The 10 Coolest G.I. Joe Ninjas

By Ethan Kaye in Daily Lists, Toys
Tuesday, September 14, 2010 at 8:05 am
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Sorry, G.I. Joe fans, I hate to be the one who breaks it to you, but G.I. Joe is not based on the real US military. I know, I know, you should probably sit down and let that sink in. The military doesn't use laser-powered side arms, doesn't promote use of neon-colored uniforms, and doesn't fight robots all that often.

It also doesn't hire ninjas, although that would be incredibly awesome, and they totally should. In the government's defense, you can't just post an ad on Craigslist asking for ninjas -- hell, if someone came up to you and said, "I'm a ninja, hire me," it's almost certain he's not a ninja, or at least not a very good one. Ninja don't advertise. Thank goodness the Joes and Cobras have managed to have more than their share of ninjas on their payroll - and here's the 10 best!

10) Black Dragon Ninja
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In the Joe universe, there are Black Dragon Ninjas and Red Ninja Vipers. If I felt like making this an 11 item list, the Red Ninjas would be 11th, but far after the Black Dragons. Why? Because the Black Dragons are all about espionage, just like the real ninjas in Japan and the Red Ninjas are just foot soldiers in pajamas. Ninja skills are best used for subterfuge and assassination, not charging up at guys with laser guns.

9) Ninja Viper
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Well, if you're going to start a naming system for your troops that's basically [badass adjective] Viper, Ninja Viper is a must-have. And these guys are pretty badass. They're used sparingly, not like cannon fodder, and they're studying new martial arts moves all the time to enhance their skills. Sure, turquoise is a lousy color, but they probably do some awesome work against colorblind foes.

8) Shadow Strike
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How badass is this guy? He once infiltrated the elite Arashikage ninja clan just so he could fuck with it! It's like going to college just to party. His goal was to bring down the whole clan, not for any personal reason other than Cobra Commander asking him if he would. Sadly, he's only had one figure and isn't much of a name in the G.I. Joe world, possibly because he has freakishly long thighs.

7) Tiger Claw
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This guy oozes the "don't fuck with me" vibe, from his tiger paw print gi to his big belt, which is essentially saying, "My dong is monstrous, and if you fuck with me or the rest of the Joes, I will beat you to death with it, then take my black dong power home to your woman, where she will be satisfied in ways you can't even imagine, even if you had read a book about nasty sex. And we'll do it in front of your wedding picture, which she will then tilt downwards so the picture of you two isn't visible."

6) T'Gin-Zu
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Yeah, it's kind of silly, but I like the name. Yep, they named him after the knife that can slice a can, then slice a tomato. What that proves is beyond me, since you can slice a tomato with almost anything. A piece of paper can slice a tomato. Anyway, he's one of G.I. Joe's resident ninjas, who drives the battering ram/gun the Pile Driver. How awesome would it be to see this massive hunk of machine coming down on you and the driver is a fuckin' ninja? It's like going into battle and seeing your opponent is Dracula wielding the Sword of Omens while riding a shark with The Undertaker's face.

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