And here I was expecting a Marge Simpson themed FFF. Ah, well.

All Your Base are belong to Baroness.

wtf is wrong with people? we all know women can't rape men.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*cries*

This makes my head hurt.

Ahaha, kept being reminded of that DOA movie, what with all the nanaporbes. Excellent selection. :D

"... her pussy lightly shaved into a landing stripped. "

That actually kinda makes sense.

That was hilarious Rob! The one thing I'm curious about is, why did she decide to break her own arm with a judo chop? To make it more difficult to rape him?

"GI Joe troops storm the Cobra base to rescue the duke. But it seem to be a trap, somehow someone way they knew they were there and was taking out a lot of troops, but the Joes weren't going out without a fight"

I got that far and became reasonably certain that back at home my English degree started bleeding.

That was rough, if only because of the atrocious grammar, and the constant confusing of pronouns.

"She did a Judo chop on her arm breaking it."
-She broke her own arm? Seriously? I'm not sure which school of fighting arts the Baroness went to, but breaking your own arms seems counter-productive.

"She punch him hard breaking her ribs"
-Again, if she's breaking ribs every time she hits someone, maybe she needs to start pulling her punches a bit.

Please tell me the person that wrote this doesn't speak English as a first language.

Fail backwards: a feat of stupidity so awful that it not only cements your reputation as a dumbass from that point on, but also goes back in time to retroactively affect your reputation up to the point of the fail.

Example: "The senator who advocated decent family values and denounced same-sex marriage failed backwards when he was caught cheating on his wife with his male secretary in the back of the church."

Allow me to be the first to do this.

http://www.kaeli.us/pics/Baroness.jpg

Ok. After laughing for about 5 minutes and wiping the tears out of my eyes, I can say that this little gem is a keeper. As for the homework:

Fail backwards - to reverse a fail, but not in order to win.
example - Windows 7 will fail backwards to replace Windows Vista.

Ok ok I laughed but I think we can all agree poor grammar and spelling is a bit less humorous and reprehensible when it's obvious that they are NOT writing in their first language. Given this guy's severely tenuous grasp of English, I have to commend him on being brave enough to write a whole story in it. There is no way this guy speaks English as a first language. Even more than the generally awful English, there are somewhat subtle give aways such as the constant shift in tenses and (more tellingly) the confusion of male and female pronouns. I have quite a few friends who learned english as a second language and whether they're from Korea or Sweden, the confused pronoun is a near universal mistake.

So yes this guys English is hilarious, and calling duke "the duke" is comedy gold, but his English is probably better than my whatever-language-he's-used-to-speaking.

Good thing Snake Eyes had his "I'm rubber, your glue" nanaporbes activated...
"She did a Judo chop on her arm breaking it."
"She pulled off her mask... Cute face American, to bad I have to break it"
"She punch him hard breaking her ribs"
She did more things to herself then he did.

And "pussy lightly shaved"... priceless.

"fail backwards" the Baroness broke her own arm with a judo chop, and still kicked Snake-Eyes ass! he was fail backwards knocked the f@ck out!

I think I figured out why the writing is so terrible: Outsourcing.

FFF is cutting costs and has been written this week by Sanji of New Delhi.

Rob, you're awesome.

While I fully agree with Forte on their example of "fail backwards". I alos see it as this..
Fail = Trying and not succeeding.
Fail backwards = Not succeeding before even trying.

Example.. fanficnut has failed their attempts at a comprehensible story. They have also fail backwards at any hope of someday losing their virginity.

Some people have no business writing any kind of story.

But dammit, that won't stop them from trying. Even if they have only mastered a 2nd grade education before dropping out.

The saddest part is that these people actually expect that all of the "hard work" they put into their story will win them praise and appreciation and legions of fans applauding their effort.

Which actually makes this kind of thing a lot less funny and a lot more tragic, when you think about the sad, sad state of the world, for those with below average intelligence and their dreams of appreciation that obviously go nowhere with written crap like this.

Sadly, i can only shed a single tear for the fanfic "authors" out there, utterly wasting their no-talent lives with this shit.

I love the broken english FFF's. Not quite as good as the Harry Potter one with the magic pussy and invisible clock but definitely a keeper.

In light of today's events I say we give fanficnut the Nobel Prize in Literature because apparently they just hand these things out to anyone...

Her pussy engulfed him? I get the image of Baronesses vagina, like, swallowing him whole. Like not just his cock.

CORBAAAA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RA

'Fail backwards' could be the first urban dictionary entry to have multiple meanings when first entered.

"CORBAR RETREAT!"

