10 Celebrity Action Figures We'll Have to Make Do With

By Jesse Thompson in Daily Lists, Toys
Friday, April 29, 2011 at 8:02 am
5) Winona Ryder... as Call from Alien Resurrection
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Before you cry foul, YES, we realize that we counted Bobcat Goldthwait's cartoon counterpart as an actual Bobcat Goldthwait figure, and we haven't done the same for Winona Ryder even though there was an animated Lydia Deetz PVC toy offered as part of a Burger King Beetlejuice cartoon promotion. We just think that's way more of stretch to call it a Winona Ryder figure, that's all. Meaning the only action figure representation of America's most adorable clothing thief is that of Call from Kenner's 1997 Alien Resurrection line. And it is... not flattering in the least, unless you'd call "Elijah Wood in pink lipstick" flattering. (Ladies? Would you?) Winona got off easier than the ugly single-figure treatment that Laura Linney (Congo), Denise Richards (Starship Troopers) and Elisha Cuthbert (24 Mini-Mates) have been saddled with, but here's hoping NECA decides to add a Kim Boggs to their Edward Scissorhands line. Just not the old-age makeup version, please.

4) The Multi-Millionaire Man-Children, a.k.a. Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn
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They're all buddies in real life and have appeared in each others' movies, but even the combined box-office clout of Frat Packers Sandler, Stiller and Vaughn has resulted in just a couple of figures. Hard as it may be to believe, there are only two Adam Sandler figures out there, and they're both from McFarlane Toys' astoundingly ill-conceived Little Nicky line. (X-Toys planned to make an Operaman figure in a second wave of Saturday Night Live 25th anniversary figures that never materialized.) Stiller saw his mug slapped on a Mr. Furious figure in Playing Mantis' Mystery Men line, which of course was yet another flick no one could bring themselves to pay for. Vaughn may have had better luck at the box office a few years earlier thanks to The Lost World, but as his Nick Van Owen figure serves to remind us, "skinny Vince Vaughn" is just as extinct as an ankylosaurus. Even with just a crappy Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back inaction figure and an Elf bobblehead to his credit, we imagine Will Ferrell's still having the last laugh.

3) Morgan Freeman... as Azeem from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
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Despite high-profile roles in comic adaptations like Red, Wanted and Christopher Nolan's Bat-flicks, authoritative old fart Morgan Freeman has been visited by the Action Figure Fairy but once. Granted, Prince of Thieves is arguably the only flick where Freeman has actively been a badass, handily disposing of all manner of degenerates with that scimitar. (Though he was certainly no less imposing in Street Smart, as Christopher Reeve looks like he's about to shit his pants every time Freeman comes around.) But having Freeman in an action-figure line that also boasts the world's only Christian Slater toy is just cruel. So, toy companies, the onus is on you...we'll take the dogged detective from Se7en, the dogged loyal best friend in Unforgiven, or the other dogged loyal best friend who inexplicably reads CrossGen comics in Million Dollar Baby.

2) George Carlin... as Rufus from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
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While there may not be much of a demand for toy versions of stand-up comics who revolutionized the field, we're still happy to have this goofy keyboard-playing Rufus. (Why doesn't he come with a guitar, though? Rufus could shred!) Carlin himself probably got a kick out of his presence in Kay-Bees across the country as well, no doubt fully aware of the inherent ridiculousness of kids playing with the plastic version of the guy made famous for the controversy that erupted over his "Seven Dirty Words" routine. Or maybe he just saw it as yet another sign of humanity's imminent self-destruction. Or, like us, maybe he realized the inherent ridiculousness of being included in a line of toys that also had what will likely be the only Al Leong figure to be mass-produced. Genghis Khan, you are keeping mighty fine company, my friend.

1) Jean-Claude Van Damme... as Col. Guile in Street Fighter
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Rarely has there been an action star as action-figure ready as the Muscles from Brussels. And yet, there seems to be only one official toy bearing any sort of passing resemblance to the guy. One with blond hair, at that. From one of the worst movies ever made. Hell, I had to double-check this multiple times, as I'd convinced myself that part of his amazing soliloquy in JCVD involved him talking about repeatedly becoming an action figure to please his audience. But there's only been this 12-inch Col. Guile doll from 1994's ill-fated Street Fighter live-action movie, which featured no fighting in the streets. (Sadly, it's not a talking doll that endlessly repeats Van Damme's hilarious delivery of the line, "It's equipped with the latest in stealth technology." Add the movie to your Netflix queue just for that.) So, to conclude, Chuck Norris gets a merchandising blowout for the incorrectly spelled Karate Kommandos, but the star of Cyborg, Kickboxer, Universal Soldier and Timecop gets a hand-me-down G.I. Joe mold and accessories. Oh well. At least he got to party with Hammer and Deion Sanders...

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