Here’s How Michael Bay Will Be @#$%ing Up Transformers 3

?USA Today published a not-short article on Michael Bay and Transformers 3 yesterday. I suppose I could sift through the shit and give you the important bits from it, but that wouldn’t really convey what a fucking douchedozer Bay is, or his disdain for the Transformers movies he makes. So basically I’m going to reprint the entire article and add my comments, much like FFF. Hope you don’t mind.

The Transformers promise
they can change, baby.

With shooting underway on a third movie and plans
to debut next summer, Michael Bay and Co. acknowledge
missteps with the last one and aim to upgrade the shape-shifting robot
franchise with a more coherent story, less goofball humor and a pledge
that characters who die will stay dead. It will also be in 3-D.

Note that “less goofball humor,” despite the fact the parents have already been rehired. Obviously, I can’t prove that the movie won’t have a coherent plot until I see it, but I’d say odds are against it. Also, if characters can come back-to-life willy-nilly in the first two movie of a trilogy, the fact that they’re going to stay dead in the third movie still doesn’t have any emotional impact. You already broke that toy, Bay.

Revenge of the Fallen was the No. 2 movie
of 2009 (behind only Avatar), earning $836 million worldwide —
clearly very popular, though complaints from some moviegoers and a
negative fusillade from critics made the filmmakers take notice.

“I’ll take some of the criticism,” says Bay,
standing at a set built to resemble a dilapidated nuclear reactor. “It
was very hard to put (the sequel) together that quickly after the
writers’ strike (of 2007-08).”

So having the writers available and not on strike was a problem? Yeah, I bet.

Producer Lorenzo di
Bonaventura says the rush strained the plot: “We tried to do too
many things in the second movie, which didn’t give enough time in any
one of them. We were constantly jumping to the next piece of
information, the next place.”

Yes, information like Skids and Mudflap can’t read, and that Devastator has balls. That was the problem with Transformers 2 — there was just too to know! More after the jump.

Bay is not one for mea culpas, but he says he can
do better. “This one really builds to a final crescendo. It’s not three
multiple endings,” the director says.

If you understanding that having three endings in the same film is bad, why did you do it on TF2? It wasn’t exactly your first rodeo, asshole.

Bay calls the second film’s villain, The Fallen,
“kind of a (expletive) character.” The new movie’s foe is certain to
make fans of the original ’80s incarnation smile: Shockwave, the robot
cyclops-turned-laser-cannon, who became dictator of their home world of
Cybertron after the other Autobots and Decepticons journeyed to Earth.

So even Michael Bay thought the character of The Fallen was shit — and he used him anyway. He didn’t veto the character, or ask for a rewrite, or for anything to be fleshed out — he just made the fucking movie as is. Because Michael Bay does not care. If the Fallen was a shit character, that’s 100% on Bay, because he’s the fucking director. He’s the man in charge. He calls the shots. Now can anybody tell me why we should think Shockwave is going to be any different?

“One thing we’re getting rid of is what I call
the dorky comedy,” Bay adds. So the twins, the two bumbling,
slang-spewing robots? “They’re basically gone,” he says, though John Turturro returns
for comic relief.

“Basically.” Meaning they’re in the movie at least a little. Which means Bay says he’s getting rid of the “dorky comedy,” but we know for certain the movie will include: the Racist Twins, Sam’s bumbling parents, and John Turturro specifically for comic relief. Yeah, sounds like Bay is determined to make TF3 a more serious affair to me.

The new film features Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf)
taking his first tenuous steps into adulthood while remaining a
reluctant human ally of Optimus Prime. “Shia has this great line: ‘You
know, I’ve saved the world twice, but I can’t get a job,’ ” di
Bonaventura says.

THE ECONOMY!

Megan Fox, who played
Mikaela, was dropped just before shooting, so LaBeouf’s character also
has a new love interest, played by Victoria’s Secret
model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

“I love Megan and I miss the girl,” LaBeouf says,
flecked with fake blood and dirt during a break between shooting. “But
Sam and Mikaela became one character, and here … you have discovery
again from a new perspective.”

Translation: “Megan Fox managed to get out this shit-pile. Lucky bitch.”

Plot details are under wraps, but it delves into
the space race between the U.S.S.R. and the USA, suggesting there was a
hidden Transformers role in it all that remains one of the planet’s most
dangerous secrets. “The movie is more of a mystery,” Bay says. “It ties
in what we know as history growing up as kids with what really happened.”

Oh my fucking fuck. There’s going to be a Decepticon with a comically stupid Russian accent.

While Optimus Prime, Megatron and even Sam all
have died and been resurrected, di Bonaventura says this film will have
no do-overs: Die, and that’s it.

Again, you can’t just arbitrarily decide you’re changing the rules now and expect anyone to give a shit. Megatron and Optimus were resurrected with random macguffins, and Sam went to fucking Autobot heaven for what will be 66% of the Transformers movie trilogy. Kill off whoever you want, no one is going to be impressed. It’s not like Sam can’t find a few more flecks of the Matrix of Leadership in his sweatsock to resurrect whoever.

Bay hints that there may be a lot of that. “As a
trilogy, it really ends,” he says. “It could be rebooted again, but I
think it has a really killer ending.”

“Sure, Transformers 2 was a massive pile of shit. But despite the fact I’ve learned nothing from my mistakes and made no changes to the formula, I think Transformers 3 will be awesome.”