Fan Fiction Friday: Head Asplode Trifecta

By Rob Bricken in Movies, Nerdery, Video Games
Friday, August 13, 2010 at 1:59 pm
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Hello, boys and girls. I had every intention of doing a proper FFF installment this week. Really -- even though I'm moving to Washington DC this weekend (stay tuned for a drink-up in a few weeks, once I'm settled) I had time planned out, until someone decided they wanted to see TR HQ, and fucked everything up. The bad news is I can't do a proper FFF today, as it's 3am and I have to wake up at 7 and I want to die. The good news is that I won't leave you high and flaccid; instead, here's a trilogy of shorter pieces, offered without commentary, that I've been trying to find an excuse to run for awhile. Why am I calling it the Head Asplode trifecta? Well, read entry #1 and you tell me.
Winnie the Pooh was standing in the 100yard woods waiting for his friend Christopher Robin. The lights above him blinked and the moon was shining. Full as usual. It had been ever since the invasion of sex vampires.
Then he saw something strange. It was scary in a sort of odd, shiny way. It was definately not a heffalump. It was a sex vampire. Winnie the pooh froze in terror. This wasn't the way he had expected to lose his virginity.
The sex vampire landed before Winnie and stared him right into his eyes for then to speak;
"Let me introduce myself." the vampire spoke in a calm, yet distant voice. He was glistening with innuendo and syphillis.
"I am Edward Cullen and I am going to rape you 'till the cows come home"
Winnie the Pooh noticed that the fear was suddenly replaced by perplexion.
"Do you know when they are going to come home?" He asked, stuttering.
Edward's grin was now stretching to the point of explosion danger.
"Late enough." He said, unzipping his trousers.
That was the epic Winnie the Pooh/Twilight crossover "Winnie the Pooh and the Sex Vampires," written by Doomsday Jesus and brought to my attention by Tye Saya. If you don't think that was Head Asplode worthy, well, don't worry, I've got two more.

Entry #2 comes to us from Peter Chimaera (tipped by Peter H.) It's called "The Matrix Return" and it's not dirty -- well, at least I think it's not dirty. It's kind of hard to tell.

Neo was wake from sleeping and he shout at Trinity "Help you I think your dead"
"No I am not" she said and she gotted some water drink.
Morpheus walking into the bedroom "Good morning Neo we must kung fu"
So they trained the jiu jitsu and martia larts.
Neo kick him "Good job"

"Morpheus we got a distress signal it is from Niobe"
So they ran into the ship and they found Nioba and she was okay but there was a sentinal.
Neo punched it. His hand was hurting very badly.
"Neo you must be careful" Morphus said and shot the robot.
"Wait" Neo said and he downloaded how to kill the sentinels. But it was too late and cause the machines created a new matrix.
"No, we cannot our powers in the new matrix"
Then Neo disconnected but he was looked dead, and they all told Niobe the sad news.
"What happen in the first matrix" "They are all dead"

"tihs is too much" Morphus shotted quietly "help me fight to save this"
"i illh elp you" Trinity say with the cry she was sad cause thoughts neo was dead but it was matrix trick!
Neo try to say help but his body wads frozedn
"sOh no!" Merpheus say at teh radar screen "more matrix is attack us"
"we will have to jug in" Trinity hooked her up
Wehn they entared teh place was filled with Smiths because the matrix was curroopted with the matrix virus.
"I'll fight this 500" Morpus said and he sworded out his katana at great attack.
Trinity watch in amazing! "You are so good"
"What's this" Morpeud read a data becauz he was fight agents and make them run, but the data said some information!
"It say Neo is alife! We shuld wait go back to seak to him" and they tooks off by using phone interface.

Neo was okay they finds because of mediskel equipmont.
"The matrix is virused wso they cans not control the people any morR,. We arm not win yet but shall continue of the fight!"
They aggreed and formed for strewngth so they could fight the matrix one other day
"gentalmen the fight goes on" Neo said with fist and the crews cheered with new hope.

If you felt a disturbance while reading it, as if millions of voices of English teachers suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced... yeah, that's pretty natural. So let's see -- we've had an insane pairing and insane grammar, but I would be a nice person if I didn't post something with insane graphic sex, and I am not a nice person. This is a story about Silent Hill called "New Beginnings" by Mangogirl (thanks to Silent Orosco for the tip), although it's less about beginnings and more about people getting sodomized with a Hot Pocket.

The Pyramid Heads raped, raped, raped James and Maria and then raped them some more. The lusty fellows raped so long and so hard that they simply collapsed in the grimy hall when the sirens went off. When the brawny lads awoke some hours later, they discovered to their shock that they were bound and gagged in a very compromising position. Someone had stripped the fellows in their sleep, leaving their blotched undead rumps bare. They knelt in the dust of ... a bowling lane? Confused, the lads struggled to turn their heads. They caught a glimpse of a large and doughy desu before something was abruptly inserted into that wily ol' anus of Pyramid Head One's.

