?As Billy Squier reminds us, Christmas is the time to say “I love you.” It is also the one day of the year that every card-carrying nerd can truly relish in their geekery. Because of the holiday, not only do your relatives have to pretend that they don’t shit talk your love of sci-fi behind your back, but they also have to enable it by buying the various toys, DVDs and graphic novels on your Amazon wish list. Smelling blood and going in for the kill, Hallmark and other companies began seriously courting nerds in the 1990s by releasing some amazing holiday ornaments.
Then there are the ones that are not so good. Like Herbie on the Isle of Misfit Toys, all these things want is to become a part of your Yuletide celebrations. Too bad they stink like your drunken bachelor uncle after a day of pizza, whiskey and whores. Here’s a look at the lamest geekcentric Christmas decorations ever to darken any tree on which they were displayed.
10) Heavenly Host
?Unlike the rest of the items on this list, you can’t actually buy this item — a replica of the Heavenly Host character from the 2007 Doctor Who episode “Voyage of the Damned.” It was offered as a download on the BBC’s official Who site as part of their annual Advent calendar. Those who spent their time and energy printing out, cutting, assembling and gluing this item were rewarded with a miniature version of the lamest robot ever to appear on the series. Worse still, there isn’t an officially licensed Tardis available to trim your tree with. If there’s an upside to this paper monstrosity it’s that it brings to mind Heavenly Ham restaurants. Ham is really delicious.
9) Gungan Submarine
?At this point, poking fun at the Star Wars prequels is like shooting fish in a barrel. But they are still so devoid of coherence or quality acting that the fun of ridiculing them hasn’t diminished a bit. That brings us to this Gungan Submarine ornament released by the kindly folks at Hallmark. As you may or may not remember, this craft was the setting for a scene whose audio was leaked to the Internet shortly before The Phantom Menace was released. Masochistic Star Warriors wishing to relive the crushing disappointment of hearing Jar Jar speak for the first time can hang this on their tree and spend the Yuletide thinking fondly of the shit-stepping Gungan. Whosa has a headache?
8) Hulk Picture Frame
?Ever want to create the illusion that the Hulk is anally violating your loved ones? Then slap a picture of your Nana in this picture frame ornament and have yourself a creepy Marvel Christmas. I think that the true reason behind S.H.I.E.L.D.’s exile of the green one in Planet Hulk has finally been revealed…
?Following the destruction of the second Death Star, Chewbacca started spending all of his time raving in the nightclubs of Coruscant. It was there that he was befriended by notorious Elan Sleezebaggano. Abandoning his family and friends, he started living only to dance to Meco’s penetrating disco rhythms and get hopped up on deathsticks. Before long he became a furry shell of his former self and his drug-fueled ways sent him to that big treehouse in the sky. Life Day was never the same for Han after that.
Or at least that’s one possible explanation for the goofy, glitter-infused look of this ornament from respected blown glass maven Christopher Radko. Not that it’s any less plausible than any of the other Expanded Universe nonsense. If Leia can drink hot chocolate in Heir to the Empire, Chewie can wind up as the intergalactic Party Monster.
?It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a…onesie with the Superman logo on it that geeky parents can put on their tree to commemorate baby’s first Christmas. Thus ensuring that they imprint their social awkwardness onto the next generation.
?What’s more troubling about this ornament: that it looks more like a cross between Reggie Mantle and Lion-O than Wolverine or the mysterious white fluid flowing from Logan’s nether regions?
4) Commander Trip Tucker
?No disrespect to Connor Trinneer intended, but there really is no reasonable explanation why anyone would want Enterprise‘s ill-fated chief engineer dangling from their tree, which is why it was deemed the overall Nerdiest Christmas Tree Ornament Ever by TR last year. Having faith of the heart does not forgive horrible taste in holiday d?cor.
3) M&M Queen Amidala
?When M&Ms introduced their first female character in a 1997 ad campaign, they infused their product with a bizarre sexuality that also played into the urban legend that the green colored variety of the candies made those who ate them horny. Green the M&M was designed to be an alluring, independent woman who didn’t need a man to get by in this big old crazy world of ours. (Anthropomorphizing chocolate snacks is strange enough, but making them into sensual chocolate snacks is the stuff that mental illness/Fan Fiction Friday is made of). This is all confusing enough on its own without getting the Star Wars prequels mixed up in its sugar and calculated eroticism hornet’s nest. Yet here we have Green decked out as Queen Amidala herself. The crass cross-promotion aside, isn’t Green betraying her role as the keeper of the Girl Power flame by portraying a character that died of some bullshit broken heart after giving birth to twins? Also, the lipstick makes her look like a trollop. A delicious trollop.
2) Gingerbread Jayna
?Etsy, CafePress and eBay are retail wonderlands if you are in the market for some cheap, legally dubious Christmas swag inspired by your favorite TV show, movie or comic character. Amongst the endless array of shiny vampire Twilight crap and homemade Doctor Who doodads that make the Heavenly Host ornament seem downright charming are some items that are so strange that will they confuse, excite and frighten you all at once. Such is the case with this wacky ornament making the eBay rounds that has Wonder Twin Jayna taking the form of a gingerbread man. Not only is this inaccurate to the character’s actual abilities (unless there is some planet in the DC multiverse inhabited by cookie beasts), it goes against everything that is good and pure in the world. Plus, everyone knows that Gleek is cooler.
?The creator of the previously mentioned Club Kid Chewbacca, Christopher Radko, also released a line of commemorative Batman & Robin ornaments in 1997. Fans of Alicia Silverstone’s portrayal of Batgirl were devastated when they saw their idol recreated in blown glass as an apparent mumps sufferer whose mask made her look more like a raccoon domestic violence victim than a junior crime fighter. Happy holidays!