between my large dick sucking lips. I promise not to disappoint in showing off my douchebaggary.

"Yeah, but they still set Scarlett up with Duke like every prior screen adaptation. Can't some enterprising screenwriter have the guts to do Snake Eyes/Scarlett for once?"

I think it's just that it's really hard to have a character who both has a covered face AND is mute emoting enough to pull off an on-screen romance. You kind of get there in animated form, but it's pretty much impossible to get too in-depth with Snake Eyes in live action. Heck, I was pleasantly surprised they got as much out of him as they did.

Well, I'm pretty sure Ripcord being able to fly was set up in the Transportation Sequence. It went something like this:

Duke: "You want to fly?"

Rip: "Yeah!"

Duke: "I'll get you a trampoline."

*insert laugh*

Then Pre-Cobra shows up and kicks everybody's butt.

John said:
Why would you have to "weaponize" a bomb? isn't a bomb already a weapon?

No, they have to be armed/primed in order to go off, it's a safely thing. This goes for any and all bombs, form C4 to Nukes.

Yeah I liked by movie, though it was done well can had the corny cartoon feel with some comic awesomeness (I did liked the fact that Cobra kicks ass now) but Ripcord really did come off as a Sue, HE FUCKING STOLED SNAKE EYE'S GIRLFRIEND!!

Templar: "Yeah, but they still set Scarlett up with Duke like every prior screen adaptation. Can't some enterprising screenwriter have the guts to do Snake Eyes/Scarlett for once?"

Yeah, I don't understand why every writer who gets this doesn't like the concept of Snake Eyes & Scarlet. To me, their pairing was much more interesting than the usual handsome-leader- guy -gets- the girl thing that's in everything else. I like the comic book version better. Snake Eyes can't talk because his face (and vocal cords) were injured in a helicopter accident where he saved Scarlet's life. Despite his injuries, (the non-shallow comic book version) of Scarlet sticks by her man and stays with Snake Eyes.

There's deeper stuff to explore there too. Is Scarlet sticking around because she still has feelings for Snake Eyes? How much of her feelings are guilt? Does Snake Eyes push her away due to him wanting the best for her? Does he want her to have a normal life and meet a normal guy? Does Scarlet see through that and decide to stick with him anyways?

This all so much better than cartoon Duke & Scarlet (unoriginal) or live action comic relief smart ass Ripcord & Scarlet. But I guess the suits don't see that way.

By the way, if you notice, in the first cartoon (the Mass Device one?) You can tell Scarlet still had a strong attachment to Snake Eyes when he returns from his mission. It wasn't until later cartoons that someone...somewhere...decided to have Duke be the suggested love interest instead. *YAWN* ...boring....

Englishman here, so no experience of the toys (we had Action Man instead), comics, or TV series - all of which, I understand, were marketed at children. What we do have is Sienna Miller, Jonathan Pryce, and Chris Ecclestone (doing an unconvincing Scottish accent in this very amusing film, also presumably aimed at the kiddies' market).

You can keep Pryce and Ecclestone, but we'd quite like Ms. Miller back when you've finished with her.

Cheers.

Everyone:

Ignore the fake Zach T. troll. I was originally the user on here called "Zach T." before he started trolling on my name.

All he seems to be doing is trying to get a rise out of you guys.

Don't feed the Trolls.

Oh, and by the way, I didn't like this review as much as the ROTF one, probably because this movie isn't a load of nonsensical insane shit.

Still not planning to see this, as I'm a poor college student and my budget doesn't allow for much leeway in entertainment and I'm not going to see a movie that I don't expect to love, but maybe if people invite me to come along when it's at the cheap show, I'll catch it then.

Sounds more bland than anything, though.

I think it's just that it's really hard to have a character who both has a covered face AND is mute emoting enough to pull off an on-screen romance. You kind of get there in animated form, but it's pretty much impossible to get too in-depth with Snake Eyes in live action. Heck, I was pleasantly surprised they got as much out of him as they did.

I'm inclined to disagree it couldn't be done, but then again, I don't think you'd actually need to do much more than what you had in this film. You don't really need talking, just have Scarlett and Snake Eyes always appear together, doing things together, with the sort of closeness that's suggestive of physical intimacy, and have some random Joe comment on their being a couple to another random Joe at some point or other. That would be a lot deeper and more heartfelt, I think, than most Hollywood romances, and that's pretty much how the relationship between them was depicted in the comics anyway.