Pyramid Head One let out a mighty bellow of wrath, thrashing in his bonds. In his rumpus his helmet banged against his brother's, temporarily stunning the poor lad. While Pyramid Head Two knelt in a daze, the chunky shyster behind him manfully thrust something into the pyramid fellow's crusty man hole. The fellow resumed his struggles. The heat of the two Pyramid Head lads acted upon the foreign objects lodged 'twixt their pert buttocks. Just as the ropes binding them began to fray, the stiff intruders had cooked and shot forth from the anuses with a rude POP! The Pyramid fellows surged to their feet, furious.

Their tormentor stood before them in all his swarthy oiliness. He clutched a pizza-flavored Hot Pocket in each fist. The tasty pizza treats steamed in the dank air of the bowling alley, their flaky pastry sides coated in bits of decaying flesh and rancid zombie shit.

"How can you just sit there... eating pizza?" A familiar voice rang out, distracting the fellows. It was their ol' fuckbuddy, James! But they had some business to take care of first. The veiny fellows leapt 'pon the fatman, wrenching the Hot Pockets from his grasp and flinging them asunder. Eddie let out a mournful cry as his hard-earned treats were destroyed. Oily tears welled in his eyes. The lusty lads felt not a whit of pity for the porker. One of them plunged its massive, filthy cock into that anus of Ed-san's as the other forced the retarded desu's face down onto the tip of its monster meat pole. Those greasy ol' tears of Eddie's made a delightful sensation 'pon the Pyramid fellow's cock as it skullfucked the retard's brain into thick n' chunky soup.

The fellows were so occupied with banging the retard that they spared James not a glance. The seedy blond lad was upset. He muttered vengefully, stroking his modest 5.4 inches. "I know why I needed you... to fuck me with your huge veiny penises." His own personal tormentors did not seem to hear him. James grunted angrily, tugging away at his own slender pink dick. They had used his anus so masterfully just last night, and now they spared him not a whit of their loving. Well, James would not stand for it, nay he would not. The blond lad strode forward as the lusty fellows finished their bang of Eddie's corpse, spilling several liters of their noxious clotted jizz into the fellow's ravaged eye socket and the gaping, bloody hole that once was his anus. The scent of the jizz made James' flagging cock perk with interest. It smelled of rotting ham and gasoline and old, milky, fermented pears. The pyramid fellows dropped the corpse and surveyed James with interest.

They moved swiftly, snatching the blond lad up in their powerful arms. He was held suspended between them, taut buttocks poised above one throbbing undead cock and mouth before another. "Punish me for my siiiiiiins," James moaned lustily, fluttering his eyelashes up at the Pyramid Head that stood in front of his face. The fellow grunted eagerly and shoved its massive penis into James' waiting mouth. James' teeth scraped over the ridges of scar tissue and pulsating veins, drawing thin bitter blood. The beast growled and shoved its member deeper into James' throat. Acrid precum drooled from the monster's cock, making James gag. His bitter vomit only served as further lubrication, and soon the monster was thrusting into James' vomit, blood, and cum caked face with great gusto.

That anus of James' was puffy and pink from last night's loving. The creature behind James wasted no time in plunging its mighty wood into the fellow's bum. It thrust furiously, bringing up great clots of blood and shit as it pounded away at the tender lad. James squealed around the cock in his mouth, thrashing in agony. In his pain the blonde's bowels loosened, sending a flood of gritty, watery dark diarrhea to coat the Pyramid Head at his rear. The liquid shit splashed out, slicking the pyramid fellow's giant cock and painting his crotch and already-filthy abdomen in a lovely mahogany brown. The fellows took their time in cumming, pounding at poor James until his struggles weakened and the hot hot fuck session grew boring. A veritable flood of thick, curdled cum splashed into James' ravaged bowels and raw throat, prompting him to shit and vomit one last time. As the brawny shysters pulled free of those love-holes of James', a stew of foul and chunky bodily fluids dribbled and splattered freely from James' abused orifices. He slumped to the floor, groaning in pain and unquenchable lust.

The fellows looked thoughtfully at James. They were still horny lil' buggers, but if they raped James again so soon he would just whine and grumble. They were considering going after Maria or maybe that saucy lil' chan Laura while they waited for James to recover when the door to the bowling alley jingled open. The brawny lads turned, snarling. A man stood in the door, a baffled and anxious-looking man. The Pyramid Heads turned and shambled towards their new prey, cocks standing proud and stiff before them. The mighty penises pointed unerringly towards the bewildered desu at the door, dowsing rods seeking a hot n' lusty hole to sink into.

"Huh? What's going on?" Harry asked as the Pyramid Heads bore down on him.

You know what's even more disgusting than the graphic rape? The author's use of Japanese honorifics. It's annoying when English speakers do this in general -- unless they're actually speaking Japanese, of course -- but to use it in your horrible rape fiction should be a fucking Hate Crime. Because I hate it so, so much. At least I'll never want to eat a Hot Pocket again, so at least that's something.

Guys and gals, again, my apologies for another weird FFF, but unless something insane happens, I should be in my new TR HQ with plenty of time for a real FFF installment next Friday. I already have it picked out, I just want the time to do it justice.

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