Until very, very recently, adult themes like nudity and alcohol abuse were a huge no-no in most video games… which is probably why game designers spent so much time hiding those things. And yet we found them anyway.
From kiddie characters getting plastered to secret and unpleasant hidden nudity, the inappropriate stuff sometimes came in the form of Easter eggs, or glitches, or censored scenes only found in certain versions of the game, but it was there all along. Oh, it was there. Where? Glad you asked.
1) Vendetta (Arcade) – The Most Offensive Enemy Ever
This classic arcade beat ’em up had a censored level that started pretty normally… until two half-naked biker dudes wander in and start humping you to death. You, and anything that crosses their path. In fact, one of them humps a lamppost so hard that the light bulb falls down and kills him. Meanwhile, the other people in the street just watch. They… they just watch. OK, we can see why they omitted this part of the game outside Japan.
Of course, you can hit them back, but that’s almost as bad: When you knock them out they cover their genitals (even if you punched them nowhere near the groin area), and they fall on the floor with their butts suggestively raised up. Do not, for the love of all that is holy, let them put you on the ground. Just trust us on that one.
This is punishment for all those times we tried to look up Chun-Li’s skirt, isn’t it?
2) Kirby’s Dream Land 2 (Game Boy) – Kirby’s Dream Lady
The first Kirby game for Game Boy had a hidden vertical room where you scroll past a very suspicious series of blocks, each shaped like a different part of the female anatomy… including the nipples, the belly button, and the conveniently-placed fuzzy enemy in the crotch. Considering that this game is set in Dream Land, this probably means Kirby woke up all sticky.
In other words, while you thought you were playing an innocent Kirby game, you were actually “exploring” some lady’s body. At least it doesn’t look like she minds it, judging by that happy face.
3) Rings of Power (Sega Genesis) – Breasts of Power
This complete Lord of the Rings rip-off by the creators of Crash Bandicoot and the Uncharted series would be totally forgettable if it didn’t have a secret code for 1991-era graphically represented boobs.
Typically, the fully-clothed model in Naughty Dog’s logo was only seen for a second upon booting up the game, but if you plug a controller into port two and simultaneously hold down/right on the d-pad and the A, B, C, and start buttons, you see a lot more of her. Meaning her boobs.
Since the game is absolutely terrible, this is quite literally the only reason anyone still knows what Rings of Power is.
4) Wild Woody (Sega CD) – The Little Mermaid Just Got Real
Although the name makes it sound like exactly the kind of game that would have a dirty Easter egg, Wild Woody is actually a bog-standard kids’ platformer game starring a pencil. It, too, would be completely forgotten (though it’s more likely no one even knew about it in the first place), if not for extremely well-hidden cartoon nudity.
Using a convoluted series of steps, you can access the game’s debug mode and pick up items hidden in the walls all over the Pirate World Act II stage. You actually have to collect the items in a specific order (which you can find in this video) without accidentally picking up anything else.
It’s a really huge pain in the ass, but the payoff (if it even counts as payoff in the world of on-demand internet porn) is good old 16-bit bare mermaid breasts.
5) The Apprentice (Philips CD-i) – What Hogwarts Would Be Like in Real Life
A dumb platformer for Philips’ one and only (and terrible) foray into gaming, the CD-i, The Apprentice didn’t turn many heads. Since approximately four and a quarter people actually owned a CD-i (and they were all too busy weeping quietly because they got fooled into buying the various Legend of Zelda games for the system), few people have even heard of the game, much less played it. That’s probably how they got away with hiding full-frontal female nudity in it.
On the game over screen, the player can input various short codes that change the original animation into Mortal Kombat parodies, including five different “Nudality” scenes featuring the main character magically undressing creepy, child-like anime girls.
6) The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Game Boy) – Link, the Hero of Voyeurism
Link’s Awakening was the first portable game in the Zelda series, and also the one that established that Link is a pervert. Or at least he was in the Japanese version (in the American one he was merely a dirty thief).
At one point in the game, you can peek at a busty hippopotamus lady as she poses naked for an alligator painter (as in, an alligator who paints, not a guy who paints alligators). She quickly covers her bosom and yells at Link to get out, but Koholint Island is full of opportunities for the enterprising voyeur: You also meet a mermaid who lost her bikini top and can dive underwater to peek at her goods, at which point she calls you a pervert and swims away. Naturally, both of these scenes were censored in the American version (they changed the mermaid’s missing bikini top for a necklace and the hippo’s boobs for a tragically flat chest).
7) Grand Theft Auto 3 (Playstation 2) – Grand Dick Notepad
The first PS2 Grand Theft Auto game included an easy-to-miss (but difficult to forget) Easter egg. Random pedestrians holding yellow legal pads could occasionally be seen wandering around Liberty City.
If you actually took the time to look at their handiwork, you’d find the above– a cartoonish dick, complete with, uh, fluid coming out. Dealer’s choice on what kind of fluid it is.
8) Rampage: World Tour (Multiplatform) – Pixelated Privates
Rampage: World Tour, the 1997 sequel/reboot to the 1986 arcade game Rampage, brought back an old animation with something a little extra on the side. (That something being genitals.)