Yeah, I don't understand why every writer who gets this doesn't like the concept of Snake Eyes & Scarlet. To me, their pairing was much more interesting than the usual handsome-leader- guy -gets- the girl thing that's in everything else. I like the comic book version better. Snake Eyes can't talk because his face (and vocal cords) were injured in a helicopter accident where he saved Scarlet's life. Despite his injuries, (the non-shallow comic book version) of Scarlet sticks by her man and stays with Snake Eyes.

There's deeper stuff to explore there too. Is Scarlet sticking around because she still has feelings for Snake Eyes? How much of her feelings are guilt? Does Snake Eyes push her away due to him wanting the best for her? Does he want her to have a normal life and meet a normal guy? Does Scarlet see through that and decide to stick with him anyways?

Well said, my friend. Well said.

By the way, if you notice, in the first cartoon (the Mass Device one?) You can tell Scarlet still had a strong attachment to Snake Eyes when he returns from his mission. It wasn't until later cartoons that someone...somewhere...decided to have Duke be the suggested love interest instead. *YAWN* ...boring....

Heh, somewhat ironically, my love for the Scarlett/Snake Eyes pairing, dating back to the age of 5, was actually generated by The M.A.S.S. Device mini-series, in particular that one scene where Snake Eyes stays behind (exposing himself to radiation) to allow the others to escape. Seeing Scarlett and Snake Eyes touch hands across the radiation shield while tears welled in Scarlett's eyes was a profoundly moving thing for a little boy.

The emotional core of this movie makes the emotional core of The Mummy look like a chick flick.

I thought the movie was pretty good. Course, I had low expectations, but it was decent action movie, It did the right thing by at least trying to keep the dialogue scenes short, and not spend 10 minutes with Duke's aunt wondering around the GI Joe base high on mushrooms... Definately a matinee movie...

The answer to the question of how can two actors portray a mute Snake Eyes and Scarlet in a storyline involving being in love together? Simple: GOOD ACTING! Any actor/actress worth their salt can make you believe a situation being realistic without words even being said. Body language is a big factor. Apparently, the art of body language only seems to be something that dancers and Broadway actors/actresses seem to comprehend. But then, with casting like this, you get what you paid for.

Tim-Nationan,

Zartan spent all movie wandering around high on mushrooms looking for Duke's aunt. But other than that, you're right.

By the way, Rob, love your F.A.Q's for movies. I see you've only done the ROTF one (which is classic), and this one (which is typical second movie syndrome, but still better than most crap out there. I want to see some more out of you. It's awesome. How about a FAQ for every 80's toy property reimagined movie from here on out okay? VIEWMASTER and ASTEROIDS STAT! And LITE-BRITE whenever they get around to announcing that flick.

Damn Rob, this might beat out your ROTF FAQ as top commented article.
I think you summed things up nicely.
The movie was okay, not great, not ROTF bad...
People have been asking me if it was good and I really haven't been able to put my feelings into words.
Channing Tatum really killed it for me.
He was pretty bad.
Snake Eyes was bad ass, lips and all.
As someone mentioned the editing was really bad.
The Ripcord incident was a perfect example, but there was also a part during the France chase scene that had Snake eyes under the Hummer only to be hanging on one second and gone the next, only to return once the camera panned back the third time.
Also, was I the only one that thought the CGI was GOD AWFUL!?!
Say what you will about Transformers, but Bay and his company did a good job making 35 foot tall robots look somewhat passible. This movie, multiple times, broke my suspension of disbelief with the sheer awfulness of the CGI.
When they land in the Pit the first time...so bad.
And it was a non descript silver jet with no windows, minimal markings, seriously, WTF!?!
On a side note, I read on /Film that this movie was optioned during the Writers Guild strike and that could have had some effect on the shitty script.
Anyone confirm/deny this?

