Fan Fiction Friday: Elmo in "Lessons Learned on Sesame Street"

By Rob Bricken in Nerdery, TV
Friday, September 24, 2010 at 2:00 pm
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Way, way back when I posted that horrible AT&T commercial fan fic, "Saving Minutes Saves Money," I noted how badly I felt for the actors. They didn't sign up to be in some horrible rape/snuff fiction. They're just people doing a job, likely for a single day -- they're aren't portraying beloved characters or working on hit shows or movies. They shouldn't have to deal with fan fic of themselves sodomizing each other.

I'd like to take this a step further and propose that if you work on Sesame Street, it should be against the law to have erotic fan fic written about you. You're devoting your life to educating and entertaining children, and people who try and twist that into something evil and awful should go to jail. Like The Carmel Hump, for this story:
It was a warm day on Sesame Street. "A little too warm," thought Maria as she lay in bed, letting the morning light play upon her waking body. The sunlight from the half opened window had focused a narrow beam on her pussy and the itch from the heat made her rub the thin white cotton covering it. She began to massage her vagina more intently when she came to her senses. Today was the sort of day to get things done and the flowers on the front porch needed watering, so reluctantly she got out of bed ready to face it. She stood at the mirror and took inventory of herself. She still looked pretty, even after having children. Her breasts pointed out from Luís' t-shirt and she had a nice round curve to her body. Satisfied she pulled on her cutoff shorts and headed out the door and outside.

Maria was glad she'd worn something cool as she grabbed a watering can and began to water the first of the plants that lined the front porch of her apartment building. She leaned over to reach the lower pots when she noticed some heavy breathing coming from somewhere nearby. Looking up in the direction of the noise she noticed some bright red fur in one of the second story windows. It had to be Elmo! For years now Elmo had been telling everyone that he was three years old. Yeah right. She had long since theorized that Elmo was either much older and just faking it, or that he had some sort of infantilism fetish. She had to test out her theory. Pretending she hadn't noticed, she again bent way over, allowing the oversized t-shirt she was wearing to hang down fully exposing her firm breasts to little red monster. Maria heard a soft high pitched "ooooohhhh......" from window above.
Alas poor Sonia Manzano, who's nobly played Maria since 1971, my heart bleeds for you. Elmo... not so much. You deserve whatever shit you get since you nudged my man Grover off the Street. J is for hitting the Jump.


He was faking it! She began to formulate a plan that would teach him a lesson once and for all. She turned around and bent over, sticking her ass in the air and presented her crotch to him which, due to the tightness of her old shorts, actually caused the sides of her pussy lips to peek out. Knowing what this would do the little pervert she quickly turned around caught him off guard.
P is for Pussy Lips
"Elmo, were you staring at me just now as I was watering the flowers?"

"No Maria, Elmo wasn't staring at you. Elmo was just looking at all the pretty flowers."

"Are you sure Elmo? I could have sworn you were staring at my breasts when I bent down a few minutes ago."

"Maria! Elmo wouldn't do such a thing. Ha ha, Elmo is only three years old after all."
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"Okay Elmo, I have to do some more watering so I'll talk to you later."

"Bye bye, Maria. Have a nice day!"

Maria turned her attention back to the job at hand, waiting patiently for Elmo to come down. Sure enough, he soon opened the door to the front stoop and headed for the street.

"Bye Maria, Elmo has a play date with Telly. See you later!"

She seized Elmo by the arm. "Come with me please," said a very stern Maria. She quickly pulled him back into the apartment building, through the entrance into 2a, and into her bedroom where she set him on the bed. "Lay down Elmo." She had a no-nonsense tone of voice so he complied immediately. Rummaging around her closet she found what she was looking for. Over the years she had done quite a bit of babysitting for the neighborhood kids, and as such she usually kept some supplies on hand. Pulling out the item in question she walked back over to the bed and held up a diaper.

"Elmo, if you're going to act like a baby then I'll just have to treat you like a baby."

She grabbed Elmo by the ankles in one hand and placed the diaper under his bottom.

"Maria, Elmo doesn't need a diaper. Elmo can use the potty!"
Not a great band name, but in terms of Things You Can Say to Instantly Kill the Mood, "Elmo can use the potty!" has to be in the top 20. Top 10 if you say it in the Elmo voice.
As Maria walked around the side of the bed and bent down to grab something from under the bed, she once again gave him an unobstructed titty shot. When she walked back to the foot of the bed she noticed that sure enough, the tip of Elmo's penis was peeking out of its furry sheath. Pulling out a bottle of lotion she began rub all around his diaper area, concentrating on his growing penis.
Top 50: Referring to your crotch as your "diaper area."
"Maria shouldn't touch Elmo there. That's a private place."
What do Muppets show authority figures where they've been touched on?
"Shhhhhh, just lay back and relax Elmo. Mommy needs rub lotion on baby so he doesn't get a rash."
Girls, feel free to say "Mommy needs rub lotion on baby" and see how long your man stay erect. If it's more than 10 seconds, get a new man. And possibly call the police.
Elmo's penis was rock hard now and had grown enough for Maria to wrap her hand around it and was masturbating it almost exclusively. Elmo began to hump Maria's fist soon felt his penis twitch as he began to spurt huge loads of cum up in the air. Try as she might, some semen landed on Elmo's fur. She took a rag and wiped it off, and by the time she was done, his cock had slipped inside its sheath and disappeared. Elmo had no time to recover as Maria expertly finished diapering him and before he knew it he was hoisted to his feet, led out of the apartment, and back onto the front stoop.
If you can imagine Elmo, the Muppet, humping the fist that's jerking him off with guzzling straight bourbon... well, you're a better person than me.
Elmo stood there stunned. Minutes before he had been masturbated against his will and diapered like a baby, and now here he stood for all of Sesame Street to see, wearing a diaper. (At least it didn't have his picture on it).
Well, we've all been there.
Now for Part 2 of her plan, thought Maria.

