By Rob Bricken in
Daily Lists, Video Games
Monday, Aug. 17 2009 @ 8:01AM
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In the days of the 2600, games were simple and didn't look very good. Therefore, the outside of the game box tried to compensate with elaborate paintings of an incredibly loose interpretation of what the game what supposed to be about. These could work out pretty well, but many times -- many, many times, actually -- the paintings sucked, either because the game gave no inspiration to the struggling artists the game companies hired, or because the companies just hired crappy artists (and sometimes, both). Here are ten of the worst pieces of box artwork, obtained from scans from the fine people at AtariAge.com.
10) Phoenix
I don't know if this is the
most awful or the most awesome Atari box art ever. It certainly looks like it
could be a double album from Slayer called Birds of the Apocalypse 8: Hell's
Aviary. There's fire, there's lightning, there's a bird so big he makes the
planet in front of it look small. I can only call this album art awful because
the artist seems to have taken a concept and gone insanely too far with it - if
you paint something like this, then the game has to at least slightly match it in
awesomeness, and it does not.
"Hey Pinky, I'm just
wondering..."
"Did Pac-Man get a sex
change? Yeah. I think so."
"It's a good thing I'm
already dead."
I mean, really, that's the
only impression I get from this artwork, that there's Ms. Pac-Man, and the
ghosts are completely bewildered/scared. Only thing I can think of is that
Pac-Man, in a desperate effort to avoid being unemployed in the home video game
crash of 1983, (which some say the original Atari Pac-Man game caused by being
totally awful) got a sex change so he would be put into another game.
I don't want to know what
the "more" is of "I'm more than Pac-Man with a bow."
"Look out, that Imperial
Star Destroyer just shot that guy and woman!"
"Space Robert Evans, hurry
with that lever!"
"Shut your face, sweet
cakes, I'm getting over a hangover."
"I need you to hurry up so I
can fire this laser and destroy this ship that's right above us!"
"Won't the explosion also
kill us?"
"There's no time to think, I
have no idea which part of this spacecraft is the front!"
Thus is it in what must be
the fantastic year of 2005, where the aesthetics of the 1970s never died and
technology jumped ludicrously forward.
• Flying a triangle around
• Shooting at another triangle
• Dealing with the effects of
gravity
So, yes, no shooting at
spacecraft from a Space colony with Space Robert Evans while Space Astronauts
run. Lame.
6) Video
Pinball
"Hello Trapper Keeper Art
from the 1980s, how are you doing?"
"You realize how horribly
dated you are, right? I mean, look out neon world, balls are coming from the
nether-realm to attack you!"
Though not part of the
original artwork, I personally like the price sticker included with this scan. It
certainly feels like it should be part of the original artwork, what with its
cheap non-thoughtfulness.
5) Pole Position
There seems to be no proper
horizon on this drawing. Is that a sun in the background below the sunset? I
can't tell. This looks less to be a game about racing and more a game about how
not to draw cars. The car looks broken. The car looks like it's front end just
snapped and the driver is saying "Oh shit." The car also seems to be on fire. Exciting
broken car on fire racing excitement! Who doesn't want to play?
4) Video Checkers
"Well, King -- I, as a
round-faced chub, appear to have beaten your in your own game!"
"I, as your round-faced
girlfriend, congratulate you on your smugness."
This is all I think of when
seeing this artwork. Not checkers, mind you; just a smug, chubby guy getting
beheaded.
3) Realsports Soccer
"I do believe my finger
smells like poop."
This is really a terrible
piece of art. It's like a drawing of two very fit guys between the ages of 50
and 120, with one trying to throw a punch with absolutely no power and the
other putting a glove over his eye and pretending he's a pirate.
51 comments
Comments
Richard Slidewell said:
I actually thought #6 was Elton John sniffing his finger..... I'll let you figure out the rest.
darkmagician66699 said:
We all know nowadays that looking at an Atari 2600 games was liking watching animated legos. But what would you have the companies do for artwork? They have to get you to buy the game somehow. I agree some are a little weird. Checkers - didn't know that was a game of royalty like chess. And the chubby kid looks like a young Luke Skywalker. Space War is ugly, no matter how you put it. The driver in Pole Position looks like he just fell asleep at the wheel.
Sorry, that Pheonix picture just reeks of awesomeness. I have always loved that picture.
We all knew as kids the outside was not what looked like on the TV. We weren't stupid. And I kinda like looking at these retro covers sometimes. What is more retro than the Video Pinball cover. In fact, years ago, Cracked magazine did a spoof on what if the game box looked all pixelated and the game on the screen looked realistic.
Well, again, just one man's opinion, but I think way too much was made about these cart boxes. In a time where technology was just getting in the hands of the consumer at affordable prices, Atari, Intellivision and Colecovision were cool and nobody cared at the time that Pac-Man looked goofy. It was just aweseome to play at home.