They easily could have had the Snake Eyes/Scarlett thing without even making a thing of it. Someone spelled it out already. Wouldn't even be a subplot. And Ripcord trying to bust his moves on Scarlett...they could have kept all that, only it could have been Scarletts subplot to finally go back to the one true Snake instead. Try this:

Scarlett to Ripcord(near end of movie) - Look, Trapazoids, and kerr metric calculus (and a bunch of other smart sounding giberish)...Ripcord...you're sweet. I'll admit you were awesome in Scary Movie and all and you have a good agent, but my emotions already have a center.

Quick cut to Snake Eyes (whos not even looking at them), then back to Ripcord. Ripcord emotes surprise, and then jealousy, and then acceptance.

Ripcord to no one in particular - Cool. I get it. Anyway, yo, where's that other white girl?

Heavy Duty (shocked) - You mean Cover Girl?

Ripcord - Cover Girl? Yeah, whatever.

Heavy Duty - She's dead

Ripcord - I know that. But where's her body?

Looks of disbelief among all surrounding Joes, even Breaker, who in a moment we've all been waiting for, slides that dastardly monocule out of the way of his eye (but not Snake Eyes, he's still to f'n cool to bother with Ripcord)

Ripcord Laughs

And....cut.

Wait you mean you can steal other people's moniker's and make them say anything you want?

@Rex Splode:

Yup

@Rex Splode & Templar:

Im a real troll with real feelings!! I am also smarterer than both of you. I've seen four boobs not counting my double man tits.

Leave my screen-name alone, you thief.

Man, I really liked this movie. Such ridiculous action and so much stupidity, it was like someone got into my 10 year old brain and played with toys in my face for 2 hours. The Paris sequence was such a mixture of awesome and retarded that my brain broke and I giggled like an ass throughout it.

Amid, all of the cartoon explosions, it cuts to a flashback of Duke in a MiddleEastern battle. The small scene is a little grainier, dirty, and just kinds fucking REAL for a second. There is no scope to the scene besides the cover that the soldiers are huddled behind, just as real troops must feel at times. Am I the only one who found this slightly unsettling in this film of ninjas and lasers?

I am still convinced that this was originally meant to be a Sigma Six movie, but when the toy line utterly failed they scrambled to try and work it more like RAH, except for, you know, that messy, annoying 'American' part.

Also, wasn't there an Action Man baddie called Dr. X or some such? Kinda sorta looked a little Dr. Mindbender-ish, stuff like that? I mean, Rex, X...not a big stretch.

I just made it a little worse, didn't I?

NATO? Why NATO? Are they trying to make some retarded political statement? Uhg...

Breaker being played by a French speaking Arab? NO. JUST NO.

What's even better is how did Breaker come back from the dead? He was one of the original 'Joes and he was killed in the Marvel comics series.

has anyone pointed out the ludricrous destruction of the secret underwater base?!?!? They detonate the poar ice cap and the ICE falls on the base! ICE FUCKING FLOATS!
WTF?

So, that's a no. Thought so.

As to Resolute, why was J in every scene but never given anything to say but the Dial chick saved the day? You have Lady J alive and in your huddles and she doesn't do anything? Not even banter with or help Flint? WTF?

Yeah, I forgot that Dialtone was a chick in GI Joe Resolute. Isn't that kind of like making Battlestar Galactica's original male character "Starbuck" a butch-chick in the new series? Weird.

Am I the only one who noticed that when they blow up the ice over the secret underwater base, the ice SINKS!?!? Wtf? Ice floats!

Can anyone tell me, when Zartan kills that female Joe in front of Duke's office door (a brutal stab through the chest) who is that? Is that CoverGirl? Cause she looks like my CoverGirl action figure (movie version) or do you think it is just some random Joe?

So, the back story for Snake Eyes and Storm shadow is basically the same as the back story of Bloodsport?

Can anyone tell me, when Zartan kills that female Joe in front of Duke's office door (a brutal stab through the chest) who is that? Is that CoverGirl? Cause she looks like my CoverGirl action figure (movie version) or do you think it is just some random Joe?

It is indeed Cover Girl, a character of roughly equivelent overall importance to Ripcord in the G.I. Joe mythos. Of course, not being played by Marlon Wayans, she is disposed of pretty much without any consideration whatsoever.

Knowing is half the battle: Paramount is already moving forward with a sequel. All of the main actors are contractually obligated to return, the director is not. No mention of wether or not they'll bother to have a script written...

http://bit.ly/atnv5

Wow this site is full of crazy ass honkeys huh?

