If you are a regular Topless Robot reader, chances are pretty good that your Christmas tree is overrun by nerdy ornaments based on your favorite shows and movies. The unpacking of tree decorations is a welcome opportunity to remember how fun some of these things are (like this year's amazing Beaker ornament from Hallmark). While others are a uncomfortable reminder of old interests that have long since faded away.
Two years ago, Topless Robot presented a look at the 10 Most Shameful Nerdy Christmas Tree Ornaments Ever. More than just providing you with a welcome distraction from figuring out what the hell you are going to do with your Star Trek: Voyager ornaments, it shed some light on how crass genre holiday merchandise can be. This sequel list presents ten more examples of lame cash grabs, poorly executed ideas and Yuletide misguidedness in general. Check it out and see if any of these have ever graced the branches of your Christmas tree. If so, my condolences.
10) Gizmo
Gremlins is the ultimate Christmas movie. So it's somewhat surprising that there wasn't an ornament from the film available until this year. As part of its 2011 assortment, Hallmark made this adorable widdle Gizmo available so you can hang it on your tree and have everyone who pops by your place revel in its carefully manufactured cuteness. I know I'm going to sound like that killjoy Mrs. Deagle here, but clearly the first ornament based on the flick should have been a little diorama of the Gremlins mowing down Mr. Futterman with a bulldozer (one that would allow you to press a button and hear Dick Miller dialogue/the Gremlins theme). A flasher Gremlin ornament would have been nice too. If you ask me, Hallmark took the easy way out by going with the cutesy route.
9) Godzilla
Over the past couple of years, Carlton was released some truly terrific Godzilla ornaments. This is not one of them. Making its debut for the 2011 holiday season, this Godzilla ornament has the King of the Monsters beating up a lighthouse. You read that right, a fucking lighthouse. He's not destroying Tokyo or smacking the crap out of Mothra or anything, but instead pointlessly demolishing a beacon of the sea. What's up for next year, having him rip the shit out of a museum or laying the smack down upon an planetarium? C'mon, Gojira, step up your game a bit.
8) Homicidal Santa
Modifying a vintage Santa Claus ornament so that it appears that jolly old Saint Nick is ripping off heads instead of giving presents, Etsy seller Kat Martin has single-handedly solved the problem of what you can get the Dexter Morgan in your life. Admittedly this is more disturbing than shamefully nerdy but hey, it's the holidays, everyone is creeped out a little bit.
7) Lieutenant William Riker
Over the years, Will Riker has gotten a lot of guff for his unwillingness to leave the comforts of the Enterprise behind in order to command his own ship. That's a tad bit unfair because he was one of Starfleet's most dedicated officers. His commitment to his job even was recreated in his 1996 Hallmark ornament which had him simultaneously engaging in a phaser firefight and pinching a squat. That my friends is what you call a commitment to duty... and doody. Wah wah!
6) The Divine Miss Piggy
Nothing throws a monkey wrench into the comfort and joy of the holiday season more than a reminder of your own mortality. Enter this angelic Miss Piggy ornament from the 1980s. If you stare at this thing long enough you can almost hear a child asking their drunken parent why Miss Piggy has wings and getting a sudden crash course in the way the universe works. The response would go something like this: "Miss Piggy has wings because she's dead now. (/kid starts crying) Hush now. Don't worry too much about it because one day you will die too. And ultimately it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things if Santa brings you that Teddy Ruxpin or not this Christmas morning because at some point you and all of your hopes and dreams will cease to exist. It's all a big nothing, really. Now be quiet and let's watch A Charlie Brown Christmas." Is this ornament a fun Christmas decoration or a portal into existentialism? You decide.
5) Angry Bert
To continue the misguided Muppet merchandise theme, here's a pissed off-looking Bert from a 1977 line of Sesame Street painted ceramic ornaments. This obviously predated the whole Bert is Evil Internet meme, so I'm guessing his scowl here is due to Ernie feeding his pigeons Alka Seltzer again. You can't see what Bert's other hand is doing in the above picture, but my money is on it flipping someone off.
4) Superman
Oh, look! Superman's wrapped a steel girder around his dick, like a bow around a present! How... festive.
