Fan Fiction Friday: Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson in “Dares”

?Today’s story is by an author named Snow. Since I have to both 1) write an FFF and 2) travel via airport today, I’m far too bitter to do a proper intro. Let’s just start.

Bruce and Dick have just arrived back at Wayne Manor from the police Gala honoring Bruce.

Major metropolitan police departments like to throw parties for rich white guys, I’ve heard.

The both remover their shoes at the door.

Thank
god for this detail. I was already totally perplexed about the matter
of their shoes, and I was so afraid that this nagging question would
prevent me from enjoying this tale, but no — the author had it covered.
But what about their coats? Did they have them?

Bruce take off his jacket and bow tie.

But did he put them on a coat-rack or throw them on a chair for Alfred to pick up later?!

Bruce walks over to a chair and sets his tie and jacket down as he remove his unbuttons his vest and removes it.

WHEW.

He
notices that Dick has already remove his jacket, vest and tie and is
lying on the couch. Bruce undoes the buttons on the cuffs of his shirt.

Okay, actually you can bring down the level of detail a bit, dude.

Both Bruce and Dick are drunk. So Bruce decides to play a game with Dick.

I bet he does.. And the game is afoot after the jump

He goes over to Dick on the couch and asks, “Do you want to play a game?” Dick says

?

“Sure what kind of game?”
” How about Truth or Dare?” suggests Bruce.

“That is a good game!” says Dick.
“I thought it was a good game too,” says Bruce.
“Let’s play the game now.”
They played the game.

“Ok” Dick says. Bruce says,”Truth or Dare”. Dick says, “Dare”. Bruce says,”I dare you to remove your shirt.”

Bruce, you suck at Truth or Dare.

Dick stands up and unbuttons the cuffs on his shirts. Then he unbuttons the shirt down the middle and takes off the shirt revealing his ripped chest. Then sets the shirts and the couch and sits back down.

NO ONE WILL BE SEATED DURING THE INCREDIBLE SHIRT-REMOVAL DESCRIPTION SCENE

Dick asks, “Truth or Dare, Bruce”. Bruce says, “Dare” cause he was thinking it would be easy like the one he gave Dick. Dick says, “I dare you to strip completely naked and run around the mansion naked for 5 minutes.”

You’d think the World’s Greatest Detective might have seen that coming a little more.

Bruce unbuttons the rest of his shirt and then takes it off revealing his muscular chest. He sets the shirt on a chair next to the couch. Bruce removes the fancy belt and places it on top of the shirt. Bruce the unbutton and unzips his pants and pulls them down to his ankles and steps out of them.

HE TAKES OFF HIS CLOTHES JUST SAY HE TAKES OFF HIS FUCKING CLOTHES AND MOVE THE FUCK ON

Bruce now is standing in is underwear and socks. He decided to remove the socks first. After removing the socks his stands up and removes his black boxers. He slow pulls them over his dick and then steps out of them and is completely naked. Then Bruce starts running around the mansion naked.

Description of Bruce Wayne removing his clothes: 104 words. Description of Bruce Wayne running around Stately Wayne Manor butt-naked: 8 words. PRIORITIES, PEOPLE.

He is doing fine till goes by Alfred’s room and knocks picture off the wall.

How? Did his dick knock it off?

He wakes up Alfred and he comes out. He looks and Bruce and says,”Why Master Bruce you are completely naked. What happen to your clothes?” Bruce explains what happens and continues his naked run.

I guarantee you it took Bruce 10 full minutes to explain what happened to his clothes.

By the time he gets back to where he started Dick is passed out on the couch.

Holy shit! Dick is as bored by this crap as we are, and he’s starring in the damn thing.

Bruce picks up his clothes and walks naked up to his room. Bruce is about to hop in the shower when he hears the phone ring. Bruce peers out of his room to see if Dick is going to answer it.

Again, Bruce Wayne: WORLD’S WORST TRUTH OR DARE PLAYER.

