By Teague Bohlen in
Comics, Daily Lists
Wednesday, Nov. 25 2009 @ 8:06AM
5) Wonder Woman vs. "The Cheetah"
From the incredibly un-creative title forward, you can tell this strip was completely phoned in. It also seems to be obsessed with the word "pussycat". And that last panel is like bad porn dialogue or something. So in other words, exactly like every other Wonder Woman comic ever made.
4) Iron Man in Rust Be My Destiny!
Did the writer on this strip not realize that Marvel already had a Hydro-Man, and didn't need to make up yet another poorly conceived water-based villain? Apparently not. And the idea that the brilliant inventor/industrialist Tony Stark didn't account for rust in his suit design? Yeah, not buying that. But this strip does include one of the best Tony Stark lines: "Good thing I'm always ready for weirdness!" I'm sure you are Tony, you dirty sonofabitch. I'm sure you are.
3) Green Lantern Vs. Triclops Three-Eyed Keeper of the Cave
Right, so the ridiculous title of this strip is in desperate need of a comma. But nothing else in this storyline makes sense, so why should the punctuation? For one, I'd like to know what "crimes" a big fuzzy monster living in a cave has perpetrated. I'm thinking that his list of offenses is basically this: he's a big fuzzy monster living in a cave. That's fucking prejudice, Green Lantern. Second, you really need to learn better ring habits. Without your ring, you're a bloated ego in a jumpsuit, so keep it charged. And last, if you actually think that Triclops is dangerous enough to tussle with? Don't leave him alone with two kids, especially two kids who just saved your green ass. Was this Green Lantern's first day on the job, or what?
2) Daredevil in "Because!"
There's no one in this strip who isn't an asshole. That's the beauty of it, from the guy at the beginning worrying that a guy falling to his death will give his city a bad name, to the mayor at the end, giving Johnny Clymbe an extra fruit pie and a key to the city (and probably, mentally, the finger) for causing a public nuisance. But the crowning kings of ass in this piece are none other than Daredevil and Johnny themselves -- Daredevil for deciding that a little disrespect is apparently a reason to start a potentially deadly fistfight with someone on the edge of a skyscraper. And Johnny -- well, because as he admits at the end? He could have just gone to the damn store and avoided all of this stupidity.
1) Batman and The Captive Commissioner
There are more things in this strip that don't make sense than there are panels in this strip. One: the absence of a commissioner doesn't cause normal people to riot in the streets. Two: it's completely unclear as to why Batman is in the car with these two low-level goons. Three: if you have a car that you can program to infallibly arrive at its destination, don't use it to kidnap and ransom -- sell the damn car. Four, why does Batman carry sacks of fruit pies? Five, did he really need those fruit pies in order to just punch the lackeys out? Six, what idiot criminals invite Batman over to their hideout -- where they're keeping Gordon tied to a chair in the middle of a room -- to threaten him? Seven, how in the hell did Robin get there? And eight, seriously, how did three morons like this (let's call them Thwack, Thock, and Buff) capture Commissioner Gordon in the first place? This is just stupid. Or as Robin would say: real, deep, big stupid.
 |
4) Iron Man in Rust Be My Destiny!
 |
3) Green Lantern Vs. Triclops Three-Eyed Keeper of the Cave
 |
2) Daredevil in "Because!"
 |
1) Batman and The Captive Commissioner
 |
1 | 2
45 comments
Comments
WillWC said:
I think the brunette was hitting on Jimmy in that first one. " I love the creamed filling.
The Man With Two Brains said:
I always loved these when I'd get old comics because they were always so cheesy and stupid! This list was a great start to my day, thank you!
Mr. Hair said:
I love how Robin inexplicably accentuates words like "big" and "deep" as he stares at Batman.
keepoffthegrass said:
I love how Wonder Woman just subdues that panther to ultimately punch it in the face.
also...in the plastic man one. What are they holding onto when hes in "cart mode"?
Xanthippas said:
Ha. I'd completely forgotten about those ads. Very nice trip down useless memory lane.