3) Reggie Mantle
You'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger Archie junkie than myself and even I want nothing to do with this ornament of Reggie Mantle that sat unloved on store shelves back in 1988. Even if the character wasn't the biggest dick in Riverdale I doubt anyone would put this on their Christmas tree because it looks absolutely nothing like Reggie. My theory is that the company accidentally produced a ton of Midge ornaments, realized their mistake and decided to release them as Reggie hoping nobody would notice. Unlike this travesty, Carlton's "Lunch with Archie's Gang" ornament (a replica of a lunchbox featuring art from the popular The Love Showdown storyline) is worth tracking down if you are fan of these characters.
2) Mr. Freeze
On this list's predecessor, Christopher Radko's Batgirl ornament from Batman and Robin took the top slot. His Mr. Freeze is nearly as atrocious. This thing is nothing short of a miracle in terms of ineptitude. Not only does it look nothing like Arnold Schwarzenegger, it bears more of a resemblance to Dynamo from The Running Man than Mr; Freeze. Which is actually kind of amazing really. So maybe this one isn't entirely bad after all...
1) Showdown at the Cantina
There's a fine line between nerd baiting and nerd inciting, and Hallmark's "Showdown at the Cantina" ornament crosses it in a big way. With its release it seems that not even your Christmas tree is immune to debates about whether or not George Lucas raped your childhood. Is nothing sacred?
You should have mentioned Hallmark's Star Wars series that has been running since 1997. This year is Yoda and he speaks and I'm adding it to my series collection...Oops, should I have said that?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caganer Pooping Riker at Christmas time is part of a long tradition!
And of course, Beavis and Butthead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh17jKL0DfA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caganer
FYI, it's Christmas canon, at least in Thpain...
Just to let y'all know, if you have the FIRST Hallmark Star Trek ornament, the original Enterprise, WITH BOX, it is worth several hundred dollars! Sell it in late November/early December for additional opportunity for bidding wars!
When we can GET to our tree again, and put it up, I need to get pix. We have a pretty rad tree. Opus in Merry Xmas boxers, Pinky and Brain in a Santa robe, many many Star Trek ornaments, and some vintage ornaments, of course a pickle hiding in the back, some mercury glass ornaments of places we've traveled over the years, topped off by Tweety Bird as a singing angel!
Wait, so Gainax hasn't put a Kaoru on top of a tree yet? They should get right on it. And by "tree", I mean the one between Shinji's legs. Thank you, and good night.
Also, the Power Rangers ornament that came with their Christmas video, which is just a disk with the Rangers and Santa on one side, and Alpha with an 80s-style scribble Christmas tree on the other. Yeah, that's pretty insane.
I hate Power Rangers holiday specials for the season 4 one. I could've written a better racism Aesop.
Man, talk about the ugliest and dumbest Christmas ornaments of all time! I actually saw the Star Wars Han Solo/Greedo ornament at Hallmark the other day but I wasn't interested in buying it. All the other Hallmark ornaments were cooler and more interesting than this one. Speaking of Hallmark ornaments, you can actually join their Hallmark Keepsake Ornament fan club if any of you are interested. Man, all this talk of Hallmark ornaments makes me want to buy another one!
With boomerangs!
In a post apocalyptic Australia... Shit just got Real!
Gift wrap: yes Gift note:Shit just got so incredibly real.
Did you know that they made Mad Max action figures?
Before tonight, I did not.
Now, you will too.
Yay! More awesome!
That is fine, because I totally bought you something more awesome.
It is a nice likeness, but the scale(Ha ha) is all wrong.
Agghhh! I have both angry Bert as well as angry Ernie. Not to mention Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.
My brother has that ornament. It sits square in the middle of the tree every year.
Target has a bunch of Justice League and Christmas Story ornaments. By a bunch I mean a handful of glorified keychains on a card. Truly abysmal.
My favorite nerdy ornament is a simple Barry Allen Flash I got from the Hallmark store about ten years ago. I almost trampled a tiny child to get it.
To GO where no man has GONE before!
Live long, and poop
This reply is totally off-topic: Your pic is ADORABLE!!!
Beam Down To Planet Turd
Set Phaser To Crap
Fire A Brown Torpedo
The Vulcan Loaf Pinch
wrong. there is no explaining abraxas.
Phwew! Only one Star Trek ornament... Not like it matters since I own all of 'em... *sob*
We only have one nerdy Christmas Ornament, but it is bomb. It's a Star Trek Shuttlecraft and it says,
"Shuttlecraft to Enterprise, shuttlecraft to Enterprise. Spock here. Happy holidays. Live long and prosper." You can see one here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgFZbC0pX5Q
I wanna get the Angry Bert ornament and launch it with a slingshot at a bunch Divine Miss Piggy ornaments stacked on thin pieces of wood and ice.
