Fan Fiction Friday: Zack Morris in “The One Gigantic Fix”

?There have been many Fan Fiction Fridays where we, as readers, have not understood the sexual appeal of the story’s content, e.g., we don’t want to have sex with baby animals, so the story fails to arouse. There have been many FFFs where we don’t understand the author’s motivation for writing the story, that it’s not sexual, that the author just really wanted to talk about Sherlock Holmes getting enemas for 10,000+ words. There have been countless FFFs where we don’t understand the writing itself because the author can’t write worth a shit.

This might be the first FFF that I don’t understand anything.

Well, I suppose this tale from author Andrew Troy Keller (hey, he stands by his work) is supposed to be titillating, since it features Saved by the Bell‘s Zack Morris having sex — and I use this term very loosely — with the three main female characters of the show. But there’s nothing, just nothing, that — you know? Let’s just start:

You know,if I am personally not mistaken,each and every member of the
entire human race on this very planet known as Earth could possibly have
a secret or two that he or she would rather keep from that person’s
family and friends because of the total embarressment that he or she
would receive if that secret gets leaked out somehow

I swear to god every time I read this sentence I hear a thousand English teachers crying out in anguish. Every member of the entire human race on this very planet known as Earth please continue after the jump.

Such is the case with one of the students of the particular
Palisades,California learning establishment known as Bayside High School
for it happens to be at that very school on the very First day of March
that while the other students were quickly getting themselves from one
class to another,three Bayside High Schoolers whose names happen to be
Zack Morris,Samuel Powers and A.C. Slater were allowing themselves to
swiftly duck themselves into rest room and supply closets to make sure
that the school’s principal Richard Belding does not catch them in the
halls.

“Allowing themselves to swiftly duck themselves into rest room”? How does one duck himself? Why would they need to allow themselves to duck themselves? I’m glad the author specified that this story is taking place on Earth, because it’s hard to tell from the bizarre, alien-like behavior of the characters.

And of course,there is a good reason why they were doing that.You see,it
was on a Saturday of the week before that Zack’s parents had talked him
into going with them to the Morris annual family reunion picnic which
was where he had sneaked himself away from the rest of the
family,stripped off all of his clothes and took a little skinny-dipping
splash into a nearby lake.

Wait. Wait. You just said they’re at school, going to classes. Now it’s Saturday and Zack’s at a family reunion picnic? Where he decided to go skinny-dipping?

Now,it might had been the fact that he had covered himself with
something that might possibly had been poison ivy or that there was
something in the water.I really don’t know.

Even the author is baffled by the details of his own story, and we haven’t even started yet.

What I do known is that after
the three friends had looked around and made sure that Belding was
nowhere in sight,Zack,A.C. and the nerd that they happen to call
‘Screech’ had ducked themselves into one of the school’s locker
rooms,where A.C. had turned on the water and Screech had kept a lookout
for Belding while Zack takes all of his clothes off and steps into the
shower,only to look down and discover that his cock was still stiff
which was due to his skinny-dipping stunt at the Morris family reunion.

Four paragraphs in, and chaos fucking reigns. Let’s break this down:
? They’re at school, going to classes, but on a Saturday, and Mr. Belding’s there.
? Zack somehow went skinny-dipping at a family picnic while at school, and something happened in the water that caused… something.
? This somehow necessitates Zack taking a shower at school.
? This also somehow requires the help of Screech and Slater.
? And, most importantly of all, the family reunion picnic skinny-dipping experience, which might have involved poison ivy, has given Zack an erection.
All right. Continue. 

And after an upset Zack had started blaming A.C. for his dick not
becoming stone-hard,the only suggestion that A.C. has been able to give
to his buddy was to just give it some time to work.

?The fuck? Is Zack upset that Slater doesn’t have an erection? Did Zack’s erection suddenly go away? Why would any of this be Slater’s fault? WHAT DID HE MEAN TIME TO WORK AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

But as soon as both
Screech and A.C. had left the locker room and a depressed Zack had taken
another look at his still-stiff cock,let out a sigh and said,”Come
on,Little Buddy!Do me a favor and shrink back to normal,okay?”,three of
the female Bayside High students–Kelly Kapowski,Lisa Turtle and Jessie
Spano–had stepped into the locker room to use the shower themselves
which had caused poor Zack to smack his hand on his forehead and
say,”Screech,you idiot!You had allowed Slater to place me in the girls’
locker room!”

But it’s Screech’s fault Slater put Zack in the girls’ locker room? Which all the girls are using on Saturday in-between classes? And why does Zach have an erection that won’t go away? And has talking to a penis ever worked for anyone?

And after a suddenly-curious Kelly had heard that,she had stepped into
the shower and spotted a bare-ass naked Zack with his hands covering the
spot where his male penis happens to be which had caused Kelly to look
at Zack like she was about to ask,”What the fucking hell are you doing
in here,Zack?Have you gone out of your mind?”,before he had suddenly
realized that there was no way for him to weasel himself out of the one
gigantic fix that he had gotten himself into,exposed his still-hard-cock
in front of his own ladylove and explained to Kelly about how it had
gotten that way.

First of all, “male penis.” Second of all, would Zack like to explain his mysterious erection to the rest of the class? Because I’m still fucking clueless.

And strangely enough,Kelly had started feeling sorry for Zack in his
condition and that had caused her to remove all of her clothes and start
pumping her fingers in and out of her hot,wet pussy and carressing her
own tits with the other hand which–in turn–had suddenly caused Zack to
start stroking his cock in front of Kelly before she had moved herself
closer,kissed Zack ever so deep and passionately on the lips and allowed
him to start licking all over her nude body and down to her hot and
steamy cunt.