Just like in the original game, when your building-crushing irradiated giant has all of its health knocked out, they shrink back down to their human forms. In versions of the game with higher graphic quality (i.e., not the Game Boy one), the art people apparently decided to throw in split second full-frontal nudity for both the male and female characters. Just look at those sexy pixels.
9) Three Dirty Dwarves (Sega Saturn) – It Does Look Pretty Cold Out There
A side-scrolling beat ’em up game for Sega’s third system in a row that no one outside of Japan bought, Three Dirty Dwarves featured simultaneous three-player gaming and not a whole lot else to draw players in. Well, that, and ninja penis. That’s unfortunately not a euphemism.
One of the dozens of strange and fairly unique enemies peppered throughout the game is the so-called naked ninja. While he normally has a large, black censor bar over his crotch, a few of his animations cause the box to, uh, miss the target, as seen above.
10) Super Mario Kart (Super Nintendo) – Mario Kart Booze Party
The victory screen for Super Mario Kart consisted of your character holding a champagne bottle without actually drinking it, because after all these are kid-friendly characters and Nintendo of America couldn’t just show them getting shit-faced. Nintendo of Japan is another story, though, and that’s why in the original version of the game, you can see how (for example) Princess Peach just turns that bottle up and starts chugging it. Her face even turns red right away, making it clear that this ain’t ginger ale.
Meanwhile, Bowser celebrates by bathing himself in the stuff like a frat boy while Mario and Luigi encourage him. We’re just glad they did this before stepping into a kart, because shooting shells and lightning bolts at other drivers while drunk would just be irresponsible. And speaking of alcohol abuse in the Mario universe…
11) Wario Land 2 (Game Boy Color) – Wario Gets Wasted
If you ever played Wario Land 2 for Game Boy Color, you may remember an enemy who attacked you with bombs that inexplicably made you all drowsy (for those who don’t know, bombs usually make you all dead). Well, once again, we have to look to Japan for the explanation: Originally, the enemy walked around with a jug of beer and his one fight move was to pour it on Wario’s face, which resulted in this:
Yeah, that guy is a bad influence.
12) Donkey Kong Country (Super Nintendo) – Donkey Lovin’
Donkey Kong, no! Don’t hump your albino duplicate! That’s disgusting! And what exactly is Diddy doing back there? Actually, never mind. We can live with not knowing.
This childhood-destroying glitch happens in the original Donkey Kong Country when you try to mount Rambi the rhino while riding on top of a metallic barrel, a sentence that only makes sense if you have played the game. For some reason, this causes Rambi to morph into a paler version of Donkey… and since the real Donkey is still riding him, this gives the impression that he’s vigorously humping himself. Let this be a lesson to you kids: Don’t jump on a rhinoceros while riding a metallic barrel, man. It’s just not worth it.
13) Beyond Oasis (Sega Genesis) – The Legendary Deathgasm
Beyond Oasis was an old school action RPG you have almost definitely never heard of. Some of you might feel like tracking it down after watching the above video, though. Just don’t watch it at work or people will think you’re into sadomasochistic porn.
You see, this game had a bizarre Easter egg where, approximately 1% of the time, killing an enemy would cause the game to play a female orgasm (or at least a very satisfied moan) instead of the usual death grunt. Perhaps it was a special feature designed to make those long RPG-playing sessions feel a little less lonely.
14) Tomb Raider 3 (Multiplatform) – Lara’s Big Secret
There’s little we can add after that video, but we’ll attempt to explain what you just watched anyway. Namely, Lara Croft’s gun penis. Explaining female pistol dicks to the Internet — that’s what they pay us for.
There’s a cheat in Tomb Raider 3 that allows you to unlock all existing weapons in the game. A disturbing side-effect of that is that Lara can now run around her mansion with more guns than she can actually hold, which leads to the game rendering one of her pistols right at crotch level, even with appropriately phallic movements. Why couldn’t the extra gun be sticking out of her forehead or something, game? What the hell is wrong with you?
15) Assassin’s Creed III (Multiplatform) – Ben Franklin: MILF Hunter
During a section of Assassin’s Creed III where you play as Haytham, the father of the game’s main character, Connor (and son of the pirate guy in Assassin’s Creed IV), you can roam around Colonial Boston a little.
If you pop in and visit Ben Franklin’s print shop during this time, you can get into a conversation with one of our Founding Fathers about just what’s on his mind: MILFs. Like, five minutes worth of dialogue about MILFs. The dude digs the older ladies, apparently.
16) Mega Man Legends 2 (Playstation) – Mega Buster? I Barely Know Her!
The second (and apparently final) game in the Mega Man Legends RPG series, this game features an Easter egg that lets you pop in on Roll in the bath. You don’t see anything, as the screen cuts to black, but you hear Roll yelling “What do you think you’re doing?!” and when the game comes back, Mega Man gives a little robot fist pump and goes on his way.
Except, if you know your Mega Man family tree, you’d know that not only is Mega Man a robot who is probably incapable of boners, but Roll is his freaking sister. Things just got real awkward in Dr. Light’s house.