The mysterious Ninja have been covert mercenaries since the 14th century but the one place they have been easily found for the past 30 years is the toy aisle. Their dark arts, unique weapons and stealthily murderous ways have always appealed to children and man-children alike. While it's a staple of toylines to include a "Ninja Somebody," it's rare that these figures live up to the awesome potential of their namesakes; many times these figures are the crappiest of the lot. But sometimes, just sometimes, these ninja figures defy the odds and are totally badass, even though they're basically children's toys based on a historical league of merciless assassins. I mean, it's no wonder why kids love ninjas; it's weird that adults let kids have them.
So here's a quick look at both kinds of ninja figures -- the awesome and the not so awesome. It has to be a quick look because, you know. Ninjas. They're stealthy like that.
THE WORST:6) Science Ninja Team Gatchaman
Most children of the '80s would recognize these as G Force from
Battle of the Planets
but in Japan, they are "science ninjas", I'm not sure what that means
but it involves a bird costume, fighting she-males and being awesome.
Although Medicom made these 12-inch figures early in their career,
they're still the best versions of
Gatchaman kids. Note: even
though they dress like birds and occasionally carry yo-yos, they're
still much more ninja-like than those Naruto goofballs.
5) Ninja Stretch Armstrong
Originally introduced in the 1970s, Stretch Armstrong is one of those toys that refuse to erase itself from pop culture's consciousness. Essentially a bag of corn syrup, Cap Toys dressed him up in different guises to make you forget that his shtick can get kind of old quick. "Ninja" Stretch can't hold his weapons (he ain't got no fingers!) but at least that mask covers up that unsettling death mask grin he's got going on...
4) Ninja Shadow
1995's
The Shadow movie wasn't the blockbuster that Hollywood had hoped mostly because the character himself had almost been invisible to the public since Hitler died.
Kenner almost seemed to sense the impending apathy with a series of lazily made action figures culled mostly from other toylines. This figure is fun only if you pretend it's a weird version of Jack Donaghy from a line of
30 Rock action figures created by star Tracy Jordan.
3) Lothar
When Galoob dusted off the King Features characters for a new generation in the 1980s and created the
Defenders of the Universe line, the only one with strong recognition was Flash Gordon. Characters like Mandrake the Magician hadn't really been cool since, well, ever (did we mention this was his first action figure?). In order to hep up Mandrake's crime-fighting partner Lothar, they unwisely dubbed him the "Ninja from the Caribbean" which sounds like the coolest DJ name ever, but it's simply a tacked on title the character had no business with. They should have spent that precious time working on his partner Mandrake, who still looked like he's on his way to a kid's birthday party.
2) James Bond Jr. Ninja Gear
Toymakers have been especially skittish in marketing James Bond action figures for kids, most likely due to Bond's booze-fueled, casual sex-filled, happily misogynistic existence. Hasbro sought to remedy this with the kiddified atrocity
James Bond Jr. that centered around Bond's "nephew" (i.e., illegitimate kid). Here, Bond Jr. is dressed like a generic
Mortal Kombat character, the accepted ninja style of the '90s.
1) Ninja Gumby
If anything symbolizes the death knell of the ninja concept to toymakers, it's when fucking Art Clokey's Gumby grabbed a throwing star. How we were all spared a "Bob the Builder" in all black, I'll never know.
The list ain't over; the best ninja figures are on the nest page.
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