The Eight Most Worthless Cheats in Video Game History

By Asher Cantrell in Daily Lists, Gaming, Video Games
Monday, October 7, 2013 at 6:00 am

Gamer Jockies

Video game cheat codes can make you never die, turn you invisible, or hand you magic weapons that never run out of ammo. Sometimes it's just as simple as giving you 27 extra lives in shit-fuck-hard Contra. Point is, they're meant to help you get ahead in some way. (Except for things like "Big Head Mode", which is freaking everywhere and quite possibly the lamest secret you can include in a game. Has anyone in history ever actually used and enjoyed a game's big head mode? It probably only takes the developers five minutes to toss it in and no one really gives a crap about it.)

Anyway, there are also the following, which aren't just lame, but actively terrible, like the developer who included them hates you and fun as well. Woe be unto you if you use codes like...

1) Zoo Tycoon: We Bought a (Terrible) Zoo

In Zoo Tycoon, you are a business tycoon who runs a zoo. Go figure. (Just once, there needs to be a Tycoon game where you're some schmoe who has nothing to do with businesses or the tycooning thereof.)

So, as a business tycoon who's not afraid to cut corners to make the best zoo, you can cheat yourself all kinds of money and upgrades and animals you haven't earned. But then, bizarrely, you can also use cheats to do things like make your visitors barf all over the place.They must have gotten too close to the elephant enclosure. They'll sure be itching to come back.

Even better, you can change any visitor's name (why is that even an option?) to "Alfred H" and make swarms of birds attack your zoo.

Finally, you can use the simplest money cheat ever (just hold down shift + 4... or $, in other words), but every few times you use it, it destroys your animal enclosures and lets them free. Have fun getting all your guests mauled, you business mogul, you!

2) Silent Hill 3: The Worst Nude Code Ever

Silent Hill isn't the kind of game that generally has cheat codes or anything, because the developers insist you face those mangled Hell-monsters all by your lonesome. Maybe you get a shotgun. Maybe. (Probably you just get a lead pipe.)

But fun news! Silent Hill 3 has a cheat code that strips a certain character down to their underwear! Bad news -- It's no one you wanted to see in their underwear in the first place. In fact, there's probably not anyone in the Silent Hill universe you'd like to see in their underwear, since they all have that dead-eyed look, but we digress.

If you enter the famous Konami code when starting a New Game Plus, you can see P.I. Douglas Cartland in his boxers for the entirety of the game. In fact, considering Heather is about sixteen years old, that's actually pretty creepy (which is saying something for this game).

3) The Lion King (Sega Genesis): Go Directly to Level 2, Do Not Pass Go

Believe it or not, the Disney games back in the 16-bit era were pretty freaking great. Aladdin, for example, was a really solid platformer, and since voice synthesis wasn't such a big deal then, you didn't have to worry about Robin Williams or Gilbert Gottfried yelling at you. Similarly, The Lion King was fun and didn't have Matthew Broderick. Bonus!

But it did have a pretty evil cheat mode. You could enable invincibility (wuss) or you could do a level select. Skip that obnoxious section that's pissing you off... but do it at your own peril, because once you beat the level you've selected, the game immediately kicks you back to level two. It does this no matter which level you pick. You're always taken back to (nearly) the beginning of the game.

Why? Because Walt Disney's big head doesn't have time for your bullshit, that's why.

4) Grand Theft Auto III: The Unstoppable Riots

Everyone knows that the missions in GTA games are pretty cool, but the real fun is just rolling around causing trouble, preferably while listening to a ridiculous talk radio station. Grand Theft Auto III pioneered this approach to chaos-based gaming, and it's even more fun when you turn on the "Crazy Pedestrians" and "Pedestrians Have Weapons" cheats, which basically starts a full-fledged riot in the streets of Liberty City.

There's just one problem: You can never, ever turn it off. You better not save your game after you start some anarchy in Liberty City, because if you do, things will literally never be the same. Turning off the game, dying, anything of the sort, won't quell the bloodlust of the citizens of Liberty City, so if you want to keep doing missions (or anything at all, really) you'll have to go around all of them. They'll keep tearing shit up for eternity. There's just no stopping an angry mob, it seems.

5) GoldenEye 007: We Ran Out of Ideas for Cheats, You Guys

One of the must-haves for the Nintendo 64, GoldenEye 007 was wildly popular and still has a huge cult following, despite it not aging very gracefully. (Come on: Bond hardly looks human, much less like Pierce Brosnan.) But some of the most fun and replayability came from the cheats (the rest came from the ridiculously addictive multiplayer) that you could unlock from doing well in the single-player levels, which itself was a pretty innovative design decision at the time.

Unfortunately, for the effort you put in for some of the cheats, they're just dumb, like Paintball Mode, which causes your gun to shoot tie-dye splatters instead of, you know, bullets. It's colorful, we'll give it that, but it's kind of weird to kill people with paintballs. They're not getting back up, James. You killed those guys.

Then there's Line Mode, which turns the entire game into an A-ha video. It also has the fun side effects of making it fucking impossible to tell what's going on and giving you migraines. Thanks, MI6.

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