Ugh. Stupid fucking troll is swiping THIS user name, too?

What a loser.

Oh well, I guess it's time for another name.

Isn't the movie's plot merely a set-up? Just like what Cobra Commander described...the sword and the shield. THE WAR ECONOMY, Destro was distancing himself from the plot because he will be playing both sides, with Zartan/the fake President endorsing Destro's Weapons and Arms company to "fight" the insidious plans of Cobra through M.A.R.S. It's a great depiction of how war can be good business =)

im starting to think that the dark knight and iron-man are the only movies nerds like...what the hell are you guys going to bash next summer?

One of the things that bothered me about the movie, though, was the shallow motivation or the seemingly poor-excuse of a turning point it was for Rex to become evil. I mean, really, he just saw Mindbender's experiments like this and that and he was like, oh cool I wanna be evil from now on! Unless the writers put in some back-stories on this. Maybe Mindbender is behind all this and he altered and twisted the memories of Rex and make himself he believe he was the boss of all the operations. In any case, very very very weak subplot in creating one of the most evil men in 1980's cartoons!

i saw that too, Durm. i can only guess that there were pieces of the station mixed in with the ice to weigh it down, but a lot of it did look suspiciously like a bunch of sinking ice.

sadness.

@eON:
Fuckin' A man, that's exactly what I thought. I remembered thinking, "Wait. What? Why would he just suddenly seem excited about watching someone in agonizing pain. There is nothing about this 'science guy' that strikes me as being that way." Such piss poor storytelling there.

So...they made Cobra Commander into a doctor who bends minds, and then introduced a separate "Doctor Mindbender" character?

What's he do, command some snakes?

stormshadow could jump 6 stories out of a building and catch a helicopter

scarlett could flip a 15ft ollie off a curb with a motorcycle and dodge traffic in fine Dark Knight form

snake eyes can balance on the tips of his swords and, as a 10 year old, comes fully equipped with ninja training

how much of this balogna can be cut out for it to resemble an actual fight and put me on the edge of my seat? how many people watching this actually felt tension from the conflicts? the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat?

when it comes to the cgi, directors should either crap or get off the pot: they should either stick to cartoon/anime or toss the ridiculous, unbelievable, computer-generated nonsense and rehire stuntmen.

if they don't...up is down, left is right, nothing means anything, everyone can do anything, whenever. whatever.

GI Joe was bad... but it was fun bad.
It was no where near as bad as the cataclysmic embarrassment what was Transformers 2: The Rise of Shitty Writing.

The only movies us nerds liked was Iron Man and Dark Night? What about Watchmen? Didn't us nerds like that? Or Star Trek?

Does it matter? said:
Breaker being played by a French speaking Arab? NO. JUST NO

What Frence people can't learn Arab, or BE form the middle east (which is like 10% of the population of France)

I haven't seen anyone mention yet that after the Scottish prologue, the screen goes black and a caption reads "The Not Too Distant Future." Was I the only one that started humming the Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song at that point?

Here's one problem I have, the all black suits. I hate it when movies do that. They did it with Batman, they did it with X-Men, and now with G.I. Joe. It just looks so horribly bland and unoriginal. It just tells me they put no effort into designing them.

I know people have said, the colorful costumes would look ridiculous, but here's the thing, if they're so ridiculous, why have they worked for 25+ years in the comics, toys, and cartoons? G.I. Joe Resolute pulled it off, why couldn't the movie?

Wait. If Destro is the one who suffers a horrible facial disfigurement, how do we explain the "Crunchberry" Cobra Commander action figure?

Sounds lame, but did we expect anything different? This film looks dumb, sure, but it's the sense of absolute mediocrity that permeates it that really gets to me. It doesn't even look like dumb fun. It just looks dull.

Here's what I don't get: Sommers made the Mummy films. Not great movies, but fun enough where you'd probably stay on the channel if you flipped to it on TNT or something. Brendan Fraser, a likable actor with a sense of humor, was in those films and makes a cameo in this one. Why not just cast him as Flint and make HIM the lead? Throw in Lady Jaye for the prerequisite romantic subplot so the female half of the audience doesn't get too terribly bored. Much better movie already.

