Thursday, Sep. 3 2009 @ 8:03AM
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Batman: World's Greatest Detective, dangerous psychotic, and king of comic merchandise. Only Spider-Man comes close to the amount of crap batman has peddled over the last 60 or so years with his iconic Bat-logo on it. Surely, there have been some fantastic figures, some fun costumes, and other assorted doodads generated, but there has also been some baffling -- and sometimes, some downright wrong -- merchandise that Bats has inadvertently shilled. Here are 9 examples even the Joker would think is crazy.
9) Batman Piñata
I guess this is more or less to let children experience being the Joker and the joy of bludgeoning someone to death with a baseball bat. On the other hand, if Batman had "died" in Final Crisis and immediately turned into a pile of cheap toys and delicious candy, it really wouldn't have been weirder than anything else in that series.
8) Batman Crazy Foam
As cool and fun as this can of soap looked to us as kids, it really is just Batman vomiting on you while you are naked.
7) Batman Train Car
Despite the endless array of vehicles in the Batcave, a train seems particularly ill-suited to Batman's needs. First of all, unless criminals commit crime on the train route, it's not really going to help Batman get there. Second, criminals could very easily follow the tracks back to the Batcave. Maybe this is the preferred mode of transportation for some alternate universe Batman where he's also a boxcar hobo.
6) Batman Desk Set
Question: Does the fact that this has Batman on it overcome the fact that it's a lousy stationary set? Sure, the Joker stapler is kind of awesome -- although he seems to have some extra junk in his trunk -- and the "Sharpens Pencils!" sound effect on the Batman pencil sharpener deserves to go in some hall of fame somewhere. But what the hell is going on with the Bat-logo? Is "25" a date? A time? And why can't it hold more than one pencil?
5) Elastico Batman Doll
Coveted by collectors now but probably one of the more ridiculous items produced by Mego, it harkens back to the sillier periods of the '50s. One can imagine this on the cover of Detective with a caption "The Corn Syrup Crime Fighter." As an added bonus, these figures were notorious for exploding, giving the illusion that Batman was dying from a gaping flesh wound.
4) Batman Bat N Balls
Produced by HG toys in the 1970s, this bat was part of an actually logical line of super hero toys that included a Green Arrow Archery set, Wonder Woman skipping rope and an Aquaman floatation device. Batman was the rare dud in this line, shoehorned in no doubt for some star power. Please feel free to insert your own To Catch a Predator joke in here.
3) Batman Water Pistol
Pump Batman's genitals and he'll projectile vomit on your friends and family. There really isn't anything right about this incredible device, and one has to wonder if this was done intentionally.
2) Batman and the Joker Electronic Target Game
It's clear the good people at Vanity Fair were not comic readers when they made a Batman version of their popular cowboy target game. The concept has you, as Batman, shooting the Joker dead with a revolver. Whether you want to turn yourself into the police or toss yourself off a ledge in the Batcave for breaking your one, solemn rule is entirely up to you.
1) Ben Cooper Batman Mask
Rather than simply produce a cowl, Ben Cooper went all out and gave you Batman's whole face to wear. The result is truly chilling as it resembles some sort of octogenarian escapee from a mental hospital. To add insult to injury, Ben Cooper added the Bat logo to top of the mask in case someone couldn't figure out what it's supposed to be. On the plus side, wearing this in public would certainly strike terror in the hearts of men...
46 comments
Comments
mrsmiawallace said:
Wow... just wow...
Captain Flunky said:
When I was a lad living in the UK, I was Batman obsessed thanks to reruns of the TV show. My Dad, travelling back from the US (the land of awesome toys) said he got me a batman costume. I was jazzed thinking it would be an exact replica of Adam Wests, and was despondent when it turned out to be the mask listed at #1 on the list and a vinyl t-shirt.
