By Brian Heiler in
Daily Lists, Movies
Thursday, Dec. 31 2009 @ 8:00AM
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In the future of The Omega Man, most of us will perish as the result of germ warfare with "the reds." The lucky survivors will become pale-faced jerks with a penchant for black cloaks, sort of like the surliest goths ever. Inexplicably becoming an albino zombie means rejecting all technology and using the most primitive of weapons, which isn't particularly smart when your main predator is the president of the NRA.
8) Reality TV Will Continue to Get Even More Popular
In Death Race 2000, reality TV has gotten even more violent and bloody but what's really scary is its popularity. The shows become so influential that its stars can even become president. Picture a White House including any of the "stars" of Jersey Shore and try to sleep at night....
7) We're Going to Be Conquered by Obnoxious Aliens with Shit in their Noses
It's not that the fact that mankind is felled in seven minutes and forced to live like animals Battlefield Earth that bugs us so much, it's that the invaders are such a-holes about it. The ridiculous looking, overacting Psychlos can barely walk properly. Despite all their (non-stop) bragging about themselves, they are so incompetent they take over 1,000 years to strip mine a planet and have a décor sense worthy of the Flintstones. Why couldn't it have been Cylons?
6) We're All Going to Eat Each Other
In 2022 -- a mere 12 years -- overpopulation combined with a declining environment will force us to grind up our elderly in order to produce a crappy green waifer called "Soylent Green." Even then, you'll have to wait in monstrously long lines to get it and it'll taste like your grandmother's apartment.
5) Scary Faceless Amusement Park Robots Will Shoot You
Thanks to the good people at Delos, soon lucky tourists can pay $1,000 a day for the experience of a robot amusement park (complete with robot hookers!) where they give you and them live ammo. This seems more like natural selection than anything seeing as most amusement parks can't keep a "Tilt-A-Whirl" safe for a week. Throwing guns into the equation is the stupidest thing ever. If you die at Westworld, you're getting what you deserve.
4) Our Ape Slaves Will Rise Up and Kick Our Asses
When all dogs and cats died in the '80s (whoopsiedoodle!) we logically tried to fill the void with jump-suited primates inexplicably now the same size as us. Being the lazy buggers we are (this is the most believable part) the apes were turned into our slaves, and we humans had them run every annoying mindless errand we could think of including making our food, cause monkey's know good cuisine. Predictably, they eventually wise up. At least according to Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, the takeover is short, albeit bloody.
3) Parts For Your Sex Bot Will Be Impossible to Find
In the 2017 of Cherry 2000, there's extremely good news -- we've finally perfected robots we can have sex with. Unfortunately, the bad news is when they break (and come on, if there is anything you're going to break it'd be this) you have to risk your life crossing a forbidden zone ruled over by a freaky barbeque cult. If that weren't enough, the protagonist of Cherry 2000 gives up on his quest to fix his sex-bot and settles for Melanie Griffith, making Cherry 2000 bleaker than any of the other movies mentioned so far.
2) Corporations Will Own Your Ass
In 2018, we're going to be in a global corporate state, meaning that all those conspiracy nuts will be doling out the "I told you so's" at an alarming rate. What that means is we'll become drones to a big beehive and have privileges (like visiting a library) become our new currency. Oh and if the CEO of Food Corp. thinks your girlfriend is hot, you don't have a girlfriend anymore. Terrifyingly, despite its leisure suits and '70s décor, Rollerball gets more realistic each year.
1) Robots Will Look and Sound like Robin Williams
More horror than sci-fi, Bicentennial Man showed us what the world will be like when our robot slaves are adlibbing in a "hilarious" Robin Williams-esque manner. Obviously, getting turned into Soylent Green or getting shot by an ape would be a mercy.
73 comments
Comments
Mike said:
Actually 2010 is the last year of the decade, and we have only been in the new millennium for 9 years (it started in 2001). You don't start counting to 10 from 0.
Mike replied to ZADL:
Apples and Oranges dave. Think of it this way, there was no year 0. So the first decade was year 1 to 10, then you go to year 11. Now, when we hit the year 20 it's not 10 years, it's only been 9. So the next decade did not start until the year 21. Not all that hard to figure out.