I don't get why Duke has to be the audience identification character. Is there anybody who was EVER a fan of Duke? He's boring. I want to see a G.I. Joe movie where Scarlett's the main character. Which is, incidentally, where the Snake Eyes romance could work. Why not try something new? People are gonna see the damn thing anyway, just for the G.I. Joe name or out of late-summer boredom.

@WETO
watchmen was shit

Ronald Tadur said:

Wait. If Destro is the one who suffers a horrible facial disfigurement, how do we explain the "Crunchberry" Cobra Commander action figure?

You know, I wondered that. Doctor/Cobra Commander didn't look THAT bad. No hair, kinda pasty, but the CC toys all look more like Destro. I think someone at Hasbro was sent the wrong picture for reference when painting an old Action Man toy to use as CC's head.

I have to admit, I liked this movie even less than TF: ROTF, but probably because I loved G.I. Joe so much as a kid. I probably would have been fine with the terrible plot and acting if it looked more like what I remember and love, and less like Sigma Six. I think the "colorful costumes don't work in movies" argument doesn't apply here. We're talking about mismatched camouflage and fatigues, for the most part, not a yellow Wolverine costume.

And the vehicles... the Night Raven was nice, but the wingless, boring Cobra jets and the windowless, generic Joe jets made me weep every time I saw them. I realize A-10 Warthogs are outdated, but surely we can design cooler-looking planes with VTOL capabilities?

For the record: Me = nerd, seen boobs, impregnated a lady, better things to do, still moved to post. Rob, you are brilliant.

I think I've figured out why Snake Eyes' costume has lips- say you are faced by a totally bad-ass ninja. You're going to be completely focused, ready for anything. Then you see the lips on his mask, and you have the same reaction everyone has upon seeing them- "what the hell? Are those lips? Why the freaking insane hell are there lips on his mask? He doesn't even talk! Are they a symbol of his clan? Are they some sort of secret weapon? Are they filled with candy? What!?!?" And that second of distraction is all Snake Eyes needs to chop you into travel-sized chunks and rearrange those chunks into a charming abstract sculpture. Genius.

I love ZachT. His angry feeds my happy.

I just watched the movie last night, and though it barely resembles anything I remember from the cartoon and comics, I enjoyed it for what it is.

I don't think anybody has mentioned this, but it looks like Snake Eyes was designed like a Power Ranger.

"As to Resolute, why was J in every scene but never given anything to say but the Dial chick saved the day? You have Lady J alive and in your huddles and she doesn't do anything?"

Because Lady Jaye is a covert operative and isn't trained for what the solution was in that movie. It'd be like having Chuckles save the day using science. Resolute understood that each Joe has a speciality, and they're not jack-of-all-trades.

Like, you know, being the best pilot on the planet in spite of being trained as an airborne ranger.

You will call me... "Commander!"

[Then I will immediately go to JAIL]

Yeah, but they still set Scarlett up with Duke like every prior screen adaptation. Can't some enterprising screenwriter have the guts to do Snake Eyes/Scarlett for once?

Nope, and I'll explain why. The NippleBatSuit thing aside, screen guys think visually. In the comics, Snake Eyes is almost exclusively SEEN in costume, despite there being fairly massive implied time spent OUT of uniform. I mean, he's a freaking NINJA, so stakeouts in civvies and a high collar make sense for this guy..

..but these are visual "thinkers", and they are afraid that Snake Eyes must be disfigured or look like the Master Chief, or why cover his face?

So, no, they'll never catch a clue. I'm a GUY and I can see why she'd want to date a guy well used to communication on a subverbal level who is "good with his hands".

Did you do one of these for wolverine? I searched, but could not find one. I finally got around to seeing that this weekend, and BOY does it need a FAQ!

Well, Rob, I guess I'm going to have to keep that crow in the freezer. Then again, considering you spent...I dunno...the last several months hating on this film that you just couldn't allow yourself to even possibly enjoy it, I shouldn't have expected a miracle. At least you're consistent, unlike Harry Knowles on Ain't It Cool News and MovieBob on the Escapist, who both absolutely *hated* ROTF, yet they did an about face for this movie when they said they really loved it. I can't imagine why; both movies were hokey, campy and had loopy internal logic (which to me makes them exactly like their cartoon counterparts). The only possible theory is that one was directed by Michael Bay - whom it seems hating has become a cottage industry - and the other wasn't. Personally, I think both Bay and Stepehn Sommers were perfect choices to direct their respective movies, as both specialize in making big dumb movies with cool action setpieces where a lot of shit blows up. Again, making them just like the cartoons.