I have to give this article a thumbs down as I think it was just plain unfair to pick on poor old Atari who at that time brought us so much fun as kids. Is the artwork outdated? Yes. Was it worth making fun of? No.
Now rip into me, as I know some asshat will.
Halfazedninja said:
Wow, I actually had (and still have) all these games. I remember playing Defender and being mad that the ships didn't look anything like what hey looked like on the cover (but you are correct, the comic book was pretty cool).
As far as cheesy artwork goes, the Swordquest series should be up there. Cheesy awesomeness defined!
http://www.mr-atari.com/afbeeldingen/2600box/silverswordquestavboxed.jpg
Dr. Jones said:
This is one of the worst written articles I have ever read on here. How many times did you use the phrase, "That's all I can think of..."? Seriously, dude. Grab a thesaurus and let's have a thoughtful, well-written article. Just because it's about Atari box-art doesn't mean you can just phone the article in.
Also, not funny.
Venkman007 said:
The video checkers "king" looks like a bloated Mike Myers, no doubt having recovered from a Cheetos and beer bender weekend after spending more "Shrek" money.
And the African-American dude on the "Boxing" game- Holy horrific anatomy, Batman! His punching arm is far too small, and one of his feet looks twisted/turned.
Plus-? Kinda looks like your President of the US and A.
Wonder Pigeon said:
The checkers king looks like Mike Myers.
Sean said:
And when I saw the artwork for Video Checkers my first thought was, "How sad that the king had a stroke."
Goose said:
Picture 10 is kind of cool in the way that it looks like a really bad 1980's heavy metal album. Personally I think it looks more like an album cover from Dio then Slayer.
ZADL said:
Way to be a buzzkill, darkmagician66666666999999999999
The Squirrel said:
Dr. Jones, while you may not have the time for love, you do have the time for being EXACTLY RIGHT...
Although, I did begin to wonder if the author was just trying to create a great new catch-phrase, but "This is all I can think of..." is no, "slappy the ham and shoot the moon."
Zeno said:
I always liked the 2600 Defender cover art, mostly because the game out when I was around 12 years old i.e. - just old enough to appreciate that the woman in the foreground getting beamed up had a pretty nice rack.
Hawkeye said:
Smug checkers guy looks like Luke Skywalker.
Pete said:
Actually, the soccer guy looks suspiciously like Mosh Girl
darkmagician66699 said:
@ ZADL:
This coming from a guy who's whole website revolves around zombies.
Beany McPickles said:
While we're on the look-alikes theme, Space War glasses guy looks like Bill Gates. Quick, somebody give Space Robert Evans a blue screen of death.
Kevin said:
That Pinball art puts me into some kind of hypnotic trance. I've always loved that Trapper Keeper-style airbrushed art. It takes me off to this cooler, alternate world where everything looks more awesome and surreal, yet familiar.
Count Spatula said:
I will second or third the motion that Checker Lad looks like Luke but even better, the King looks like Rimmer.
Anonymous said:
"Good thing I'm already dead...
...
...
"...people who get sex changes are disgusting!"
Hilariously bad box art all around though. rofl
s parker said:
"Good thing I'm already dead...
...
...
"...people who get sex changes are disgusting!"
Hilariously bad box art all around though. rofl
ZADL said:
@ darkmagician66699 - Good non-sequiter, coupled with an implied ad hominem.
Just kidding there, dm69. Everyone's got their geek. Some of us do spoof activism sites based on zombies, others have super geeky names with veiled references to satanism and sexual positions. Whatever floats your boat. 'scool.
Phil Nelson said:
I think the Pole Position one makes a ton of sense. It's a fish-eye kind of effect.
Batzarro said:
4 is King Mike Myers?
Sensaes said:
Re: Video Checkers. Lee Majors IS the King. (Somewhere in the Archives I've got the Six Million Dollar Man publicity still the artist very obviously ripped off for the painting.)
MattK said:
Glad to see that no Activision games were included on this list, because their covers were awesome. They had speed lines before we got the true exposure of anime over here.
darkmagician66699 said:
@ Zadl:
There is a reason why I use this screenname and it goes way back in time. It has to deal with trying to create a screename that nobody else was using and I was having trouble creating one. So I tried a bizarre name that I didn't think anyone was using, and it worked. It has just kind of stuck and what I use all the time on all sites now. Doesn't reflect who I am. I suppose I could try "Angry Salad" next time, but believe it or not, at the time that was being used as well.
darkmagician66699 said:
What Imagic covers? They looked real. Like props set up for the picture.
ZADL said:
@darkmagician66699 - I'm teasing, brother. Just teasing :-)
What's a nerd site without a little nerd teasing?