Cobra member: "Don't worry he's not talking to us. Keep shooting your red laser."

"She brained the cobra symbol in his ass."

Brained. The cobra symbol. IN his ass.

Brained.

Sooo... she grabbed a cobra symbol, and shoved its head into his ass? Man, she IS a bitch!

Oh, dear God in heaven. PLEASE tell me this wasn't BrickHouseBunny21 writing under a pseudonym. (Although "Who your MISTRESS" will *never* top "WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?" Just sayin'...)

One of the weakest parts of star trek voyager was seven of noin's over reliance on nanaporbes as well.

"Who your mistress"?!? I have one thing to say about that, "WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS!!!"

Now, THIS is a FFF I can get behind! It's got it all:
1. No furries
2. Characters I recognize
3. Hot chick
4. Horrible, horrible spelling and grammar
5. Totally nonsensical story and utterly unconcerned about continuity

More of these...please!

I have yet to read the the comments here, so if I cover old ground, too bad.

This smells less like bad writing and more like bad knowledge of English. This is exactly the type of writing that is used by folks who are writing in a language that is not their first.

It does not excuse it, and I would never defend any slash fic author, but that seems to be what we are seeing.

Holy Christ, this story is loaded with great, potential Internet memes!

"Well Hello snakes eyes"

"You may be wondering how I knew all your team moves."

"[M]y torture mixed with my sex skills can break any man"

"Don't talk much, don't worry soon will have you screaming"

"Special nanaporbes created by several Cobra scientists, copies the greatest fighter moves, and make me stronger."

"First I will break you, and then I will rape you"

"Almost hit me, much update this system"

and of course...

"HAIL CORBRA"

Ah English Dictionary, you are cruel and unfatefull mistress for us poor foreigners

Fail backwards, hmm, I am on "mistakes that negates former accomplishments" team
"The esteemed economics professor filled today for bankruptcy"

fail backwards: wouldn't that be liaf?
I'm pretty sure that Corbra Commander is an expert at failing backwards, forwards and to the sides.
Snake Eyes speaking that is failing in all directions.
Getting his ass kicked by a self hurting Baroness is failing backwards.

"Yes, it hopeless"

Yes, it hopeless indeed...

Man, this is one of the most amusing fan fics I've read since "Doom: Repercussions of Evil." (Although it doesn't have anything quite as memorable as "'No, John. You are the demons' And then John was a zombie.")

'However, this time, I do have to warn you that if you're an English teacher or have any sort of emotional investment in the correct use of the English language, this might well be your Pokémon story.'

No Rob, I'm afraid that was the Kirby/Ribbon Story. Though this, this is a close second. Bravo Rob. Bravo. Now I think I'm gonna find where I stashed that Vodka and go try and forget about this horror.

@SpiderHyphenMan: yes, that's the exact image that went through my head as well.

Well, Rob, this weeks FFF was...interesting.

http://www.cafepress.com/whoyourmistress

For those of you who can't go one minute longer without a "Who Your Mistress" tee with the Cobra symbol.

ythIS waS gretest stury iv'e red IN QUIte long wile. thank you and blaess god for your works you find

"Special Nanaporbes" should become a meme of WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS caliber.

Kaeli,I was almost afraid to click the link, because I just had a horrible feeling that a landing stripped would be involved. Thank you for not doing that.

That being said, this was very full of the sex that is sexy with the man's ass being brained with the Cobra head for the lady who has the skills of powerful sex. Or something.

@The Admiral: Hahaha, nono, I would have given the NSFW alarm if any landing strippeds were involved. :D

I haven't laughed this hard at FFF in a while. My sides actually hurt from laughing.

WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS!!!

I demand some meme-tastic Fail Backwards JPEGs.

BUHWAH?

I called this after Brickhouse Bunny- there is a massive abandoned Wharehouse outside of Shanghai, with sweatshop like conditions where hundereds of illiterate peasants pound out incomprhensible Fan Fics for the burgeoning US market. All Hail our Chinese Masters!

OMG OMG OMG OMG I'M LIZZING!

Oh, that was written by a native english speaker. It vibes retard, not foreigner.

I think this fanfic broke me and then raped me. Or maybe it was the other way around.

Either way, I got over the horrifyingly bad grammar about halfway through and laughed until I cried. This fic was amazing.

"He was staggering and starting the see stars"

I'm staggering & starting the see stars too! Hilarious FFF.

I'm foreigner who wants to speak, write, and read in proper English grammar, I obsessively check and re-check every word, noun and verb before speak or write, and I go bonkers every time I make a mistake. But is sort infuriating/encouraging/relaxing fact that this guy send his creation to the English speaking world without warning, shame, care, stress, English dictionary or spellcheck.