"What's wrong Elmo, you don't look very well?" Maria reached up and felt his forehead.

"You feel warm Elmo. I think we'd better take your temperature."

She grabbed him by the waist, laid him face down across her lap and lowered his diaper to his knees. Elmo hadn't noticed that before she left the apartment she had grabbed her old rectal thermometer and a jar of Vaseline, though he soon realized what was about to happen as she gave the glass instrument several quick shakes and dipped it into the greasy jar.

"Now lay still Elmo. Mommy needs take baby's temperature and she doesn't want him to bite it. If you move too much Mommy will have to take it out and start all over again."

"Maria, Elmo is a big boy. He doesn't......."

Elmo didn't finish his sentence as he felt Maria locate his rectum and slowly insert the glass thermometer deep into his bottom.
Somewhere, Grover is cackling in glee.
He grunted as the round bulb was seated into place and he settled into a quiet shame as he was subjected to having his rectal temperature taken publicly along the Main Street of Sesame Street. To make matters worse, Elmo had tried to adjust himself, and Maria in response had placed a firm hand on his back and another on his bottom with the thermometer between her fingers to keep it from slipping out.
If you ever have a plan, and it involves sticking a rectal thermometer in -- well, anybody really, but anyone over the age three in general and a muppet in specific -- you have fucked up your life beyond belief.
Maria counted off a full five minutes to get an accurate reading and was about to pull the thermometer out when Emily and Sarah walked by. Seeing Elmo across Maria's lap, wearing a diaper, with a thermometer sticking out of his bottom, the girls stopped dead in their tracks and stared wide-eyed.
I absolutely refuse to look this up, so moms, please correct me if I'm wrong. But I sincerely doubt it takes five minutes to get an accurate temperature reading from a baby's rectum, otherwise it wouldn't be a viable method of gauging babies' temperatures.

Oh. Oh god.

I hate that FFF has forced me to think about this. And I hate even more the fact that I'm hoping the dude got it wrong, because if this guy has accurate knowledge about how to take babies' temperatures through their rectums, this world is infinitely worse than I had ever let myself consider.
"Maria, what are you doing?" asked Sarah, the younger of the two.

"Hi girls! Elmo felt hot so I'm taking his temperature to make sure he doesn't have a fever."

Maria slowly withdrew the thermometer from Elmo's bottom and held it up take the reading. (A degree higher than normal, which she attributed to his sexual arousal over the last hour.) She realized that now would be the perfect opportunity to really drive the point home to Elmo. Emily, 12, and Sarah, 11, were best friends and had asked Maria last week if she could train them for babysitting the following summer. Time for their first lesson.
When you're grateful the characters' age are at least in double-digits, you know you're reading FFF!
"I know you girls had wanted to start babysitting this summer and had come to me for some tips. I think now would be a good time to learn how to take a baby's temperature. Sometimes, when a baby is too young, they may not be able to keep the thermometer in their mouths or they may try to bite it. When that is the case, you need to know how to take their temperature in their bottom."

She spoke in a motherly and kindly instructive way, and the girls took in every word.

"Why don't you girls sit next to me you can practice on Elmo?"

Both girls quickly took their places beside her on the stoop.

"Elmo, why don't you stand up and lay over Sarah's lap."

As Elmo stood up, his penis was fully erect again and they girls had their first view of a hard penis.
And they would erroneously believe that all penises were made of red felt for the next several years.
"Don't be embarrassed girls, that's just Elmo's penis. Sometimes when boys have their temperatures taken, their penises get hard. This is perfectly natural and you shouldn't be surprised if this happens, it will go down eventually."
Sadly, terrifyingly, the author has done some research on baby erections. I only pray that it was online.
Elmo walked around while the girls spaced out a bit. He lowered himself onto Sarah's lap and in the process caused her dress to ride up exposing her knees. Maria handed her the thermometer and with a little instruction Elmo found himself once again having the cool glass tube being inserted deep into his furry bottom. Elmo's arousal became more intense and his penis extended even further. His penis was so hard in fact that as he adjusted himself down upon her it made contact with the crease behind her right knee. Since monster penises excreted lubrication from the tip down to the shaft he found it easy to penetrate that cleft and plunge inside. Sarah felt this movement and it felt strange a curious. It tickled a little, and she noticed that his bottom made little up and down movements that matched the tickles. She didn't know why, but she felt a different kind of tickle between her legs, more like itch, and she suddenly wanted to rub her vagina to relieve it. Then she felt something else, like little squirts of something, and that something was running down her leg.
Hump My Knee and Ejaculate on My Leg Elmo didn't sell nearly as well as Tickle Me Elmo.
"Sarah, time is up, you may remove the thermometer."

Elmo stood up and she was able to see the pink tip of his penis disappear inside himself. She then inspected her leg. There was a creamy liquid there, and it smelled funny. When Maria turned her head for a moment she put a tiny bit on her finger and tasted it. It tasted sweet, very sweet, like icing. (Little did she know that monster semen evolved to taste exactly like icing to entice humans into sexual activity.)
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Please note: I'm not giving this a Toht for the actual idea of Sesame Street Muppet monsters evolving to have flavored cum, but for the fact that someone actually conceived such an idea, and then wrote it down. The fact that the author felt it was necessary to have Elmo's semen taste good, and that is was necessary to have a reason for that, makes me want to lobotomize myself.

I think I need a minute. Let's continue this nightmare after the jump.

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