As for the backstories of Duke, the Baroness and Cobra Commander all being interrrelated, yes it was contrived. But I found it easier to buy into than Cobra Commander having started out as a disgruntled used car salesman or having come from Cobra-La.

Personally, I liked it. Hell, I even thought the accelerator suits were pretty cool in the way they were presented. My friend, my girlfriend and my 13-year-old cousin (who isn't very familiar with G.I. Joe BTW, and said she enjoyed it) all liked it. So if that makes us morons, fine. You really are a pretentious asshole and fortunately in the minority. Glad to know you can deal with it. If it weren't for the otherwise cool countdown lists, I would have been done with this site.

At least you're consistent, unlike Harry Knowles on Ain't It Cool News and MovieBob on the Escapist, who both absolutely *hated* ROTF, yet they did an about face for this movie when they said they really loved it.

Well, MovieBob's a moron (I know; I've argued with him for years on other sites) and Harry Knowles... well, he claimed Jar Jar Binks was a great character until it became fashinable to hate him...

As for the backstories of Duke, the Baroness and Cobra Commander all being interrrelated, yes it was contrived. But I found it easier to buy into than Cobra Commander having started out as a disgruntled used car salesman or having come from Cobra-La.

You found it easier to believe that a military scientist would go "Ooh! Nanotechnology! I'm gonna take over the world!" than a failed used-car salesman becoming embittered with the "American Dream" or an ancient humanoid race conspiring to destroy humanity?

The coolest thing about Cobra Commander was that he was a used-car salesman who decided to take over the world, really.

Personally, I liked it. Hell, I even thought the accelerator suits were pretty cool in the way they were presented. My friend, my girlfriend and my 13-year-old cousin (who isn't very familiar with G.I. Joe BTW, and said she enjoyed it) all liked it. So if that makes us morons, fine.

At least you can accept yourself for what you are. :p

You really are a pretentious asshole and fortunately in the minority.

Yes, because it's such a crime to want a story with good performances and writing.

If they had tossed in robotic testicles,I would have jumped through the wall and torn the projector apart with my bare hands. Thankfully they didn't,so better than Bayformers 2: Electric Boogaloo is good enough for now,but Channing Tatum is a horrible mumbler
I think Casper Van Dien,who looks and act the part as seen via Rico in Starship Troopers would have been a much better choice.

Admiral Snackbar said:

I don't get why Duke has to be the audience identification character. Is there anybody who was EVER a fan of Duke? He's boring. I want to see a G.I. Joe movie where Scarlett's the main character. Which is, incidentally, where the Snake Eyes romance could work. Why not try something new? People are gonna see the damn thing anyway, just for the G.I. Joe name or out of late-summer boredom.

Larry Hama did a number of interviews in the late 90s, early 00s, when 80s nostalgia was in its infancy. One point he hammered home repeatedly was how much he HATED Duke. Hama would have preferred to not write him into the stories, or at least just kill him off. Instead, he was forced to kill Cobra Commander, since CC "died" in the animated movie. Meh.

No mention of the inconsistent, cruddy looking CGI? The training sequences in the G.I. Joe HQ made me think I'd been transported back to 1996 and was watching Independence Day.

@EnerPrime, I don't think that's really accurate. It's called acting. Verbal language, isn't the only language we use to communicate, there's also body language. Soemthing that any good actor worth their chops should be aware of, and capable of utilizing. It's not easy, but it can be done. And it helps when 1) you have writers that did a script that helps support it and 2) you have a director that has a sensibility to not only have fast moments, but to slow down for others.

@Rob, this was incredibly hilarious, and proved to me that this is a movie that will wait for a $2 rental.

@Zach T, wow I actually see a pair of 'em a few times a day. Grrls rule!

:P

Heh. Actually, I think the idea that this was originally a Sigma Six movie with a hasty rebranding has merit.