Here's to you fanficnut! Lved yur Engrish. May the gods bless you with "Levels of sexual pleasure no man was meant to take".

How did Nanoporbes get in this story? Oh those damn Brog! Resistance IS Futlie!

Also Fail Backwards is awesome.... but maybe the concept should be re-named retrofail?

Hey give fanficnut a fucking break! A) He's in highschool, B) Nobody checks fucking spelling on the internet, and 3) I am now his fan, and I lvoe this story

I have laughed hard to hard this story. Thank you, Rob, for no worry this FFF story brings smile to my face. I love Baroness hard to leather german accent, and that's all right.

Either English was not this guy's first language, or those are typos and he typed it one handed.

I laughed at this so hard I cried. Awesome.

Thatcher: How do you know he's in high school? Also, I check my spelling whenever I make a comment here. I take great pride in that. Also, you spelled "love" wrong.

So where exactly do you buy cock paste? At a Micheals or Hobby Lobby?

Well, it's about time the Thing got his own brand of cigars. Of course, under Marvel's current "no smoking because kids might be influenced, but brutal murder is fine" policy he can't actually smoke them.

In all fairness, it's probably hard to type with one hand, while the other is squeezing Mr. Winky.

@SpiderHyphenMan: LEAVE THATCHER ALONE! He is what they call, the best of the best!

STEAL CAGE is my new band name.

As someone with degrees in both English Lit. and Creative Writing... this is my favorite FFF ever and I'm not even half-way through it.

I think you're missing the point, Rob. This isn't one of the worst FanFics ever. It's one of the best. Fanficnut is clearly emulating the vernacular style of Mark Twain. Only, 'steada fokes livin' off the Mississip, Fanficnut did write as from German natural speaker who does not know English good. Just like the Baroness.

It must be true. It... must... be...

The Duke? I had no idea John Wayne joined the Joes.

There's so much good things about this fic, I don't know where to start. I think I'll let just let it sink in for a day to fully appreciate it. Although, my favorite thing about this must be "Half and Hour later". How does that work?!

Thank you Rob. Thank you.

(I'll be in my bunk)

WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?!?!!!

That was painful.

The fact that Snake Eyes can speak actually bothers me more than the grammar or content.

Oh sweet glow-in-the-dark baby jesus I am doomed...

Steal Heal will totes be my Rock Band band name if I ever get a console game system.

I linked a Baroness fanfic to you last week and you found a even worse!

This makes me awesome?

DUKE NEVER TELLS HIM HOW SHE KNOWS ALL THEIR MOVES!!

i will give the author of this instalment of evil props. for at leas the author has taste enough to have the baroness use her sexual powers to prove why she is evil . though did not like snake eyes finaly talking for he is suppose to be mute . but guess even snakes eyes can not resist the charms of the opposite sex when it comes to getting some.

Was anyone else as thrown off by the "Brained the cobra symbol into his ass"?
I'm hoping fanficnut meant "branded."

Look at that, in two sentences I have more punctuation and more complete sentences than that story alone.

And it's to be expected that a shitty fanfic got written after a shitty movie.
Snake Eyes CAN'T speak, he doesn't have vocal cords. Also, up at the beginning, it says "she pulled off her mask, etc, etc, 'your face is cute, too bad I have to break it'".... Does she pull off his mask, and not hers?

He wouldn't look cute, HE'S DISFIGURED. Hence the silence and the mask.

If you're going to write a fanfic, DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

@Kayla - People have different tastes. Maybe fanficnut also thinks the Elephant Man was a hunk?

And, as I've already established, fanficnut is writing in a German-Broken-English vernacular. Perhaps ffn's fictional narrator is into that sorta thing?

The nanaprobe more YOUR MOTHER more skilled in thing other then fighting!

MAN am I good at insulting people...

Woooooow, I want to drive a steal rod through my eyes now. It feels like someone did a drive-by on the English language.

Prepare the Nanaporbes.

@ Kayla: You are all that is right and good in the world. Do you have nanaporbes?

This failure is so adorable that it doesn't bother me (and I'm an English major). And all of the comments had me in stitches.

@willroyboy, as a former Michael's employee I can tell you: asile 14 with all the other adhesives.

I guess that proves that women is the weakness of snake eyes. He broke his silence to yell scarlet when she died. Now he broke his silence to baroness.

