10 Uselessly Specific Members of G.I. Joe

By Brett White in Daily Lists, Toys
Thursday, May 12, 2011 at 7:59 am
5) Taurus
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Taurus was a member of Sgt. Slaughter's Renegades and a former circus acrobat. Taurus never received any military training and according to his filecard, can open bottles with his nostrils. I don't know which is the least useful: a Joe who can only fight if it involves a trapeze-like structure nearby or a Joe whose main selling point is doing drunk frat boy tricks. Luckily I don't have to decide because both describe this guy.

4) Captain Grid-Iron
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There is never a time when football metaphors on the battlefield are welcome, and you know that a quarterback-turned-Joe who calls himself Captain Grid-Iron is full of them. He even wears a modified football helmet into battle. Here's the best part -- Grid-Iron doesn't even have a specialty, he's just a guy who likes football a lot. So unless Cobra brainwashes the Indianapolis Colts and the Joes desperately need someone to infiltrate their ranks disguised as Peyton Manning, Captain Grid-Iron is going to keep the bench warm.

3) Pathfinder
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If there's one thing that can easily stop the country's premiere freedom fighting force, it's really tall grass. Like, really tall grass. Like up to your waist tall. Like rural West Virginia, covering up an El Camino and a discarded high chair tall. Pathfinder can cut through it with his lawnmower blade mounted on a really long pole. You could call him a glorified lawn mower, but he prefers the title Jungle Assault Specialist. Don't pity his super specific profession because plenty of housewives cheat on their husbands with their jungle assault specialists.

2) Clean-Sweep
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Most of these useless Joes' filecards throw in a caveat about them being super tough or a trained marksman or addicted to heavy metal, but not Clean-Sweep. Nope, he's the toxic sludge clean up guy, through and through, who maintains perimeter security after setting his clean-up tools on autopilot. He doesn't even do the cleaning himself; he sets his "sludge detector-analyzer computer" on autopilot! And then he keeps watch! He's the G.I. Joe equivalent of the guy that follows horses in a parade.

1) Bullhorn
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Bullhorn is named such because he uses a bullhorn in his capacity as the Joe's intervention specialist. Because when a snake-obsessed international terrorist group with ties to an ancient race of Himalayan python people plant explosives on the Statue of Liberty for reasons that can be summed up with the phrase "jus' cause," what you really want to do to disarm the situation is talk it out. I have a feeling Bullhorn doesn't use his namesake on the battlefield as much as he uses it to impersonate Darth Vader.

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