But! A whole comic entitled "Because!!" would be pretty funny.
bort said:
Bah! Everyone knows the dumbest Hostess ad ever was Wonder Woman in The Maltese Cupcake.
MattK said:
Peter leaves the scene and Spider-Man suddenly appears? This is practically the superhero story archetype since Clark Kent said he had to make a quick phone call, yet the writer of a fuckin' ad, an ad that indicates horny criminals with rape on their minds can have their lust easily abated with artificial snack cakes, thinks that's too much of a suspension of disbelief? Plus, Spider-Man's halfway up the bridge girder before this thought occurs to him, as if his body teleported to the spot dressed in his costume...what a predicament! And you were supposed to be a genius in school, Pete?
Doublas M2 said:
Hydro-Man wasn't created until 1981. The Hostess ad with Waterman is from 1977.
JayWicky replied to Doublas M2:
Kudos to you for pointing that out, Doublas M2, and also for being a metal beast. There's never enough referring to Go Nagai classics in my book.
Now my favorite part of this ad is that Iron Man just obliterates the water dude. I mean, OK, with a little imagination and a mind ruined by reading too many super-hero comics fare, you obviously figure out that Water Schmuck would eventually condensate and regain his human form. But to the newcomer, this is harsh : the guy is "reduced to steam" just for a little rust on Shellhead's armor. And also, special points to the writer for obviously not wanting the Hostess cakes to have anything to do with the actual plot. They're just the crewmen's snack in the very last panel, and Iron Man's dialogue conveys the writer's lack of interest in blunt, disarming honesty. "Yeah, whatever, smelly working force! Choke on that spongy shit while I retreat to my millionaire's mansion to fuck a supermodel and gargle with caviar!" would have hardly felt more out of place.
easilydissolvedinwater replied to JayWicky:
Actually, the whole heist was about the stash of Hostess Cupcakes in the break room.
Come to think of it, Water Man needs some self respect. He is able to sneak into possibly a high tech weapons research facility, just for some already nationally readily available pastries? Ones you could buy for a buck? What kind of sorry excuse for a villain is that? Did his mom drop him off in her minivan on the way over? Sheesh...
bobby sneakers said:
my first thought on seeing this was, "omg, there were TEN of those ads?"
Monsterfink said:
I grew up with these, thought they were stupid as a kid and think they're hilarious as an adult. I had to do my own http://Monsterfink.deviantart.com/art/Lets-pause-for-the-sponsors-125503332
smkedtky said:
How could you leave out the HUMAN TORCH ad where he fights a woman with a hair dryer that puts out his flames? Whenever I think of these ads (which, to be honest, isn't often) that is the first one to come to mind.
Deathorglory said:
What, "Aunt May becomes the Silver Surfer" doesn't even get an honorable mention?
Dork Loser said:
Doesn't anybody else wonder why the hell there were fruit pies on top of the building?
JayWicky replied to Dork Loser :
Who cares ? The point is that THERE WERE THERE and Johnny Clymbe HAD TO CLIMB ON TOP TO GET THEM ! THERE WERE THERE, I TELL YOU!
Dixie Cyanide replied to Dork Loser :
BECAUSE!!
Bill said:
hmmmm....these can be pretty intense when you think about it.
Attempted murder (of Peter Parker) and attempted gang rape (of Lisa Skye) in the Spider-Man one.
Lesbian bondage in the Wonder Woman one (not that you see me complaining).
Lesbian bondage....I want some hostess all of a sudden!
Hmmm... said:
"Golden Asgard has been less Golden as of late due to the mysterious disappearance of much of its Gold..."
:D
boredatwork said:
I was just thinking about these ads recently, how I kind of missed reading them in comic books. Now that I've read some, I realized that I'm not 10 anymore, and I don't miss them at all.
tvtastegood said:
The answer to Batman keeping fruit pies around is simple. He's Batman, he is prepared for anything.
And isn't that a panther wonder woman was wrestling?