The phone is still ringing so Bruce runs down the stairs completely forgetting that he is naked still. Bruce pick up the phone. “Sorry to call so late this is commissioner Gordon. Harvey Bullock just broke up with his girlfriend. I thought that you and Dick could come over tomorrow night and try and cheer him up.”

?I can’t even process how insane this paragraph is. It’s just so inexplicably wrong on all levels of Bat-canon — even the ’60s show, where Commissioner Gordon actually would call Bruce Wayne for all sorts of shit, because 1) even the ’60s show had its limits of inanity, and 2) there was no Harvey Bullock back then. I can’t even fathom what a twisted, preposterously limited view of Batman you would have to have in order to think the above paragraph makes any sense whatsoever. It’s like you’d have to watch a couple of episodes of Batman ’66, read an old Silver Age comic where Batman falls in love for some reason, then like two minutes of a Batman:TAS  episode where Harvey Bullock shows up, and THEN NOTHING ELSE. YOU CAN NOT SEE A SECOND MORE BATMAN ANYTHING AND STILL BELIEVE THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH IS A REASONABLE IDEA.

Bruce says, “Ok, we will bring the liquor and maybe even Harvey Dent if we can pull him away from his office.”

AND THE GOOD IDEAS JUST KEEP A-COMIN’

Bruce says goodnight to Commissioner and head back upstairs to get his shower. Dick gets up for a second while Bruce is going up the stairs and says, “Nice butt Bruce!”

Meanwhile, the Joker has poison-gassed like eight pre-schools.

The next morning Bruce wakes up completely naked in his bed.

OH MY GOD WE DON’T EVEN GET THE BULLOCK COMFORTING SCENE. Then why even mention it? What the fuck is the point of any of this?! AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

He lifts up the cover to see his morning erection. He sees Alfred coming so he puts the covers down and whispers to himself I will take care of you later.

?BATMAN JUST TALKED TO HIS OWN DICK.

…

…

…

?

Alfred comes in with a breakfast tray for Bruce. It has toast, juice and eggs on it.

Bruce whispers to his penis he wishes Alfred made bacon.

Alfred tries to tell him that Master Dick’s bathroom is under repair but is dismissed before he has the chance Alfred leaves to check on Dick. Bruce eats quickly and then sets the tray on the left side of the bed. He lifts the covers and says, “Hello my little friend now it is time to take care of you.”

Somewhere, Frank Miller is hitting himself in the head for not thinking of this first.

Bruce takes his right and caress his balls and then moves it up and down. He moves his hand faster and faster. Bruce takes a quick look to see that he now has a huge erection.

He is the World’s Greatest Detective, after all.

Bruce lowers the covers and keeps moving his hand up and down his pensis. Bruce keeps going for a few more minutes and then he can feel himself being to climax. He finally gets the much need release as he cums all over himself and the sheets.

I don’t know what Bruce is paying Alfred, but it’s not enough. It’s not nearly enough.

While Bruce is using the sheet to cleanup Dick is downstairs eating breakfast with Alfred. Alfred asks, “Master Dick are we enjoying breakfast?” Dick replies, “Yes!” The Alfred get up and says, “I need to check on Master Bruce.” Alfred gets up and goes upstairs to Bruce’s room and sees him getting out of the bed naked. Alfred says, “Naked again Master Bruce?” Bruce says,”I am not sure what happen but I was naked in my bed this morning. I am finished with breakfast and the sheets need to be washed again.”

First of all, Bruce seems pretty nonchalant about being unsure how he woke up naked and in his bed at Wayne Manor. I would think that blacking out and losing his clothes would be — or should be — the kind of behavior that would worry a man who goes out and fights crime dressed as a bat. Second of all, BRUCE YOU HORRIBLE ASSHOLE. I know you’re rich, but use a handkerchief or a sock or some kleenex or something. Alfred didn’t raise you singlehandedly to wash your semen-stained bedsheets every day.

