The 20 Nerd Commandments

By Rob Bricken in Daily Lists, Nerdery
Wednesday, January 27, 2010 at 8:02 am
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Last Friday, I asked you all to suggest some Nerd Laws for the TR contest. There were three things I didn't anticipate: 1) that I would get 400+ entries, the most for a TR contest in quite some time; 2) that because I posted a pic of Mel Brooks as Moses from History of the World Part I that pretty must everyone would type in "thee's" and "thou's," 10 Commandments-style; and 3) that the entries would be quite so awesome. I know I say the entries are awesome every week, but this is the only time that I decided they were quite so wonderful that they had to become their own Daily List.

Seriously, I think we've created a set of laws that every nerd should genuinely live by. We've made a code of conduct, people, for nerds everywhere. I wish I could print out copies and hand them to every nerd in the nation, they're that good. So please, don't just enjoy today's Daily List, take it to heart. I want to start with three laws I amalgamated from many comments and commenters. Their inner truth was undeniable:

1) Thou must experience as many nerdy properties as possible throughout your youth (nerdy parents must assist with this). By the age of 20, you must have chosen at least two sides of the following: Star Wars or Star Trek, Kirk or Picard, Marvel or DC, Mac or PC, Trukk or Munkey, Baker or Tennant, and Joel or Mike. If these topics come up, you must argue your choice past all reasonableness.

2) Thou must always recognize your first exposure to a nerdy property was the best possible incarnation of that property. Likewise, thou must always find new incarnations, sequels, spin-offs, rip-offs, and media inspired these properties to be crappier than your prized original.

3) Thou must revere the Nerd Girl, because she is as rare as the diamond and just as valuable. Thou shouldst not stark her just because she's the only girl in your nerd circle, and if/when she turns down your advances, you will not spurn her because that's just shitty. And Nerd Girls, thou must be careful, for thy power is great -- and can be used for both good and ill.

The other 17 Nerd Commandments are after the jump. Don't read them for me... but for the sake of your nerd soul.

Now we get into specifically TR commenter suggested laws (although I did a bit of editing). Consider these the Honorable Mentions, although you should obey them just as you would first three Commandments:

4) Thou must try to convince your significant other to name the child after a character of nerdy importance. If thou are cut from the cloth of the nerd tribe and have managed to breed, , and bringeth into the world the Lando's, the Anakin's, the Kal-Els. --Hagan

5) All nerds must be able to sketch, from memory, the basic outlines of the Millennium Falcon, USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), and the TARDIS. --Rob [Not me. --Ed.]

6) Thou shalt not question who shot first. --Skeletor

Thou shalt acknowledge that Batman beats everyone, ever, anywhere at fighting. That's right, he beats everybody. Even Optimus Prime. Even Darth Vader. Even Chuck Norris. He'd find a way. He's the goddamn Batman. --DoctorSmashy

8) Thou shalt be prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse, and teach thy children similarly.

9) Thou shalt not forget to honor and give thanks to the Dice Gods for your triumphs and victories. --Krys

10) If two nerds ever find themselves holding cylindrical objects of at least 9 inches in length they must immediately make lightsaber ignition noises and face each other down in mortal combat. --Bronson

Shouldst thou hear a man proclaim, "Now you know," for whatever reason, then thou must reply in your most triumphant voice, "And knowing is half the battle!" Let he who should offend against this law be cast out from the company of his worthier fellows and be made subject to aspersions made 'gainst his improper rearing and the cuckolding whore that did sire him and perform the rearing. --JesseMXGangl

When searching for something to watch on television you must watch the geek movie you come across, even if you have said movie in your collection. If anyone asks, "Why don't you just watch the one you own?" stare at them like an idiot and explain, "That is not the point." --Durandal

In order to assure procreation of the nerd species, thou shalt not utter nerdy quotes during sex. --Erixander

Thy first crush must be upon an cartoon character. --Darth Dorkus

Thou must not be the nerdiest person in the room, the one nerd that even the other nerds are scared to be around. If your obsession causes you to lose a job, significant other, or cause harm to yourself, GET SOME FUCKING HELP. --Geoff [Ed's Note: I feel like this covers my fan fic rule from before. If you're writing about pedobeastophiliac Care Bears porn, you're very likely this person, and you should knock that shit off. --Rob]

Thou must learn how to do to the Vulcan hand gesture, whether thou likes Star Trek or not. --keepoffthegrass

Thou shalt be required to attend at least one nerd convention (videogames, anime, comics, etc.) during thy lifetime. --Erugalathon

There shall be no viewing of fansubs by any self-described otaku/anime fan who can afford to purchase the said material (exceptions: viewing at conventions or titles that have no chance of being released stateside). --Capsulesn'Coffee

All nerds, when purchasing something in a store, must never pick up the first item in the front, because the item in front has almost certainly been touched by unclean hands, and thus its condition is less mint, the grade must pleasing to the nerd gods. --C-Squared

Commandment #20 -- and the winner of the contest -- is on the next page. As are some bonus words to live by...
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