This_Charming_Man said:
Christ! The Captain America one has more dialogue than any single comic written by Alan Moore! Was the writer trying to make an epic Hostess Fruit Pie story in one page? That should have been what you would submit as a "Marvel Try-Out" back in a 80's. If you are able to create a decent one page story involving a Marvel hero and Hostess products, you can work at Marvel.
ratchet said:
I am so glad I didn't see the Hulk ads in the top ten - they were the best!
Black Snow said:
You should have just ended the article with the link to Seanbaby's page. It'd have been infinitely funnier.
El Calor replied to Black Snow:
Yeah I liked it better when Seanbaby did it too, twas much funnier.
JDH said:
I wondered how many you could go before a 'creamed filling' gag. The gals in these things seem particularly enamoured of it.
Jesse321 said:
Great article Teague ... my favorite one was the one with Spiderman and Madame Web (didn't make your top 10)
While these promotions are tacky by today's standards, honestly they were tacky even then, they do bring back a lot of fond memories of the comics from that era.
demoncat said:
nice list for always wondered why dc and marvel decided of all the ad deals they could make for extra money they went with hostess not to mention that the crooks being so dumb that they give up the moment the fruit pies or cup cakes come out . plus interesting that both marvel and dc had the ads though seems dc only got to use the twinkies and cupcakes and marvel mostly went with the fruit pies. and glad i am not the only one who thought the ads were dumb
Geoff said:
"Four, why does Batman carry sacks of fruit pies? "
Because he's the goddamn Batman, that's why.
FuryOfFirestorm said:
I used to like the Fruit Pies in the 80's...they were like PopTarts jam-packed with filling. Then in the 90's, they got shellacked in a super-sweet glaze, and I hated them since. Anyone know if they are still making them with a diabetes-inducing force-field?
Kench said:
So, I wonder if it was intentional that the only time the line "I love the creamed filling" is said, its said by a girl.
Anyone else notice that?
yIntagh replied to Kench:
Yup sure did,that is almost as titter inducing the "amazon" punching the cat.
BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW!
Bogglmeister said:
I really liked the line "oh my gosh I forgot I would rust to death!" Oh Stark, you forgetfull drunk you! If only he would dedicate his life to hostess fruit pies and women instead of the drink....and women.
lou-bert vs,.q-bert said:
I don't know if all are aware, but the Marvel Hostess Ads are in Marvel continuity. Kurt Busiek wrote The Icemaster into Thunderbolts #25. Imagine what Bendis could do with half the characters that were introduced?
Dirty Diego said:
www.seanbaby.com!
That site kicks this sites a$$ anyday!
EndlessWake said:
lol, "I'm sure you are Tony, you dirty sonofabitch. I'm sure you are. "
Freak said:
Gudrun is a girl's name in Scandinavia. at least in Norway. well, not a girls name, but an old womans name.
Big Arn said:
In the Captain America one; "Life, liberty & the pursuit of delicious Hostess Fruit Pies" was as I recall, the slogan used during that bicentennial year. I had a shirt with Uncle Sam saying it.
harmony said:
come on, wonder woman lesbian bondage is a fanboy wet dream. It's great advertising.
Gundosxvy said:
Aloha!akev! http://wfezcxva.com fjcpa nikrp
thecrazyamerican said:
I could not bring my self to read past the first on. honestly bad hostes bad.
the_elan said:
SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION:
http://theoryofeverythingcomics.com/2009/03/presidential-trouble.html
forester said:
Comic 3 reveals that Hostess Twinkies (tm) are better than human flesh.
And that...is one to grow on.
Steven said:
Another thing wrong with with "Batman and the Captive Commissioner" - why did those idiots just merely put Batman in the back seat, alone? Instead of tying up Batman, or pointing a gun at him, making sure Batman doesn't make a move, they merely say "don't try nuthin" and then turn their backs on him??
Excellent list Teague, great job! :)
Bloublibo said:
"You guys didn't find any gold but here's something to drown your misery in; Twinkies!"
"Thanks Jimmy, I love the creamed filling." I love it how they put creamed filling in bold italics. Just to make sure you understood that it contains creamed fillings...bunch of perverts.
