 |
That's why we're for the most part steering clear of ridiculous "Chuck Norris facts" here, focusing instead on Chuck Norris FACTS... namely, the 10 most mind-blowing products the now 71-year-old (!!!) potential Expendables 2 scene-stealer has ever seen fit to endorse. And if this list is to serve any purpose, we hope it convinces that one wacky uncle to stop buying the latest Chuck Norris Facts book for your birthday every year.
10) Top Dog
In 1995, Chuck took a cue from Burt Reynolds and attempted to make the transition from "star of crappy CBS series" to "re-crowned box office king" thanks to a family-friendly pseudo-comedy. But whereas two years earlier Evening Shade star Burt had had his first decent big-screen showing in a decade thanks to Cop and a Half, Chuck playing second banana to an oily Briard in Top Dog came and went from theaters faster than grass passing through the mutt's digestive tract. Once again proving he has no aversion to blatant ripoffs, Chuck, along with his director brother Aaron (who will surface again on this list), thought the world needed yet another "socially inept cop teams with sly canine" riff. The one thing this flick DOES have going for it is its surprisingly graphic violence and hitmen dressed as clowns, not to mention bad guys who aren't jewel thieves nor black-market pet smugglers, but Neo-Nazis. Perfect for the kids!
9) The Total Gym
We can't blame Chuck for wanting to hang out with a GILF like Christie Brinkley, but in the onslaught of infomercials where he's actively promoting the Total Gym, he gets obviously winded after spending a mere five seconds on the damn thing. Rule No. 1 for Chuck Norris: Never endorse anything that emphasizes your mortality. We realize the guy was in his 60s when he first started shilling for the home workout contraption, and we hope we're in half the decent shape he's in when we reach half of his age, but we can see why Chuck took on a smaller sales-pitchy role and let new T.G. enthusiast Wesley Snipes do most of the heavy lifting in the more recent ads. Still, it's gotta smart to watch Blade and even friggin' Steve Guttenberg perform so much better and make the ladies swoon.
8) The Official Chuck Norris Flexmark Booklight
 |
7) The Justice Riders
 |
6) That World Net Daily Column
We won't get into Chuck's rather off-putting political or religious viewpoints here (we'll save that for all you level-headed and informed types in the comments section), but if you go to his weekly column for the conservative website WorldNetDaily.com expecting tips for achieving the perfect roundhouse kick or memories of Louis Gossett Jr. blowing milk out of his nose on the set of Firewalker, you'll be sorely disappointed. However, if things like the "Top 10 U.S. Shariah infiltrations" and ruminations on why Wall Street Republicans and conservative Republicans just can't get along are your bag, have at it. Our theory as to why the Republicans can't get along? The Wall Street set actually prefers Missing in Action 2 to the original. Blasphemy!
1 | 2 | Next Page >>
More links from around the web!
213 comments
1 Like
In his day, Norris was a great entertainer. I'll never forget him in Lone Wolf McQuade when he is buried in his Bronco and he dumps a beer on his head, and he and his Blazer roar up out of the ground. It was cool and he was cool in his many many movies.
Everyone gets old and everyone loses their looks to some degree or the other. Make fun of him now, because when you are 71, you probably won't look as good, will never have had his talent in both martial arts and acting and no one would want you to endorse anything. At least he will have a secure retirement. I'd put my name on a vacuum cleaner or whatever if it mean a million.
I don't know and don't care about his personal life and views. I like the actor, not the man.
He ain't a hunk any longer. And he'd better be shaving or lasering all that dog hair ! Bwaaahahahahah
You should have stopped right there (A smart man and a good leader knows when to cut his losses and run.)
I am laughing more than ever. All you internet cowards, especially Jack Faust have vanished. No one has answered a direct question, attempted to prove anything I have said is not true, and especially, no one wants to say their dumb insults to my face.
Does anyone wonder why all of this is true? Yes, that was a rhetorical question. The answer is obvious to even the least intelligence, like Mr. Faust.