II would hang Gizmo with pride on my tree. As for Riker...not only do I have that ornament, I was unable to read the description you wrote out loud to my family because I was laughing so hard I was crying.
Yours has a MOTOR? WHAT? I got gipped.
Ya know..it's weird but I have that Star Trek ornament...and I'm not sure why cus I've never been into that series at all.
Also I've never taken it out of the box either.
Oh, I have that one, but it doesn't go on the tree anymore, since the motor's starting to wear out and it makes this horrible noise every time it rotates. So now it sits on display with Clark facing out. It kinda looks nice.
Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie, but Hook runs a close second.
I got that one too!
Yeah... sure... Ummm; nothing to see here; right? (searching quietly- but frantically- for an exit).
Check out that picture you posted, Chyro. Imagine <i><b>that</b></i> being the first thing you see when you wake up Christmas morn- Especially if you are 6-9 years old.
I may have just explained Abraxas...
(;,;) Oli
I totally have a sweet Clark Kent-changes-into-Superman phone booth ornament. It's like 2 nerdy ornaments in one!
Oh my God, I have had Angry Bert ever since it came out, STILL hang it on the tree!
I only heard one shot in the ornament video - so I'm guessing this is an 'unofficially' sanctioned by Mr. Lucas ornament.
My tree is safe, thankfully. However, my mother's tree is not. It's done up with all Star Wars ornaments, of which the Cantina Showdown is one. That's not all though. Her tree topper is a Yoda with a lit lightsaber.
Dropping a deuce in the presence of the Christ-child seems somewhat sacrilegious.
Sure he's in a manger, where cows and sheep do their dirty,dirty business during their winter sheltering, but Riker is a trained officer of Starfleet, he should know better.
Aww... Santa Yoda's not scary- he's just... very intently focused!
A little too late (sold out) but for next year...
http://www.bbcamericashop.com/house-and-home/doctor-who-tardis-ornament-16371.html
THAT is one scary-ass Santa. What the hell kind of Christmases do you HAVE at your house???
(;,;) Cheers, and merry, merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Oli.
Actually, Hallmark's "Showdown at the Cantina" ornament gives nerd parents a chance to have some deep and meaningful discussions with their children about which is worse: Killing or lying.
because these are nerdy *shameful* ornaments. A TARDIS ornament would be nerdy and GLORIOUS! xD
Hmm our tree topper Is a Nervous Rex puppet from Burger King I think. We made little angel wings for him too.
I have the Riker ornament. But instead of it being on my tree, it's been part of my Nativity set for years. He fits in perfectly with it. The story is that he traveled back in time to save the first Christmas, and I'm sticking to that.
if you had been dead for years, you'd have trouble breaking the ice too.
pinch a loaf???? now that's a phrase for me to get behind!
I have a Data ornament similar in style to that Riker one (except that he doesn't look like he's taking a shit). Now I really want that Riker one too, because, even Riker taking a shit is somehow ten times more awesome than every ornament, ever.
"Bless this humble tree with your beardy awesomeness, oh Riker of the Enterprise, oh Riker of the Shitting Rock."
Two lists and not a single TARDIS ornament. **sigh**
I made a sweatshirt like that and trust me, it makes you the most popular person at the Christmas party.
I have the Godzilla ornament. I thought it was pretty sweet.
I like that I can conjure up Godzilla's trademark roar with the push of a button.
<i>Angry</i> Bert? Is there any other kind?
Look at the size of that loaf! You didn't think those were rocks in the background, did you?
as long as I can get one of Tony Vreski in a grey sweatshirt with "Now I Have A Machine Gun Ho Ho Ho" written on the chest, I'm good
Okay, I was "elsewhere" when the original trilogy was re-released so I missed all the outrage and didn't get a chance to see them until they came out on DVD. In that version it looks to me like Han shot first and Greedo's shot was a muscle spasm discharge related to being shot which like most of the changes I was just kinda "meh" about. I didn't hear about the controversy until later and the scene still looks that way to me. Was the theater version different?
I have a different one that makes his signature "roar" when you push the button on the back. It scares the heck out of my cat.
HAAA!!! :D If I'd been in the middle of drinking a beverage when I read this, it'd be all over my screen now... very good sir!
Wow. I am way out of touch with the current lingo as I have no idea what either of those things are. They both sound very naughty, though. ;)
we need a John Mclane ornament with bloody bare feet and smokin a german made cig
I was going to point that out, glad someone else beat me to it!
i have it too I also have the enterprise shuttle craft with spock that talks!