"Cute face American, to bad I have to break it"

Is this a retcon? Isn't the reason why snake eyes wears the mask was because his face was burned by aviation fuel? (Man, I'm taking this one waaaay toooo seriously)

"It's like a regular cage, but it hasn't been paid for."

I spit taked with scotch. I

Not bad... quite enjoyable read, lots and lots of superbly confusing imagery. Most, if not all of which has been reviewed.

Can you imagine this story on robot chicken? I can... yes, that would work just fine.

Oh, one last thing. Failing backwards= having the last laugh before the laugh has been had. Liaf= Engrish laughing, dunno... it makes sense to me :).

Hmmm... perhaps this will work.

BEGIN THE MACR0-WARS!!!

Failing backwards knows no bounds... none shall pass.

ogod.

it's good to know that i'm not the only person who read this and thought, "AND THEN, JOHN WAS A ZOMBIE."

it was absolutely HORRIBLE, from a grammar Nazi standpoint, and i hope this is the person's second or third language, but it was so bloody FUNNY.

Baroness isn't german.

I don't know why THAT is the thing tha bothers me about this story but it does so immensely.

Fail Backwards: To accomplish a great feat, but still not meet one's intended goal.

Example: "I learned how to speak French, my father's native tongue, but it turns out he still doesn't love me."

Wow, Engrish.com meets FFF.

Though it can never be as bad as "My Immortal"...

This really needs a dramatic reading to accompany it...

@T-cake: Me too.

Why does this sound like it was written by an English expatriate then he translated it into Japanese then translated back into English by another Japanese person before being hastily submitted?

fail backwards

I laughed so hard I woke up the SigOther. Again.

Read the whole thing outloud to my girlfriend. We laughed so hard that we cried. She's going to make me a shirt for Christmas.

I love FFF.

Enjoy your nightmares.
http://i34.tinypic.com/2mwctgh.png

Link is SFW, but don't count on getting any sleep tonight.

This is probably the funniest thing in the history of poor translation. It is almost as if somebody found a spanish version of this story and translated through babblefish. Wow great, it punched the english language so hard it busted a rib!

This is a nice change from last week's Lara Croft All-You-Can-Eat, but it's still nine shades of awful.

And Fail Backwards? I think it's when you fail so completely and thoroughly that you actually step in some success! Like this FFF. Completely terrible, but so much so that it actually warps reality!

I AM an English teacher, and this is certainly awful! Was this person's first language even English? Was it translated with a computer program? I mean, the occasional tense confusion in tricky situations happens, but this badly...no way. Seriously, this person wouldn't have passed 4th grade English. This is written as a "What Not To Do" for English grammar, never mind the awful story itself.
I agree with Kothbo, the Kirby/Ribbon story was still worse.

How to fail backwards:

!?!SIHT ELBISNOPSER ESOHW

Even though I'm an English major I can't deny the awesomeness of this fic. "She took a napkin and cleans her blood gloves."
Brilliant, simply brilliant. Keep 'em coming Rob.

"She smiled and wicked smile as her pussy engulfed him"

Huh?

The nanaporbe made me fail backwards knocked out. I hoped i never get rape. I'd say my cock is now paste.

Moar please!

To fail backwards: to try so hard in your effort to succeed that you end up failing and ultimately losing more than you would have gained if you had succeeded, and more than you would have lost if you had done nothing in the first place.

The Duke: A-number-1

@SpiderHyphenMan - just discovered this site this week have we? Even if you are one of the few not aware of the fantasticness that is WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS???, you should be able to tell when someone is being sarcastic!

@Jubilee: Are you a troll trolling trolls...? Or just unfamiliar with the concept of lampshade hanging?

@Shane: It's totally possible to rape a dude...

I think an 8 year old who failed English wrote this.

i'm just wondering wtf Nanoporbes are...

Mommy, what's a Nanoporbes?
She breaks her own arm and ribs...how did the Joes lose to her, but then again she is that much of a bad ass that she can break herself and still be able to rape the Joes.

I so wanted to get through this one, but the grammar is so bad I couldn't. It's a terrible loss to American Literature.

Rescue the Duke? When did John Wayne join GIJoe?

this is the funniest damned thing that I have read in a long time and the comments here are even more hilarious! yes I am a grown woman with a 13 year old boy's sense of humor!

Now we know what the dialogue translators who worked for Nintendo in the late 80's have been up to lately. This guy should get a job writing stereo instructions. (And I should know since I am too be writer with expert percession!)

She (1)brained the cobra symbol (2)in his ass.
(1)I have telekinetic powers to brain something on something else.
(2) In his ass? Ouch.

to fail backward is to liaf