Well, the internet really is pretty much only just that, but the point is that it's all in friendly jest. Solidarity brother!
davelog said:
I used to think I wanted to grow up to be Robert Evans. Now I realize that what I really want is to grow up to be Space Robert Evans.
darkmagician66699 said:
@ ZADL:
Allz iz good in nerdland then!
I have to be honest though, I thought you were initially attacking me.
CrackerJacker said:
You know what, hell with this, I actually prefer the lunacy and craft that's gone into these to most 'modern' games. Except for the football game. Give me a handcrafted stretch on what the game actually is anyday.
thejamminjabber said:
Video Checkers is awesome! That is what my dreams look like. All pencil-sketchy with lots of Prince Valiant hair.
B.C. Cakes said:
I think the Phoenix picture is actually kinda cool. Looks like it could be a 70's rock album cover.
ZADL said:
@darkmagician66699 - Nah, I'm just being snarky and sarcastic like we nerds do. Easy to miss when typing though, I should work on that. :-)
Gotta admit, your handle is the perfect name for this site, and I mean this sincerely. It conveys the precise level of nerdness needed to confidently debate, say, Gandalf vs Dumbledore, Kirk vs Picard, or Optimus Prime vs Optimus Primal.
I know that if darkmagician66699 posts it will be authentic geek banter. :-)
RageTreb said:
This article is rather repetitive.
That's all I can think of while reading "that's all I can think of" seventeen times.
darkmagician66699 said:
@ Zadl:
Thx for the comments. Sorry about the Zombie dig. Wasn't fair since I have to confess that I'd probably have morbid sex with a hot zombie chick if she promised not to take a chunk out of my brain first! Hell, I confessed down below on the Red Cobra jump that I'd fully love to have sex with the Baroness if I was a GI Joe figure.
Now if you'd like to see some of my nerdtastic ranting and raving that started out fully sane and ended up sounding like a raving lunatic, jump to the Battlestar Galactica debate/war we've been waging. Although, it is highly plausible that I'm not dealing with a full deck, logic dictates that I'm right and their wrong. LOL!!!
Hembree said:
Dammit! ...Now I want a Space War videogame with Robert Evans....
McRowan said:
DarkMagician66696969 and others are right, the article is poorly written and mal-informed.
TrapJaw said:
Shau, I'm glad that I'm not the only one foresaw the soon-to-be-happening torture and execution of the smug little checkers playing shit.
"Thou may have won the battle Cedric, but the war belongs to thine King! The last thing that thy decapitated head shall see before the Reaper takest thine soul to Hell shall be thy woman being service by mine royal loins! GUARDS!!!"
THE PR0F3550R said:
In all honesty I think you needed to include game scans or videos so that we could compare what the artist's interpretation of the game was and why they drew what they drew. Because Phoenix looks fucking awesome!
Based on the drawings themselves, Video Checkers is just terrible as if the artist drew himself as the king, the fat mom, and the fat kid. It's the same face for all three people. So I guess if you play Video Checkers you will be a smug fat kid who wants his mom to fawn over him and then one day you will be king?
demoncat said:
this list shows why the video game industry had a long ways to go to be what it is to day and back then the game makers had to use what they had to sell the games even bad art. espically the checkers one for it looks like the king is on something
darkmagician66699 said:
McRowan said:
DarkMagician66696969 and others are right, the article is poorly written and mal-informed.
I love the "69" thing you added to my screen-name! Why the hell didn't I think if that before instead of using the "66699"?! Funny as hell.
Thx for the laugh!
darkmagician66699 said:
@ McRowan:
Could I use a little nerdery and change your screen-name to McRohan instead? Just a little Lord of the Rings humor.
:-)
darkmagician66699 said:
Actually, I think the King in checkers looks like Nigel Lythgoe from that TV show "So You Think You Can (Actually) Dance".
Google his pic. Tell me I'm wrong.
Tonik said:
I like the King's raised eyebrow on the Checkers cover. Like he's thinking "This smug, round-faced little shit actually thinks he can beat me?"
james said:
No, that's Mark Hamill sniffing his finger. This is what he between Star Wars films. Well, this and Corvette Summer.
Crispin said:
The kid in checkers looks like Mark Hammel. Maybe they were trying to cash in on SW?
Django said:
Ms. Pac Man looks like a drunk chick at a party, falling all over the place... The ghosts look on, concerned.
David Hahn said:
In #7, why is the Sydney Opera House in the background?
theillien said:
I think Space Elton John would be more appropriate.
Beloch said:
Robert Evans...hilarious. Is Rob Schneider playing the part of "king" in video checkers?
Joe said:
That football art looks like it was done by Leroy Neiman's nonunion equivalent.