I agree. Support of that religious reich fool was one of the worst mistakes Chuck Norris has ever made. I concede that he is sincere in his beliefs but misguided. Let's face it, the facts do not support either his religious or political beliefs. But the two are tied together.
1 Like
FYI, I owned a Total Gym for years and it is every bit as good as claimed. But it's like any other piece of equipment. You have to use it for it to work.
Yes, CN turned 72 in March of 2012. He's in better physical condition today than you've ever been in your life. For that matter, so am I.
Yes, someone as determined to be as obnoxious and ignorant as you is unlikely to live to any advanced age. FYI, either Chuck Norris or myself can kick your ass today, tomorrow, or any day you want to try.
You might want to keep in mind that Chuck Norris never made a movie that didn't show a profit. How many other people can say that?
Having owned these jeans and worn them for years, I can state they are comfortable, fit very well and don't look weird. It's due to the triangular panel set in the inseam and the fact that they are somewhat stretchy.
Yeah ... Onokamo means what you might ... it really doesn't work for the thing ... "What you might fender blade"? WTF???
Thanks for making such a cool post which is really very well written.Keep blogging.Bol Apartments
1 Like
If you can't say something nice, keep your darn mouth shut! You sound like you are just jealous that he made the money by endosing these things and you didn't! It is no worse than Joe Namath wearing pantyhose so shut up. Chuck Norris is the greatest martial arts star and actor that ever lived!!
I agree about being a great martial artist, he was world champion 6 years in a row. Even he would have to admit his acting was far from the best.
I laugh when people comment about "Firewalker" and say he was learning to act. It's the only film where he did not acting at all. The smiling, happy character there was the CHuck Norris I know and admire. All the other films with roles like the "Colonel Braddock" character were acting. Not real good acting, but totally unlike the real Chuck Norris.
1 Like
Chuck Norris envy. The writer must stay at the keyboard to avoid the gym. What to do? Mock fitness folk. The superiority gained that way is easier than sweating in a stinky old gym. It is easier to mock others than improve yourself.
Google+ is not successful because Chuck Norris owns Mark Zuckerberg; but if he did own Google Plus Socializer:)))?
1 Like
At least Chuck has given the world something unlike the writer who seems to be a little upset by other people's success.Go Chuck, love your work.
I will add to another comment that the Total Gym is actually an excellent home gym, and will certainly serve the needs of most who wish to engage in safe, efficient strengthening and toning exercises. As for Chuck's being "winded" after a few minutes on the thing, has it not occurred to the writer that this is intended by the producers of the of the infomercial? After all, if karate champion Chuck Norris can be seen to be breathing hard after doing a few exercises on the gym, it demonstrates to the viewer at home that the machine is not "easy" but can offer them a challenging and productive workout too. Whether this is "acting" by Chuck or whether it is genuine is immaterial: I own and use a Total Gym and I DO get winded after a challenging workout on it, and it does build strength and muscle. Would be body builders might prefer free weights, but most exercisers are not would be body builders, and body building as an end in itself is a very different endeavor than is exercising to increase functional strength and flexibility.
Worst thing Chuck Norris ever attached his name to?Mike Huckabee's Presidential campaign.Nothing on your list is anywhere near as depressing or soul-destroying as that.
When I was a kid all the comic books had ads for Chuck Norris Action Jeans, too cool to see it make the list.
In case no one said it, at best "onokamo" means "maybe axe." I think that actually describes that shit quite well.
True fact: Rowdy Roddy Piper used spend his free time hanging out in a K-Mart Diner in a mystery location. This was post-wrestling and pre-mild-internet-fames. He got on the road to new fame with a comedy act a few years back.
His little brother, Aaron, was stunt coordinator on some movies and requested a chance to direct. Chuck Norris would never force anyone to do anything they didn't want to do.
As for the "shitty movie". Keep in mind they all made money. That's the purpose of making movies. Only about 25% of movies actually show a profit. Those that do, fortunately make up for the ones that don't. Otherwise, there would be no movies made at all. it is a business, you know.
