Shakespearean Star Wars Winners

By Luke Y. Thompson in Books
Wednesday, July 3, 2013 at 6:34 pm

What I ultimately decided was to award the prizes to entries that went a step beyond, transcending the simple mash-up. As in the case of Bloodcreep, whose Shakespearean Duel of the Fates was also a pointed critique of the scene in any language.
SCENE 3--Naboo

Doors open. Enter Darth Maul.

Maul: Behold, tis I, Lord Maul. And we dark Sith shall now wreck murderous revenge upon thou Jedi.
Kenobi: Not for two more episodic installments, methinks.
Maul lowers his hood
Maul: No? Look upon my scarlet visage and think yet more.
Jinn: Thou appear likest a most venomous horned Toad.
Kenobi: And we are about to lash thee with our tongues.
Maul: Much like you two men-girls lash each other? I needn't partake! I have two red tongues here to lash you.
Maul, Jinn, and Kenobi Draw sabres.
They fight. [Lucas edit]
Maul: Ah, your green dragon sword doth hiss, Jinn. And yours, Kenobi, crackles like the ice.
Jinn: Lords! Your kick has rattled the gaol of my sternum and scuffed my chest hairs!
Maul: Witness my twirl. Behold that garbage there, now it is here. It opens doors as if it were a key most fit.
Jinn: Bah! I have been well heeled in the boob again!
Maul: You would befit time more well to enlighten yourself with a defense, Master Jinn. And now I have purposely backed to the edge of this decking.
Kenobi: Feint! Or Force headbutt! I cannot tell rightly what I do.
Jinn: Now I shall smash thee to smithereens.
Maul: Thanks be to the Nabooans. Thanks be to the Nabooites. Whatever they deem themselves. Thanks be to the people of Naboo that they care not for life and limb to repair themselves with guardrails so I can flip over the chasm to this decking so impressively.
Jinn and Kenobi: And we shall follow where you lead!
Maul: And so you shall into this extraneous room with doors of amniotic pink.
Jinn: I shall pause for a moment of reflection. {Aside}: What the fucking pink Hell is this shit for?
Maul: I will take this respite to stretch my legs in the manner of a pacing Endorian cat.
Jinn: Return to arms! Engarde!
Maul: Listen to the song my sabres hum. But now is the time to draw the drapes across this little theatre.
Jinn: Egads! I doth believe it would have been better to welcome your boot again instead of your ruddy blade. You have cauterized my heart closed and dammed the gushing stream of my blood to a cold still lake. My legs have ended their allegiance to me and I fall forward in a failed somersault kind of way upon my face.
Kenobi: No.
Maul: I welcome you to the Genosian Bull ring now, squire.
Kenobi: Ha! It doth rankle me that you have felled my master. Also it doth rankle me to now realize that had I fought this well two minutes backwards you might be the one lying prone upon the ground.
Maul: Flush, you bugger! Into this gaping well I toss you. What do thee perhaps reason of this?
Kenobi: Well, I dost at this time think that-- Har! I have now sent you on your way into the hereafter without your legs, Sir! Did not fortell that coming from many hectares away, did you, villain? I will from hereon deem that Sith lords be my speciality.
Maul: The rise was short but the fall is long. As I plummet through this stale vent I have the much longed for leisure to accomplish my designs for robot legs that would have, perchance, helped poor crippled tots stand upright against the sun and race the trout in its watery world.

berkowitzofthejews found a correlation between Shakespeare's classic Fool archetype and, well...the inevitable analogue.
Act I, Scene iii
A Swamp
Enter A FOOL
Fool: Aye, some take me to be a fool, and perhaps I may be, but if some would just listen to my prattling nonsense, sense might be revealed!
Enter Qui Gon, a JEDI
Qui Gon: What is this place, and who might its people be? I sense much life 'mongst these foreign weeds, yet none do I see.
Fool: Hail, good woman!
Qui Gon: Woman?! Look I like a woman to you?
Fool: If you not be a woman, than hail good droid!
Qui Gon: Art thou a fool? Do I seem a droid to thine eyes?
Fool: Nay, I see now that thou are not a droid, nor a woman, and indeed I am a fool. Shall I sing a merry song for you?
FOOL sings.
Qui Gon: Enough! What be thy name, fool?
Fool: My name, as was my father's name, is Jar Jar, but Fool will suffice as that is all I am.
Qui Gon: Very well, Fool. Know thou the lay of the land?
Fool: Indeed, kind sir! I know it all very well! I get lost only once or twice before each Saturday! Need thee a guide? I shall show you the many secrets of my home!
Qui Gon: Yes, you shall accompany myself, along with my young apprentice, as we discover what we must. But pray, keep your mouth shut as much as you may lest we grow tired of your foolish words.
Fool: I shall do my best, good sirs, but a fool's mouth is harder to shut than a door without hinges!

As for Andalite - well, perhaps not as deep, but "Beepeth, Boopeth" cracked me up, and that was cause for bonus points.

R2D2: "Beepeth, Boopeth, Whistle-eth, Chirp"
C3PO: Hark! Methinks my stout companion have eyed some beasts most foul! The approach from the South East.

Luke: Forsooth, tis the People of Sand!

Congrats to all. Winners, please email me your info to get prized.

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