Crazy smart Astrophysicist who worked on Hubble trumps random nerd on interweb.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2009/12/31/a-little-decadence/
/Argument from Authority (yes I know it's a logical fallacy)
(just teasing, this is meant in good fun)
Mike replied to ZADL:
HA! Yea, I understand. I do calibrations and have to deal with numbers all day. People are looking at a group decade instead of the actual linear decade going back to year 1.
Some where in there is an actual line of thought that makes since.
CTrees replied to ZADL:
Okay that's exactly what I was thinking, lower, but in a lot more words.
Hmmm... replied to ZADL:
Hey I was always taught that we DO treat decades like centuries/millennia. I will continue to assert that this decade is NOT OVER.
Arcane replied to Hmmm...:
Nothin' is over! They drew first blood, not me!
Sgt Nolisten replied to ZADL:
...
What the hell are you saying?
St. Michael replied to Mike:
Sure, there was no year zero, but there also wasn't a year one, or two, or anything up to around four hundred or so at the time, 'cause the AD calendar hadn't been formulated yet. All calendars are arbitrary, and I see no reason (unless one is specifically writing for academic purposes) not to use the colloquial form for decades and centuries and start with 0.
Danicus Spamicus Decimus Meridius replied to Mike:
and yet, we call decades by other names, like... 'the 80s' not '1981 to 1990'.
chudleycannonfodder replied to ZADL:
Well, 11 and 12 year olds also aren't teenagers, so I guess by your standards the decade was from 2003 to 2009.
davesnothereman replied to Mike:
"You don't start counting to 10 from 0"
maybe you don't.
Avgvtvs replied to davesnothereman:
The mistake comes from the fact that we didn't have the notion of the number 0 when the christian calendar was made in the Middle Age.
So, the year Jesus was born was year 1 and not year 0. Therefore, the millenium started at 2001 and not 2000.
CarKrash replied to Avgvtvs:
actually according to wikipedia, jesus was born in 4 BC.
Wikipedia is always right.
Sodamancer replied to CarKrash:
Jesus was never born.
However, the formulation of a calendar that correlates with his birth year would have always start with the first number-1 at the time.
Regardless of whether or not it was 2 b.c. or 4 a.d., it'd consistently have to be 0-it could never be b.c. or a.d.
Stupid squabbling.
0 is the first number in anything, thus 2000-2009 is the first decade of the 21st century, and 2010 would be the first year of this decade.
Just because our arbitrary calendrical system didn't start with a full decade(01-09) doesn't mean that 2010 isn't the beginning of the current decade.
Jon replied to Avgvtvs:
Ptolemy first introduced 0 to western society over a millennium before the Gregorian calendar was created.
CTrees replied to davesnothereman:
0, 1, 10. How else would anyone count to 10?
Phil replied to CTrees:
0110100010
Ed K replied to Mike:
So you're saying that 1980 was actually the last year of the 70s instead of the first year of the 80s? I don't think so.
Mike replied to Ed K:
No, the year is what the year is. But the decade ended on December 31, 1980; and the next decade started on January 1, 1981. Confusing I know, because no one bothers to actually count.
Mike replied to Ed K:
Think of it this way, your first set of 10 is 1 - 10, next set would be 11 - 20 (each set of 10 ending with 10, not starting with it). Come on guys, y'all are supposed to be nerds and have already known all of this.
CTrees replied to Ed K:
How about this? The 80's, are by necessity the years numerically in the 80's (80-89), but the 199th decade would be 1981-1990. We're now about to begin the 21st century 'teens' decade, but we're a year away, yet, from starting the 202nd decade.
Jon replied to Mike:
Actually, a decade is a sequence of 10 consecutive years not anchored to any specific start or finish.
Bonus fact, people that correct one usage with another need better things to do.
Mike replied to Jon:
I've got as much to do as you it would seem. After all, you did respond.
Xanthippas replied to Mike:
Thank you for attempting to hijack the thread with a reminder that only every third smarty-pants on the internet wants to hand out right now. Yes we all know, and no, we don't care.