You had better be delighted that he is above replying to a total POS like you. I am not. I am ready when you are, asshole.
Delighted and amused. While internet bad-asses like yourself are a loudmouth dime a dozen, take it as a compliment that you are, reliably, worth every chuckle you foster.
Rage against the internet, you hilarious batshit lunatic. RAGE!
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Internet bad-ass? Tell you what, asshole. I'll pay your way from whatever septic tank you live in to where I am. The we'll see who is the genuine bad-ass. Talk to me like that to my face and you will no longer have a face.
Let's all note that Jack Faust is a coward and a liar. I have called his bluff and he has suddenly disappeared. Too bad, I was hoping he would actually accept my offer. Naturally, like all internet chickens, after he learned I was serious, had done this before, and he would not be able to steal the ticket price, he vanishes. Well, that's no more than I expected.
THis "tough guy" is still silent. Maybe I hit a nerve when I said he would not be able to steal the ticket price. Or maybe when I called his bluff? Or perhaps it was when I said I cold prove everything I said?
For anyone interested, they can look at www.photobucket.com/slrman I have proofs of a lot of things there. I have nothing to hide, not my name, not where I am, not what I do, nothing. Maybe that's why so many avoid answering direct questions? They have something to hide?
Hmm, Security Stooge is strangely silent. Perhaps my post made it clear that he is not going to be able to steal the cost of the ticket or use it for a different trip? Then he'll either have to actually face me or pay for the privilege of running and hiding.
No surprise to me. I've seen so many internet cowards that talk tough until they realize their skin could actually be in the game. Well, it IS entertaining to see them squirm and invent the same pathetic excuses or simply disappear.
It's also worth noting that, when I ask them to prove that anything I've said is not true, they never reply. It is easier to ignore those tough questions than to admit failure.
I'll ignore the hysterical ranting in the first part of your post. One thing about it, though. Tell me one thing I have ever posted that is not true. It's not my fault that you're a liar and a coward, so let's move on to reality.
I'll need your real name, address, phone number, and passport number. If you have ever flown anywhere, you'd know this. Also, being an American, you'll need a Brazilian Visa. I can't get that for you nor pay for it. That's $100 USD and no doubt you'll try to use this as an excuse to not do this. But, if you show up, I'll hand you an envelope with a $100 American bill in it.
You won't need a hotel reservation, you'll be spending some time in the hospital and then in jail.
I have done this before so here's so unpleasant facts for you. It will be an electronic ticket and you will not be able to cash it is or exchange it for a different flight. I'll have an insurance policy for it that will reimburse me if you do not show up here in João Pessoa. So if you get off the flight at some intermediate stop, I'll collect the insurance. The insurance company, not being in the business of paying claims but in collecting premiums, will look to you to collect their losses. As they will have all your information, that will be easy for them to do. Think I'm blowing smoke? Try me.
Of all the times I have made this offer, only two have accepted. One never showed up and I collected the insurance. The other did show up and still regrets that decision. So will you.
When you're ready, tough guy.
I'm not running.
Since you're convinced the problem is cowardice and hiding behind a keyboard, I'm here to put a final end to that line of query.
And before I go further, your statements about how people "always lie", "never tell the truth", are morons, show stupidity and ignorance assume a great deal based upon a few words in a comment thread. They show the mind of a deep narcissist with some sort of mild messiah complex coupled with feelings of deep inadequacy and a need to boost self-esteem through the use of hyperbole, ad hominem attacks and, at least to the casual observer, possibly delusions of grandeur.
Please feel free to refer to me as moronic and deceitful. You'll likely get the brief euphoric high that drives these little tirades upon which you appear to thrive. I mean, you're not even a geek, yet you ended up here, defending someone that has been made fun of in pop culture for many years now. How DID you end up here? Just googling around looking for a fight to join? Well, bully, sir. You got one.
