Cartoons, Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: The Baroness in “GI Joe wrath of the baroness”

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?After last week’s unpleasant chronicle of Lara Croft: Sex Lunch, I’m bringing it down a notch this week. Yes, no rape/cannibalism in this week’s story, courtesy of author fanficnut… unless you count the rape and cannibalism of the English language. I hate busting on these fanfic-writing knuckleknobs’ lack of grammatical skills, since I’m a horrible typist myself, and pot/kettle and all that. However, this time, I do have to warn you that if you’re an English teacher or have any sort of emotional investment in the correct use of the English language, this might well be your Pok?mon story. Behold:

Baroness strikes

That’s not a heading or anything — that’s the first sentence.

GI Joe troops storm the Cobra base to rescue the duke. But it seem to
be a trap, somehow someone way they knew they were there and was taking
out a lot of troops, but the Joes weren’t going out without a fight

Snake eyes manage to head toward. He saw the Duke in a cage stripped
naked with a Ball in his mouth. He was shocked. Cobra went to far this
time. He went to Cobra throne room and saw Cobra there with a bullet in
his head. It wasn’t fresh. He seem to be dead for days

How much more awesome would Duke be if his codename was actually “The Duke”? A lot, right?

“Well Hello snakes eyes” A woman with a thick German accent said

He turns and saw the Baroness dress in leather. She walked to the cage.

“Turns and saw” — two different tenses, just a single word apart. And it’s only just begun!

“There is how you Americans say, a change in management. You may be
wondering how I knew all your team moves. Duke will tell you why”

She put out her hand in the cage. Duke crawled to her and kneeled. She
took the ball gag out with her glove hand and let his kiss it

“Don’t blame him; my torture mixed with my sex skills can break any man. He did last a good 2 hour though before I broke him”

It’s taken me less than a minute to copy and paste this, and I think I’m already broken. Click next page to saw more!


She smiled. The light glinted off her glass. Her black hair flowed. She
was wearing steal heal boots. Snake eyes pulled out his sword

Sooo… stolen boots that promote exfoliation. Got it.

She smiled

“Don’t talk much, don’t worry soon will have you screaming”

He swung the sword and parried with expert precession. Baroness dodges
every move. She grabbed his arm and tossed him into the wall removing
him of his sword

“Special nanaporbes created by several Cobra scientists, copies the
greatest fighter moves, and make me stronger. German scientist of
course. Now you weak pathetic American”

Nanaporbes?! OH NOOOOOO!!!!!:(!

Baroness Aid

She smirked waved her hand through her gorgeous black hair. He went for
a few punches she blocked it and slapped him. The slap sent him across
the room

She calmly started cleanly her glasses

“First I will break you, and then I will rape you”

I would think that raping first would then help with the breaking, but then, I’m not the one filled with nanaporbes. I’m sure the Baroness knows what she’s doing.

He tossed some grenades. She blocked it with her sword, sending it to explode in the air. He went for a punch. She caught it

“Almost hit me, much update this system” She said

System error: Abort, retry, rape then break

She did a Judo chop on her arm breaking it. She brought him to his
knees and started punching him repeatedly. Her breast bobbed up and
down as her fist connected drawing blood. She pulled off her mask

“Cute face American, to bad I have to break it”

She punches him hard again repeatedly drawing blood. Not a hair on her
was out of place but his face was bruises up. She took a napkin and
cleans her blood gloves.

He went to punch her and caught her by surprise. She smirked

“Is that all you got weakling”

She caught him in the gut and slammed her fist upward knock. He was
staggering and starting the see stars. She blew him a kiss and fail
backwards knocked out

Topless Roboteer homework: explain to me how to “fail backwards.”

Later

He woke up tied up on her bed. She walked out stark naked. Her nipples
were rock hard and her pussy lightly shaved into a landing stripped.
She said nothing. She still had her glasses on. It glinted in the
moonlight as she took him inside her. She smiled and wicked smile as
her pussy engulfed him. It kept him hard. The nanaprobe more her more
skilled in thing other then fighting, soon she had him cumming again
and again. Levels of sexual pleasure no man was meant to take

This is the greatest paragraph in history. Not in the history of the English language, for obvious reasons. Just history. I’m totally getting “The nanaprobe more her more
skilled in thing other then fighting” tattooed over my stomach.

She laughed as he squirms under her, overflowing her pussy. She slapped
him hard. The backhand connected with him as she pulled his hair. He
let out a scream. She grabbed a ride crop near the bed hitting him
harder and harder. Marks covered his body

“AAAAAAAAA” He screamed “Can’t take it”

He broke his long silence

No, Snake Eyes! Don’t let her nanaporbe-augmented lightly shaved vagina skills break your oath of silence!

“Then say the word I want to hear”

“Never” He said

She laughed

“Oh you will”

Half and Hour later

Her pussy vibrated against him, hitting her G spot making her scream in
climaxed. Sweat dripped down her body as she rode him, hitting the
spots she wanted. She still wanted more. His knees became weak, his
arms couldn’t move. But his cock was harder and bigger then it ever
been. 13 inches now slipped easily in her cunt. Her cunt was turning
his cock into paste

WOW.

“SAY IT” Baroness said

“HAIL CORBRA”

“Uhhh…. that’s not it.”

“LOUDER”

“Hail cobra HAIL COBRA, pleeeease no more”

“Good. for a minute I thought you thought our name was Corbra, and that would have been really fucked up.”

Not a hair was on of place

“Who your MISTRESS”

“Your baroness” He cried

“She is? That bitch! I don’t know why I decided to get my own baroness! It’s just made things so much more confusing, frankly.”

“Great ninja, crying causing of some pussy hahahahahahahahahah, so much for the great American hero”

Oh, we’ve all been there.

He knew she broke him sexually

2 hours pass

Baroness was finish with him. He lay knocked out. She took a sip of
wine. She was going to let him rest a bit. Her women solider had
captured most of the men

Hour later

In a steal Cage

It’s like a regular cage, but it hasn’t been paid for.

Baroness had beaten him a different form of fighting. She now was
slamming him into the gage. She had her cobra outfit on and he was
naked. She punch him hard breaking her ribs

“Now do you see” She said

She stood over him. She took a puff of a thing cigar

Mmm… thing cigar. That’s good smokin’.

“Yes, it hopeless”

“Good boy”

She went out and took a branding iron. She brained the cobra symbol in his ass. She kicked him knocking him out

“Ladies take this trash out” Baroness said spitting on him

The end

Please rest assured, I have not edited a single word — or, as you might suspect — a single period out of this masterpiece. I’d highly suggest re-reading today’s FFF at least once, just to savor every delicious, nanaporbe-laden drop. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to a tattoo parlor before Ms. Robot finds out about my neew favorite catchphrase.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.