9 Ways the Future Will Suck


?It’s the last day on 2009. Heck, it’s the last day of the decade. We’ve spent 10 years living in the new millennium, and think we’re all pleasantly surprised we’re not dead from a nuclear war, conquered by aliens, or the earth hasn’t just randomly exploded yet. Still, we all know where’s not getting through the next 90 years unscathed — some bad shit is going to go down, possibly from assholes from beyond our solar system, but more likely because of something stupid we did. Luckily, the movies have prepared us for many of these scenarios by showing us some of the many ways the future will be terrible. We figured out nine before we decided to get a head start on our New Year’s Eve drinking.

9) We’re Going to Die and/or End Up as Crazy Hunted Albinos

In the future of The Omega Man, most of us will perish as the result of germ warfare with “the reds.” The lucky survivors will become pale-faced jerks with a penchant for black cloaks, sort of like the surliest goths ever. Inexplicably becoming an albino zombie means rejecting all technology and using the most primitive of weapons, which isn’t particularly smart when your main predator is the president of the NRA.

8) Reality TV Will Continue to Get Even More Popular

In Death Race 2000, reality TV has gotten even more violent and bloody but what’s really scary is its popularity. The shows become so influential that its stars can even become president. Picture a White House including any of the “stars” of Jersey Shore and try to sleep at night….

7) We’re Going to Be Conquered by Obnoxious Aliens with Shit in their Noses

It’s not that the fact that mankind is felled in seven minutes and forced to live like animals Battlefield Earth that bugs us so much, it’s that the invaders are such a-holes about it. The ridiculous looking, overacting Psychlos can barely walk properly. Despite all their (non-stop) bragging about themselves, they are so incompetent they take over 1,000 years to strip mine a planet and have a d?cor sense worthy of the Flintstones. Why couldn’t it have been Cylons?

6) We’re All Going to Eat Each Other

In 2022 — a mere 12 years — overpopulation combined with a declining environment will force us to grind up our elderly in order to produce a crappy green waifer called “Soylent Green.” Even then, you’ll have to wait in monstrously long lines to get it and it’ll taste like your grandmother’s apartment.

5) Scary Faceless Amusement Park Robots Will Shoot You

Thanks to the good people at Delos, soon lucky tourists can pay $1,000 a day for the experience of a robot amusement park (complete with robot hookers!) where they give you and them live ammo. This seems more like natural selection than anything seeing as most amusement parks can’t keep a “Tilt-A-Whirl” safe for a week. Throwing guns into the equation is the stupidest thing ever. If you die at Westworld, you’re getting what you deserve.

4) Our Ape Slaves Will Rise Up and Kick Our Asses

When all dogs and cats died in the ’80s (whoopsiedoodle!) we logically tried to fill the void with jump-suited primates inexplicably now the same size as us. Being the lazy buggers we are (this is the most believable part) the apes were turned into our slaves, and we humans had them run every annoying mindless errand we could think of including making our food, cause monkey’s know good cuisine. Predictably, they eventually wise up. At least according to Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, the takeover is short, albeit bloody.

3) Parts For Your Sex Bot Will Be Impossible to Find

In the 2017 of Cherry 2000, there’s extremely good news — we’ve finally perfected robots we can have sex with. Unfortunately, the bad news is when they break (and come on, if there is anything you’re going to break it’d be this) you have to risk your life crossing a forbidden zone ruled over by a freaky barbeque cult. If that weren’t enough, the protagonist of Cherry 2000 gives up on his quest to fix his sex-bot and settles for Melanie Griffith, making Cherry 2000 bleaker than any of the other movies mentioned so far.

2) Corporations Will Own Your Ass

In 2018, we’re going to be in a global corporate state, meaning that all those conspiracy nuts will be doling out the “I told you so’s” at an alarming rate. What that means is we’ll become drones to a big beehive and have privileges (like visiting a library) become our new currency. Oh and if the CEO of Food Corp. thinks your girlfriend is hot, you don’t have a girlfriend anymore. Terrifyingly, despite its leisure suits and ’70s d?cor, Rollerball gets more realistic each year.

1) Robots Will Look and Sound like Robin Williams

More horror than sci-fi, Bicentennial Man showed us what the world will be like when our robot slaves are adlibbing in a “hilarious” Robin Williams-esque manner. Obviously, getting turned into Soylent Green or getting shot by an ape would be a mercy.