So what I'm taking away from this review is....there was an absolutely *wonderful* live-action GI Joe movie made. Except that it's not this one, it's the one Hal Needham made back in the 80's named 'Megaforce'? ;-)

"In the comics, Snake Eyes is almost exclusively SEEN in costume, "

Muah? Hama wrote snake out of the commando outfit pretty often - he had a mask that looked like his original face, pre-disfiguration. There'd be long stretches where you'd never see him in the black outfit.

When Ripcord was flirting skeevily with Scarlet on the treadmill, I was hoping that Snake Eyes intervene, kick his butt, and Scarlet would drape an arm around Snake Eyes' rubbery, muscular shoulders and say, "I'm with Snake."
Alas, no. Creepy flirtation, minus chemistry, is creepy.

I beleive that the movie was inspired by not just the cartoon but also the comics.

In the comics Duke was brought in after Hawk became the General in charge of G.I. Joe after General Flagg was killed.

I also beleive that the whole inspiration behind the Cobra Commander/ Duke and Duke/Baroness connections were derived from the comics as well. Both Cobra Commander and Baroness hated Snake Eyes for seperate reasons.

I have to say I expected the movie to completely suck and was very suprised. But I have to agree with about 99% of thie review's opinions.

Now you know...and knowing is half the battle!

Yo Joe!

@Krakes - That was fucking hilarious. You might just be on to something there.

No mention of the shitty CGI? Does it look as bad on the big-screen as it does in the trailers?

I might download this and have a look but no way am I paying to see it.

Oh, regarding the international reaction to this movie - speaking on behalf of everyone in Ireland and the UK I can say that no one seems to give half a crap about this film. It's getting no press time or media coverage that I can see. Unlike TF2 which was fucking EVERYWHERE for a while. The GI Joe team might be made up of international operatives but all I can see is two American dudes blowing up Paris so yeah, not interested.

When Ripcord was flirting skeevily with Scarlet on the treadmill, I was hoping that Snake Eyes intervene, kick his butt, and Scarlet would drape an arm around Snake Eyes' rubbery, muscular shoulders and say, "I'm with Snake."
Alas, no. Creepy flirtation, minus chemistry, is creepy.

What she said.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra = Star Wars: Underwater

Am I the only one to notice this blatant end-battle ripoff?

If I found myself in a position to slap Stephen Sommers in the mouth, I would not hesitate.

The true reason this movie sucked and was made at all....Hasbro. It was a (almost) 2 hour long toy commercial. The tie-ins are so fucking obvious. Holoween masks, action figures, mole-machines and mini-subs. Why would Brenden Frazer cameo as Sargent Stone? He wanted to be the action figure. Why give any thought to plot or characters when you have product to move. Ridiculous accelerator suits = Action figures! Crappy Cobra Commander mask = Holloween $Cha-Ching$. Anybody have a better idea on why this movie was made? And if you say they wanted to tell the story or they loved G.I. Joe growing up, I will bitch slap you like you deserve.

For the record, Larry Hama actually was a script consultant on the movie, and played one of the generals during the NATO briefing at the beginning.

Y'know I find it kinda funny no one has mentioned the one thing that I noticed a lot of in this movie: cleavage. Srsly. Who has that much cleavage in the army? I found it too hilarious to be distasteful but every woman either had on a tight cat suit or was rocking a v curve.

And yeah, the CG was horrible, horrible stuff. When you can point it out that easily, it is no good.

Also, I swear in the first scene at the pit, when Duke and Ripcord were being to things: Scarlett and Snake-Eyes were sitting down and she was resting her head on his shoulder. I remember going 'na-aaaw, cuddles for Snake-Eyes!' And then the 0 chemistry flirting with Ripcord happened. It's like the thought it the followed the formula it would be romanace not creepy. It was creepy.

Man, if I was as depressed and bitchy as Rob, I'd probably kill myself because I couldn't live with myself. I just saw GI Joe today and I enjoyed it because I wasn't someone who watched the cartoon as I was born in the late 80s so it didn't "rape" my childhood or anything like that.

Wasn't Cover Girl a tank jockey and not just a hot secretary that gets unceremoniously killed while delivering documents for signature? But of course, maybe I shouldn't be asking the question since the movie screwed up so many other facts.

Not to mention....it is 2009 and they are still mixing up Japanese and Chinese martial arts/religion/language...sigh.