Now to business. Round trip ticket to your locale from John Wayne airport. I also need two nights accommodations at hotel of your choice. And no. No club or knife needed. Thanks though. Send me details. Your internet vigilantism just ran up against someone who's got the time, skill and inclination to follow through. Yeah, that DOES mean I have my own issues and lack of viable life options. I'm one of the very few people on the planet who's got little enough at stake to actually bother acting on this, but I'll address that all in due time. For now... head on over to your favorite travel site and make the reservations. I'm ready to go when you are.
See ya soon.
Yes, exactly the kind of cowardly moronic reply I expected from you. You have run out of juvenile, untrue, unoriginal posts, so you have to try amazingly ignorant web pages.
Thanks for one more proving that everything I say about you is true.
Or, you can continue to lie and hide. That's what I expect and you have never disappointed me yet. Is your life really so miserable that you must be a completely obnoxious fool to try to make yourself feel better? How sad for you.
I don't agree with Chick Norris on his politics or religion. But he is the most honest, straight-arrow person I have ever met. In other words, nothing like you.
FYi, I am an atheist. Unlike you, I always tell the truth, do not evade issues, and am not afraid to put my skin where my mouth is.
If I'm harmless, why don't you accept my offer of a free trip to face me in person? Could it be because you're a liar, a coward, mentally, ethically, and physically? Yes, that is a redundant question.
You are also an arrogant asshole. You talk big when you know you can't be held responsible for your words. Run little, boy, run. Hide in your cesspool and keep showing your ignorance and stupidity.
He's honestly not that conservative. He's just a gibbering lunatic when it comes to his sacred cows: Macs, Chuck Norris, atheism...pretty much his self-appointed superiority of opinion on almost any topic.
But yeah, same old James Smith m.o. He can't actually argue any cogent point without wheeling out his "I will fight you!!1!" drama. I'm half convinced he finds comment boards (and the Internet) difficult to separate from real life.
And even now, he admits he doesn't actually care about the topic. Despite everyone here bringing up Chuck Norris's very fundamentalist Christian politics (and yes, James, Chuck is an outright theocrat, wanting kids to be taught the Bible in public schools---and THAT's why most of us can't stand the asshole), he just wants to spit and boil, like Yosemite Sam.
I'd be bothered if he was puffing up for just me. But he's done this to countless others. For example, this one stands as probably my favorite of his tantrums: http://wehatemacs.com/en/index...
In any case, the man's harmless. And unfortunately for his blood pressure, beyond easy to troll. :)
Nope, I won't need a firearm. But if you want a weapon, I'll provide you one. What would you like, a club, knife, gun? Whatever you want. BTW, it isn't because someone is a liberal, I'm pretty liberal on most issues myself. But facts don't interest you do they?
I'm offering to pay airfare because people are assholes and cowards, saying things on here they would never dare say to my face. I couldn't care less about their politics.
I will complete you. But not the way you think. If you're so tough, why are you hiding and ignoring my offer? Afraid? Of course you are. You could't kill a cockroach. But then, they are family, aren't they?
Ohh, a YouTube video! Yes, meet me and you'll understand that song much better. But keep hiding, little boy. You're safe that way.
A YouTube vide isn't anything. Come face me personally. But hiding and lying is the way of cowards. That would be you.
Is he still offering to pay airfare to a liberal for an asskicking? Cause I'm kinda wanting to take out some Rick Santorum aggression right now.
Or will he be waiting with a firearm? I bet it's the gun thing, huh?
What a pathetic excuse for a person you are. You can't think of an intelligent reply so you post someone else's graphic. Sad, sad, sad. Does it feel good to constantly expose yourself as a coward and a metal defective?
Of course you don't. You're just another internet coward hiding from behind your computer. You talk tough when you are safely thousands of miles away. How about to my face? The offer is open. Anytime you feel like taking it. You? Ripping off mob dealers? That's another childish boast from a terrified little boy.
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tum...
Hahahaha oh Jim. I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me.
Not from the likes of you, I'm not. Come at me, see what happens to you. But hiding behind your keyboard and being an obnoxious jerk is your style, isn't it?
