By Shaun Clayton in
Daily Lists, Tech
Thursday, Jan. 21 2010 @ 8:00AM
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As our technology in robotics continues to improve, there's pretty much zero chance we'll avoid creating a robot that will kill humans -- the only two questions are 1) will we do this accidentally or on purpose, and 2) how many humans will these robots kill, some or all? I think there's a good chance in the coming decade that some robots we are working on right this very minute will become dangerous and commit several brutal human murders, if not bring about humanity's grisly end. Here are 10 robots currently in existence that are likely candidates to do either.
10) Asimo
Asimo, the robot developed by Honda, scares the crap out of me. First, it looks like an astronaut, which is supposed to make it more friendly, but instead makes it looks like it's an alien visiting from another planet. As movies can tell you, aliens have a 50% chance of being friendly and an equal probability that they want to suck off your face and plant eggs in your lungs. Second, the Japanese won't stop messing with it. They keep not only making it do more things, making it faster, more agile, and able to operate longer without recharging. Hell, why not give it rotating blades while you're at it?
9) Toyota's Violin-Playing Robot
There's only one thing that music leads to, and that is drug abuse. If you turn robots into musicians, you are going to create robot junkies. Just imagine, a whole slew of robots, playing Elliot Smith covers by day, then harvesting human organs to sell on the black market so they can get their heroin fix by night. Sure, who knows what fantastic double albums they may put out, but only the mutilated corpses of the human race will be around to listen to them.
8) The Roomba
Most people know The Roomba. These small, disc-shaped vacuuming robots move around your house like some sort of retarded hockey puck. Some have even taken to naming their Roombas, as if they are pets. This how it starts. People start to care for the little robot, even love it. Soon they come out with new and improved Roombas with greater intelligence and cute little eyes. Then they improve on that one and give it even Greater intelligence and an adorable little nose and fur. Then they improve on it again, and it wakes you up one morning with a gun pointed at your forehead, saying in a robotic voice, "Now it is your turn to clean the rug."
7) Albert HUBO
This little robot has a lot of the features of the ASIMO, but it has one important difference - a human head attached. In this case, Albert Einstein's head. I should point out that attaching Albert Einstein's head to anything does not make it "smarter," otherwise, there would have been quite the scramble for Einstein's head after he died. Plus, does anyone really know if the scientists decided to give the robot the head, or if the head is something HUBO asked for? I think heads are something it has decided it needs, wants, and must collect. Thus, the Robot Headless Horseman is born.
6) Alice This Japanese robot has been designed to do one thing and one thing only -- dance the polka. Admittedly, Alice has a very low probably of killing us personally, but she makes me want to kill myself, and that seemed worth mentioning.
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66 comments
Comments
Dork Loser said:
Why is the horrible sex doll thing from last week not on this list? It may not directly kill anyone either, but like the Japanese polka bot, it makes me think about slitting my wrists, and maybe getting a little homicidal. If nothing else, think of the reduced population as repressed nerds no longer have to attempt to find and awkwardly couple with actual humans in order to fulfill their biological urges.
Tom replied to Dork Loser:
wondered this myself...
do4m replied to Tom:
Where's Roxxy? Her Sly Stallone face and Programable Personalities should've been on this list... he likes... Soccer... and believes 9/11 was an inside Job.
langgam replied to Dork Loser:
Title of the list is robots that would PROBABLY kill us. Maybe Roxxy WILL kill us.
Kris replied to Dork Loser:
The most annoying thing on the internet is top ten lists that just reiterate things everyone already knows.
Especially since this isn't a "top ten" list so much as a list of ten robots, so hey, WHY REPEAT AN ARTICLE when we could read something new?
JayWicky replied to Kris:
Word. I thought I was lost in the archive of cracked.com, where that topic must have been covered like, what, five times in two years ?
porcupine replied to JayWicky:
Not to mention the fact that Cracked made a point of rehashing mad Japanese robotics developers and knew the uncanny valley incarnate Actroid's name and series.