Why Riker goes to an alien planet just to pinch a loaf is a little odd.
Like like like like like like - one click on the 'like' button wasn't enough.
Unless it is a euphemism like deep googling,or burping the gherkin.
I love the Gizmo one. I'd buy it but I'm trying to convince my mother to go with fish ornaments so we can have a Merry Fishmas.
welcome to whose list is it anyway where the checks don't matter. that's right the checks don't matter. i'll go through the list, give checks to whatever, and at the end I get to do something special with the "winner" (cramming). let's have at it!
gremlins, the ultimate christmas movie complete with a kitchen of horror, check!
homicidal santas? double check!
lieutenant (?) riker obviously in need of alone time with a laxative, check!
i wouldn't say that burt looks angry; also not enough pigeon poop on the hands, heh heh, sorry no check :(
ah, superman, that steel bar looks like two admittedly large flaccid penii atop a scrotum. a thousand checks for that!
holy shit halmark made an christmas ornament like that? a thousand checks!
and the winner is crispy greedo - riker, open wide for your enema :D
that mr. freeze looks more like an egyptin tomb then the frozen villain . plus that santa would be a way to have the holiday without relitives
My Bert and Ernie survived the terrible tree crash of 2003, which destroyed many a glass ornament. To my great relief, those guys are really strong.
That Bert lives on my dresser, next to Ernie, who may or may not have dropped a whole pile of glitter into Bert's bottlecap collection.
My current avatar pic is of our Yoda tree topper- I think the Build-A-Bear Santa hat we added makes it significantly shameful and nerdy. Here's a better pic:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=161520350616020&set=a.114329002001822.13046.100002741698679&type=3&theater
(photo taken with lights off, no flash)
A couple years ago I took a random lot of old toys and screwed tiny metal hooks into them. Now our tree is a Mario happy meal toy, Goro from Mortal Kombat, and other random plastic junk.
My mom's got that Bert ornament (to complete the nerdiness, we also have Ernie). I'd love to say something clever about it, but it pretty much looks like the photo. Although it must be pretty durable if it's from 1977, since it's survived multiple years of out cats trying to eat it off the tree.
You can't nerd alert yourself!
...Han shot first. -runs away real fast-
COMMANDER Riker.
Unless you're referring to his transporter duplicate, who was featured on an episode of both TNG and DS9. However, as Riker is clearly wearing command red and not operations lieutenant, it's most likely the real deal.
Nerd alert.
I have the Beaker ornament, and it is wonderful (even if the metronome sometimes goes a touch out of synch).
I am actually surprised none of my ornaments ended up on here, considering I even have a blown-glass Batman, a mini replica of the DC Superheroes Lunchbox, the animated Tribbles ornament, Opus receiving a hairball from Bill the Cat, and plush Ebola with reindeer antlers, among others.
Holy shit, how did I not know about the Gizmo ornament??
I won't lie; I added some of these to my ornament wishlist. I don't know what that says about me and I don't care!
I have a deep space nine defiant plug in ornament. I think baby Jesus would want me to have it on my tree.
Maybe it's just me, but the Mr. Freeze ornament looks like an egyptian sarcophagus is trying to flirt with someone. Terribly.
Heheheheheheheheh. My parents have the Miss Piggy ornament. Its one of my favorites!
Gremlins is the ultimate Christmas movie? My vote goes to Die Hard (the first movie). What better way to celebrate Christmas than to watch John McClane run around a building on Christmas and kill terrorists and blow up the building, this movie is on in my house every year followed by A Christmas Story.
I want a John McClane ornament with bloody bare feet and a gun taped to his back with christmas packing tape.
Step 1, put your d*ck on the girder...
My roommate would go nuts over that Godzilla ornament.
That steel girder trick never gets old.
Riker gave himself a demotion after Worf stole his woman, and therfore his manhood.
I ALMOST bought the Han and Greedo one. Man, it was so tempting. The only two ornaments on our tree were Batman and Space Ghost.
I liked the Godzilla one. It was as if Godzilla was attacking a cheesy ornament like the kind my mother gets.
And isn't Riker a commander? Or did I miss something?
This list has NOTHING on my nerdy Christmas Tree. Riker is but one of the many that adorn my tree...
haha that Superman is on my tree. I'm crying on my presents as I post this.
TotalComments: 90
Nerd news, humor and self-loathing.Edited by Rob Bricken
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