That's why we're for the most part steering clear of ridiculous "Chuck Norris facts" here, focusing instead on Chuck Norris FACTS... namely, the 10 most mind-blowing products the now 71-year-old (!!!) potential Expendables 2 scene-stealer has ever seen fit to endorse. And if this list is to serve any purpose, we hope it convinces that one wacky uncle to stop buying the latest Chuck Norris Facts book for your birthday every year.
10) Top Dog
In 1995, Chuck took a cue from Burt Reynolds and attempted to make the transition from "star of crappy CBS series" to "re-crowned box office king" thanks to a family-friendly pseudo-comedy. But whereas two years earlier Evening Shade star Burt had had his first decent big-screen showing in a decade thanks to Cop and a Half, Chuck playing second banana to an oily Briard in Top Dog came and went from theaters faster than grass passing through the mutt's digestive tract. Once again proving he has no aversion to blatant ripoffs, Chuck, along with his director brother Aaron (who will surface again on this list), thought the world needed yet another "socially inept cop teams with sly canine" riff. The one thing this flick DOES have going for it is its surprisingly graphic violence and hitmen dressed as clowns, not to mention bad guys who aren't jewel thieves nor black-market pet smugglers, but Neo-Nazis. Perfect for the kids!
9) The Total Gym
We can't blame Chuck for wanting to hang out with a GILF like Christie Brinkley, but in the onslaught of infomercials where he's actively promoting the Total Gym, he gets obviously winded after spending a mere five seconds on the damn thing. Rule No. 1 for Chuck Norris: Never endorse anything that emphasizes your mortality. We realize the guy was in his 60s when he first started shilling for the home workout contraption, and we hope we're in half the decent shape he's in when we reach half of his age, but we can see why Chuck took on a smaller sales-pitchy role and let new T.G. enthusiast Wesley Snipes do most of the heavy lifting in the more recent ads. Still, it's gotta smart to watch Blade and even friggin' Steve Guttenberg perform so much better and make the ladies swoon.
8) The Official Chuck Norris Flexmark Booklight
7) The Justice Riders
6) That World Net Daily Column
We won't get into Chuck's rather off-putting political or religious viewpoints here (we'll save that for all you level-headed and informed types in the comments section), but if you go to his weekly column for the conservative website WorldNetDaily.com expecting tips for achieving the perfect roundhouse kick or memories of Louis Gossett Jr. blowing milk out of his nose on the set of Firewalker, you'll be sorely disappointed. However, if things like the "Top 10 U.S. Shariah infiltrations" and ruminations on why Wall Street Republicans and conservative Republicans just can't get along are your bag, have at it. Our theory as to why the Republicans can't get along? The Wall Street set actually prefers Missing in Action 2 to the original. Blasphemy!