Kevin replied to Xanthippas:
Eggs-actly.
Mike replied to Xanthippas:
It would seem that you do care. If not you and I wouldn't have had this exchange.
sweaty__merckx replied to Mike:
I don't know... this sounds like a suspiciously FORTRAN-specific comment. We've moved on, man.
CarKrash said:
nope.. this is the 2nd decade of the 2000s. Welcome to the god damn future.
giskards_revenge said:
CAESAR!!!!!
Chad said:
They TOTALLY had the notion of zero in the middle ages. The concept has been around in recorded history, both in the new world and the old since at least 2000 B.C. Well before the middle ages.
McRowan replied to Chad:
Just because people knew of the existence of zero, it doesn't mean they accepted it. For instance, the ancient Greeks understood that other cultures accepted the concept of zero (or the void) but they themselves refused to allow it as it would contridict their own beliefs (to accept the void is to accept the infinite).
Grimmie said:
Arguing about when the decade / century begins. Nerds. 8-|
BTW, you forgot about the barren wastelands infested with gangs of violent, scraggly, homeless teenagers. Some on skates. (Futurama, Solar Babies, etc.)
Cast-a-Way Toys said:
"They TOTALLY had the notion of zero in the middle ages. "
The future of that conversation is what's gonna suck...
Besides as long as I get my flying car and jetpack... oh and entire meals in pill form and laser blasters for the whole gang... I'm good... future sucks? pu-lease, it's gonna be oh-some!
JOE said:
Mega Man also shows up at some point.
What was that year? 20XX? 20XL?
telezombie said:
is anyone else worried that one day taco bell will be the only restaurant and we'll have to use shells to wipe our asses? Taco bell does horrible things to my digestive system and if I have to use shells....where's my gun?
JOE replied to telezombie:
How about the irony of useing shells to both eat and sh**
rickicker said:
linking the lines between Cherry 2000 and Megaman due to the years of 2017 and 20XX, suddenly Tony Stark performing statutory rape on an underaged, intelligent talking toaster sounds a whoooooooooole lot scarier!
GUMBERCULES! said:
THE FUTURE! SO BLEAK! PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE I HAVE TO WATCH ANOTHER ROBIN WILLIAMS MOVIE! PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Xanthippas said:
If #1 comes true, I'm shooting myself.
Joel said:
Wow. It reeks of virginity and desperation in here even more than usual. Lol. Happy New Year!!
Funky said:
Weak list. Not one mention of zombies or being drugged and having to learn gun fu
Mitchell Craig said:
If Jesus comes back and discovers a planet full of Morkbots, He'll just say, "Fuck this noise."
Then He'll turn to the Heavenly Host and say, "Okay, boys. Knock the hell out of this shithouse!"
Mercy killing, doncha know?
dan tacos said:
You know, the numbers are kind of arbitrary. What really defines a decade is its cultural 'character.' For my money, 1990 and '91 pretty much felt like an extension of the late Eighties. It wasn't until the presidential election of 1992 that I really felt like the decade began, because Bush Senior rode into the White House on the coattails of Reagan, whose presidency is a big part of the 'character' of the Eighties, and Clinton had such a different style in many, many ways. And then I don't think the Aughts got started until September 11, 2001, for obvious reasons. For better or worse, that particular day really set the tone for the years since.
I'm sure different people will have different cultural touchstones they associate with each decade, but my basic point is that arguing endlessly over 0 vs. 1 is fucking stupid. It's like the 'less filling, tastes great' debate: nobody gives a shit.
Beppo said:
Here's a list of things I don't give a shit about:
1) Whether or not this is the end of the decade or next year is the end of the decade.
That is all.
Didn't "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes" take place in the far flung future year of 1994? Or am I thinking of that other dystopic classic, "The Apple?"
Arcane replied to Beppo:
That's when the moon got destroyed in Thundarr the Barbarian
BobJ said:
Geeze. We really thought the future was gonna suck in the 70s, didn't we? I think I saw most of those movies in a drive-in or second run theater when I was a wee lad.
Man, I feel old.