Alfred asks, “A nightmare again Master Bruce?” Bruce lies and says, “Yes, Alfred.”

Good save, Bruce.

Alfred thinks that that makes 5 times this week. Bruce shouts to Alfred, “Tell the driver to come up here when he arrives.” Alfred replies, “Of course Master Bruce.”

“You sure the driver shouldn’t wait with the car, sir?”
“If I want the driver to come to my bedroom while I’m naked, Alfred, tell the driver to come to my bedroom while I’m naked.”
“Very good, sir. If you no longer need me, I’m going to cry in the library for the next several hours.”

Dick finishes his breakfast and heads upstairs to Bruce’s bathroom because his is under repair.

HOLY SHIT ALL THE HORRIBLE MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT IN THIS STORY AND ROBIN’S BROKEN BATHROOM IS THE ONLY THING APPARENTLY WORTHY OF CONTINUITY AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Dick goes in and brushes his teeth and wash his face. Bruce stops the shower for a moment and gets out to see what’s going on.

WORLD’S GREATEST DETECTIVE IN ACTION

Bruce hops out of the shower completely naked and says,”What are you doing in my bathroom?” Dick replies, “Mine is under repair.” Dick is trying not to stare at Bruce who is naked so he takes quick glances.

Good save, Dick.

After a few minutes Bruce hops back into the shower and heres a door slam and thinks that Dick left. He starts the show back up and starts to masterbate again. Bruce starts working his hand up and down his dick. Bruce keeps saying, “I am Batman!” over and over again.

?HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Okay, that’s funny. Also, how this is not a scene in Frank Miller’s All-Star Batman & Robin I’ll never know.

This makes Dick duck down and watch in the mirror.

Well, seeing as Bruce has no problem jacking off on his sheets and letting Alfred clean them, I imagine Dick’s probably smart to duck.. 

Dick can watch in the mirror cause Bruce insisted on installing fog proof glass in the bathroom. After a few minutes he hears a moan and see Bruce cum. After that Bruce’s driver comes up. He tells the driver, “Strip!” Dick thought that Bruce meant him so he beings to stip until he notices the driver.

So Dick has just been hanging out in the bathroom this whole time? Who’s stupider: Dick, for for thinking Bruce ordered him to take his clothes off when he obviously didn’t know he was there; Bruce, for somehow not noticing Dick was just hanging out in the bathroom when he exited the shower; or us, for reading this nightmare?

“I won’t do it!” the driver says. “How about we play a game of truth or dare then? And I start” says Bruce. “Ok” says the driver.

?

Bruce says,”Truth or Dare”. The driver picks dare cause he want to dare Bruce to do something.

The driver apparently has less of an idea how to play Truth or Dare than Bruce does.

Bruce says, “I dare you to get naked and get in the shower with me.” The driver removes his hat, jacket, and shirt.

“Curses, Master Wayne! You’ve neatly forced me to sidestep my own refusal to remove my clothes! Well played, sir! Well played indeed!”

The he sits down and removes his shoes and socks. Once his down his stands up and removes his belt. Then he unzips and unbuttons his pants and push them past his knees and steps out of them.

OH GOD THE CLOTHES THE CLOTHES

He is left standing in his boxers which he teases Bruce with. He puts his hand inside the boxers and pulls them down about an inch at a time. Then he pushes them over his dick and let them fall to the ground. He steps out of
the before entering the shower. He asks, “Bruce Truth or Dare. Bruce not afraid of the dares takes dare. The driver says, “I dare you to run to the front gate naked, jump in a fountain and then come back up and give me a blowjob.” Bruce gets out of the shower and runs down the stairs and out the front door. Alfred closes the door behind him. Bruce runs to the gate and then see the fountain and jumps in. Bruce heads to the front door and rings the bell. Alfred answers and asks,”Master Bruce how did you get locked outside naked.” He explained what happened and runs back upstairs and hops back in the shower.