?As delightfully deranged as the above paragraph is, I think my favorite part is the “strangely enough” at the beginning. Why yes, it is somewhat strange that Kelly feels sorry for Zack’s “condition,” and that her sympathy requires her to start masturbating furiously. I also find it strange that her vagina is steaming, but maybe that’s just me.

Then,as soon as both Jessie and Lisa had placed their equally-naked
bodies inside the shower and started pumping their fingers in and out of
their hot,moist snatches and carressing their massive melons,Kelly had
placed one of her hands on Zack’s bare shoulder and the other hand on
Lisa’s bare arm and started sucking on her huge tits which had caused
Lisa to slowly lick her lips and say,”Hmmmmpppphhhh!Yeeeessss!Do
it,Kelly!Suck my tits!Keep sucking on them while Jessie fucks my pussy
and Zack sucks every last drop of juice from your wet twat!Aaaahhhh!”

Wait. So Jessie and Kelly start masturbating too? Are they also feeling sorry for somebody? Each other? Me, for reading this gibberish? If I feel sorry for the author because I don’t believe anyone anyone can say  “Hmmmmpppphhhh!” in a sexual manner, even in a fictional story, do I also have to start masturbating?

And then,after Zack had placed his hands on Kelly’s bare butt and
started humping that huge beef stick of his in and out of her moist clit
and sucking on her tits,Kelly had placed her hands on Lisa’s
silky-smooth naked thighs and started licking on her pussy while the
school’s African-American student had placed her hands on Jessie’s bare
shoulders and started licking on the strawberry-blonde’s snatch which
had caused a sexually-charged Jessie to place her hands on Zack’s bare
back and yell at the top of her lungs,”OOOOHHHH,YEEEEAAAAHHHH!THAT’S
IT,ZACK!DO IT TO KELLY!KEEP FUCKING HER WET PUSSY DRY WHILE SHE MAKES
LISA GIVE ME THE HARD FUCK WITH HER TONGUE!DO IT
NOW!AAAAOOOORRRRGGGGHHHH!”

?Time for another breakdown:
? Beef stick.
? If Zack is “humping” that “huge beef stick” of his in and out of Kelly’s “clit,” one or both of them has a serious medical condition and needs to see a doctor immediately.
? Anyone else assume that Jessie screamed “”OOOOHHHH,YEEEEAAAAHHHH!” like Macho Man Randy Savage? Was “beef stick” a subtle hint from the author to make us think of Slims Jims and read the line that way?
? Whenever the first FFF-named band releases their first album, I demand they name it “GIVE ME THE HARD FUCK.”
?  “AAAAOOOORRRRGGGGHHHH!”: Foghorn or choo choo noise?

And after the four newfound bisexual lovers had started moving
themselves harder and faster and kept on doing it until they had all
came and collapsed due to exhaustion,a curious Kelly had placed her hand
on Zack’s shoulder and her lips close to his ear and asked in a soft
voice,”How are feeling now,Zack?Felling any better?”,before he had taken
a look at his no-longer-stiff cock,let out a small smile and a sigh of
relief and answered,”Take a look and you tell me,Kelly.”,which had
caused all four of them to share a small chuckle between them before
they had snuggled themselves up to each other and fallen asleep with
their naked arms in a lover’s embrace.

Pointing out that Zack isn’t technically bisexual seems petty at this point, so I’ll merely point out that the author’s view of an erection as some kind of embarrassing problem is kind of disturbing. Remember this whole thing started because Zach’s erection was one of those secrets that every member of the entire human race on this very planet known as
Earth has that he or she would rather
keep from that person’s family and friends because of the total
embarressment that he or she would receive if that secret gets leaked
out somehow. Although since it led him to having an awesome foursome, I fail to see how any of this is embarrassing for Zack in the slightest. Frankly, the most embarrassing part is that the four of them seem to have fallen asleep together on the floor of the girls’ locker room showers.

Just then,as soon as Zack and the three Bayside High babes had stepped
into a local hangout known as The Max and noticed that both A.C. and
Screech were sitting at a table and arguing over how they should help
Zack with his condition,the now-cured Zack had looked at Kelly,Jessie
and Lisa with a small smile on his face and asked,”Well,Girls?What do
you think?Should we tell them that I’m okay now?”,only to have all three
give Zack’s suggestion some thought,look at him with a small smile on
each of their faces and answer,”Naaaahhhh!”

I’d run the exploding head pic again, but my head has exploded so many times reading this story my brain cells are just dust. The final breakdown:
 ? “So then the four of them fell asleep in the girls locker room. Just
then, they went to the local hangout!”
? See what I mean about the author’s very bizarre feelings about erections? Slater and Screech are so worried about it they’re still discussing solutions.
? Also, how fucked up is that? What “solution” Slater and Screech possibly come up with which wouldn’t include gay sex? I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but that’s a two-minute, yes or no conversation. What the fuck have they been talking about for two hours?
? “No, let’s let them think you still have an erection! Which is funny!
But is also incredibly shameful and embarrassing!”

Still, my favorite part of this entire story is this, from the intro:

This AU story is a birthday gift for Mark-Paul Gosselaar–who was born
on March 1st,1974.

I cannot tell you how much it delights me that 1) the author specifies this is an alternate universe Saved by the Bell erotic fan fiction — wouldn’t want anyone to get confused that it’s part of actual Saved by the Bell continuity — and 2) that’s it’s a present for Zack Morris himself, Mark-Paul Gosselaar. I know what I’m asking for for my birthday — I want you all to GIVE ME THE HARD FUCK.