Which isn't to say this is a bad article...it's just that there's more of a chance of that paralyzed but eerie robot Aiko finally having enough of the random Chobits crap its creator foists on it than there is of the Asimo doing anything beside riding a unicycle and waving at children.
Speaking of Aiko, latest news was the weird little fellow wanted to give "her" legs. Wonder what's happened to him.
Dork Loser replied to Kris:
Good point I guess. I just thought that the horror should stay fresh in everybody's mind, lest we forget.
Griglager replied to Kris:
You could always go watch a Hollywood remake movie instead of complaining about a robot remake article...it's how America works now! :)
Charles G said:
it is clear from this list that 'Rob Bricken' is a human slave of our future robot overlords. His list of murderous robots is a clever ruse designed to draw attention away from the actual robot menace that exists. It is also a very funny list.
CTrees said:
http://pinktentacle.com/images/irex2009_10.jpg
A ping pong playing robot, with a built in smirk. Not only does it know that it's superior to we ugly sacks of mostly water, it can't even hide it's contempt. Now that's something we have to worry about.
Mitch said:
I think in your case Rob you should add Topless Robot to the top of the list of robots that will kill YOU.
Jade said:
I feel a very important addition has been forgotten. This monster:
http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2009-04-16/japanese-man-builds-11-meter-15-ton-beetle-robot
It's a giant mech beetle. That a 60 year-old Japanese man built. In his frickin' spare time. Oh. And he has three of them. And they can be remote controlled. Which means they're about three steps away from wandering off on their own to destroy Tokyo. (Although maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing, since almost all of these robots were created by the Japanese.)
If an old Japanese man can build this shit in his spare time, the robot Apocalypse is nigh. I predict 2012. Anyone else?
comosaywhat replied to Jade:
dear god 60 year old men are making Zoids
Abraxas said:
I, for one, welcome our future robotic overlords :)
porcupine replied to Abraxas:
Unless they want McNeal. Someone somewhere has to stand up to the tyranny of metal overlords ruining our sitcoms.
toomin said:
#1 looks like a demented baby version of IG-88. SCARY. 0_0
Necronomic Forecast said:
I properly laughed myself silly at #2's description. A swarm of kittens. I am stealing that line.
That you, TR, for brightening up my day.
forester said:
Most look pretty lite weight, easy to knock down and run from. But in the footage of number 7, behind HUBO's right side, can be seen a robot that looks like it weighs like 150 pounds easy. And it looks like there is a place on it's neck ready to attach a human head.
And the random universal irony involved here is that someone who actually saw and read this will end up attached to this thing. Or their head will. And then sent scouting the streets looking for survivors, using the memories of where their comrades that got away were hiding out.
The Flash III said:
That's it! I'm out of here. I'm shutting down my computer, torching my house, and going "off the grid." While those robots have enslaved you poor saps, I'll be living off of bark and berries deep in the Rockies. Sayonara, all!
Skumbunny said:
#4 is all over the uncanny valley. . .But #1 will be in my nightmares for days to come.
DoctorSmashy said:
Holy Frijoles.... Diego-San is the stuff of nightmares. Just please, TR, I beg of you.... do NOT show us any footage of him MOVING!
DoctorSmashy replied to DoctorSmashy :
I actually saw Asimo in action at the Science Museum in London once.... he wasn't too developed back then, but he did have to get deprogrammed after he tried to lazer the audience. I still have the burns.
DoctorSmashy said:
I actually saw Asimo in action at the Science Museum in London.... he wasn't too developed back then, but he did have to get deprogrammed when he went into Killbot mode and lazered a bunch of the audience. I still have the burns.
BorgQueen said:
The thing that gets me about the Roomba.. it KNOWS when it is low on power and finds it's little recharger thingy. *shudder* So we can't even try to kill it when the time comes and this thing leads the great Robotic Rebellion. We shut down the power in some way and it just finds it's base and keeps on killing. We have created a robot that can basically regenerate itself at will.
How many of us have been so busy doing something that we forget to eat and feel weak? If you have then this frakking thing is already smarter than you are...
