When you've been around for roughly 70 years, life's bound to throw you more than your fair share of bad days. And when you're a scrawny 98-lb. weakling of a soldier who gets injected with a one-of-a-kind Super-Soldier serum that turns you into a perfect human specimen, who's then wrapped in a United States flag before being sent off to fight an arsenal of bad guys with major facial disfigurements... well, you better believe you'll see a ton of super craptastic moments.
Yes, being shot and killed is pretty bad (SPOILER ALERT: Even if it turns out you didn't really die but were actually sent back in time). And having your supposedly long-dead teen sidekick come back as a re-programmed, Communist, cybernetic killing machine is also pretty tough to swallow. But even still, those things are a walk in the park compared to all the other crap Captain America's been put through in his lengthy four-color career. Misery does love company, though. So to join in poor Steve Rogers' suffering, here's a rundown of the 10 suckiest moments in Captain America's comic book history.
10) Of Cap-Wolves and Man
Okay, fine. It did make for a cool visual cover but that's about it. After villainess Nightshade injects Cap with some werewolf mutagenic cocktail, the Star-Spangled Avenger quickly turns into a true Howling Commando. He's still a good guy fighting the good fight, only his body's way hairier, his teeth are loads sharper, and his breath could move mountains. He still thinks like a Super-Soldier, he just can't bark out orders anymore, he just barks. Which is why we get such captivating thought balloons as, "Words...in....head.... stuck.... in... throat." If you think guest appearances by Wolverine, Wolfsbane, John Jameson, Feral and Jack Russell could save this sorry storyline, well, you deserve a silver bullet too. ("Man and Wolf," Captain America
9) Dude Looks Like a Lady
Oh my stars and garters! Literally! Back in the WWII days, Captain America and his chipper young sidekick Bucky spent their "downtime" as soldiers in the U.S. Army. Their true identities were known by only a very select few, so when Private Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes needed to sneak out of camp to go find and rescue a rich, democratic bigwig like Henry Baldwin, they did what any of us would do: they played dress-up! Steve put on his Cap costume and then proceeded to dress like an extremely masculine grandmother, girdle and all. Poor Bucky didn't fare much better with his sissy outfit, complete with blue hat and big red lollipop. The two kept up their charade on a plane ride overseas to Europe where they continued to hunt Baldwin down. Is there any doubt that M.A.S.H
.'s cross-dressing Maxwell Klinger was a big Captain America fan? (Captain America Comics
8) Just Say No
In a story arc that'd make even Nancy Reagan proud, Cap's latest battle took him to the streets, specifically smack into the middle of a meth lab. And, uh-oh, the lab went kablooey and a certain Star-Spangled Avenger somehow ended up a drug-crazed freak when the meth bonded to his Super-Soldier serum. Like all good drug addicts, Cap stopped shaving, became violent and short tempered, and soon started having all sorts of zany hallucinogenic antics! This is your Captain. This is your Captain on drugs. ("Streets of Poison", Captain America
7) Go-Go Gadget Cap!
Captain America faced quite possibly his toughest foe ever in the excruciatingly painful "Fighting Chance" storyline: a bad wardrobe. Like all good athletes who risk their bodies for the glory of Nike promotions, superheroes' bodies are just as vulnerable to abuse. Decades of abusing his body and flooding it with swimming pools full of adrenaline apparently pushed Cap's body too far. The Super-Soldier serum could no longer replenish his enhanced physique, and he quickly began to weaken. Basically it got to the point where the more active Cap was, the closer he came to full paralysis and even death. To counter his dying body, Cap actually resorted to wearing a battle vest with all sorts of gimmicks on it like gas-spewing airbags and metal springs. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, things got so bad that he eventually was forced to wear full-on armor to protect his wussy self. ("Fighting Chance", Captain America
6) Old Farts
That Red Skull. He's such a tool. It seems the effects from the gas he used to stay in suspended animation were finally wearing off and, BAM, his body rapidly aged him to what the Nazi scumbag's true age should have been. So what'd he do next? Oh, he just launched an elaborate plot that ended with Captain America undergoing a medical treatment to age the hero to his normal age too. That's when the two octogenarians had themselves a true battle to the death! Seriously? This was one of Cap's finest moments? The guy's biggest defensive shield was now a box of Depends. Even lamer, the battle ended when Cap beat the Skull, who pleaded to die at the hands of the Avenger. But Cap just stood there and let the Skull's feeble body just shut down on its own. (Captain America