And no, "the first decade of the 21st century" isn't over.
Bill said:
This whole decade thing is really bringing out the nerds in droves online. Practically every site is congested with a few of them trying desperately to convince everyone else of how intelligent they are over this end of the decade nonsense!
All you decade nerds celebrate next year about the end of the decade, ok? Leave the rest of us alone to have fun tonight.
Tonik replied to Bill:
It happens at the end of every decade. Me, I just get drunk every year. No hassle that way...
demoncat said:
thankfully the only things on this list close to coming through is cherry 2000 as japan is working on robot mates aka sex bots.soon to be on the market by 2012 and the rate reality tv keeps going number eight has a possibility of happening plus corporations already own us by their advertisiing and taco bell will be merged into the love child of burger king and mcdonalds
The Amazing Rando replied to demoncat:
Actually we already have a robot pussy, it was on this very site not too long ago. And why isn't the Demolition Man future on this list, two of of the things Sandra Bullok (or how ever you spell her fucking name)said have already happened.
demoncat replied to The Amazing Rando:
forgot all about that and as for Demolition man it proably missed the cut. for the list or not worthy enough
The Amazing Rando replied to demoncat:
Oh, Blasphemy! Demolition Man is just twenty years from now it could still happen, and it looks like it might. Schwarzenegger is planning on running for President.
Catherine said:
I loved Bicentennial Man.
Samjoe replied to Catherine:
Why the hate for Bicentennial Man. I thought it was excellent telling of a SCIFI story. It unfolds like the 50's and 60's short stories. It had poise and grace and a message to tell. But mostly now,its "Lets see, how stuff we can blow up on screen." Robin Williams is a product of our times. We the public made him, and we paid him to act the way he does. If we hadn't of, he would have disappeared years ago.
WetOREO said:
Meh. Today is the end of the decade. Meh.
soj said:
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!
HBCat said:
Can't believe even on a nerd website there is confusion over when the decade ends. It's like arguing about how to write binary. The decade ends when it's mathematically correct, people, not when it's convenient.
- and yes, my millennium party was on the 31st Dec 2000.
Da Bearon said:
At least you used the far-superior 1975 version of Rollerball.
Man, the 2002 remake sucked sharp flinty rocks.
Leaman Crews said:
A decade is just a group of 10 years. It can be any 10 years.
Yes, the new millennium started on January 1, 2001. But when we, as a society, talk about decades, we start a year back. You know, the 1980s (1980-1989, a group of 10 years), the 1990s (1990-1999), and the, uh, noughties (2000-2009).
Anyone who wants to get all mathematical about it is out of touch with society's conventions. Society may be out of touch with math, but anyone who wants to argue this kind of stuff probably is a LOT OF FUN at New Year's parties.
WEKS replied to Leaman Crews:
"Anyone who wants to get all mathematical about it is out of touch with society's conventions."
I'm not surprised we'd find those kind of people here.
Asat said:
I wish I could spend an afternoon writing an article about dystopian futures that would inspire readers to bitch about the old "decades don't end when you think" complaint. Yeah, that would really make my week.
On the upside, the future may be bleak but there'll be plenty of Wyld Stallyns music, so it won't be all bad.
The Amazing Rando replied to Asat:
Rufus is that you! I thought you died! Excellent!!!
The Ren Geek said:
#10 - Every 10 years, every smartypants know-it-all trots out the size of their intellectual e-peen by talking about how its not REALLY the end of the decade/century/millenia and every time, few people will actually care.
Borg-Cylon love child said:
My therapist's therapist says hating 'Battlefield Earth' is only natural. And healthy.
715 said:
Looks like someone didn't see Bicentennial Man
richardw93 said:
ok forget all the calculations bull shit for a second its a decade because we say it is, 1970 wasnt in the 60's nor was 1980 in the 70's seriously while everyone was celebrating the new decade you fags were going around the new years party going "no guys, guys it isnt actually the end of the decade because when jesus was born blah blah blah" you would count the zero , say like we started the calender again we'd start at zero the same is when a child is born and it isnt one years old yet. It really aint difficult
