Weekend Hangover: 17 Non-Star Wars Stories You May Have Missed

Monday, May 5, 2014 at 6:00 am

8. Stomp 'em Gundam Style.

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Giant robots don't exactly sneak, but Gundam sneakers can be worn on your feet.

7. Orange You Glad I Didn't Say...Too Late!

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Tomato cherry and carrot orange are two new ice cream flavors launched by Haagen-Dasz in Japan. Frankly, for Japan, that's tame. Like, I totally expect "Moist Vagina" or "Smegma" to be part of their dessert flavor lineups already.

6. Watermelon Gushers.

Watermelon juice is found to increase the likelihood of boners.

Gallagher's head explodes as he realizes how much he wasted.

5. Leatherface Lush Life.

You don't have to be from Texas, nor in need of human barbecue, to use a chainsaw for satiating bodily urges. Just lacking a bottle opener, and boasting a really delicate touch.

4. Flaying With Yourself.

Human skin can now be used to create sperm. So if you rub yourself anywhere, you might be rubbing one off and not even knowing it.

3.Digging on the Dirt.

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The military wants to build a stealth dirt bike that makes hardly any noise.

For once, I approve of where my tax dollars might go. Promise to make every asshole who revs his throttle before noon trade in for one of these, and you can up my tax bracket all you like, Uncle Sam. Do the same for stealth leaf blowers and lawnmowers, and you'll have the state of California in the bag next election.

2.The Dali Planet.

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Salvador Dali's cookbook was perhaps less appetizing as food preparation template than as art. Unless you've ever felt a craving for Goosey Crawdads a la Toothbrush.

1. Kev 'N Kneelin'.

Spacey. The final frontier.

These are the voyages of the Call of Duty series. It's ongoing mission: to entice new gamers. To seek out new life, in predictable situations. To boldly go where some games have gone before...slightly differently.

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