“Ah, I see, sir. Very good, sir. Incidentally, if dinner happens to be late this evening it will be because I shot myself.”

 The driver points to his dick and says,”Enjoy” Bruce kneels down and put the drives dick in his mouth and moves his head back and forth. After about 5 minutes the driver is about to cum.

You know what makes me want to die right now? It’s not that someone finds the idea of Batman/Bruce Wayne sucking some random chauffeur’s dick erotic. It’s that he feels that ” Bruce kneels down and put the drives dick in his mouth and moves his
head back and forth. After about 5 minutes the driver is about to cum” conveys that in any kind of erotic fashion. HOW CAN YOU WRITE THAT AND THINK YOU’RE EVEN MEDIOCRE AT EROTIC FAN FICTION.

..

OH GOD NOW I’M JUDGING THE EROTIC FAN FIC ON ITS OWN MERITS KILL ME KILLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEE

Bruce is told to keep sucking his dick.

?

As the driver starts cumming Bruce tries to pull away but the driver makes him swallow his cum.

This is exactly why the 1% fears the Occupy movement.

Bruce gets up and dick some water from the shower head.

Okay, a lot is forgiven for accidentally writing “drinks” as “dick.” That’s delightfully insane.

Then they kiss and wash each other for about another 10 minutes and then the driver gets out and goes and sits in the car and waits to take them to commission Gordon’s place. Meanwhile at Commissioner Gordon’s. Officer Bullock is waking up. Officer Bullock sleeps in the nude. He gets up and looks down at his 11 inch dick and goes to fix breakfast.

Is checking your dick in the morning something people do? Should I be performing a visual evaluation on my penis each morning? What am I missing here?

While he is fixing breakfast Commissioner Gordon comes down.

I hope he’s not making sausages.

…

What? Believe you me, you do not want to get grease burns on your penis.

Bullock turns all the way around so Commissioner Gordon can get a good luck. Bullock asks,”Do you want some breakfast?” Commissioner Gordon doesn’t answer because he is transfixed on Bullock’s dick.

All the men in the Batman universe — hell, the DC universe — and this dude is writing about Harvey Bullock making Commissioner Gordon breakfast while nude. Think about that.

After a minute, Commissioner Gordon says “Can you put that thing away?” Bullock says, “You want to play with it? Maybe after breakfast. Let me borrow your robe.” He goes over and Commissioner Gordon hands him the robe. Commissioner Gordon is now just sitting in his boxers. Bullock says, “Sorry, I like to sleep in the nude.” Bullock goes back and finishes up breakfast.

THEY EAT BREAKFAST. WE GET IT. MOVE A-FUCKING-LONG.

When he is finish he brings it over to the table. They eat breakfast and then Bullock asks, “Commissioner, how about a game before we get dressed?” “Ok,” Gordon says. “Ok then Truth or Dare Commissioner Gordon.”

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Gordon replies, “What the hell, Dare” Bullock says, “I dare you to remove your boxers. Commission Gordon stands up and reaches in his boxers and plays with his dick first.

“Um, sir, all due respect, but the ‘dare’ was purely about the boxers. Masturbating is totally unnecessary and, if I may say so, inappropriate.”

Then he starts to remove to boxers. Slowly he reveals his pubic hair and then his dick. He lets the boxers fall to the ground and steps out. Gordon asks for his robe but Bullock refuses. Bullock watch as Gordon heads up the stair naked. Bullock goes over to the pool and removes the robe and goes for a naked swim.

WHY DOES NO ONE IN THIS STORY ABOUT TRUTH OR DARE KNOW HOW TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH

THE END. Seriously, that’s it. Maybe there’s more to come in this epic tale of clothing being taking off and set on things, but for now this is where the story stops — with copious description of people taking off their clothes and very, very little description of people actually getting it on. Sigh. Seriously, this insanity is far too awful to have to deal with while trying to fly commercial. If I don’t return on Monday, you know why.