Dr Rotwang! said:
Ehhh, the piñata's not so crazy. It's fairly common to see popular characters made into piñatas; if anything, it's proof that Bats is cool enough that Mexican kids want him at their parties.
So they can, you know, rupture him.
Frito said:
That mask certainly strikes terror into the hearts of men.
Runnerx13 said:
A train would be pretty useless for Batman but he does have a subway car! OK, it's basically a Batmobile that travels by rail, but still.
GUMBERCULES! said:
I know I'm going to get some nerd hate here, but Batman is not about fun. He's a sociopath suffering from revenge fantasies as a result of childhood trauma and the associated delayed grieving. Frank Miller realized this in The Dark Knight Returns. Why does he use non-lethal weapons against people with guns? Because it allows him to physically beat them to a pulp and no feel bad about it. It allows him to vent his anger and frustration at people who don't deserve it. Why doesn't he clean up Gotham? Because he needs to victimize others.
So, the fun toys and TV shows are really taking a mental illness and pushing it to the side in order to sell product.
Batman: The Brave And The Bold, I'm looking at you. Your show sucks. Stop making Batman look like a jackass.
Staxxvolt said:
I think I remember a list like this a month or so ago, With the same water pistol. IS TR running out of ideas already? Step your game up TR.
Shawn Robare said:
Yeah, I think the designers of that water pistol were having fun. I find it hard to believe that they didn't place the fill hole on top like most other water pistols. Giving Batman a butt plug was on purpose...
Paul said:
Holy memories, Batman! I think I had that desk set when I was a kid. I had completely forgotten about it until now. Thanks for the flashback.
Pete said:
This list is one of the funniest ever. The subjects and the commentary, top notch! I was laughing at the "staple!" onomatopoeia so much I didn't even notice the "sharpens pencils!" till I read on. Nearly peed my pants.
There may be an explanation for the misplaced symbol on the mask at #1 but why did they put a herpes sore on his lips? Why!?
cummins said:
I wish I didn't covet some of these pieces of crap so much. That said, amazing list!
one zen bullet said:
So that's where Hank from The Venture Bros got his mask for when he becomes 'The Bat.'
Pete said:
Hank's mask was the hard plastic kind like the halloween costume that came with the vinyl smock. How else would he cut his tongue on it?
Malsain said:
The way Batman is squatting, pressed up against the 'pencil sharpener' in #6 just isn't right dude.
B.C. Cakes said:
I laughed myself silly at #8
demoncat said:
seeing this list one has to wonder what the execs who okayed the things were thinking and what group with the squirt gun and the way the pencil sharpner has batman displayed dc was trying to get.and love the silly foam remember wanting some of that stuff when i was young.
Doc said:
I think that water gun should have been #1. Batman with an anal plug and penis pump? Come ON!
And just think about how much more wrong the pinata would have been if instead of Batman it was Jason Todd in his Robin costume.
Doc
skeeter said:
Fantastic "Death in the Family" shot there, Doc. That was the first thing that crossed my mind too.
Sundowner said:
is it me or does the batman water pistol also have an enema reload feature?
THE PR0F3550R said:
@Doc
I agree. #3 WTF! #1 Just looks shitty. #2 goes against the Bat-Man way. But #3, Holy @#%*! Bat-Man!
Zortt1 said:
Hank: Ow! My tongue keeps getting caught in the mouth slit.
Dean: Well don't stick it in the slit then.
Hank: I can't help it! It's MADDENING!
Steve Harrison said:
Just to be a spoilsport asshat, the '25' in the Batman desk set is a perpetual calender deal.
That damn squirtgun disturbs me no end, not so much for Baman being bent over and all, but because I can't help but wonder what OTHER comic or movie heros had the same thing done to them...
Chris said:
I owned that mask.
LBD "Nytetrayn" said:
Chris> Don't you mean that mask owned you?
As for #4, it makes perfect logical sense! He's a bat, with a bat! And he's got balls, too!