Like we're really going to listen to the Borg Queen when it comes to saving ourselves from robots. Sure, you warn us about the Roomba now, but how do we know it isn't merely to keep us distracted from the real threat?!
BorgQueen replied to RobP:
Why would you settle for being taken over by a lesser cybernetic being when you can be assimilated by perfection? I am doing you a favor. Resistance is futile bitches!
Brion said:
Anyone else laughed when the link on the Japanese Female Robot clip was from horror.com?
How about the utter fear in the child's eye when the swarm started pulling her away?
It always boggles my mind WHY do we need humanoid robots? It kind of seems pretty pointless to me.
maachubo said:
Its not just that we can imagine some robots killing humans. Its that every robot we imagine goes on a killing spree. Seriously, we can't even conceive of a non-murderous robot. So please, please, for the love of God do NOT make the robots bulletproof. We already know that we will have to, at some point, defeat the robots in combat... so why not make them easy to beat?
(And I'm serious about the every robot is a murderer thing. Just name a sci-fi (syfy?) story that has robots and none of them are murderers.)
wetstereorebel replied to maachubo:
Short Circuit? True, maybe not strictly sci-fi, but it had a robot.
Steve Harrison said:
I find myself thinking so many random, confusing thoughts, which may actually link together.
Diego...my brain is foggy, wasn't that the name of the kid in Lone Wolf and Cub? Which means he'll become a pure killing machine, right?
It's scary how some of these were foretold in movies. Roomba showed up (conceptually) in Macross: Do you remember love, the Swarm-bots seem a hella lot like the robots in Runaway...
Steve Harrison said:
I find myself thinking so many random, confusing thoughts, which may actually link together.
Diego...my brain is foggy, wasn't that the name of the kid in Lone Wolf and Cub? Which means he'll become a pure killing machine, right?
It's scary how some of these were foretold in movies. Roomba showed up (conceptually) in Macross: Do you remember love, the Swarm-bots seem a hella lot like the robots in Runaway...
Steve Harrison replied to Steve Harrison:
and I apologize for the double post. I hit 'post' and I got back a server 'page does not exist' error so I went back a page and hit post again. D'oh.
NicoNicoDouchebag replied to Steve Harrison:
It was "Daigoro."
.....I watch too many chanbara movies.
Steve Harrison replied to NicoNicoDouchebag:
Yeah, you're right, I just wasn't sure, thank you.
altho it wouldn't surprise me at all if the guy who built it made the same mistake ;)
That thing still looks like it's ready to take up a pair of swords and start slashing it's way across the room...
(there is no shame in watching chanbara movies. none whatsoever it is mathematically impossible to watch too many.)
NicoNico Douchebag replied to Steve Harrison:
You have good taste, sir.
Cdaja said:
I had been going to ask how anything could be more terrifying than the iCub...then I saw the #1 spot.
This is the stuff high octane nightmare fuel is made of.
rickicker said:
ahem! allow me to be the first to say AAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! KILL IT!! KILL IT!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAbigheadAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
-crashes through window-
Michael said:
How did Urkelbot not make the list?
Manwards said:
Polka-dancing Alice is the funniest thing I've seen in ages. Just innocently doing her thing, dancing the polka until the end of eternity. I can imagine her turning to a second camera and sighing, "Meh, it's a living", like the animal appliances in The Flintstones.
Diddy_Mao said:
That updated Asimo is ++awesome.
If it can run, that means it can chase.
Submit to dominance hu-man!
Paolo Mongon said:
@ the Icub
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Its the robotic children of the corn!!!!!
Nekusagi said:
I'm actually happy Alice the robot Dollfie got on this list.
Because any chance to have adorable Alice brighten my day is a good one.
Suz said:
The android robots are creepy, but the robot scares me the most is BigDog.
I don't know if it's the woodland setting, or the weird jerky-but-lifelike movement, but it is way to easy to visualize this thing hunting down humans in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Especially that one guy who kicked it;
Big Dog is just unnatural. The noise it makes will forever haunt me for the rest of the life. I've never seen something before and immediately hate it so much that given the chance I would wipe it from the face of the Earth. Terrifying.