HOW HAS COBRA RISEN IN ANY WAY DURING THIS MOVIE

That line made me laugh my ass off.

I didn't mind the lips so much on Snake Eyes mask. I felt they were pretty easy to ignore, although I held my hand up to block them out once and he does look so much cooler without them. And there is an explanation for them, which got even geekier the more I thought about it.

Never mind the vow of silence, the reason Snake Eyes never spoke and always wore a mask per his original backstory was that he took shrapnel to the face in Vietnam. Masks with facial features are sometimes used by victims of facial disfigurement. So there. Of course, the last time I saw someone use one on screen was in The Mummy. Also by Stephen Sommers. Maybe he just has a thing for masks.(But The Mummy actors' cameos in this were kind of fun. Brendon Fraser was easy, but did everyone spot Benny as Dr. Mindbender?)

The ice sank because is was made out of heavy water. This way in the next movie (shiver) it can be found at the bottom of the ocean protected by giant aggressive tube worms.

Ronald Tadur said:
Larry Hama did a number of interviews in the late 90s, early 00s, when 80s nostalgia was in its infancy. One point he hammered home repeatedly was how much he HATED Duke. Hama would have preferred to not write him into the stories, or at least just kill him off. Instead, he was forced to kill Cobra Commander, since CC "died" in the animated movie. Meh.

Interesting to know. Sucks that Hama was saddled with a character he hated. At least the man's got taste where his G.I. Joes are concerned.

I think probably the only way you could make Duke likable is if you made him team leader and stressed how beleaguered he was in having to rein in a variety of colorful, eccentric characters. Imagine trying to keep Snake Eyes, Roadblock and Shipwreck on task as your job. That way, you've got Duke reacting to much stranger personalities, which might actually provide some funny moments. I don't know, I'm just trying to make their stupid movie more interesting.

Well done, Rob. I agree about 100% with you. I was thoroughly entertained watching this film and thought it didn't suck nearly as much as it could've. But as I started picking it apart, it just made me cry, because with some very minor changes, it could have been a great GI Joe movie. Like why didn't we see a red Cobra logo until the very end of the movie on Destro/CC's sub? Is it because he just became CC, so now he gets a Cobra logo?

The one thing you didn't touch on... why were there really no other Joes making even super brief cameos? Especially someone like Snow Job, when the last 1/4 of the movie was in the goddamn snow?!?!?!?

I think about something... this movie it's like a bad chapter with good money.

As for the whole Duke/Baroness/Cobra Commander subplot I suspect they were taking some plots from the comics that involved Snake Eyes and Baroness and Snake Eyes and Cobra Commander respectvely.

Although the romantic relationship was not needed.

As for the vast majority of the group being white guys and looking the same, anyone who watched the cartoon would have seen the same thing.

As for the Ripcord/Scarlett romance I didn't mind so much. Altough a Duke Scarlett might have been better as in the cartoon.

hey Rob, read a few of your stand-up auditions...er, i mean intelligent reviews. just a piece of advice, dont do amphetamines when you go to see movies and seriously attempt to critique (okay, doesnt really seem that way...by that i mean serious). are you really this fragile and dramatic?
this site should be ashamed for carrying these reviews. most of your users are fanboys to stuff like GiJoe, Transformers, ect. if the attempt is to turn this site from a serious respected site at least in the field of knowledge of issue into Cracked or The Onion, failure is now double entendre on the basis that its disgusting/offensive and not information credible.

good job.

Just kidding you're awesome.

ok , you actually thought that sienna miller was a decent baroness ? i dont think so ...
she is not even built for the role,

jessica alba / jessica beil / amy dumas (ok fine i tossed in LITA from WWF ).

sienna is plain aweful in the film and i decided to look for a naked pic of her ... SHE IS NOT EVEN cute / she has a gaddamn negative A-cup for god sakes .

she also had the nerve to complain that said director had her wear fake boobs to be the part . YOU DONT take a role like baroness if you are a flatchested actress .

The fact that the movie began with the words "In the not too distant future" made my day. Thing is: I love bad movies, and I love riffing on them. I guess you could say I had an ironic enjoyment of the movie.

And then I went out and bought all the toys immediately after I saw the movie. Yay hypocrisy.