And if that's not good enough for you, just think of it as a pre-meditated tie-in to that one episode of B:TAS where he takes down a bunch of toy planes with one, and Robin says "They don't call you 'Bat'-man for nothing!"
Captain EO said:
Darn, you, Doc. You beat me to it. I can still add that if it were a Jason Todd piñata, you'd have to whack it with a crowbar instead of a stick or bat.
JarHarms said:
Shawn Robare......"I find it hard to believe that they didn't place the fill hole on top like most other water pistols. Giving Batman a butt plug was on purpose..."
THAT is exactly what I was thinking.
akujaj said:
I like the idea of bat-hobo!
"Fallen from grace as the toast of Gotham, Bruce Wayne loses his fortune in the "economic downturn" due to bad investments. Taken to the rails searching for a less complicated life, and ultimately fighting for the downtrodden that are his temporary neighbors, redemption is almost within his grasp, until he's rounded up by public services and thrown into Arkham Asylum!"
cocacolaoso said:
*ahem* I owned that Batman water pistol when I was a child...now it seems so amazingly wrong to think I played with that thing! And enjoy it!
Thanks TR! Another childhood trauma added to my list!
Lily412 said:
This list started a conversation between me and a friend about how Batman probably has a fetish for puking on villains in his private time. Thanks Topless Robot!
Rob said:
Lily412 — You're very welcome.
ZeroCorpse said:
I think Hank Venture's is more like the crappy 1/4 plastic kids masks:
http://www.officialsuperherocostumes.com/993238.html
But with the 1960s Batman style like we got in the 70s and 80s:
John said:
#2 is the best one. I can see the sales pitch now:
Executive #1: We need a new Batman toy.
Exec #2: Well, Batman doesn't use guns, he doesn't shoot people, and he would never shoot the Joker.
Exec #1: Perfect! We'll make a Batman shooting game... right after the Batman train car which he uses to pursue criminals on the rails.
Hauntlink said:
I am The Bat!
langgam said:
I remember the batman water pistol.
The list failed to mention that water is loaded through butt and closed with a plug. (Holy enema!!!)
There were other characters such as popeye water pistol.
Also in the batman knigtfall/knightquest storyline, I believe the batmobile was destroyed and Jean Paul Valley who took the mantle of the bat discovered the batmobile that run on tracks and is connected to the subway
Anonymous said:
You forgot to put "Every single toy from Batman and Robin"
Dullard said:
1) Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as The Batman = Disturbing.
mokgohan said:
#1 actually doesn't look a million miles off of Miller's version of him in the first Dark Night series.
Jenn the Hen said:
Batman toys always seem to fail...
Celshader said:
For what it's worth, Batman did use guns in a few stories:
http://sacomics.blogspot.com/2005/08/batman-and-guns.html
Asat said:
Yeah, that whole anti-gun vow came pretty late in the game. It's a damn fine character detail, but it wasn't integral to the character from the get-go. I'm surprised no one ever gave Bruce a pearl fetish while they were at it.
chinaboat said:
Elastico Batman may not be number one but it's got to be the most expensive. There are only two known to exist the best sold at auction in 2006 for $15,100.00 and is now valued at $20,000.00
TBurk said:
I work at a Party City. You can beat the following pinatas until they bleed candy:
1. Batman
2. Darth Vader
3. Spiderman
4. Superman (No one really cared to beat Superman for all he was worth. He was eventually discontinued much to my pleasure.)
5. Puppies. (That's right. Puppies. That amuses me to no end when people buy them.)
6. Mickey Mouse
metalhed1990 said:
thanks for this list I dont think I ever laughed so hard in my life!
pokefreaks said:
The mask is crazy ha ha
bizzarobrian said:
Despite the hilarity of that water pistol it`s a kool looking piece.I`d kill for one.
JD said:
#3:
Also note where you fill the gun with water. "This town needs an enema" takes on a whole new meaning.