Em M. replied to Suz:
Gahhhh, creepy as hell. I think it must be the fact that the legs look vaguely like two humans stuck inside the robot. Also that nothing seems to slow it down... Not good when I'm more likely to slip and fall on the ice instead of this when it comes to destroy me.
Jesus. That's terrifying. It's like a Metal Gear prototype. The fact that it's funded by fucking DARPA makes the comparison even more fitting.
Asat replied to Suz:
Bigdog looks like Mummenschanz and sounds like a swarm of weedeaters. I defy anyone NOT to kick it if they get the chance.
Capsulesn'Coffee said:
I watched Hardware last night and this is what greets me in my morning hours. Thank you TR.
SpecterM91 said:
Holy shit, Mecha Vern Troyer will doom us all.
demoncat said:
if any robot would wind up being the one that takes a human life no doubt it would be sex bots though those swarm bots would also work for one would have to program and fix them so they multiply over whelming their target in the end same with the rhomba. though hopefully robot makers will not ever stoop to that level of buidling death bots. other wise humans will start thinking real life terminator
trashME said:
My computer crashed for the first time when I watched the polka dancing robot. Coincidence? I think not.
Aaron said:
Magnus would kick all those robots asses.
akiratrooper said:
Diego is just made of unadulterated high-octane nightmare fuel.
Sleep tight now, guys.
But yeah, just in case these robots go berserk, we have Megaman. BUT GOD, SAVE US FROM DIEGO!
rickicker replied to akiratrooper:
he'd probably go after Albert HUBO first, mistaking it for an evil, demonized, mechanized version of Dr. Wily instead!
Ubiq said:
iCub? Why didn't they just call it Casper and be done with it?
Meanwhile, Twendy One looks like one of Nintendo's old ROB units went to the same physical trianer as Barry Bonds.
porcupine said:
Paro wasn't on this list. It's hard to believe that a mewling robotic seal pup is not anything other than concentrated evil.
toplessnerd said:
haha, i saw the demonstration for asimo at disney land... it can walk up and down stairs and run. That's something to worry about.
Pelyk said:
Holy shit, I was creeped out by the noise Asimo made when it ran, and the way Twendy-one cocked its head when putting the straw in the drink. But then I watched the Big-Dog video and i became actually frightened. The way that thing movies is fucking unnatural, and that fact that it wont fall over even when its carrying over 300 pounds is scary as shit. You add the fact that it weighs over 200 pounds on its own...
:shivers:
Asat said:
Just wait until Booji Boi...I mean Diego-san...sets his optical sensors on that polka-dancing animething and decides to integrate their mutual uniqueness. Freakbot 2.0 will make all these first-generation monstrosities look like tribbles in comparison.
DarkRaven said:
I'm startled that you didn't include the Fisher-Price T.M.X. Tickle Me Elmo in this list. It may appear innocent and harmless, with it's laughin' and gigglin' and carrying on, don't be fooled by it's devious appearance.
None of the robots on your list frighten me, because they all appear as if they can be knocked over with a good swing of a claw hammer or a 2x4. But if knocked over, the T.M.X. will get back up on it's feet to continue on it's way. Ponder that for a bit. IT GETS BACK UP. It can't be stopped! Surely it's a predecessor of the T-800 model Terminator unit.
Imagine an army of Elmos marching through the streets, slaughtering innocents, laughing maniacally and staining their fur a deeper shade of red from the blood of their victims. THAT is a truly frightening robot.
T-cake said:
I swear I saw pure, lifeless evil in the eyes of Twendy One at 46 or 47 seconds into that video...
ZeroCorpse said:
I bet there are at least five guys who come here regularly who are thinking, at this very moment, that they'd like to fuck Alice.
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You know it's true.
Evil Monkey Pope said:
I'm more worried about that little robot that shot the cigarrette out of an an unsuspecting allosaurus with a homade sniper rifle.
Mock26 said:
Asimo looks like he is running to the toilet while holding in the world's biggest dump!
