11 Things We Can Expect in the Future According to Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

By Jason Helton in Daily Lists, TV
Friday, December 30, 2011 at 7:59 am
5) Gary Coleman Will Be the Smartest Man in the Universe

So the odds of a person being accidentally cryogenically frozen and reanimated 500 years later are pretty astronomical. So what are the chances that a second person would also get frozen in almost the same manner? About 1 in 1, apparently. If all of this sounds absurd, wait until you get to the punch line: The second person is the supposed smartest person in the galaxy, and he just so happens to be Gary "Whutchu talking 'bout, Willis" Coleman. Yes, long before he went Postal, he was the smartest 10-year-old in the universe, and the president of Genesia. Of course, it isn't long before trouble ensues and Gary is abducted by Mr. Hand. Buck and his gal pal of the week are of course able to save the day, and President Hieronymus Fox appears periodically during the rest of the first season. He is basically like a smartass younger version of Buck, constantly making '80s references and essentially acting like Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes.

4) Roller Disco Will Be Considered an Act of War

In the scene above, the Earth Defense Directorate welcomes Draconian Princess Ardala to Earth. If "Bah Weep Gra Wa Weep Nini Bom" is the universal greeting of friendship, then performing roller disco is the universal equivalent of "Fuck You." Why? Because in the next scene, Ardala explains to the party that she intends on glassing the planet with her new planet-killing pyramid thing, unless Buck submits to her every kinky whim. One can only assume it's because of the insult brought upon by the roller disco (in fairness, the opening to the show explained that Ardala had all intentions of nuking the planet, but we prefer our explanation). Roller disco has obviously evolved over the years, with performers accessorizing with rope-lighting trimmed skates, and tons of glitter. I will say this, the blond ponytailed bimbo is having a hell of a good time, or is on a shitload of drugs. She looks like the happiest person in the universe.

3) The Seven Dwarfs Will Telepathically Strip Women... for Science

In its travels, the Searcher somehow came upon a group of little people. But these weren't your typical little people, but instead take a page from Carrie White and have the ability of telekinesis. While Carrie was able to murder and destroy with her power, these telekinetics have other intentions -- specifically, playing doctor. Apparently their species doesn't have women like human women. Enter Wilma Dering, who is a whole lotta woman, and you have a rather explosive situation. Intrigued by her "bumps", the dwarves corner her, and begin to "off-think" telekinetically removing her buttons, one by one, from her top. When our dear Colonel questions their behavior, they take a page from GlaDOS and happily exclaim that their actions are for science! Of course, being a family show, Wilma escaped the scene clothed, but Dads everywhere had nasty thoughts for the rest of the evening. I'll be in my bunk.

2) The Teletubbies Will Become the Most Popular Music Group in History

Music has evolved greatly in the 25th century. In the pilot episode, it seemed rather stuffy, and it took Buck to bring back "rock." Apparently, it caught on pretty quickly, because it wasn't long before super group Andromeda hit the scene. Dressed like a futuristic illuminated Teletubbie, Andromeda is comprised of "guitar" player Karana, light-up laser synthesizer player Rambeau, and the clear crystal drummer is the mighty Cirus. Their unique version of rock sounds more like electronica, but regardless of what you call it, apparently it will be very popular, with the band getting ready for their first galaxy-wide broadcast. Of course, the real man behind Andromeda was their manager Lars "I put baby in the corner" Mangros and his enforcer Bull from Night Court. Little did the band know that Lars was really trying to dominate the universe, by using subliminal messages to put listeners into a violent trance. Some people become so hypnotized, they join a cross between the KISS Army and the Hitler Youth, start wearing uniforms and the obligatory evil helmets, and act as a militia for the evil music producer. Of course, once Buck arrives on space station "MusicWorld" the shit hits the fan, and Lars' plan ends up getting Bucked. Unfortunately, Andromeda doesn't reappear in the series, but apparently their music transcends time, as they performed on the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas soundtrack (actually, the song "Odyssey" featured in the episode was written and performed by the great Johnny Harris).

1) Vampires Will No Longer Sparkle

One of the things that apparently escaped the destruction of Earth as we know it is Nosferatu, the vampire. Now known as a Vorvon, the creature formerly known as a vampire, travels space, no longer needing blood to survive, but instead feasting on its victims' "life force" for food. This metaphysical chowing down still has the unwelcome side effect of turning the lunchee into a Vorvon as well, but this method seems to be a lot less messy than what the Vorvon's 21st century relatives had to do to eat. The Vorvon does not, however, resemble the 21st century vampire at all. First, gone is the "marble-like" skin that is pale, cold and sparkly -- the Vorvon can best be described as a Ferengi with hydrocephalus, fangs, and a big fucking unibrow. In fact, there is no real way to describe the unibrow, it is just so massive and takes up so much of the Vorvon's enlarged dome piece, it must really be seen to be believed. His fashion sense is very un-Edward Cullen, as he seems to dress like a member of Pantera, though his long painted fingernails elicit the look of a confused 15-year-old emo kid. While the Vorvon in this episode was defeated, it is not known if more exist; however, we do know that they sure as hell don't sparkle.
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